Saturday, November 10, 2018

Ghostbusters-1984 Original (blu-ray)


I could never do a film like the original Ghostbusters from 1984 justice because it's just an outright 80's comedy that still to this day has a solid and rabid fan base. Most of you zits and zombies already know that this isn't horror (barely) but the tale of three science nerds who get thrown out of a college for wasting their grant money on their research of psychic and paranormal phenomena, with which the dean basically says that will never help out mankind in the long run. How silly and wrong could he have been. Egon, Ray and Peter end up going into business for themselves as sort of a third civil service sector-part firemen and part police. With one helluva twist. They "bust" ghosts in a really cool way by using their scientific know-how and technology at hand to develop P.K.E. meters, proton packs, a laser grid to contain the apparitions once they catch them, ghost traps and whatever else they need to apprehend such beastly shapes. All of the comedy comes in of course from Bill Murray being a likeable jackass and womanizer, pushing against Harold Ramis and Dan Aykroyd's characters being all about the science and the discovery of the afterlife actually being real. Even when Ghostbusters was first released, it had the word classic written all over it mainly because it's witty, flows extremely well, never lags anywhere and has some amazing practical effects that still hold up even today watching it in 2k or 4k. When there's something strange in your neighborhood, who are you gonna call?

Damn this is a huge library.

Even ghosts hate the Dewey Decimal System.

Venkman is always looking for "shocking" results.

Ectoplasm!

"Someone blows their nose and you want to keep it?"

Keep drinking that booze-you'll figure it out.

I've never seen eggs cook themselves-have you?

The condiments in Dana's fridge must really be expired.

   "I collect spores, molds and fungus."

Yeah... it's one helluva cockroach.

Slimer is gettin' down with that hotel food.

"I feel so funky."

Walter Peck is a fucking loser.

There is no Dana-only Zuul.

There are those of us out there that have lived under rocks for most of our lives, and if you're one of those sad individuals that somehow has never seen the first Ghostbusters film-stop being Amish already. Push the sequel to the side and completely forget about that piece of shit that came out a couple of years ago... the only one any of you rotting corpses need to sit through is the glorious initial offering. Everything about it is top notch film making and it has every good reason to have the huge following that it does. Even the theme song by Ray Parker Jr. will get stuck in your head for days after it sprinkles it's magic into your eardrums. Just the entire concept surrounding this film is straight genius because the universe that this vocation takes place in in New York really feels like it could be a real job that anyone could apply for. Hell, I would. After how many times that I have seen this picture myself, my two favorite scenes are still the commercial that they have on t.v. saying that "they are ready to believe you" and when they destroy the Stay Puft marshmallow man. Two odd choices, but really anyone could probably pick almost anything from Ghostbusters as a great scene and it would stick. Zits and zombies, charge the proton packs and clean out the ghost traps... cause I ain't 'fraid of no ghost.

Friday, November 9, 2018

Lady Frankenstein


I'm pretty sure that I have mentioned this in past posts before, but my absolute favorite Universal monster has always been and will always be Frankenstein. The story and the character itself is so classic because of how it portrays the normal human feeling of confusion, self-awareness and being automatically cast as a misfit just because you "don't fit in" according to society at large. There is a whole franchise of films that have to do with the legacy of Frank (and his bride, and his son) and with that type of territory there are always re-makes and re-imaginings. Lady Frankenstein is the latter because it's basically the same story, just re-done with a different twist and has nothing really to do with the original canon or lore of Dr. Frankenstein creating his monster except for the actual act of him doing so along with his fiend causing a ruckus and stirring up some shit. His daughter Tania learns fairly quickly that his own creation has killed him and wants to continue on with his work, and starts putting her surgical skills and personal lust into the mix to contrive sort of a sick plan to transplant her lovers' brain into a (let's be honest) retarded servant boy's body only for superficial reasons of course. Everything goes as they plan it, and the original monster that her father created comes back for revenge. Everything comes back eventually. 

You grave robbing bums.

Hilariously foreboding music makes me smile.

A patron of science? More like a greedy bastard.

"Here on earth... Man is God."

Simon is the town drunk version of Tom Savini.

  Tania-I mean Lady Frankenstein-is quite ravishing.

 Legalized murder? I'm all in.

Secret doors, secret rooms and secret passages.

Lobotomy comes first. Lightning second.

I want a sunroof in my laboratory.

Even in classic horror films there's to many damn bats.

The most grotesque of creatures deserves life.

Every police captain should dress like Jack The Ripper.

Holy shit-even an ugly sleaze bag like Lynch can bone some premium blonde pelt.

 If any of you zits and zombies out there are into old school horror, Lady Frankenstein will hit the spot. It has very good production value, the plot keeps you on your toes and as everything unfolds there's a sense of "is this actually going to work out" hanging in the balance which does pay off even before the finale comes into play. It's basically the initial plot with some severe twists that change it up against what you already know about what happens in the first place, and to be very honest I might actually like this more than the original film with Boris Karloff as the monster himself. It's probably hidden in the execution somewhere, but this film has more going on than the original and I was engaged with what was going to happen with his daughter and what she was going to do to continue what the doc had in mind. She just ended up doing what she wanted instead. No bettering mankind here. 

Monday, October 29, 2018

The Suckling


Digging into this hobby has it's merits, and becoming desensitized to certain things as a toll really starts to show after awhile. You wouldn't think a film like The Suckling would really even touch the inner fibers that would make a collector and connoisseur like myself wonder what dark corner of the earth I had accidentally stumbled into. Much in the similar vein of the It's Alive trilogy, The Suckling features a killer fetus that wants nothing more than some solid revenge and some killer time with it's mama. But what disturbed me more than anything about this flick is how drenched in grindhouse filth this thing actually is, and could actually physically feel myself wanting to check out. There's a serious depth of "this is a horrible place that I shouldn't be in" that truly reveals how selfish and disgusting we as human beings really can be if we just don't give a shit about anything after a certain point. Aesthetically, these terrible things take place in the upstairs area of a brothel where young people can pay a nominal fee to have a coat hanger abortion (no, seriously) and every single character in this piece is on sickening display just to show how wrong this type of underground practice may or may not actually unfold. I really didn't like anything about this film and I came very close to taking a full-on shower when the credits started rolling. What's visually disturbing though is really how nonchalant the people in this house act towards killing a pretty much full term baby, and then flushing it down the toilet. Only to have radioactive waste drip onto said seed, force it to grow into the monstrosity that you see on the box art, cover the doors and windows in placenta's so no one can go in or out, and then proceed to give everyone what they deserve. So I guess the message of The Suckling is that pro-life is the answer to all of our abortion needs, but hey... it's not my ultimate choice.

    Another text crawl.

Hey, it's raining where I live too.

Sexy nurse with an axe.

This editing is almost as choppy as The Last Slumber Party.

She's right-this house doesn't even look legal.

Quiet in the corner over there you damn doper.

I'm pretty sure that the guy isn't pregnant.

Baby killers-you're all a bunch of fucking baby killers.

Rubber Johnny?

That's one mean baby.

"I'm not like you-I have things to live for." That's funny coming from a guy that's getting his rocks off in a dirty ass brothel.

Family portraits are going to be real difficult from now on.

   Zits and zombies, this is a complete purgatory film. I already know that I will never watch this again mainly because I don't really see any reason for this to exist. As I stated earlier, the people involved probably wanted to make a statement about pro-life versus pro-choice, but in all honesty the grimy, grungy tone of The Suckling just makes it just to damn dark in terms of subject matter for it to even be enjoyable. At the very least, It's Alive III has some sort of a sub-plot happening in the background along with spots of Michael Moriarty's comedically dry antics to keep you entertained throughout, but here it's just a sickeningly selfish ride from beginning to end. Probably the best parts are in the third act after the baby fully mutates and starts killing everyone in the house with plenty of hate, vigor and gore so at least everyone gets what was coming to them. So there is a corner of positivity to try to lean towards, but the journey to get there just suffocates the viewer with an inebriating amount of slime that I'd rather have you not wade through. Just watch only once for the curious, otherwise... use your coat hangers for your hoodies and jackets instead.     

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

WNUF Halloween Special


Just like Christmas specials and Thanksgiving specials have been (and most likely still are) a thing to illicit the spirit of whatever holiday that they are coinciding with, there are also countless Halloween specials out there to get everyone in the mood for candy, costumes and Satan. Well, maybe not really the devil in his entirety, but just the small parts that have to do with having horns, a red tail and a three pronged pitch fork. Camp Motion Pictures/Alternative Cinema have been my favorite indie horror house and distribution company since terror became my hobby and my love almost nine years ago-and I firmly believe that what they have concocted here with the WNUF Halloween Special really is something special. Just automatically tossing this piece of nostalgic wonderment into the found footage folder next to the likes of The Blair Witch Project and Quarantine really would be one helluva injustice considering the finesse', dedication and genius it must have taken from the Camp crew to put this amazing piece together. It truly feels like you are watching someone else watch a random VHS tape that they found lying around (or maybe that they found at a local Goodwill for a dollar) and curiosity struck a chord for them to slide this into their VCR-and you just happen to be their best friend that was invited to check this thing out. The commercials and ads that are in between the news broadcast hosting the Halloween special really are true-to-life recreations of local businesses trying to promote their services to the community that they live in, and man did that shit bring back memories of the type of commercials like that that I used to soak in when I was little. It does know how to build up that old school tension of sitting there waiting for the main program to start, and when it does there is absolutely nothing but pure excitement. 

The rewinding of a VHS tape. Magnetic memories.

"High Pike" farms-kind of stretching it, aren't we?

Deborah, you cast that spell on me-of witchcraft.

My kids could go trick or treating with the guy that drives the ice cream truck.

A build up to the main event begins.

Witchie poo! That's classic.

It's blasphemy that you don't want kids to have a good time by dressing up and getting candy.

Yeah Mrs. Harris, I am going to laugh because of how pathetic you sound.

I'm going to Tokens to play some Gauntlet! Hell yeah!!

      1-900-Monster? Give 976-Evil a shot. Hoax is waiting.

 Damn, this Webber house story could be real.

Zits and zombies, if you were at all growing up in the 80's and remember anything from watching television during that era, the WNUF Halloween Special is an absolute blast to sit through. There really isn't much to complain about here except that maybe some of the scenes during the film get fast forwarded through that you would more than likely want to see and there are a couple of the same commercials that do repeat, but that honestly just adds more to the realism of making this feel like it was all taped off of t.v. and was lost in your friends' sock drawer for the last 30 or so years and just rediscovered it a few days ago. The actual Halloween special itself is great and really is something that would have been aired during the late 80's, complete with corny jokes, paranormal mediums and a priest that really isn't a priest. Oops. It builds itself into something sinister and somewhat obvious at the finale, but there was never anything that detracted from the fun of it all. Turn your dials to channel 28 because this it-this is the special you've all been waiting for. Anything is better than the Star Wars Christmas Special. Yeah.... let's not go there.    

Sunday, October 7, 2018

Murder Party


Sometimes going into a film you know nothing about lends itself to things like surprise and wonder. Maybe you'll see something shocking, and maybe you won't. Maybe you'll soak in a scene that will stay with you for awhile and maybe you won't. Murder Party is chock full of "maybe you won't"'s. A fucking massive disappointment is an understatement when it comes to this piece-even though I had absolutely no expectations at all, and there is relatively nothing memorable about the experience of sitting through this to the end. It opened up kind of promising with kids going trick or treating, jack-o-lanterns getting smashed because teenage boys are assholes, and some solidly dark ambient music which fills the initial frames with a hint of grandiosity and wide-eyed curiosity. I didn't like any of the characters, all of their costumes were absolutely flat, Alexander is a fucking heap of human douche-baggery and the "comedy" that gets set up and spewed during the entirety of main man Chris being tied to an office chair while a bunch of insecure losers try to figure out how to kill him for "art's sake" pretty much made me laugh... never. One of the main selling points of Murder Party is supposed to be the gore contained inside, but it wasn't even close to being enough for it to be great. Everyone really does eventually die-just dumbly and uneventfully. Probably the worst, most drawn out scene that kept going and going was a scene where Alexander gets a bunch of needles out and tells everyone that they are going to play "extreme truth or dare" and everyone proceeds to inject themselves with truth serum and starts throwing secrets around. He even puts some of the serum in a piece of pizza. It drags on and on for at least twenty or thirty minutes and felt like it was never going to end. 

How dare you destroy that jack-o-lantern.

You could never be lonely if you have a huge bowl of candy corn and are about to watch "Scarewolf" on VHS.

Where's my invite to the murder party?

Dude, you're going to a Halloween party, not LARPING.

Heading to a milk bar.

Someone died-but it wasn't the LARPING guy.

It's to late for no alcohol and no weed.

Hey Alexander-you're a douche. I hope you fucking die.

"I was just going to chop his dick off and set him on fire."

I'll take "that's fucking lame for $500, Alex".

Truth pizza. I'm not hungry.

"I'll make sex with pillow."

Okay... when is this truth or dare bullshit going to be over.  

Even though I feel like I completely destroyed any want for any of you zits and zombies towards watching Murder Party, it isn't complete trash. It has a mountain of flaws to contend with, but it does sport a layer of homage towards the horror film community what with Chris' choices in movie rentals on VHS, the Halloween season, what little gore it has (even though pretty much everyone gets killed by an axe, chainsaw or some other form of tool) and I was ecstatic when Alexander was finally snuffed out. I hated that guy. Murder Party really is a throw away flick to watch if but once during the fall or Halloween time. Horror purgatory at it's finest. Maybe not. Full circle. Time to put on my cardboard armor and watch Scarewolf.      

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Scalpel/False Face (Arrow Video blu-ray)


If I did what any other normal film/horror reviewer does by putting together a best of the year list instead of the worst, Scalpel in general would be somewhere in the top five. No joke. This is absolutely one of the best and most twisted psychological thrillers out there, and I find it somewhat of a shame that not to many of you inspirational undead out there have heard of it. There isn't much "horror" in it per se', but when everything that Dr. Reynolds has built up around him finally cultivates into a sick urge to have some rapey time with his actual daughter towards the end of this craziness-there's a pretty wrong and sick feeling that just sits there at the back of your throat wanting to expel itself. I found this film on VHS at the Gordyville flea market in the central Illinois days for fifty cents, and the cover just captivated me. It was an absolute blind buy because how messed up could a film named Scalpel be? Very. Even with this very lovingly printed on blu-ray by the God-like horror/cult distribution powerhouse Arrow Video, going back and watching this on my old and beat up copy of magnetic magic certainly has a strange, fuzzy and grainy feeling to it that is close to fever dream quality. The blu however is absolutely gorgeous and this release by Arrow gives you the option to watch it in the original Edward Lachman film grade which features the initial strong warm yellow and green tones from the master film stock and/or VHS tape along side the Arrow film grade which is presented in a more clean, natural look to the overall color levels and grain. The version I soaked in with my double vision as I threw down some notes was the Lachman grade because I am already used to seeing this film in that yellowed southern gothic style, as that is how it looks on the VHS. 

21rst century alchemists. Cool label. I dig it.

So many funerals lately. I don't need to see this.

Well, Heather is rich all of a sudden.

There's no reason to be depressed when someone passes away. You can't stop death.

Hamburger lady? If you get that reference... please let me know.

That skin extraction always gets me. Just-yuck.

Damn doc-this is one fucking elaborate plan to get your father's inheritance.

Family reunions are interesting.

Technically this isn't incest. But it's still weird.

Those catering girls look just as tasty as the food they are serving.

Sorrow is always buried in art.

 Scalpel is completely loaded with tense moments, people dying, funerals, drinking, incest, greed... the list for this film goes on longer than what I want to put in here. The basis that really works here and makes this piece really memorable is the fact that Dr. Reynolds is just bonkers and has no problem killing literally anyone in front of other people. His daughter runs away pretty much right at the beginning of the film, and he basically uses one of his patients that has the same build and stature to perform plastic surgery on her to make her identical to his own daughter. This really opens up when Heather eventually returns and cooks a pretty big meal for all three of them, leaving Jane (the fake Heather) feeling like there's no reason to even be there anymore. There are so many damn layers to this that keep piling up and piling up until Reynolds can't even tell which girl is his daughter and which one isn't and tries some horrible things on Heather that I mentioned earlier that make his darkness that much more palpable. Zits and zombies, participate in getting a copy of Scalpel for your collection. This deserves it. I just hope that if you inherit five mill, you won't have to hatch a plot for it. Enjoy it.

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Teeth


Way, way back in my late teen-early twenty's years I had worked at a newspaper warehouse with a lot of really weird and idiotic people as co-workers. 2007 was one of the last years I kept this piece of shit as my place of employment before I ended up quitting to move out of state to New Mexico of all places-and one of my last memories before leaving was a conversation I had with a couple of guys that worked there that were around my age about a horror flick they had watched the weekend prior called Teeth. Yes, it really is more than likely what you think it is as it is a terror flick that revolves around a young girl by the name of Dawn that, you guessed it... has teeth in her vagina. As stupid and ridiculous as that may sound, that's what it is. And that's it. It took me more than eleven years to finally give this thing a go, and it didn't sit with me as well as I had been hoping it would have. The idea and premise behind Teeth is actually kind of original as I don't think I've ever heard of any kind of film before this one that actually took a chance at making somewhat of a strange and obvious notion a real thing in any kind of a motion picture. I think my main issue with this while I was taking my notes was that every single male that Dawn runs across is an absolute asshole-ish scumbag that wants nothing more with her than to just bang her brains out because of her very strong wills and convictions towards abstinence. They want to make her swipe her v-card, give up the ghost and pop that cherry if you can ride the wave that I'm casting, but the point is that I really had a hard time getting past the pacing and just the awkward performances that every character portrays during the course of this horror outing. I still don't really get the whole contrast between her and her step brother as she is supposed to be and angel and he's a devil or something.... I don't really know because even in the context of this mess of a film the scenes that contain Brad and his girlfriend smokin' dubs, listening to metal and fucking doggy style pretty much have nothing to do with what is going on with Dawn. It just felt unnecessary and was pretty much there as sort of comedic relief or whatever, but it never worked and drug the film down.

    Looks like the power plant that Homer works at.

Kids will be kids... I guess.

Were promise rings really that big of a thing?

Who's this asshole? Wayne Static with a shaved head?

   Damn these teens are fucking squares.

Sex and spelunking.

Radscorpion!

Masturbating is normal. I hope you know that.

Okay-that's enough man-ass in the locker room. Five seconds is long enough.

Those stalactites are cool. Look, I have a boner!

"I haven't jerked off since Easter!"

This promise/purity thing is a cult.

Lose the mullet. Then you can get a date.

After the first few guys (and a G.Y.N.O. that gets his fingers "bit" off by her vag) that she basically tears their dicks off because, well, they were dicks-Dawn starts to realize that she can actually control what her lady parts do down there during sexy time and takes some sweet revenge on her step brother for being an assclown. She seduces him (which is a really fucking weird and off-putting scene by the way) rips his wiener off, and then his dog perfectly named "mother" actually walks over to his severed helmet-in-the-bush and promptly eats it as if it were jerky or a treat or something. That shit made me laugh. HARD. Teeth by any stretch is not a good film to watch. Even by horror movie standards. There's always a cult following for pretty much anything that cultivates after long periods of time, and there is a cult grouping for this film-but they can keep it. I didn't get into it as much as I really had hoped after all of these years of putting it off because it just sounded fucking dumb. And I was kind of right in thinking that. Zits and zombies, I would recommend watching this maybe once to satiate some kind of curiosity towards a terror flick that involves a young woman that naturally has thorns in her rose, but I can assure you that this isn't a bouquet your going to have arranged for a special occasion anytime soon. Now I have to go forget about that damn Poison song for the umpteenth time.    

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Wrong Turn (blu-ray)


The Wrong Turn franchise is a set of backwoods killer films that I have known about for quite some time-I've just never bothered to dive in head first. Really, the only one in this six entry long series that I've ever even seen bits from has been the original, and recently I have finally gotten around to actually watching it all the way to the end-and it actually kind of made me feel satisfied. Getting into this was sort of nagging at me to check out at least one of them, and the first one is probably going to end up being the only good one. I haven't watched any of the sequels yet, but I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that they probably suck, are lame, and will more than likely make me regret that I blind bought the blu-ray set with 1-5 contained within. I have tried finding a blu-ray box with all six of them because there is a DVD set with all six-so why not blu-ray? I don't know but I absolutely cannot find anything except the one that I purchased recently, so I'll just have to pick up the final one on it's own at some point later on. So is the first Wrong Turn any good? Yes, yes it is. It's not anywhere near the level of "horror film of the year", but it is entertaining in that shitty, overly cliched "I've seen this a thousand times before" kind of way where you know what to expect without having to put a lot of effort into being an audience member while this movie plays. The gore is well done, Eliza Dushku is top notch as always, make-up on the inbred killers is solid and the cinematography is surprisingly clean with all of the fast action. There is plenty of brutality to be had here, and I really hope that the rest of the franchise doesn't slack on the goods.

      An aerial shot of the woods is never good.

She needs help, jackass!

Inbreeding always gets a healthy two thumbs up.

I have a feeling that your job interview isn't going to be very important soon.

Pepto-Bismol has that sweet, bubble gum flavor to it. Goes down real smooth.

  Eliza Dushku and a hot redhead? Yeah... give me a minute.

"I can't hear you!"

You're not dangerous. You're a hippie.

A garage sale from hell-that's a good one.

No noise-you can't make any noise.

Damn. Even disfigured, inbred pieces of shit know how to shoot.

   Realistically, the original Wrong Turn does have some tense moments that will make you question why you are watching it in the first place. There was a little bit of a Texas Chainsaw vibe that I absorbed while taking my notes, but it still ended up being it's own thing without trying to capitalize on such a classic. The inbred cannibals that chase after them were really quick and seemed to have their thing down-pat with sawing off limbs, shooting people, bludgeoning them to death and most any other psychotic activity that would entail tenderizing innocent trespassers into red meat for dinner. This is not even close to being a backwoods killer staple by any stretch of the imagination, but if any zit or zombie is in the mood to see a babe in the woods take on some hillbilly brethren, then by all means give the very first Wrong Turn a spin. I've got five of these things left. Wilmatuckey here I come.

Monday, September 24, 2018

Monday, September 10, 2018

The Witches (VHS)


My fevered brain has been filled with similar ideas and notions about The Witches as it was with The Peanut Butter Solution. Anytime that I have ever ran across a review on some film critic's site or on Youtube about this picture in particular, it was always someone saying things about seeing this when they were ten and having nightmares about it for days and weeks as it burned holes into their pre-teen psyches and imaginations. Could something with Anjelica Huston really be that frightening? I mean, she has always been Morticia Adams as far as I'm concerned, but that character has never been scary in the least. Just really nonchalant about being dark and morbid. It's normal, really. I found this on tape at a garage sale a couple years back and have now only gotten around to finally absorbing what The Witches has to offer, and I have to be blunt and forward by saying that I really dug it. It kind of rides that same bizarre line between being to much for children and just kind of weird for adults-which is where the comparison to The Peanut Butter Solution comes in. It's a movie that was intended for kids, but it really shouldn't be viewed by them because there is some strong imagery here. Nowadays they don't really seem to be affected or thrown off by much of anything because they can see all the messed up shit they want on the internet at any given time, and it makes something like this come off as more silly than anything. I, however, really enjoyed the plot, characters, effects and make-up and Jim Henson's final production of puppeteer mastery is on display here to make when Luke and Bruno being turned into mice after getting tricked into ingesting some formula 86 all the more fun and realistic. 

I want to go skiing all of a sudden.

You don't know if the devil is real.

Tell me more grandma-make sure to dip those candles.

Plain, sensible shoes.

No Luke-please shower. You're already socially awkward enough.

So, did Luke's parents die or what the hell happened?

Granny loves them cigars.

Fat kids always steal food.

Grand High Witch, Evar I presume.

I'm more impressed that that looks like a kids' blue print for the game Mouse Trap than it does for a circus.

Now that's a fucking witch!

The child.... is a mouse!

It's probably the baby carriage, but the song Far Cry by Rush would be prefect right now.

I have to give it to the cinematography in particular (especially towards the final act) after Luke and Bruno change into mice, because it probably took a mountain of work to make their perspectives and what the audience sees the way that it ended up. A lot of strange angles and viewpoints that are cut together to follow them around give you a sense of being small and to the floor, and it really added some realism and creativity to the fact that they are that tiny and anything could crush them at any given moment. I admired it. The Witches is one crazy ride of people not being what they perceive themselves to be, and when the infamous scene where all of the witches take off their wigs and are all congregated in that meeting in the hotel-that's when things start getting weird and awesome at the same time. Zits and zombies, this deserves your attention if you've never seen it. Watch your back for the woman in black-she'll try to trick you with a snake and some chocolate.       

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003 Remake)


Remakes of any kind usually drum up emotions and feelings of wanting to vomit everywhere. It shows that whoever takes on such an undertaking with their time and budget pretty much has no original ideas, creativity or inspiration to carve out anything even remotely original to offer up in regards of art or integrity. There is another side of the coin where a remake or a reboot can actually be leaps and bounds better than it's initial counter part and has a mass appeal that warrants a frenzied fan base-which back when I saw The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) with an ex-girlfriend when it was first released, somehow was all caught up in the gore, the hype, and the thinking that this actually was based on a true story and bought it. Technically, this and the masterpiece original from 1974 really are based on true events-what with Tobe Hooper garnering the idea from a combination with his fascination of famed serial killer Ed Gein who did his work in Plainfield, Wisconsin-and from the random idea of being in line at a hardware store one afternoon and thinking to himself "It would be so easy to just cut all of these people down in front of me with that chainsaw on the wall over there". Even though the original picture from '74 is the best film in the franchise (and my favorite fear flick of all time) I really can't deny the effect this 2003 remake had on me when I saw it in the theater. The girlfriend I was with at that time wanted to see pretty much every new horror movie coming out while we were together, and this was one of the first ones. I wasn't at all used to watching movies like this then, and there were a few scenes that I really cringed and looked away at. Now, this film is cake. But it's mainly because of this entry that I very slowly started to want to see more-form a fascination with serial killers myself, and ultimately find out about Tobe Hooper's first flick that got him noticed and changed the world of horror forever.

This grainy, black and white opening really sets the tone.

Sweet Home Alabama. Sweet, cowboy hat wearing Jessica Biel.

Shut up, Franklin. Oh wait, he's in the original. Nevermind.

She had a .38 in her vagina. And she shot herself in the mouth. Holy shit.

There's lots of reasons not to call the cops.

That meat is.... yeah. You don't want any of that.

A dilapidated mill that has mummified dolls and body parts all over the entrance wall is probably not a place you just walk into.

Morgan is right. Just go.

You know how easy it would be to just kill this old guy in the wheelchair?

Here we go-it's Leatherface!

It took you this long to figure out that where you're at is weird?!

"I smell bullshit."

 There are many diehard fans of the initial picture from Tobe Hooper that just don't like this version. I totally get it. Maybe it's nostalgia, or maybe it's because it was one of the first movies of this kind that really stuck to me and never let me forget about it for a long time, but in all honesty, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) is a solid remake and one great update for the early 2000's. The grit, the dim and dreary color pallet that pretty much saturates through to the end, and the downright dirty and hopeless feeling that you get from the utter panic and urgency behind the five main characters for the course of this film really makes this a memorable entry-especially if you still have never seen it before. It's much better than most would let you know about, and even to this day I still recommend new zits and zombies to sit through this at least one time. Yes, it was produced by fucking Michael Bay's production company Platinum Dunes, yes the main attraction and sex appeal comes from Jessica Biel wearing a cowboy hat, covered in blood and mud running around in a tied up wife beater, low ride jeans and her mid-section exposed for 90 minutes. Who gives a shit. That's half the fun. The characters really feel real, the claustrophobia is tight and Leatherface (well, the whole Hewitt family really) is meaner than shit and they just want people for dinner. If you've been avoiding this remake for the past 15 years, just watch it already. I'm sure you'll change your mind.          

Friday, August 31, 2018

Tragedy Girls


Friends that have been together for a very long span of time usually have a pretty lengthy and detailed history with one another. If one of them starts to stray or grow apart from the other, things get strained and bad things start to take place. For Sadie and McKayla, Jordan starts making things muddy by dating Sadie while McKayla still wants to continue along with killing people to make videos and gain views on their social media site they have called Tragedy Girls. Zits and zombies, I enjoyed this flick way more than I expected. Especially since I randomly just picked this out of a bunch of assorted horror streams currently being offered on Hulu Plus. The cinematography is very clean, bright and vibrant, the music and sound design is top notch and technically there is nothing about the Tragedy Girls to complain about. Actually, now that I think about it-there isn't much of anything to complain about in general about this movie except for maybe there should have been a little more gore, more of Craig Robinson's character Big Al, and I thought that the ending was something that any audience viewing this will probably pick up on sooner than later. The dynamic between the two girls stays solid throughout and it picks up even more so after the actual serial killer that they have been holding captive the entire time finally brakes free and goes to the prom as McKayla's "date". Basically, they have a fascination with serial killers, but they also kill and film people to make videos and post on their social media site as a way to get likes, subs and viewers. So, yeah-friends who slay together really do stay together.

"Parking it" is always a great experience.

Classic-machete to the face.

Wow-who's more fucked up? The girls or the serial killer?

I normally don't care, but this Sheriff's outfit is straight from a Halloween store.

Martyrs is a great horror flick from France.

 Damn, now I want an ICEE.

Cliques and "in crowds" can kiss my gore drenched ass.

That dude's leg is broke. Well, that doesn't matter now.

Cheerleaders have always been bitches.

Way to blow your cover, ladies.

A killers work is never done.

 The kills in Tragedy Girls are really mean spirited and selfish because these two just want to do it for popularity's sake. My favorite is probably when the lead cheerleaders head gets split in-two by a table saw, even though the gore is actually CGI instead of practical. It still looks good for how it was pulled off, I just wish it was done by hand. The budget probably didn't allow it. There are some other lies and twists where Sadie was actually trying to get McKayla's phone back from Jordan taking it out of her purse, only to find out that he likes her, they kiss, the serial killer breaks in and tries to kill them and gets shot and Sadie takes the credit as being a hero and saving the Sheriff's son. Damn. There is a lot to sort through with Tragedy Girls, but once it's all figured out-it's still bro's before hoes. Or bitches before witches. Or whatever. You get it. I need to catch that new Dahmer documentary before I miss it. Laters.   

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Blood Beat


Vinegar Syndrome has been picking up the rights to some weird shit as of late, and Blood Beat is for sure a bizarre addition to said library. I had read a few random reviews of this film elsewhere on-line before deciding to throw down some notes for myself last night, and I still can't make heads or tails about what really took place during the course of this insane thrill ride of 80's schlock. There's the obvious mother that has some ridiculous psychic powers who is also an abstract artist, and immediately tells her son Ted that there's something up with Sarah right when they show up at the house from college. She even has a damned Christmas present under the tree for her-all wrapped up neatly and everything as if she had been part of the family this whole time. Also, a scene where Sarah finds a chest in the room she's staying that has a samurai sword in which she cuts her thumb on, and a suit of armor that also is of Japanese origins that just vanishes after she takes a gander at these items, and tries to convince everyone else in the family of their existence to no avail. Included in this bonkers state of affairs is a hunting accident, the gutting of a deer while it's hanging from a tree, Sarah giving herself an orgasm in rhythm to the samurai spirit killing people in the house. Yeah, it's all here and more in Blood Beat. Even during the final showdown in the third act, Ted widens his eyes so much while he's trying to use his "powers" to kill the spirit that he looks like a fucking Don Bluth animation from Dragon's Lair or Fievel Goes West. Yeah. Bet you weren't expecting that kind of reference.

If I'm supposed to be scared, I'm not.

This awful synth music brings me great joy.

Your dad's hands are full of blood. Give him a hug.

I guess abstract art was ahead of it's time.

    Warmest Christmas I've ever seen.

We hunt quiet.

That's how you ruin a shot while hunting. Jesus, Sarah.

   Get those paintings out of here, Ted.

It's hard to paint when you suddenly have Parkinson's.

Calm down, George Lucas. Buy your shit back from Disney already. Star Wars sucks these days.

Water beds bother me for some reason.

This film is chock full of warm, cozy accoutrements from the 80's that make me feel right at home.

There is no explanation behind anything that happens in Blood Beat. It's so bat-shit that there really doesn't need to be. This film really takes the cake in the way of "what the fuck did I just watch" and it really doesn't care if you care or not. It's going to do it's own thing without anyone getting in it's way. And I admire that. The recipe that bakes itself into this movie is mostly what I said above plus a samurai spirit, crazy blue and red aura things that represent this families "magical powers" and other random town folk getting stabbed with ancient Japanese swords that are sharper than your best friends' wives' silver tongue. Zits and zombies, if you're at all in the mood to check out something that will undoubtedly make your head spin in terms of crazy shit to keep track of, Blood Beat is most definitely it. Next time you go hunting though, make sure Sarah stays behind. Those animal rights people ruin everything.      

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

#400: Freddy VS. Jason (blu-ray)


This is absolutely insane to me, but I cannot believe that this is my 400th post/review here on Cinema Slayer. Absolutely gratifying. Purely satisfying. I didn't even realize how much work and dedication I have been pouring into this blog for the past 4-5 years now, and I fully believe that my writing skills have completely become honed, more solid, and focused because this has been my art-my blood, sweat and tears for these past few years. I really couldn't have done it without the love and support from close friends, loved ones and the inspirational undead....

Namely you. Whoever you are. Reading this.

  I had planned on watching and writing a review for Freddy VS. Jason quite awhile ago, but the closer I came to reaching 400 posts, the more I waited on purpose because it just felt like it was something I needed to save for just this occasion. Something fun and epic for something fun and epic. I think it fits. For something as big as this film really turned out to be, putting it off until the perfect time to work on a reflection of this film presentable enough for you all is exactly what I felt like I had to do. And I'm all the better and happier for it.

Zits and zombies, let's get going. And don't take to much Hypnocil.

 The one and only time that I have ever watched Freddy VS. Jason besides earlier today was way back in my wife and mine's Champaign days. We rented it on a whim from Family Video out of our separate love for either horror character and franchise. She wanted Freddy to win and I of course wanted the killing machine Jason to be the victor, but by the end you find out that either one of them has fears and weaknesses just like everyone else. This film really is as fun as it could have been-the humor is there, the fantastic gore is intact for both horror icons and the acting and situations are pretty smooth and don't really detract from the overall experience of absorbing these two titans of fear duking it out. If you have been a fan of either of these guys since their inceptions, you could probably already deduce what their main frights are or could be-and me telling you if you haven't seen this will just suck some fun out. But mainly they play off of their strengths with Jason just being a fucking mongoloid bulldozer and Freddy destroying peoples' dreams-the film overall does a very solid job of letting the audience know if they're in the dream world or the real world without it really being jumpy or taking them out of the realm of what is really happening. The teens are typical teen fare with the smoking, drinking, sex and all of that cliched' garbage, but it had to be there for the tissue of this picture to work. And work it does.

Into the furnace you go.

Ah. The Springwood Slasher.

 Well Mike, you're a lucky bastard.

  A mother's love is eternal. Even if it is Freddy.

Cute black girls are always real.

I guess she's having a good fucking time.

 That's what I call "folding under pressure".

Dream? What dream? This is a nightmare.

Not every full moon is easy to look at.

I'm already friends with coffee and I still have to go to bed at some point.

A rave in the middle of a corn field brings on a whole new set of trouble.

"He who walks behind the rows." Oops-wrong movie.

Jason on fire while brandishing his machete is totally kick-ass.

It's raining like hell. Close a window.

Looks like Lori fell asleep.

At the end of the night, Jason VS. Freddy offers up a gory, visceral and fun showdown between two of horrors biggest characters without letting down any fans that have been craving something of this ilk for many years. If it's possible, there should be a way to get a sequel together and have them back-but also include The Shape, Pinhead, Chucky, Leatherface, Ash, Pennywise and Victor Crowley. Mix it up a bit. Get the blood pumping. I have no clue how something that massive would work, but it's an idea. Zits and zombies, this isn't the greatest face-off flick ever made. It wasn't meant to be. It was meant to be a fun franchise booster for both characters and I firmly believe that it satiated many blood thirsty taste buds in the process. I would recommend this without hesitation and if you're a horror-hound, there is much here to soak in and enjoy. Neither Jason or Freddy were ever dead-because they needed each other to live.      

Monday, August 20, 2018

Hard Ticket To Hawaii


Some cult or low budget films just fall into obscurity never to be seen by anyone ever again. Some films of this form make their makers a God by fan's eyes while others just dissolve what little reputation said deity may have had before said picture was released. If Andy Sidaris wasn't legendary in his field before Hard Ticket To Hawaii was put onto video to burn our eyeballs through the backs of our skulls, then this had to be his masterpiece. If you're in the mood for tons of perfectly perky female melons (which are nude a lot), the gorgeous women that own them, over the top dumb dialogue, a plot that pretty much doesn't exist and some of the greatest (and I really do mean the greatest) death scenes you've probably never seen and will never see again-Hard Ticket To Hawaii is the film ticket you need to purchase. This film is an anomaly because if you're a man, you're going to be laughing your ass off while having a massive woody at the same time. At one point some jackass is holding a blow-up doll while riding a skate board down the highway with a rifle in his other hand, gets run over-and in mid-air, one of the good guys blows his ass to smithereens with a fucking rocket launcher and proclaims "it's the only gun he can hit a moving target with". And then right after that you see some amazing boob-age from any of the number of sexy ladies that grace this picture and make harsh jokes about some guys dick being to small. So this is truly a one-of-a-kind experience that needs the right mind set and the right mood. There's no accounting for good taste. But you can always see some dude get blown away by a rocket launcher.

The first five seconds and the cheese is already flowing.

Wow, uhhhhh... those are some amazing, um..... breasts.

Locally grown weed is the best grown weed.

Mahalo you fat motherfucker.

Holy shit, that guy is oblivious to what's in that crate.

Really? Even Roger Moore? He was the worst Bond out of all of them.

     Wait a minute-how the hell do you fly a RC helicopter exactly where you want it to go with a fucking cane?!

You assholes have guns with you-you can't shoot the RC chopper down?! How dumb are you?!?!?!!  

"If brains were bird shit, you would have a clean cage!"

I never knew eavesdropping was so simple.

A little bit of Taryn in the sun, a little bit of Donna all night long, a little bit of Edy here I am, a little bit of Charlotte makes me your man.

If your thing in film is absolute cheesy non-sense with lots of scorching hot babes that will give you a pee-wee stiffy, a dude that can only shoot-to-kill with a rocket launcher, terrible dialogue that will no doubt make you laugh out loud and seriously some of the most hilarious death scenes I think I've ever seen, then Hard Ticket To Hawaii is something you really need to experience. Like, now. This is a classic offering where the audience doesn't have to care or think about what is going on in the movie and they can just soak it in and enjoy it because it's fucking entertaining. Turn your brain off, get some candy, pizza or popcorn and prepare for an action/exploitation flick that once you get through with, I'm pretty sure you'll want to come back for more. Just make sure your birdcage is clean. That shit's a mess.     

Friday, August 17, 2018

Rest Stop


The early 2000's was riddled with plenty of torture porn flicks and modern horror jump-scare offerings. Really, the only pieces that resonated with me personally from those specific lines has been the Saw franchise and maybe the first two Hostel films. After all of these years following Raw Feed putting out the first Rest Stop movie, I thought it was just another generic installment in said sub-genre of terror cinema. It really isn't. I don't really know what this is. There are some scenes and plot holes in Rest Stop that I just don't think I understand. Either I missed something or there is a better cut of this film floating around out there somewhere, but there a few very big, main scenes that take place during the course of this picture that kind of take you out of the suspense and tension-back to reality. For no good reason. A huge chunk of time is spent with Deacon (the cop played by Joey Lawrence) and he basically ends up dying towards the end. But... the film plays it off as if he was a ghost? A memory? A flashback? I still have no damn clue. There a couple of characters that happens to earlier and it's played off as if Nicole is living through a memory or an apparition or something and it really doesn't make much sense because there is no pay-off and these scenes never add or explain anything to add to the actual plot or who this guy is in the yellow truck trying to kill Nicole. 

Honey, do something with that hair. It's a mess.

Maybe you're in a Target. You know-where both genders can go in both bathrooms.

Another horror flick where one of the main characters is a writer. I swear.

Road side love.  

This little adventure of yours doesn't seem like it's as fun as you thought it would be.

I don't think anything in your surrounding area is "normal".

Yeah. You know who that guy is.

I'm pretty sure that that guy on the radio isn't who he said he is or is going to do the right thing.

Shit was to predictable.

Oh boy. There are some serious Sawyer Family vibes in this R.V.

Shut up about the damn bible you Elvis Costello/Gene Hackman mix-up motherfucker.

  In the end zits and zombies, Rest Stop started out being something that seemed like it was going to be a solid new slice of fear for us to enjoy when it was first released (and there are sequels) but there are just to many flaws with this initial entry for me to want to go on to watch part two. There is no explanation as to why the characters she interacts with while the guy in the yellow truck is stalking her end up dying and then just vanish like they where ghosts or something and I actually kind of wish there was more of that really fucking weird family in the R.V. When Nicole is with them and she ends up discovering the little mongoloid child-person in the back messing around with a camera...that actually kind of took me off guard a little bit because I was expecting it to be the guy from the truck taking pictures of the people he was killing while he was killing them. Also, the school bus where he did those horrible things really wasn't in the film at all. Barely. So, so disappointing. There are much better movies to get into that are cut from a cleaner section of the same cloth. Remember the dryer sheets. Static is a bitch.