R.L. Stine's Pumpkinhead

 

I've tried out a couple of Tubi exclusives in the past and they never worked out. At least for me. But R.L. Stine's Pumpkinhead is different. Even after seeing what the poster art for this film entailed, for some really dumb reason I still thought it was going to end up being his version and vision of a remade Pumpkinhead from the 80's-but that's not what this is at all. Not even. You could call a film like Jack-O 'pumpkinhead' because the monster in that movie actually has a giant pumpkin for a head, and the actual film of that name that was released in 1988 does not have the main monster pulsate with such a thing-the villain there is a giant xenomorph looking creature reminiscent of those yellow aliens from the original Ninja Turtles cartoon. But it does not actually have a pumpkin for a head. So the title for that franchise just doesn't even make any sense. It does make sense here however because we finally have a title that fits what actually happens in the film and the main baddie itself-because kids are being sacrificed to this cursed foliage mound that slowly turns the recent offering into-well-a literal pumpkinhead. If you're familiar at all with R.L. Stine and his writing, this flick has his energy, sensibilities, charm and twists written all over it-and it made me wish that this was a book of his that he wrote at some point. And maybe it is and Tubi sought to it to adapt it into a movie. I didn't bother looking up if this was the case or not, but either way R.L. Stine's Pumpkinhead ended up being a fantastic piece of work from start to finish. There's no way you could be a fan of his and not fall in love with this flick because it straight up has the tone and feel of any of his Goosebumps, Fear Street, Mostly Ghostly, Rotten School books... or really anything he has written. I loved this flick from the moment the gates opened because it's exactly what you want and expect from something that he would be involved in, and it never felt weak or began to falter. Our basis for R.L. Stine's Pumpkinhead is rooted in the story of Cassie, Sam and Finn moving to the rural town of Red Haven. It's never actually said, but I got the implication that the husband/father passed away at some point and that's why it's just them three and why they're moving out of New York. Why is it always New York? Anyway, right after they move in the Sheriff is there to greet them and talks up the town as if it's the greatest place to live on the entire planet-veggie festival and all. I'm going to side step for a second and say that this flick ended up being a really solid coming of age story out of what Sam and Becka have to endure to bring Red Haven back from the brink and save everyone and everything-and the ending actually ended up being kind of sad and one that I won't forget for awhile. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. So Sam is sick of Finn and their mom's "shit" (I put that in quotes because at the beginning here Sam is a snotty thirteen year old punk that needs to learn about life still) as well as being annoyed about constantly getting reminded that Finn is going to be eighteen in a couple of days. That plays a role in a minute. Sam decides to steal Mr. Palmer's prized pumpkin out of his barn as a way to rebel and to be an asshole, and this is when everything starts opening up about the curse of the town and Finn suddenly disappears because he becomes the new sacrifice for the cursed mound to keep the harvest going... and the year for kids to be "ripe" for this to happen is when the turn eighteen. Also, once this happens, everyone automatically forgets they even existed as part of the curse as well. Fun. R.L. Stine's Pumpkinhead surprised me in quite a few different ways and to be honest, I already knew that I was going to dig this flick in the first place. The only other R.L. Stine flick that I remember watching some years ago to write a review on here for was Haunting Hour: Don't Think About It and now that I do think about it-that movie was a lot of fun too. I'm not going to say anything else zits and zombies-just go on Tubi and watch this piece. I don't care if it's right now, I don't care if it's your birthday and I don't care if it's Christmas time-you owe it to yourself and to R.L. Stine as a fan to have a good time with this one. It's time to move on out to Red Haven and figure out what this curse is all about. And pilfer a pumpkin from Palmer's farm. 

Valentine

 

In a similarly strained and homogenized culture from the early 2000's, Valentine sits among it's peers as a solid piece of work that delights and shines the smiles of fans which love films like the Scream franchise and I Know What You Did Last Summer. I've always been a big fan of Scream and am honestly stoked about the release of Scream 7 towards the end of this month-also, valentine's day is going to be here in less than a week as well, so what better time than now to consume something like a sleek and cleanly produced slasher such as Valentine. This was put out in 2001 and I swear that I watched this at an ex-girlfriend's house when I was with them at the time, but I might also be thinking of the My Bloody Valentine remake. Either way, Valentine is a fantastic entry and if you are indeed a fan of this type of mainstream slasher from that era, you can't miss this. It's chock full of actors that we all know like Denise Richards, Katherine Heigl, Daniel Cosgrove-the list here is heavy and it definitely adds the weight that it needs to carry itself. Valentine starts off with our five girls at a valentine's day dance during what seems like junior high with this buck-toothed nerd named Jeremy Melton. Every single one of them says no to him when he asks them individually if they would like to dance, but the only one that doesn't quite say no to him is Dorothy, and they end up making out under the bleachers. We'll get to this point later, but here in seventh grade or whatever age they are, Dorothy is a bigger girl (which I was secretly cheering Jeremy on for landing) and we all know how teens and pre-teens are-they are both targets because of their 'imperfections'. So a group of asshole boys decide that it would be hilarious to dump the dance punch on him, make fun of him and bully him for making out with Dorothy, whom I already mentioned, was a big girl. Now we need to fast forward ten plus years when everyone is in their early twenties and are past all of the bullshit that took place a decade prior. Here's where I have to point out the structure of Valentine being weak and strong at the same time because the amount of red herrings on display here is fucking staggering because it quite literally could be anyone-but if you can cut through everything as the film progresses, you'll be able to figure out who is the one wearing the cherub mask while they disfigure all of our main ladies on valentine's day. The five are Paige, Kate, Lily, Dorothy and Shelley. Shelley is the first one to bite it pretty early here, probably within the first fifteen or maybe even twenty minutes. The other tell here too is when said ladies are going to get whacked, they receive a valentine's day card that say things like "'Tis a well know fact that beauty is skin deep, savor the taste... you are what you eat. Love JM" which is a direct line to make you think that this shit is happening and the girls are getting snuffed because of that Jeremy Melton kid. Easy enough, right? It's not that simple. There's also a Jason Marquette who is creepy and talks about himself in third person and happens to have the JM initials-but there's also Evan Wheeler, Gary Taylor, Campbell Morris, Max Raimi... the list of possibilities for who the killer cherub is here like I said earlier is staggering. As I stated though, if you're really paying attention and are able to slice through everything that's going on, you'll get it. I did actually predict who was the one unaliving everyone, and to be honest when Valentine came to a close, it was satisfying. It really was. I'm a fan of slashers anyway so me digging this movie wasn't to difficult and having some of the specific actresses that are here helped things too-but I really enjoyed this flick. I'm going to end here with saying what my favorite kill was and that was probably how Denise Richards' character (Paige) gets hers-she's chillin' in the hot tub at Dorothy's valentines party, and out of nowhere the cherub comes outside and slides the plastic cover over the hot tub. He also has a giant concrete drill and is trying to drill her to death while she's trapped in the hot tub, and eventually clips her shoulder, which leads to him just taking the cover off and tossing the drill in the water to fry her ass. What a great way to go out. Happy Valentine's Day and savor that flavor. You are what you eat. So I'm going to eat a bunch of chocolate. Also, Dorothy is the big girl in the beginning of the film, and she ends up being a rich, sexy, snobby woman who talks through her teeth all the time and it really bothered me. There's that piece of information. I'm done now. 

     

Haunted House Of Pancakes

 

Haunted House Of Pancakes is a funny, cheap, b-flick that delivers exactly what you want and exactly what you think you're going to grab from it. You will come hungry and leave happy because Frank's Waffle House is serving up all the breakfast foods that any patron's stomach would be craving-eggs, sausage, pancakes, bacon, coffee, and yes... waffles. Which kind of combats the title of the film because in all reality it should have been titled Haunted Waffle House or Haunted House Of Waffles or something along those lines, but the actual title does ring off the tongue quite nice and fluidly instead of those two I just mentioned. This flick does center around a haunted (or cursed) waffle iron which according to the invoice that Sarah finds in the kitchen that came with it way late in the film states that the thing was being used and lugged around during the gunning down of the Hindenburg and Chernobyl getting nuked and all of these other historical events throughout our world history and somehow ended up in the hands of a wicked tribe that was into dark arts and blood sacrifices. So we have a waffle maker in 2025 that needs some fresh blood to drink which will spark it back into a woken status where it will possess someone to keep making waffles with it so that I can satiate itself, make all of it's evil breakfast foods kill people and take over the world as it sees fit. What a plot. Haunted House Of Pancakes is obviously a terror film that no one could take seriously because we all know there's no way in hell something like this could ever happen, and would this make someone think twice about employing a waffle maker to make waffles in their own home? I absolutely doubt it. This film was put together by the same people that gave us the funny and ridiculous Attack Of The Killer Donuts, which I have seen and did write a review for in Cinema Slayer II: Ten Years Of Horror Chaos so I have experience already with this particular group's schlock, and I'm here for it. What I wanted was to be entertained and to laugh a little here because I also had a feeling that there was going to be little to no swearing, no nudity, no boobs and lots of fake blood with limbs flying everywhere-and by God this movie delivered all of those things on a silver platter as well. Sure, I'm a regular guy and I enjoy seeing a nice pair that a woman was born with in a shitty horror flick that has little to offer, but it doesn't have to be in every fucking picture I watch. Gratuity can add something if it's warranted, but a film like Haunted House Of Pancakes shows us fans that we can still have a great time with a crappy movie without it. I really did dig this flick more than I expected and it holds a charm that other pieces of trash like Christmas Craft Fair Massacre or Terror At Blood Fart Lake just don't have. Those two movies fucking suck and lack any charisma or energy to get the viewer engaged. This one however, even though the base idea for it is actually kind of stupid, reels you in from the beginning with the brothers Carlos and Jay, living together in their little mobile home while working for Frank at what would become Frank's Waffle House. Also, Frank buys the waffle maker off of a generic website named 'peebay' instead of Ebay for a measly $15. Yeah. $15 and everything that happens in the movie happens. Sarah is an extraordinarily cute redhead who gets roped into this whole thing because she's trying to work on an essay to land an internship with the Smithsonian and needs the quiet to focus, so Jay eventually brings her to him and Carlos' trailer so she can be by herself to bang this paper out. She sees Frank out of the window dragging a dead body into the dumpster from the restaurant and the rest is chaotic musings of various breakfast foods mutilating people at the restaurant on Halloween night. Haunted House Of Pancakes ended up being a great tasting plate of grits and butter-even if you're not a fan, order some and give them another chance anyway. Frank spent $15 on that waffle maker.    

  

Christmas Craft Fair Massacre

 

I don't even know where to begin with Christmas Craft Fair Massacre. This is one of those rare times on here where I'm actually at a loss for words because for the most part in this "film" there's really nothing for me to even talk about. I think for this review, I'm just going to straight up put on here exactly what I wrote in my phone for my notes and I'll let you decide if you want to bludgeon yourself with the 71 minutes that this thing burns through.

Note 1: The acting and dialog is so petrified and stiff that there's no way in hell or in real life that that anyone actually acts like this.

Note 2: The cinematography and editing style reminds me of Bikini Girls Vs. Dinosaurs.

Note 3: This film is just sheer pain all around and feels like it's giving me kidney stones the longer it drags on.

Note 4: Everyone in here is so on the nose about 'being evil' to the point where it literally feels like all the actors are in a children's play for an elementary school about people being evil.

Note 5: I also have to point out as a former metal musician and as a music nerd in general that you don't play punk rock with a Jackson guitar at all... you just don't.

Note 6: 90% of this flick is comprised of everyone on their cell phones talking to each other about how Mortimer Shade is evil and he's the new principal at Central High School, where the Christmas craft fair is going to be held at.

That's it. That's exactly everything that I put in my phone as notes to write something on here about Christmas Craft Fair Massacre. And I think the funniest thing about this entire piece is not the fact that it actually exists and not the fact that people actually tried their best and failed miserably-no, it's neither of those. I've seen horrendous horror films many times over the years because of my work here on Cinema Slayer-and yes, this film is a shit stain that needs to be soaked and washed-but that's also not even it. If I do end up watching enough movies this year to make a worst of the year list for 2026, this will absolutely be on there. But that's not even it either. This is the most hilarious part of this whole offering... the way it ends. I don't care about 'spoiling' how this abomination ends because most of you will tap out before you make it there (hell, I almost did) but what happens is Mortimer Shade finally captures his woman which is purest of heart for his sacrifice to awaken Satan, has her chained up on a table in the basement of Central High School as the craft fair is commencing, the girls' boyfriend finds her and kills old Morty, all of the evil people's heads blow up in their own little mushroom clouds, then the entire school goes up in one as they escape. And no one-and I really mean no one-seems to care. Nobody even remotely standing in the proximity of the school gives two shits that the whole thing just went up in one of the cheapest and most glorious mushroom clouds that I think I've ever seen. But that's how the inside of my head looked as this movie came to a close. The school was nuked, my soul was nuked, my mind was nuked and my eyes were nuked behind the lenses of my scratched and worn pair of glasses. Did I have a good time with Christmas Craft Fair Massacre? Fuck no I didn't. And at the top of my worst list so far it will stay.