Scared Shitless

 

Back in 2024 before Scared Shitless was even released, my younger brother Mike had shown me the trailer for this flick and said "this looks like something you need to write a review for". And he was absolutely correct. This film fits right in with what my normal panoramic view of low budget movie good-times should encompass because it's all here. It's funny, it has plenty of gore, fantastic practical effects (with some slight CGI in spots that I didn't really think ruined anything) spot on music and characters that just felt so right in the setting and context of Scared Shitless. I won't lie, I really thought this was going to be a Monsturd type of deal where it was going to eventually evolve into a giant pile of literal shit that wants to kill and eat people-but no, that's not what this is about. It doesn't have anything to do with human fecal matter. It does however involve some weirdo that lives in an apartment in the Palmer Estates building where he conducted an experiment called "project x" (yeah, so original) that basically ended up producing some Slither/Slug looking creature that loves living it up in pipe systems and toilets because it always needs to be wet constantly, and what better way than to pop up and clog up some people's dunnys. I'm not Australian, but there it is. The way Scared Shitless opens is pretty great too because we have an older gentleman cooking an American dinner if I ever saw one which consists of long green beans, mashed potatoes and something I'm not a fan of really-meatloaf. Yeah, the legendary singer Meatloaf kicked ass when he was alive, but the food item itself is questionable at best. But Don's son Sonny is just being a lazy bastard on the couch watching a great film in and of itself-namely Manborg-if you've never seen that one, go check it out. But Sonny also has an NES and a PS1 hooked up to the main t.v. in the living room and to that I say he's got to be a proud retro gamer. Those are classic consoles. Also, the director may have thrown them in there just to populate the background and had hoped no one noticed what they were, but I did. Right away. I'm to much of a gamer to not notice things like that. But when the food is ready, Don calls Sonny over to start eating and then the exposition starts by them going through this whole thing about his mom/Don's wife passing away and now Sonny has a germaphobe problem and he's constantly drinking Bismuth all the time to settle his stomach. The Bismuth thing is integral way later in the film-but tonight is the night where Sonny is going on his first plumbing call with his dad, and it's where else-at the Palmer Estates building. Mrs. Applebaum's toilet is acting up, and she needs it taken care of. They fix it, they meet her dog Daisy and then slowly every toilet in the place starts having issues and then they eventually end up in the guys' apartment that did the experiment in the first place. They go back to Mrs. Applebaum's place where they started, and they end up extracting this massive thing that has the eggs for whatever this monster is-and they find out that the Bismuth burns them alive if it barely even touches them. There's a lot of gore in Scared Shitless with a head getting torn off and you see a mutilated body, Don's finger gets bitten off by one of the creatures and blood flies everywhere-like I mentioned before, the practical effects are great and the cinematography is spot on too. If it needs to be up close and gross, it is. If the viewer needs space to breathe, it's there. This flick is just a fun time and it's ready to watch on Tubi and Amazon Prime. When I first saw the trailer that my brother showed me a couple of years ago, I thought it looked funny, but I had a feeling that this thing was going to suck. It didn't. It was a good time. Scared Shitless didn't leave me scared shitless, but it did remind me that not every film has to take itself seriously and we can still have fun even in the bullshit times we are living in now. Would it have been better if it actually was a giant pile of actual manure or shit coming alive to kill everyone? Yeah, it might have been-but it wouldn't have been the same. I'd hang out with Sonny and his dad but I would probably tell him to stop being a pussy by constantly drinking Bismuth all the time and being worked up about germs. Turn that damn NES on so we can play some Super Dodge Ball-one of my favorite games on that console of all time. And destroy some toilet snakes while we're at it. 

HauntedWeen

 

HauntedWeen is a funny little haunted house/halloween themed slasher from 1991 because I don't think it quite knows exactly where it wants to go or who it wants to hang out with. The little Eddie Burber side of this two face is the horror part where he is hosting the family haunted house with whom I presume to be his parents-his dad looks more like he would be his grandpa-but that's beside the point. The Burber house is used for making monies with it being transformed into a haunted house to scare the crap out of anyone who is willing to pay, and something terrible happens. Before I say what happens at the beginning, I got complete Bad Ronald vibes from this situation and Eddie's mother's reaction because she almost does the same thing that Bad Ronald's mother does in that movie at the opening-if you've never seen that, what happens is this little girl keeps picking on Ronald in between going to school and whatever else and Ronald can't take it anymore after a certain point, so he shakes her up a bit and she ends up falling on a rock head first and dies. Ronald's mother cuts a hole in the wall of their house for Ronald to live in so he never gets caught by the authorities and he never has to go to jail or anything for his mistake. Ronald also ends up becoming extremely bizarre from the isolation that that type of situation provides (with living behind a wall and everything) and then his mother eventually dies when she goes to the hospital for some complications, but he doesn't know that so he's just trapped in the house forever. In HauntedWeen, during the annual money making period where Eddie and his family are hosting their haunted house, he gets a little to real with what he's supposed to do in the haunted house because he's all amped up from reading monster magazines that he ends up killing a girl while she's shitting her pants from the denizens of said haunted house. So, in order for Eddie to not get into trouble, what does his mother do? She ends up having her and Eddie move away to some remote cabin/home type place and while he's chopping wood for the fireplace, she has a heart attack and dies right on the back porch. Eddie doesn't call anyone-no ambulance, no police-nothing. He kind of just tucks her away somewhere out of sight and that's basically it. Here's the other side of this two face which is the older Eddie Burber part-I want to say about 80% of HauntedWeen is a really watered down, half-assed teen sex comedy with college idiots partying, drinking it up, smoking, guys trying to get into the girls' pants (I mean, yes-because that's what us men do) and there's plenty of nice boobs, a little blood here and there from a few random kills on Eddie's part and unnecessary drama between Kurt and Mel because Mel wants Kurt to spend more time with her and pay attention to her more, but he's the typical clown shoe where work and his boys come first. Man, fuck that shit. You have a hot blonde that wants to just be with you and you're more concerned about your Frat that is behind on it's due payments by $3,700, so you'd rather focus on that. Ass and titties, man-ass and titties. Anyway, Eddie somehow gets wind of this Frat needing the money, so he gives the keys of the house to a character here that I really thought I was going to be annoyed by the entire way through, but he actually ended up being kind of entertaining. His name is Hanks. Yeah, Hanks. He's a great sidekick and a great friend. But pretty much after the entire Frat spends an insane amount of time revamping the Burber house to be used again for haunted house purposes, the whole third act is Hanks and Kurt collecting money from random people coming to the haunted house and Eddie himself actually killing all of them one by one, and of course, everyone that is a paying patron just sees what Eddie is doing as part of the experience. They have bloodlust in their eyes and their hearts as Eddie chops people up before them, and they love it with little boys and girls screaming "chop their heads off!" and craziness like that. Towards the end (and the ending is so abrupt and absurd) Hanks actually goes in the haunted house himself because he wants to see where everyone else is and what his idea is procuring to keep making them money-and he ends up realizing that "the kill room" where Eddie is doing just that isn't in fact part of the show. That shit is real. Eddie tries escaping through a vent in the floor, and Hanks torches his ass with a prop flamethrower they have for the haunted house. Kurt sees Hanks after he runs outside and Hanks tells him "I got him-I cooked him like one of mama's homecooked biscuits-son of a bitch!" But then Eddie's toasted ass comes outside as well, gets into a car and blasts away. Kurt gets a double barrel from somewhere and unloads both shells into the back of the car as Eddie is pretty far away at the point and the whole thing blows up like someone threw a grenade at it. What a spectacular, nonsensical, unrealistic ending. And it's abrupt because after it blows up, it randomly starts driving away and then you're pushed into the end credits. And that's it. HauntedWeen didn't know how to properly end either. It just sort of stops after a fireball of a vehicle drives away somehow when we know that Eddie has to be fucking dead. But this is a funny slasher from 1991, so it needs a weird and funny ending too. And that's exactly what we have here. I had fun with HauntedWeen-would I watch it again? Maybe. I mean Hanks is pretty great and Mel is hot, but I don't know if that's enough to come back a second time. Also, the version that I watched on Tubi is actually the Vinegar Syndrome print of the film that they most likely put on blu-ray at some point. So there's that too. I don't know how to end this any better than this film does itself, so I'm just going to shoot my car with a double barrel too. Here's to investing in a new vehicle.