Teeth

Way, way back in my late teen-early twenty's years I had worked at a newspaper warehouse with a lot of really weird and idiotic people as co-workers. 2007 was one of the last years I kept this piece of shit as my place of employment before I ended up quitting to move out of state to New Mexico of all places-and one of my last memories before leaving was a conversation I had with a couple of guys that worked there that were around my age about a horror flick they had watched the weekend prior called Teeth. Yes, it really is more than likely what you think it is as it is a terror flick that revolves around a young girl by the name of Dawn that, you guessed it... has teeth in her vagina. As stupid and ridiculous as that may sound, that's what it is. And that's it. It took me more than eleven years to finally give this thing a go, and it didn't sit with me as well as I had been hoping it would have. The idea and premise behind Teeth is actually kind of original as I don't think I've ever heard of any kind of film before this one that actually took a chance at making somewhat of a strange and obvious notion a real thing in any kind of a motion picture. I think my main issue with this while I was taking my notes was that every single male that Dawn runs across is an absolute asshole-ish scumbag that wants nothing more with her than to just bang her brains out because of her very strong wills and convictions towards abstinence. They want to make her swipe her v-card, give up the ghost and pop that cherry if you can ride the wave that I'm casting, but the point is that I really had a hard time getting past the pacing and just the awkward performances that every character portrays during the course of this horror outing. I still don't really get the whole contrast between her and her step brother as she is supposed to be and angel and he's a devil or something.... I don't really know because even in the context of this mess of a film the scenes that contain Brad and his girlfriend smokin' dubs, listening to metal and fucking doggy style pretty much have nothing to do with what is going on with Dawn. It just felt unnecessary and was pretty much there as sort of comedic relief or whatever, but it never worked and drug the film down.

    Looks like the power plant that Homer works at.

Kids will be kids... I guess.

Were promise rings really that big of a thing?

Who's this asshole? Wayne Static with a shaved head?

   Damn these teens are fucking squares.

Sex and spelunking.

Radscorpion!

Masturbating is normal. I hope you know that.

Okay-that's enough man-ass in the locker room. Five seconds is long enough.

Those stalactites are cool. Look, I have a boner!

"I haven't jerked off since Easter!"

This promise/purity thing is a cult.

Lose the mullet. Then you can get a date.

After the first few guys (and a G.Y.N.O. that gets his fingers "bit" off by her vag) that she basically tears their dicks off because, well, they were dicks-Dawn starts to realize that she can actually control what her lady parts do down there during sexy time and takes some sweet revenge on her step brother for being an assclown. She seduces him (which is a really fucking weird and off-putting scene by the way) rips his wiener off, and then his dog perfectly named "mother" actually walks over to his severed helmet-in-the-bush and promptly eats it as if it were jerky or a treat or something. That shit made me laugh. HARD. Teeth by any stretch is not a good film to watch. Even by horror movie standards. There's always a cult following for pretty much anything that cultivates after long periods of time, and there is a cult grouping for this film-but they can keep it. I didn't get into it as much as I really had hoped after all of these years of putting it off because it just sounded fucking dumb. And I was kind of right in thinking that. Zits and zombies, I would recommend watching this maybe once to satiate some kind of curiosity towards a terror flick that involves a young woman that naturally has thorns in her rose, but I can assure you that this isn't a bouquet your going to have arranged for a special occasion anytime soon. Now I have to go forget about that damn Poison song for the umpteenth time.    

Wrong Turn (blu-ray)

The Wrong Turn franchise is a set of backwoods killer films that I have known about for quite some time-I've just never bothered to dive in head first. Really, the only one in this six entry long series that I've ever even seen bits from has been the original, and recently I have finally gotten around to actually watching it all the way to the end-and it actually kind of made me feel satisfied. Getting into this was sort of nagging at me to check out at least one of them, and the first one is probably going to end up being the only good one. I haven't watched any of the sequels yet, but I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that they probably suck, are lame, and will more than likely make me regret that I blind bought the blu-ray set with 1-5 contained within. I have tried finding a blu-ray box with all six of them because there is a DVD set with all six-so why not blu-ray? I don't know but I absolutely cannot find anything except the one that I purchased recently, so I'll just have to pick up the final one on it's own at some point later on. So is the first Wrong Turn any good? Yes, yes it is. It's not anywhere near the level of "horror film of the year", but it is entertaining in that shitty, overly cliched "I've seen this a thousand times before" kind of way where you know what to expect without having to put a lot of effort into being an audience member while this movie plays. The gore is well done, Eliza Dushku is top notch as always, make-up on the inbred killers is solid and the cinematography is surprisingly clean with all of the fast action. There is plenty of brutality to be had here, and I really hope that the rest of the franchise doesn't slack on the goods.

      An aerial shot of the woods is never good.

She needs help, jackass!

Inbreeding always gets a healthy two thumbs up.

I have a feeling that your job interview isn't going to be very important soon.

Pepto-Bismol has that sweet, bubble gum flavor to it. Goes down real smooth.

  Eliza Dushku and a hot redhead? Yeah... give me a minute.

"I can't hear you!"

You're not dangerous. You're a hippie.

A garage sale from hell-that's a good one.

No noise-you can't make any noise.

Damn. Even disfigured, inbred pieces of shit know how to shoot.

   Realistically, the original Wrong Turn does have some tense moments that will make you question why you are watching it in the first place. There was a little bit of a Texas Chainsaw vibe that I absorbed while taking my notes, but it still ended up being it's own thing without trying to capitalize on such a classic. The inbred cannibals that chase after them were really quick and seemed to have their thing down-pat with sawing off limbs, shooting people, bludgeoning them to death and most any other psychotic activity that would entail tenderizing innocent trespassers into red meat for dinner. This is not even close to being a backwoods killer staple by any stretch of the imagination, but if any zit or zombie is in the mood to see a babe in the woods take on some hillbilly brethren, then by all means give the very first Wrong Turn a spin. I've got five of these things left. Wilmatuckey here I come.

Suburban Gothic

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The Witches (VHS)

My fevered brain has been filled with similar ideas and notions about The Witches as it was with The Peanut Butter Solution. Anytime that I have ever ran across a review on some film critic's site or on Youtube about this picture in particular, it was always someone saying things about seeing this when they were ten and having nightmares about it for days and weeks as it burned holes into their pre-teen psyches and imaginations. Could something with Anjelica Huston really be that frightening? I mean, she has always been Morticia Adams as far as I'm concerned, but that character has never been scary in the least. Just really nonchalant about being dark and morbid. It's normal, really. I found this on tape at a garage sale a couple years back and have now only gotten around to finally absorbing what The Witches has to offer, and I have to be blunt and forward by saying that I really dug it. It kind of rides that same bizarre line between being to much for children and just kind of weird for adults-which is where the comparison to The Peanut Butter Solution comes in. It's a movie that was intended for kids, but it really shouldn't be viewed by them because there is some strong imagery here. Nowadays they don't really seem to be affected or thrown off by much of anything because they can see all the messed up shit they want on the internet at any given time, and it makes something like this come off as more silly than anything. I, however, really enjoyed the plot, characters, effects and make-up and Jim Henson's final production of puppeteer mastery is on display here to make when Luke and Bruno being turned into mice after getting tricked into ingesting some formula 86 all the more fun and realistic. 

I want to go skiing all of a sudden.

You don't know if the devil is real.

Tell me more grandma-make sure to dip those candles.

Plain, sensible shoes.

No Luke-please shower. You're already socially awkward enough.

So, did Luke's parents die or what the hell happened?

Granny loves them cigars.

Fat kids always steal food.

Grand High Witch, Evar I presume.

I'm more impressed that that looks like a kids' blue print for the game Mouse Trap than it does for a circus.

Now that's a fucking witch!

The child.... is a mouse!

It's probably the baby carriage, but the song Far Cry by Rush would be prefect right now.

I have to give it to the cinematography in particular (especially towards the final act) after Luke and Bruno change into mice, because it probably took a mountain of work to make their perspectives and what the audience sees the way that it ended up. A lot of strange angles and viewpoints that are cut together to follow them around give you a sense of being small and to the floor, and it really added some realism and creativity to the fact that they are that tiny and anything could crush them at any given moment. I admired it. The Witches is one crazy ride of people not being what they perceive themselves to be, and when the infamous scene where all of the witches take off their wigs and are all congregated in that meeting in the hotel-that's when things start getting weird and awesome at the same time. Zits and zombies, this deserves your attention if you've never seen it. Watch your back for the woman in black-she'll try to trick you with a snake and some chocolate.       

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003 Remake)

Remakes of any kind usually drum up emotions and feelings of wanting to vomit everywhere. It shows that whoever takes on such an undertaking with their time and budget pretty much has no original ideas, creativity or inspiration to carve out anything even remotely original to offer up in regards of art or integrity. There is another side of the coin where a remake or a reboot can actually be leaps and bounds better than it's initial counter part and has a mass appeal that warrants a frenzied fan base-which back when I saw The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) with an ex-girlfriend when it was first released, somehow was all caught up in the gore, the hype, and the thinking that this actually was based on a true story and bought it. Technically, this and the masterpiece original from 1974 really are based on true events-what with Tobe Hooper garnering the idea from a combination with his fascination of famed serial killer Ed Gein who did his work in Plainfield, Wisconsin-and from the random idea of being in line at a hardware store one afternoon and thinking to himself "It would be so easy to just cut all of these people down in front of me with that chainsaw on the wall over there". Even though the original picture from '74 is the best film in the franchise (and my favorite fear flick of all time) I really can't deny the effect this 2003 remake had on me when I saw it in the theater. The girlfriend I was with at that time wanted to see pretty much every new horror movie coming out while we were together, and this was one of the first ones. I wasn't at all used to watching movies like this then, and there were a few scenes that I really cringed and looked away at. Now, this film is cake. But it's mainly because of this entry that I very slowly started to want to see more-form a fascination with serial killers myself, and ultimately find out about Tobe Hooper's first flick that got him noticed and changed the world of horror forever.

This grainy, black and white opening really sets the tone.

Sweet Home Alabama. Sweet, cowboy hat wearing Jessica Biel.

Shut up, Franklin. Oh wait, he's in the original. Nevermind.

She had a .38 in her vagina. And she shot herself in the mouth. Holy shit.

There's lots of reasons not to call the cops.

That meat is.... yeah. You don't want any of that.

A dilapidated mill that has mummified dolls and body parts all over the entrance wall is probably not a place you just walk into.

Morgan is right. Just go.

You know how easy it would be to just kill this old guy in the wheelchair?

Here we go-it's Leatherface!

It took you this long to figure out that where you're at is weird?!

"I smell bullshit."

 There are many diehard fans of the initial picture from Tobe Hooper that just don't like this version. I totally get it. Maybe it's nostalgia, or maybe it's because it was one of the first movies of this kind that really stuck to me and never let me forget about it for a long time, but in all honesty, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) is a solid remake and one great update for the early 2000's. The grit, the dim and dreary color pallet that pretty much saturates through to the end, and the downright dirty and hopeless feeling that you get from the utter panic and urgency behind the five main characters for the course of this film really makes this a memorable entry-especially if you still have never seen it before. It's much better than most would let you know about, and even to this day I still recommend new zits and zombies to sit through this at least one time. Yes, it was produced by fucking Michael Bay's production company Platinum Dunes, yes the main attraction and sex appeal comes from Jessica Biel wearing a cowboy hat, covered in blood and mud running around in a tied up wife beater, low ride jeans and her mid-section exposed for 90 minutes. Who gives a shit. That's half the fun. The characters really feel real, the claustrophobia is tight and Leatherface (well, the whole Hewitt family really) is meaner than shit and they just want people for dinner. If you've been avoiding this remake for the past 15 years, just watch it already. I'm sure you'll change your mind.