Psycho Party Planner

 

I'm probably wrong on remembering this, but I think the last time I even remotely thought about watching a Lifetime movie was when my wife and I lived in Champaign. I chose Psycho Party Planner because the title sounded titillating and I was just ultimately curious as to how far could a film of this ilk go? I mean, we all know how hilariously bad and how hilariously low Lifetime flicks can reach to portray a story, but this entry was different. It was still pretty lame in specific spots (especially in the beginning when it's trying to setup everything to get going) but I don't know zits and zombies-I actually enjoyed myself with this one. Was this good enough to escape the clutches of being tossed somewhere onto my worst of the year list? Yeah, kind of-I threw it on the runners-up list for the moment because it still didn't steep my tea hot enough in the end, but this thing does have plenty of twists and revelations that did exceed my expectations. And I'll be honest, the acting from Lindsey McKeon, Katrina Begin and Cathryn Dylan went further than I thought it would in believability and prose to deliver what this plot eventually unfolds to. Basically here we have Kerry (Dylan) who is about to turn sixteen, and her parents want to throw her a sweet sixteen party to celebrate her. So since neither of Kerry's parents have the time to plan it themselves, they take the time to hire someone to plan it for them. Right away this is kind of ridiculous because if you don't have the time to plan the party, would you even have the time to find someone to do it for you either? I mean, I know that would take less time, but shit-okay, I just went with it for the situation that was happening. So, before any of that crap with Kerry's parents takes place with them talking to her about hiring someone to plan her birthday party when this film opens, we have Lindy (Katrina Begin) and her husband in bed fighting about how she can't physically have children and it's not part of what he signed up for when he married her and all of this other bullshit-he's a fucking prick to her outright, they end up in the hallway by the staircase and oops-his ass goes tumbling down the winding flight which is a symbolic foreshadowing to the downward spiral that Lindy is about to embark upon to keep her career going after his dumbass is dead. There's actually a lot of foreshadowing that happens in Psycho Party Planner that I don't know how you would ever miss unless you're just blatantly not watching the movie and have it on for background noise. So when Kayla (the ever sexy Lindsey McKeon) starts interviewing women who are party/wedding planners to put together something for Kerry, the first one she interviews is very likeable, knows what she's doing and is just all around reasonable. And judging from when we see the inside of her house later when Lindy bumps her off, she seemed pretty damn good and successful at what she was doing too because that was one ballin' place to live. But Lindy doesn't like the fact that Kayla wants to hire Dulcie over her (the first party planner) so she steals her resume from the table that it's sitting on to get her address and so the psycho part from here starts building up. Lindy kills Dulcie in her own house, then she starts living there I guess? Later on in the middle of the film, Lindy brings Kerry over there to figure out some stuff for the party and she lets her drink a pretty full glass of wine (she's supposed to be fifteen, remember?) and it's Dulcie's house, but Kerry doesn't know that. And then slowly but surely, Lindy just starts popping up everywhere that Kerry is-during her dance/cheerleading practices, and school in general, driving her home, when she's hanging out with her friends at some outdoor café-it gets really creepy really fast. Even thought I didn't end up being a massive, over-the-top fan of Psycho Party Planner, I did enjoy it way more than I thought I would. Out of all the Lifetime slop that I've seen randomly over the years, this really has to be the best one. The plot is rock solid, the main ladies here give pretty excellent performances and the ending is an ending that literally came out of nowhere, even though it was pretty predictable. The main issue I had with how it ended though was is that it was abrupt and the info you find out from Lindy right before her demise felt kind of shoehorned in at the last minute because whoever wrote the script couldn't figure out where else to put it, so it ended up right when this thing was about to end. Even though I enjoyed this one and I would actually recommend you inspirational undead to give Psycho Party Planner a go if you're in the mood for fare like this, it's still going on my runners-up list for my worst of the year. I can't praise it any higher than that because of the layers of lameness that plague Lifetime flicks. It's there, it will always be there and there is no cure. It's just how these movies are made. I'm turning 42 this year-maybe I could hire Lindsey McKeon to help me plan something for my birthday. Damn-dreams are so much better than reality. 

Cinderella's Revenge

 

So, there's a Winnie The Pooh horror movie and a Mickey Mouse horror movie and a Popeye horror movie, and even a fucking Little Mermaid horror movie-but now, there's also a Cinderella horror movie. One of many I guess. You barely have to dig online at all to take a plunge into this new world of terror that seemingly came out of nowhere because I have to ask the question-who the hell are these flicks made for? Are they just being made as a joke to poke fun at the fact that Hollyweird is out of ideas? Are they being slapped together to ruin our childhoods and the next generation of innocence? Are they ultimately being funded because even indie horror directors are becoming bored and just need something to do? There is a massive line of inquiries that I hold onto whenever I run across a film in this shiny new sub-genre of horror because I don't know how I feel about them. I know how to have a good time with a piece of shit that was made purposefully for us fiends to actually have a good time with-and some of them were made with the best of intentions just to get a piece of work out there because the people behind them wanted to do something different and creative. But taking something like The Little Mermaid or Cinderella and turning it into a slasher of sorts is just fucking hilariously bad. Was Cinderella's Revenge actually good or entertaining? On both accounts, to certain degrees, yeah, it actually was. But I immediately threw it on the runners-up portion of my worst of the year list because it's a massive purgatory flick. I would never want to watch this ever again and I wouldn't expect anyone else to want to either. The acting itself really isn't half bad considering the cast is seemingly a bunch of nobodies, and I have to say that the woman that plays Cinderella's step mother is particularly bitchy and reminded me at full speed of Hillary Clinton. She straight up looks just like her and I couldn't shake that fact the whole way through. Plot-wise it's the same old shit from this particular story... we have the glass slipper, a prince looking for a beautiful bride, the evil, horrible stepmother and the evil, horrible step sisters and Cinderella herself who's beaten and abused by said sisters and stepmother. They even go so far as hiring some asshole to whip her in one of the barns they have out back while Rachel and Josephine watch, laugh, and get giddy at the fact that he's destroying her body because they hate her so much for being low life scum. Let me tell you something-there's a reason why this is called Cinderella's Revenge-and we'll get to that soon. But first, let's talk about the beginning of the film and the most over-the-top moment here. The setup is that Cinderella's dad is executed by these two clowns in Spirit Halloween skeleton masks who were hired by-you guessed it-her stepmother. She has him beheaded for stealing some treasures from the king. But you find out later that she herself stole the shit and killed him as a cover up. So now Cinderella has to do her bidding because her father isn't there to protect her anymore. Also, really quickly before we get to the insane moment I just mentioned, here's what happens when the fairy godmother gives Cinderella her "carriage" and her dress and all of that crap-the "carriage" isn't a "carriage", it's a damn EV from our time period and the guy that gets out of the car when it shows up is supposed to be Elon Musk, but he sure as hell doesn't look anything like him. Also, her hair gets done by Vidal Sassoon (I think it's actually him in the movie, but I'm not sure on that one) and her dress and glass slippers were made by two other fashion designer guys that I don't know dick about. So there's that to unpack. But here's where shit peaks and gets hilarious. So after the ball, we all know about the prince going around to find the foot that fits the glass slipper. The first sister (Rachel) tries shoving her foot in it, but it's to big. Josephine does the same thing, but when the guys go to the kitchen for a minute to get some water, the stepmother gives the cake knife to Josephine so she can cut her two smaller toes off her foot so it will fit in the glass slipper-and she actually does it! And it's fucking gory! I was not expecting this at all when this happened! After that nonsense, we get to where the fairy godmother gives Cinderella one of the Spirit Halloween masks those guys were wearing in the beginning of the movie, it turns her into a nigh invincible killing machine and she slaughters her family members one by one. And Hogan, who is one of the guys who killed her father in the beginning. And Bennett, who is the other guy who killed her father in the beginning of the movie. I'm exhausted. I didn't think it was going to take this much out of me to write about Cinderella's Revenge, but this is it. Zits and zombies, if you're already invested heavily into these weird childhood slasher films, go right ahead with this one because you'll probably enjoy it. But if the very title just makes you laugh or worried, don't bother. Unless you want to watch Josephine slice her toes off to try and make her foot fit into the glass slipper. That shit was hilarious and threw me for a loop. Maybe there will be a Snow White horror movie next. Seven killer dwarves-sign me up. 

 

R.L. Stine's Pumpkinhead

 

I've tried out a couple of Tubi exclusives in the past and they never worked out. At least for me. But R.L. Stine's Pumpkinhead is different. Even after seeing what the poster art for this film entailed, for some really dumb reason I still thought it was going to end up being his version and vision of a remade Pumpkinhead from the 80's-but that's not what this is at all. Not even. You could call a film like Jack-O 'pumpkinhead' because the monster in that movie actually has a giant pumpkin for a head, and the actual film of that name that was released in 1988 does not have the main monster pulsate with such a thing-the villain there is a giant xenomorph looking creature reminiscent of those yellow aliens from the original Ninja Turtles cartoon. But it does not actually have a pumpkin for a head. So the title for that franchise just doesn't even make any sense. It does make sense here however because we finally have a title that fits what actually happens in the film and the main baddie itself-because kids are being sacrificed to this cursed foliage mound that slowly turns the recent offering into-well-a literal pumpkinhead. If you're familiar at all with R.L. Stine and his writing, this flick has his energy, sensibilities, charm and twists written all over it-and it made me wish that this was a book of his that he wrote at some point. And maybe it is and Tubi sought to it to adapt it into a movie. I didn't bother looking up if this was the case or not, but either way R.L. Stine's Pumpkinhead ended up being a fantastic piece of work from start to finish. There's no way you could be a fan of his and not fall in love with this flick because it straight up has the tone and feel of any of his Goosebumps, Fear Street, Mostly Ghostly, Rotten School books... or really anything he has written. I loved this flick from the moment the gates opened because it's exactly what you want and expect from something that he would be involved in, and it never felt weak or began to falter. Our basis for R.L. Stine's Pumpkinhead is rooted in the story of Cassie, Sam and Finn moving to the rural town of Red Haven. It's never actually said, but I got the implication that the husband/father passed away at some point and that's why it's just them three and why they're moving out of New York. Why is it always New York? Anyway, right after they move in the Sheriff is there to greet them and talks up the town as if it's the greatest place to live on the entire planet-veggie festival and all. I'm going to side step for a second and say that this flick ended up being a really solid coming of age story out of what Sam and Becka have to endure to bring Red Haven back from the brink and save everyone and everything-and the ending actually ended up being kind of sad and one that I won't forget for awhile. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. So Sam is sick of Finn and their mom's "shit" (I put that in quotes because at the beginning here Sam is a snotty thirteen year old punk that needs to learn about life still) as well as being annoyed about constantly getting reminded that Finn is going to be eighteen in a couple of days. That plays a role in a minute. Sam decides to steal Mr. Palmer's prized pumpkin out of his barn as a way to rebel and to be an asshole, and this is when everything starts opening up about the curse of the town and Finn suddenly disappears because he becomes the new sacrifice for the cursed mound to keep the harvest going... and the year for kids to be "ripe" for this to happen is when they turn eighteen. Also, once this happens, everyone automatically forgets they even existed as part of the curse as well. Fun. R.L. Stine's Pumpkinhead surprised me in quite a few different ways and to be honest, I already knew that I was going to dig this flick in the first place. The only other R.L. Stine flick that I remember watching some years ago to write a review on here for was Haunting Hour: Don't Think About It and now that I do think about it-that movie was a lot of fun too. I'm not going to say anything else zits and zombies-just go on Tubi and watch this piece. I don't care if it's right now, I don't care if it's your birthday and I don't care if it's Christmas time-you owe it to yourself and to R.L. Stine as a fan to have a good time with this one. It's time to move on out to Red Haven and figure out what this curse is all about. And pilfer a pumpkin from Palmer's farm. 

Valentine

 

In a similarly strained and homogenized culture from the early 2000's, Valentine sits among it's peers as a solid piece of work that delights and shines the smiles of fans which love films like the Scream franchise and I Know What You Did Last Summer. I've always been a big fan of Scream and am honestly stoked about the release of Scream 7 towards the end of this month-also, valentine's day is going to be here in less than a week as well, so what better time than now to consume something like a sleek and cleanly produced slasher such as Valentine. This was put out in 2001 and I swear that I watched this at an ex-girlfriend's house when I was with them at the time, but I might also be thinking of the My Bloody Valentine remake. Either way, Valentine is a fantastic entry and if you are indeed a fan of this type of mainstream slasher from that era, you can't miss this. It's chock full of actors that we all know like Denise Richards, Katherine Heigl, Daniel Cosgrove-the list here is heavy and it definitely adds the weight that it needs to carry itself. Valentine starts off with our five girls at a valentine's day dance during what seems like junior high with this buck-toothed nerd named Jeremy Melton. Every single one of them says no to him when he asks them individually if they would like to dance, but the only one that doesn't quite say no to him is Dorothy, and they end up making out under the bleachers. We'll get to this point later, but here in seventh grade or whatever age they are, Dorothy is a bigger girl (which I was secretly cheering Jeremy on for landing) and we all know how teens and pre-teens are-they are both targets because of their 'imperfections'. So a group of asshole boys decide that it would be hilarious to dump the dance punch on him, make fun of him and bully him for making out with Dorothy, whom I already mentioned, was a big girl. Now we need to fast forward ten plus years when everyone is in their early twenties and are past all of the bullshit that took place a decade prior. Here's where I have to point out the structure of Valentine being weak and strong at the same time because the amount of red herrings on display here is fucking staggering because it quite literally could be anyone-but if you can cut through everything as the film progresses, you'll be able to figure out who is the one wearing the cherub mask while they disfigure all of our main ladies on valentine's day. The five are Paige, Kate, Lily, Dorothy and Shelley. Shelley is the first one to bite it pretty early here, probably within the first fifteen or maybe even twenty minutes. The other tell here too is when said ladies are going to get whacked, they receive a valentine's day card that say things like "'Tis a well know fact that beauty is skin deep, savor the taste... you are what you eat. Love JM" which is a direct line to make you think that this shit is happening and the girls are getting snuffed because of that Jeremy Melton kid. Easy enough, right? It's not that simple. There's also a Jason Marquette who is creepy and talks about himself in third person and happens to have the JM initials-but there's also Evan Wheeler, Gary Taylor, Campbell Morris, Max Raimi... the list of possibilities for who the killer cherub is here like I said earlier is staggering. As I stated though, if you're really paying attention and are able to slice through everything that's going on, you'll get it. I did actually predict who was the one unaliving everyone, and to be honest when Valentine came to a close, it was satisfying. It really was. I'm a fan of slashers anyway so me digging this movie wasn't to difficult and having some of the specific actresses that are here helped things too-but I really enjoyed this flick. I'm going to end here with saying what my favorite kill was and that was probably how Denise Richards' character (Paige) gets hers-she's chillin' in the hot tub at Dorothy's valentines party, and out of nowhere the cherub comes outside and slides the plastic cover over the hot tub. He also has a giant concrete drill and is trying to drill her to death while she's trapped in the hot tub, and eventually clips her shoulder, which leads to him just taking the cover off and tossing the drill in the water to fry her ass. What a great way to go out. Happy Valentine's Day and savor that flavor. You are what you eat. So I'm going to eat a bunch of chocolate. Also, Dorothy is the big girl in the beginning of the film, and she ends up being a rich, sexy, snobby woman who talks through her teeth all the time and it really bothered me. There's that piece of information. I'm done now. 

     

Haunted House Of Pancakes

 

Haunted House Of Pancakes is a funny, cheap, b-flick that delivers exactly what you want and exactly what you think you're going to grab from it. You will come hungry and leave happy because Frank's Waffle House is serving up all the breakfast foods that any patron's stomach would be craving-eggs, sausage, pancakes, bacon, coffee, and yes... waffles. Which kind of combats the title of the film because in all reality it should have been titled Haunted Waffle House or Haunted House Of Waffles or something along those lines, but the actual title does ring off the tongue quite nice and fluidly instead of those two I just mentioned. This flick does center around a haunted (or cursed) waffle iron which according to the invoice that Sarah finds in the kitchen that came with it way late in the film states that the thing was being used and lugged around during the gunning down of the Hindenburg and Chernobyl getting nuked and all of these other historical events throughout our world history and somehow ended up in the hands of a wicked tribe that was into dark arts and blood sacrifices. So we have a waffle maker in 2025 that needs some fresh blood to drink which will spark it back into a woken status where it will possess someone to keep making waffles with it so that I can satiate itself, make all of it's evil breakfast foods kill people and take over the world as it sees fit. What a plot. Haunted House Of Pancakes is obviously a terror film that no one could take seriously because we all know there's no way in hell something like this could ever happen, and would this make someone think twice about employing a waffle maker to make waffles in their own home? I absolutely doubt it. This film was put together by the same people that gave us the funny and ridiculous Attack Of The Killer Donuts, which I have seen and did write a review for in Cinema Slayer II: Ten Years Of Horror Chaos so I have experience already with this particular group's schlock, and I'm here for it. What I wanted was to be entertained and to laugh a little here because I also had a feeling that there was going to be little to no swearing, no nudity, no boobs and lots of fake blood with limbs flying everywhere-and by God this movie delivered all of those things on a silver platter as well. Sure, I'm a regular guy and I enjoy seeing a nice pair that a woman was born with in a shitty horror flick that has little to offer, but it doesn't have to be in every fucking picture I watch. Gratuity can add something if it's warranted, but a film like Haunted House Of Pancakes shows us fans that we can still have a great time with a crappy movie without it. I really did dig this flick more than I expected and it holds a charm that other pieces of trash like Christmas Craft Fair Massacre or Terror At Blood Fart Lake just don't have. Those two movies fucking suck and lack any charisma or energy to get the viewer engaged. This one however, even though the base idea for it is actually kind of stupid, reels you in from the beginning with the brothers Carlos and Jay, living together in their little mobile home while working for Frank at what would become Frank's Waffle House. Also, Frank buys the waffle maker off of a generic website named 'peebay' instead of Ebay for a measly $15. Yeah. $15 and everything that happens in the movie happens. Sarah is an extraordinarily cute redhead who gets roped into this whole thing because she's trying to work on an essay to land an internship with the Smithsonian and needs the quiet to focus, so Jay eventually brings her to him and Carlos' trailer so she can be by herself to bang this paper out. She sees Frank out of the window dragging a dead body into the dumpster from the restaurant and the rest is chaotic musings of various breakfast foods mutilating people at the restaurant on Halloween night. Haunted House Of Pancakes ended up being a great tasting plate of grits and butter-even if you're not a fan, order some and give them another chance anyway. Frank spent $15 on that waffle maker.    

  

Christmas Craft Fair Massacre

 

I don't even know where to begin with Christmas Craft Fair Massacre. This is one of those rare times on here where I'm actually at a loss for words because for the most part in this "film" there's really nothing for me to even talk about. I think for this review, I'm just going to straight up put on here exactly what I wrote in my phone for my notes and I'll let you decide if you want to bludgeon yourself with the 71 minutes that this thing burns through.

Note 1: The acting and dialog is so petrified and stiff that there's no way in hell or in real life that that anyone actually acts like this.

Note 2: The cinematography and editing style reminds me of Bikini Girls Vs. Dinosaurs.

Note 3: This film is just sheer pain all around and feels like it's giving me kidney stones the longer it drags on.

Note 4: Everyone in here is so on the nose about 'being evil' to the point where it literally feels like all the actors are in a children's play for an elementary school about people being evil.

Note 5: I also have to point out as a former metal musician and as a music nerd in general that you don't play punk rock with a Jackson guitar at all... you just don't.

Note 6: 90% of this flick is comprised of everyone on their cell phones talking to each other about how Mortimer Shade is evil and he's the new principal at Central High School, where the Christmas craft fair is going to be held at.

That's it. That's exactly everything that I put in my phone as notes to write something on here about Christmas Craft Fair Massacre. And I think the funniest thing about this entire piece is not the fact that it actually exists and not the fact that people actually tried their best and failed miserably-no, it's neither of those. I've seen horrendous horror films many times over the years because of my work here on Cinema Slayer-and yes, this film is a shit stain that needs to be soaked and washed-but that's also not even it. If I do end up watching enough movies this year to make a worst of the year list for 2026, this will absolutely be on there. But that's not even it either. This is the most hilarious part of this whole offering... the way it ends. I don't care about 'spoiling' how this abomination ends because most of you will tap out before you make it there (hell, I almost did) but what happens is Mortimer Shade finally captures his woman which is purest of heart for his sacrifice to awaken Satan, has her chained up on a table in the basement of Central High School as the craft fair is commencing, the girls' boyfriend finds her and kills old Morty, all of the evil people's heads blow up in their own little mushroom clouds, then the entire school goes up in one as they escape. And no one-and I really mean no one-seems to care. Nobody even remotely standing in the proximity of the school gives two shits that the whole thing just went up in one of the cheapest and most glorious mushroom clouds that I think I've ever seen. But that's how the inside of my head looked as this movie came to a close. The school was nuked, my soul was nuked, my mind was nuked and my eyes were nuked behind the lenses of my scratched and worn pair of glasses. Did I have a good time with Christmas Craft Fair Massacre? Fuck no I didn't. And at the top of my worst list so far it will stay.

    

Killcast

 

I'll be straight up here zits and zombies with Killcast-don't fucking watch it. Just don't. This is another one to add to the pile where almost nothing happens for 72 minutes (I didn't even watch this flick to the end mind you) and there is a continuous mountain of characters that you don't and won't give a shit about. The kills that take place here are so sporadic and spaced out during the runtime that you start wondering if what this film is supposed to be about is even going to live up to it. I really don't have a whole lot to say about Killcast because it doesn't provide anything worth mentioning. The only plug to another flick that this waste has is that the Kat Von D/tattoo chick that's in the opening scene of Late Checkout is present here except she's our main girl this time and she hosts a serial killer podcast named "The Final Bitch Podcast" and even that within the film itself is just godawful and dreadful. I really was behind the concept here where she hosts a killer podcast and ends up getting involved in what the newest serial killer is doing to her friends in her own home town-but it never delivers on that slender promise. This movie doesn't do much of anything besides boring the living hell out of the viewer and it's honestly a shame. I should have known what to expect from this regurgitated ramen soup when the SRS logo popped up on-screen when this thing started because I came to the conclusion many, many years ago when Cinema Slayer was in it's infancy that that logo is the kiss of death. It's the smooch of boredom, the cheek-to-cheek slick of poison and the hand holding of suicide. There's no hope when it comes to a horror or cult film with the SRS stamp on it, and right when I saw that I should have just skipped this one. But no, I'm to stubborn for that-I wanted to give Killcast a chance. Maybe this flick would redeem the brand and swoon me back into their fold after all of these years, but no... it didn't. It solidified my resolve to what I already knew was true even more and once again I'm going to state on here that if you watch anything that has that red lettering in front of it or in the opening credits somewhere to lure you in, just fucking turn the thing off and read a book. Hell, if I would have known that Killcast was going to be an entry for a possible worst of the year list for the end of here at 2026, I would have either watched something else on my list or I would have continued reading more of the Life Expectancy novel by Dean Koontz that I'm in the middle of at the moment. So basically it comes down to awful, pointless kills, almost no plot and characters that mean absolutely nothing to anyone here in Killcast. Just don't attempt this one and maybe, just maybe I'll end up having the time to watch enough films this year to put together a worst of the year list for 2026. And this is prime meat for the grinder.