So, there's a Winnie The Pooh horror movie and a Mickey Mouse horror movie and a Popeye horror movie, and even a fucking Little Mermaid horror movie-but now, there's also a Cinderella horror movie. One of many I guess. You barely have to dig online at all to take a plunge into this new world of terror that seemingly came out of nowhere because I have to ask the question-who the hell are these flicks made for? Are they just being made as a joke to poke fun at the fact that Hollyweird is out of ideas? Are they being slapped together to ruin our childhoods and the next generation of innocence? Are they ultimately being funded because even indie horror directors are becoming bored and just need something to do? There is a massive line of inquiries that I hold onto whenever I run across a film in this shiny new sub-genre of horror because I don't know how I feel about them. I know how to have a good time with a piece of shit that was made purposefully for us fiends to actually have a good time with-and some of them were made with the best of intentions just to get a piece of work out there because the people behind them wanted to do something different and creative. But taking something like The Little Mermaid or Cinderella and turning it into a slasher of sorts is just fucking hilariously bad. Was Cinderella's Revenge actually good or entertaining? On both accounts, to certain degrees, yeah, it actually was. But I immediately threw it on the runners-up portion of my worst of the year list because it's a massive purgatory flick. I would never want to watch this ever again and I wouldn't expect anyone else to want to either. The acting itself really isn't half bad considering the cast is seemingly a bunch of nobodies, and I have to say that the woman that plays Cinderella's step mother is particularly bitchy and reminded me at full speed of Hillary Clinton. She straight up looks just like her and I couldn't shake that fact the whole way through. Plot-wise it's the same old shit from this particular story... we have the glass slipper, a prince looking for a beautiful bride, the evil, horrible stepmother and the evil, horrible step sisters and Cinderella herself who's beaten and abused by said sisters and stepmother. They even go so far as hiring some asshole to whip her in one of the barns they have out back while Rachel and Josephine watch, laugh, and get giddy at the fact that he's destroying her body because they hate her so much for being low life scum. Let me tell you something-there's a reason why this is called Cinderella's Revenge-and we'll get to that soon. But first, let's talk about the beginning of the film and the most over-the-top moment here. The setup is that Cinderella's dad is executed by these two clowns in Spirit Halloween skeleton masks who were hired by-you guessed it-her stepmother. She has him beheaded for stealing some treasures from the king. But you find out later that she herself stole the shit and killed him as a cover up. So now Cinderella has to do her bidding because her father isn't there to protect her anymore. Also, really quickly before we get to the insane moment I just mentioned, here's what happens when the fairy godmother gives Cinderella her "carriage" and her dress and all of that crap-the "carriage" isn't a "carriage", it's a damn EV from our time period and the guy that gets out of the car when it shows up is supposed to be Elon Musk, but he sure as hell doesn't look anything like him. Also, her hair gets done by Vidal Sassoon (I think it's actually him in the movie, but I'm not sure on that one) and her dress and glass slippers were made by two other fashion designer guys that I don't know dick about. So there's that to unpack. But here's where shit peaks and gets hilarious. So after the ball, we all know about the prince going around to find the foot that fits the glass slipper. The first sister (Rachel) tries shoving her foot in it, but it's to big. Josephine does the same thing, but when the guys go to the kitchen for a minute to get some water, the stepmother gives the cake knife to Josephine so she can cut her two smaller toes off her foot so it will fit in the glass slipper-and she actually does it! And it's fucking gory! I was not expecting this at all when this happened! After that nonsense, we get to where the fairy godmother gives Cinderella one of the Spirit Halloween masks those guys were wearing in the beginning of the movie, it turns her into a nigh invincible killing machine and she slaughters her family members one by one. And Hogan, who is one of the guys who killed her father in the beginning. And Bennett, who is the other guy who killed her father in the beginning of the movie. I'm exhausted. I didn't think it was going to take this much out of me to write about Cinderella's Revenge, but this is it. Zits and zombies, if you're already invested heavily into these weird childhood slasher films, go right ahead with this one because you'll probably enjoy it. But if the very title just makes you laugh or worried, don't bother. Unless you want to watch Josephine slice her toes off to try and make her foot fit into the glass slipper. That shit was hilarious and threw me for a loop. Maybe there will be a Snow White horror movie next. Seven killer dwarves-sign me up.
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