Dude

I haven't had much time lately to watch much of anything or take any notes for a review for you zits and zombies, and I needed to break out of that. I needed something fresh to springboard off of, and my wife was telling me yesterday before I slumped my ass to work about this film on Netflix called Dude starring Lucy Hale. It sounded ridiculous, absurd, stupid and out of context for something that she would normally star in, and boy was my wife ever correct. There are so many horribly written scenes and bizarre dialogue choices that made me laugh for minutes on end because these lines are absolutely stupid and I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk like how these people in this film do. I personally think that Lucy Hale agreed to this script because Netflix was going to pay her a decent amount for the picture and maybe she thought it would be a good idea so she wouldn't be forever type-cast as Aria from her break-out show Pretty Little Liars. With all of that bullshit out of the way, is Dude even worth watching? The answer is a resounding hell no. Just no. One of the huge flaws with this film is that the focus keeps trying to force the audience to care about the character of Thomas (who is only in the movie for the first couple of minutes) and it just ends up being a massive story vehicle that goes absolutely nowhere. Dude is bogged down with so much extra side shit between what we are supposed to care about and what is happening with these four girls that the viewer has nothing to really pay attention to except the odd happenings on the screen.

What an opening. Lucy Hale and her friends rollin' dubs and rhyming something nasty.

   Get a haircut you fag.

How is "would you rather loose all of the hair on your body or be prostitute for a week" a valid question?!

I've honestly never met four chicks that did weed this much.

 There is a bathroom in this high school that has a rainbow question mark on it. Jesus Christ.

Are females this dirty? For Real?!

Thomas didn't show us any of this shit because he was only in the movie for the first two minutes!

Holy shit Noah, that was a horrible attempt at asking Lily to the prom.

Why does anyone need to attach a garbage bag to a vaporizer??

Lucy Hale said Leroy Jenkins! HAhahhahhahahhahhaaaahhahha!!!!! 

Zits and zombies, I've basically already said what I'm going to say about Dude. The only really redeeming thing I can muster is just that Lucy Hale is hot like she always is. Her acting is straight up garbage in this picture, and most of her scenes are overdone which adds to the awkward feel and just downright strange tonal shifts that this movie decides to hop all over the place with. The scene that made me actually cover my face and laugh harder than I have in quite awhile is this-I'm not kidding you-there is a scene where Lily is giving head to Noah and she puts her hands in the air with his dick in her mouth and proclaims "look mom, no hands!" Seriously. That happens in this movie. Please, if you are a fan of Pretty Little Liars or Lucy Hale at all, don't watch Dude. It's atrocious in almost every way a film could be and it will tarnish your fandom towards anything good that she has done recently. Dear sweet Jesus Christ.      

Watchers Reborn (VHS)

The very first time I had ever even heard of Dean Koontz was way back in my junior year of high school. I was setup to take a class for extra graduation credits where you literally just read books the entire period, and every once in a while the proctor of this course would give some kind of assignment or project to do as homework for whatever the hell you were reading. I've always been into reading in general (I'm kind of off and on with it nowadays) but the very first book I read by Koontz was Dragon Tears. I fucking loved it, and for my final project for that class I did an entire presentation on Koontz himself and a book report on Dragon Tears. I'm pretty sure that if i remember correctly I received a B or something like that and I was pretty happy about it. Unfortunately, one of his novels that I have never read is Watchers. I never even knew that there was a Watchers series of films until a week ago when I stumbled upon the VHS of Watchers Reborn at a Goodwill that my wife and I went to just to look around. After looking around online I found out that this is the 4th movie in the franchise, and I still wanted to watch it anyway because Mark Hamill. That's right-the man that played Luke Skywalker, the protagonist in Wing Commander III and the voice of The Joker in Batman The Animated Series plays a cop in this movie and damn does he phone this shit in. His acting is just so bland and flat that you could tell in his face that he's thinking "I'm getting paid, I'm getting paid" and that really just brings this film down even further. 

Sexy saxophone intro.

Einstein is one smart dog.

If you're watching to much Sports Center and not enough Discovery Channel, I think it's time to change that.

Hot blondes are always in control.

 Get "The Outsider" a beef jerky link-he's destroying the lab!

Mark Hamill is a damn legend.

Cops and Feds beating the shit out of each other. I love it.

There's plenty of room for the Silver Bullet.

The point of pushing all of the oranges off the truck is... 

There are many elements that made me really want to like Watchers Reborn, but I just couldn't. Mostly from Mark Hamill not giving a shit, it left me kind of sad and empty at the end just wanting to read the Watchers novel more than anything. There are really great special effects, "The Outsider" looked decent enough and the plot was kind of interesting even though I didn't really know what the hell was going on most of the time. That's probably due to the fact that this is the 4th entry and it just opens up as if you've seen the first three. Zits and zombies, if you have any interest in this at all, I would probably just say read the Koontz novel or watch the first three films first before you even decide if this is even for you. Mr. Hamill was just doing his job to get paid and I'm just writing this so you can have another franchise to work through. Hotchka.   

Cherry Bomb

At the very raw and crudely humorous heart of Cherry Bomb is a very self-conscious, non confident personality in our main man Ben. He's thirty years of age and has never even kissed a female, let alone banged one. So now that the main focus is out of the way, all of the other things that populate the run-time of Cherry Bomb is simply a dick in a pizza, a blow up doll (that Ben violates profusely) a cute barista in a coffee shop, an assclown that I was glad was in a wheelchair and his parents and two closest friends locked in the crappiest apartment I've ever seen with a bomb that will detonate unless Ben has sex with a woman in 24 hours. The plot and idea behind this film is pretty stupid in all honesty, but it's all of the situations and people that Ben has to interact with during the 24 hours that actually makes this movie more comical than it should be. Without the over the top humor and modern self-ish asshole stance that his parents and two buddies have that move this piece along rather smoothly, this would have been a fucking painful nightmare to get through. I wasn't expecting much when I sat down to take notes on this zits and zombies, and I was thoroughly surprised at how many things that happened that actually made me laugh out loud to myself.  

Wow, this apartment is very...underwhelming.

Bringing down the property value? It doesn't look like it's worth much in the first place.

Carrot dick?! That's just hilarious!

This is a bottom, bottom, bottom of the barrel rip-off of Saw.

Why does this masked prick care if Ben is a virgin or not? Is it really necessary to blow up his family because of it??

Blown Part 2 was not what I was expecting.

   Hahahahhahhhahaaaaahhahhahahha!!!!! Ben has a Fred Durst tattoo!

 At least GoPro's are waterproof.

Ben, you don't need the pizza. This blonde is already hot. Just bone her.

Sexy chubby girls.

Damn, that fat dude can run!

 The humor and comedy contained in Cherry Bomb really is crude but great. The range is probably between any college humor flick you've ever seen towards the left and more Troma type of material towards the right of the scale and basically anywhere in between. Even though I did laugh quite frequently with how insane and ridiculous some of the situations played out that Ben puts himself through, this film is far from perfect and honestly once you've seen it once you'll probably never revisit it. The acting is so dry and wooden that It could easily be burned in my fireplace during winter. There are some funny underlying commentaries about feminism, sexism, our current government as well dwelling in some of the jokes so there is a little meat to chew on while viewing this. For the most part though, Cherry Bomb just has to be corraled into my horror/cult purgatory because I feel one watch is more than enough. I also found out that Tupperware parties aren't really Tupperware parties-they are swingers parties. Yeah. Apparently on Craig's List.     

Eyes Front

Before I even start rambling on about how much I wanted to end my life after this film was over or where I found a copy of it on dvd, just look at the cover art for a minute. Go ahead. Absorb it. Ponder it. Try to contemplate it. I'll give you some time. There's no rush. (...57...58...59...60) Okay, now do you feel like you would want to watch this after gazing at this insanely boring and generic cover for Eyes Front? Actually, here's the truth-the dvd case is more engrossing than the film itself. I have been a huge fanatic for psychology and serial killer studies for a number of years now, and this film has to be one of the shittiest attempts at making a movie about just that subject. I couldn't make heads or tails about what the actual fuck was happening on the screen coupled with the fact that it was trying desperately to have two different killer stories run parallel at the same time. Gave me a migraine headache. Eyes Front was a dvd I found at the Gordyville flea market in Champaign a couple of years ago for a dollar and now that I finally sat through this sad excuse of a picture, I'm going to go drink a bottle of Simple Green. Not because I'm thirsty, but because getting my stomach pumped in the E.R. at 11:45pm has to be more fun.

Everyone will supposedly be judged. Put down the bible.

I hope this isn't some shitty Christian serial killer flick.

Ah. Back before stupid smartphones took over everything. It's cool to see a payphone.

Whether God is real or not, there are still heinous crimes punishable by law.

Ok, ok. Instead of the horrendous shaky cam while these guys get killed, how about we as an audience oh, I don't know-actually fucking see it??

I still don't understand the point of having freewill if it's a sin to act upon it.

Weight lifting. Talking on the phone. Hawaiian shirts. Slightly off ambient music. All such a waste.

Sickies always take pictures of their own work.

Alright dude-put the phone down. Please. Put the damn phone down.

 By the time the final act had begun in Eyes Front, I was already pulling what little hair I have growing forth from my head out in complete boredom and frustration by the simple fact that this title is a complete mess. I barely could comprehend anything that was happening plot-wise and all of the Jesus talk didn't help matters either. Besides that, the cinematography contains so many obtrusive angles and poor framing choices that I think a blind picture frame maker could have filmed this better without even being able to see what the hell they were doing. The icing on this cow-pie cake is the shaky cam. Dear sweet Moses, the shaky cam. About 75% of this film looks like it was shot while the camera crew rode the Tilt-A-Whirl at full speed in one of those traveling fair/carnival type things that graces everyones' little town once a year during the summer months. I really wanted to be a fan of Eyes Front because of my fascination with serial killers and psychology, but unfortunately it's absolutely impossible. This film is riddled with every movie flaw that pretty much exists and that just makes me very sad and willing to jump into Lake Michigan head first. Swimming was never a strong suit of mine.