The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

Right upfront, I did not grow up with really anything to do with The Garbage Pail Kids. I do remember there being a film and a cartoon when I was a kid, but my focus was usually He-Man, Batman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Thundercats and many other various shows that I was glued to at that time. This brand eluded me for many, many years until I rediscovered them while working at DSC in Champaign. Of course my friend Steven had the GPK hardcover book that had come out around that time and it was basically a history of the kids, the entire collection of the original print run of the Topps trading cars in photograph form, and some bonus collectible stickers for your enjoyment. He let me look through the book for awhile and I was amused and fascinated by the idea of a gross-out version of the Cabbage Patch Kids, which would of course appeal more towards boys than girls. I eventually discovered that there was a full length-live action GPK movie, and with my interest already piqued from looking through the book and learning about the various ridiculous characters that were brought to life on the trading cards, getting a copy on dvd and watching the film was a goal that I felt like I had to accomplish. It really wasn't to difficult as I found out very quickly that a lot of people absolutely hate this damn movie, and it's pretty understandable why even though I enjoy it because it's a fucking mess. The plot really doesn't feel like it should have anything to do with the kids at all (they are gods at fashion design?? What the...) and there's a duality issue where half the movies focus' on that, and the other half leans towards the bullshit that Dodger has to deal with to try to get between Tangerine's legs. It all comes down to Dodger punching Juice in the face a bunch of times, the fashion show gets absolutely ruined and the Garbage Pail Kids have to get back in the, well, garbage pail.

How could I forget the Topps trading card intro.

 Man I miss slime in a can.

That bully chick is Thicc.

"What's wrong kid? You smell like a fire hydrant!"

You've never heard of Pandora? It's a great music service.

A girl like Tangerine doesn't give a shit about buttons.

Seriously? This dude's name is "Juice"? Okay then.

Damn, the Garbage Pail Kids are fucking ugly.

 Why are they all watching Dodger take a bath?

It's Juicy Juice and the gang!

The last thing this movie needed was a musical number. Sweet Jesus.

Yeah. Going pee-pee on yourself is hilarious.

I personally don't know how you could possibly be intimidated by a jackass named Juice, but whatever. Tangerine is a dumb name as well, but I guess they were just trying to throw pointless names in there for the other characters to fit along with the likes of Greaser Greg and Foul Phil. In all honesty zits and zombies, even if you have been a massive fan of the GPK trading cards all they way back since they were first printed in the 80's, this film on any entertainment or enjoyment level is absolutely horrendous and I really don't recommend anyone watch this. I personally am fond of it because it's an absurd slice of cinema that I can inhale without any extra fumes, and also because I have been lower than this on the quality scale and lived to write about it. But for the average undead looking for something new in the cult or gross-out section of the spectrum, all I can expunge is just to stay away. You won't make it back to talk about it. Even with all of the pissing, farting, sneezing, boogers and snot, it's not worth it to get a bone-daddy from Tangerine or Juice's other girl Blythe. It's also not worth it to see Valerie Vomit to do her thing only once towards the end. You're better off staying in your own garbage pail instead.   

Scream Park

There is a great deal of indie horror flicks out there, and to be able to stand out and be noticed takes some serious effort on the crew's part. Having some star power imbued into what could be a solid offering into the horror community lends itself to that of lowered expectations to be heightened in lieu of quality. This isn't 100% the case with Scream Park, whereas Doug Bradley makes a very minimal appearance as the owner of an amusement park that's on the verge of tanking financially and stirs up the notion of killing innocent people as a show to make money for the park to keep it open. That whole scene has got to be a few minutes at most, and the rest of the run time is the usual fear tropes of people causing a ruckus, having sex, drinking, listening to metal (there's a dude with a battle vest that has a boom box that spits out the heavy shit) and Bradley's boys that have burlap sacks on their heads killing off the last of the workers there one by one. In my honest, blood soaked opinion, Doug should have just made another Hellraiser flick instead of this because that's what the man was born for. Not to heighten an otherwise okay indie slasher flick from 2014. Like I said, I know that his good graces were mainly used to appeal to hardcore horror/cult/Bradley fans, but he really should have been in it more than just to push the plot along. Overall though, is Scream Park worth a sit down? Actually, yes. There is enough solid antics and kills to fill the run time and isn't bogged down with to much bullshit in between and is a pretty good experience. The rides however, aren't Busch Gardens quality. I'm just letting you know.

Wood roller coasters are much better.

   Now I just want to go to Six Flags.

For a 200lb. jock, this loser throws like his girlfriend.

  I'm surprised this van doesn't say "free candy" on the side of it.

Of course Fright Land is closing.

Come on Henry-you don't need to take your job that seriously.

Blake is probably dead already.

   Carlee has some amazing.... ahem.... nevermind.

 Drinking and hanging out is always complete with some blackened thrash.

Into the deep fryer.

Come ride the little dipper! See the jock duct taped to the front of a car! His blood and intestines will be spilled everywhere!

With the two killers being as generic as they come (complete with burlap sacks on their heads and all) Doug Bradley making the most minimal appearance possible for basically marketing sake and some heavily mediocre and underdeveloped characters, Scream Park is still a pretty good time. The cinematography is more than competent (even with a few spots being blech) the plot is somewhat original and the kills and the boobies really being the top shelf of it all. That doesn't add up to being the fear flick of the year or anything, but entertainment for 96 minutes here is what you get and that's really all you could ask for. Now if Doug was able to be Pinhead in this film instead of some random guy that owned an amusement park that was on the verge of going under-that would have been a whole different story. Come one, come all to the Scream Park... where everything is just middle of the line. Except the turmoil and the tits. 

Top five worst of the year + runners up (2018)

My sincerest apologies and thank you's go to everyone of you zits and zombies. I had a pretty rough year last year in 2018 with my job schedule and my depression creeping up on me more often than usual-and surprisingly, I also didn't drink as much. That is a positive thing, but I also didn't feel like I watched or reviewed as much as I would have liked either. There was just a lot of financial and home/vehicle repair issues that all materialized back to back to back after my wife and I had our roof redone at the beginning of July. I was left with no choice but to pretty much kill myself at work and spend a lot of money to get things done along with struggling to get gifts for Christmas and whatever else towards the end of last year. I'm just glad all of that bullshit is over with and I finally feel like I can get back to what I do best-watching weirdo horror and cult films and reviewing them.

I can never have enough. And I know you can't either.

Even though it is extremely late, my personal list for the absolute shittiest pictures I endured last year is what I am going to try to wade through here because it's become part of my annual tear down of garbage cinema that you need to stay away from at all costs (unless you like being on the virtual edge of mental suicide-and in that case, which, be my guest) for mainly the reason of trying to keep your sanity intact to move on to something worth spending time on. Although, there are a lot of films that I consider to be a fun time that are terrible as well. So it's all in taste and endurance. Or lack there of. Let's get to this fucking list and get 2019 started already. Enough with the chit chat.

#5. Demons at the Door

  I still never thought I would ever have to mention ICP on my blog, but unfortunately they did the soundtrack for Demons at the Door. And that's only the beginning. Everything in this film is lame, there's a horrendous layer of Biblical non-sense lathered into the plot that makes things even worse and there are just to many damn bodybuilder/Arnold wannabe's contained herein for it's own good. The ADR is fucking abysmal through the entire thing and the finale is one helluva sight to behold. I can't describe it. If you want an experience that you'll never forget, then here's a demon you can let through your door. Just don't come crying to me if you do.

 #4. The Sand (Blood Sand)

 I really dig it when friends and family suggest movies for me to watch or review, and a very good friend of mine suggested that I partake in this thing called The Sand (Blood Sand). She even warned me ahead of time that it fucking sucked. And she was absolutely correct. There was nothing about this flick that even remotely resonated with me on any level except maybe digging up old memories of playing that lava game in Jewel or Dominick's when my brothers and I were little. There's a fat guy stuck in a garbage can the entire time and all he does is bitch about how he can't get out-and then he eventually gets eaten by the sand like everyone else. Even Jamie Kennedy is a damn waste as he plays a beach patrolman for about two minutes and then he gets eaten by the sand. A complete failure on every fucking level. It's going to be a long time before I go back to the beach.

#3. Dude

 Sheer disappointment on Lucy Hale's part from me personally kills what's left of my spirit. I still think to this day she agreed to this piece of shit-tastic non-sense because she didn't want to be forever type-cast as Aria from Pretty Little Liars. And while I can't blame her, this film is just so goddamn over the top with all of the weed, partying, her character losing her shit because her sister or friend (it doesn't matter) wanting to go to a different college than her. There's also a vaporizer with a garbage bag attached to it for no good reason, a character named Thomas that's only in the first two minutes before dying that you're supposed to care about-and the infamous blowjob scene with Lucy Hale putting her hands in the air proclaiming "look mom, no hands!" as she's going down on Noah. Dear sweet Christ.

   #2. Camp Blood 4

Here we go. Now were starting to dig deep into this pile of shit. This was one of the first movies from 2018 that I threw down on my worst of the year list because I don't even know how this heap was even put together, let alone be the third sequel in a franchise. My God. About 85% of this "film" consists of random chicks combing their hair, brushing their teeth, doing their make-up... and then going shopping. That's literally it. In between all of that there is a douche-nozzle in the worst clown costume I've ever seen killing people in a forest and even though in the opening credits it stated that Shawn C. Phillips (coolduder on Youtube) is in it-I never once saw him anywhere. So if you have a fetish for being lied to and watching chicks getting ready to go out, then go for it. I'd still rather masturbate with hot bacon grease than even remember that this even existed. 

#1. Eyes Front

The biggest cow-pie award for 2018 goes to the absolute shittiest serial killer flick ever to grace the scan lines of my Sony Trinitron... Eyes Front. A copy of this abomination ended up in my personal collection from the Gordyville flea market for a solid dollar because I have an interest in serial killers and psychology. What I ended up with was a dvd containing 71 minutes of people getting killed in a blurred mess of cinematography that could have only been filmed with an SD camera on a Tilt-A-Whirl. There is nothing positive to say about Eyes Front besides the fact that I never have to sit through it ever again as long as I live. I still think swimming in Lake Michigan is a better choice. Time to grow some fins.

Runners Up

#1. Watchers Reborn (VHS)

  

Dean Koontz being one of my favorite authors doesn't help anything-especially since I found out that Watchers Reborn is actually part of a franchise of films that is based on a novel of his simply called Watchers. And this is the fourth film into it, so I don't know If I didn't like it because I didn't know what was going on or because Mark Hamill phoned in his performance in this flick, but I really wanted to be on board with this more than I ended up being. Maybe I need to watch the first three and do a re-visit. 

#2. Dean Koontz's Black River

Another Koontz film that I sat through, Black River is based on a novella of his by the same name. I basically had the same feelings with this as I did with Watchers Reborn-I really wanted to fucking like this, but I just couldn't. It was just so bland and empty and it basically was just the mayor of a town wanting to keep people there for his own personal control and the ghost of his dead brother calls him on the phone to tell him who has to stay in the town, who gets married, who has kids, what jobs they have... everything. It's actually really damn strange when you think about it, but pretty much everything in Black River just doesn't work and the pacing and acting suffer for it. It's a shame because it could have been a weird, awesome little movie, but unfortunately, it isn't. 

#3. Night of the Dribbler

 Oh boy. I seriously considered making a sixth spot on my top five for Night of the Dribbler, but there were much, much worse to be had during the year. Absolutely nothing works in favor of this moldy ham and cheese wrap that you could have eaten for your lunch break-but you were smart and threw it away instead. The mask on the dvd cover is real and the killer in the movie actually wears it as he stabs people in the high school gym in between some of the most bottom of the barrel commentary from the basketball game announcer on-sided with terribly teenage acting and over the top antics that made this piece truly unbearable.

#4. Rest Stop

 

     The biggest issue with Rest Stop is that it's plot hole central. The pacing is off and everything feels pretty unbalanced throughout giving me little reason to even attempt sitting through the sequel. It probably answers a lot of questions the initial entry provides, but I just wasn't engaged enough to even care. The gore works and there is some decent tension (especially when Nicole stumbles upon the trailer with the white-trash family housed inside) but it wasn't enough to be spectacular or memorable. I still know next to nothing about the killer in the yellow truck either. And you see two seconds of this guy killing people in some room or basement and the film never developed it enough for me to latch on to. What a shame.