It's Alive

The very first film in the It's Alive trilogy that I watched was It's Alive III: Island Of The Alive back when I found a copy of it on VHS at Unique. To bad that thrift store closed a while ago-there were some great tapes in there to be had, and of course I never got around to acquiring them. Even though my personal favorite is the third entry, it had to begin somewhere and the 1974 original was played as a serious take on the public trust of doctors and hospitals who administer drugs and the like while patients are there. The new Davis baby ends up being born a mutant of some kind as a result of being exposed to an experimental drug that the mother was given whilst pregnant. Overall, she was basically being used as a guinea pig (what a shock) to try some new drugs that a pharm company needed tests done on, and their child was born aggressive, hungry and scared not knowing what to do except to kill to eat. Larry Cohen did an excellent job in this film keeping that actual baby out of frame to often because it's a total classic case of "being more frightened of what you don't see" that works to great effect and keeps the viewer on edge to get a glimpse of the baby. I'm not going to sit here and tell you zits and zombies that It's Alive is a masterpiece-but it is a 70's horror classic that is still very watchable even today. Especially in regard towards doctors and hospitals over-medicating and taking advantage of their patients. That shit needs to stop. 

This isn't the opposite to the opening of Look Who's Talking, is it?

Frank, I think I have to poop.

My bedroom would be a sneeze-storm if that cat was sleeping with me.

Who cares if she's Irish or Scottish, just go watch your kid be born already!

Dude, who stirs their coffee with a damn pencil!?

10-11 lbs. Crap, that's a big baby!

I can't even be upset. This baby did what I've always wanted to do in a hospital. I've said to much already.

It's the mainstream media. You shouldn't be to surprised.

No one should like taking shots. Good for you.

How does this baby see anything? It has double vision like it's drunk or something.

The original It's Alive isn't prefect by any means. It has it's own flaws for sure such as some of the editing in spots being jumpy, the acting can be dry and off center at times and Lenore Davis acts really bizarre in a couple of scenes. I suppose that's supposed to be her character coping with what's going on, but it just felt unnatural and really strange even in the context of what was happening. Those small nitpicks aside, though, It's Alive in and behind it's message is still just as relevant now as it was in the 70's-it's just the whole drug/hospital/people putting all of their faith in doctors epidemic has become way out of control. I believe it's pretty much at the point now where no one can stop it. Zits and zombies, please don't be duped by a medicine man. No one needs a child that craves flesh. No one.        

Demons At The Door

Another piece of my horror beginnings from Champaign, Demons At The Door was a dvd that I had planned on buying because it was less then five bucks and I had found it at Meijer's. I did not buy it, however because I informed my fellow trash collector Steven Cisna about it and he scooped up a copy fairly quickly for his collection. That weekend when he came over with a bunch of random movies for us to slime through, the dvd of this beast was one of them. The cover really said something to me that almost made me vomit, well, in part because some of the music in this film was arranged by none other than the two dumbest fucks to ever be born-ICP. Yeah, you read that right zits and zombies... this movie contains music "composed" by a fat asshole and a skinny douchebag that wear clown make-up and rap about "Magnets, how do they work?" I can't believe that I actually had to include this shit in one of my reviews on here, but there it is. Moving on from that filth-how's Demons At The Door? Technically, it's one helluva mess. I could have done most of the CGI myself on my PC and it would have looked more realistic, the dialogue is laughable, the ADR is atrocious and there are way to many beefcakes and not enough females. Oh, and the main guy in this movie looks like a hilariously mutated version of David Hasselhoff and Arnold. Yeah.   

The intro makes me want to play Guardian War on the 3DO.

 I wish I could find a dragon-shout in real life.

HAhahhahhahhhaaaa!! The main hero is like a mix of Arnold and David Hasselhoff!

I'm pretty sure that a round from an AK is bigger than a BB!

The Lord Humongous is in this movie?!

Bible mumbo jumbo. I'll deal with it for the plot.

"Here's thirty five cents. Call Ripley and see if he believes this shit."

Why does there have to be music by ICP in here?

This demon looks like it's full of that neon green stuff from the inside of those Ninja Turtle dessert pies.

Damn, the septic tank backed up again.

Yay-more reasons religion is dumb.

Demons At The Door is something I really wanted to like the first time I watched it in Champaign with Steven, and I wanted to like it the second time for this review. But, alas I just can't. The ending is absolutely bat-shit and just makes me wonder where the writers and director wanted to go with this film because it's legendarily off the wall to the point where I really thought I had huffed a can of paint before I pulled this up on Amazon Video. I remembered it being insane the initial time I watched it, but it's even more-so the second time around. Zits and zombies, the angel Uriel needs your help to save the world from Satan... and the best way we can do that is to not watch this movie. Thank you.

Drive-In Splatterhouse

I absolutely had the lowest of low expectations when I sat down to take notes for Drive-In Splatterhouse after I came home from work earlier this morning because this looks like a fucking turd. But, on the contrary, I was balls-out entertained by this modern grindhouse offering and it really took me by surprise. The acting is truly awful, but in this case for some reason it adds to the charm of how bottom of the barrel this picture is and it all was to perfect for the tone and feel that you overall experience with it. There is plenty of exploitation to absorb here what with tons of lesbianism, female nudity, gun-play, really REALLY bad special effects and two of the worst, most generic anthology stories that could have possibly been shoved into this 64 minute run-time. I hate to admit it to you zits and zombies, but Drive-In Splatterhouse pretty much immediately became a guilty pleasure film for me as I was jotting notes down and I would gladly sit through it again just to soak in all of those hot female bodies and terrible thespian work. My favorite bit was at the beginning with the fake trailer for a movie called "Easter" where a giant bunny rabbit shows up in a low-rider and just starts blasting everyone with a murdered out AK. That's when you know shits going to be good. 

Oh shit-some low budget, grindhouse fare!

This trailer for "Easter" is on point!

Jesus, there are some killer babes in this film.

I would complain about the padding, but when the padding is a lesbian couple making out, there's nothing to complain about.

Do cops give up that easily?

Hell yeah, Teagan has some serious firepower! I hope the libtards don't see this movie!

 These henchmen fucking suck.

This montage of this hot blonde jogging and beating up a punching bag is, well... kind of pointless.

(Jaw drops open) Who....knew....watering...flowers could....be....so...hot..........

This isn't when Peter Steele was arrested, was it?

 Yeah, get down-make love. Right now.

As I've already said zits and zombies, Drive-In Splatterhouse is a modern grindhouse flick that is more delightful than I expected. The only real thing that should have been more involved or had a little more money and time put towards it should have been the pretty much non-existent special effects and gore. Other than that though, this is garbage entertainment almost at it's best, it just needs a little bit of a harder kick to the groin and it would most certainly be accepted into the dried out and dying open arms of the horror/cult community. If you're in the mood for exploitation that leans more towards female nudity and lesbianism versus guns and gore, then this is what you're looking for. Just watch out for that rabbit. Elmer Fudd is going to need more than a sawed-off.  

Analog Chaos has launched!

Zits and zombies! I have been wanting to get this together for a long time now and I've finally finished my first Analog Chaos episode on Youtube! Check it out! Just go to the link I have below or go to the Cinema Slayer Youtube page to give it a watch! In the pilot episode I rattle around the cheesy action flick Fast Gun from 1993-Hotchka!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edHgee-LGX0