The Greenskeeper

 

Oh boy, this one's par for the corpse. I wish the actual contents of The Greenskeeper was as cool as the cover art, but once again this is just another film that became a victim of great poster art and great marketing to push a lame, boring-boring-boring-fucking boring movie to slasher fans and horror comedy fans. It fails miserably in both categories and the setup really enticed me because it looked and sounded like it may have been a cheap alternative to the seminal slasher classic known as The Burning. That flick kicks all kinds of ass and has some of the goriest and most violent kills I think I've ever seen in an 80's slasher-and unfortunately The Greenskeeper falls way short of that prestige. This was a slasher that I wanted to be good and I wanted it to have gorgeous chicks with their boobs exposed (there was one scene where the only attractive chick in here does just that-every other female is between a six and a seven) and I wanted there to be awesome kills, funny jokes, cool characters and a great back plot to fill in the gaps where they needed to be filled in at. But, none of that took place. I will state though that the kill at the end where Allen's "dad" (it's in quotes because he's not really his dad as you find out) actually kills his real dad by shoving a freaking sprinkler head into his chest and after he falls over as his heart keeps beating, the sprinkler starts going off by spurting his blood everywhere as if it was water watering the grass on the golf course. Clever, kind of funny and a pretty cool kill that was actually done well considering how shit the rest of this snooze-fest ended up being. I was so damn disappointed by The Greenskeeper that I honestly didn't really even pay attention to half the film while it was playing because 90% of this flick felt like I was watching some garbage late 90's/early 2000's low budget sex comedy with no comedy and barely any sex. None of it worked and now it's just another stink fest that I have to toss onto my list for worst of the year. Oh yeah, another kill that I want to point out is there is one scene where one of our resident retards does get nekkid with one of the girls here in the middle of the night while they are riding around in a golf cart, and as they are getting to work, they're interrupted by The Greenskeeper version of Cropsey, and he shoves the guys' dick in one of the ball cleaners out on one of the courses and keeps pushing it up and down, up and down, up and down and up and down. It feels like he does it waaaaayyyy to many times and I actually said out loud "okay, that's enough-I think this dude's dick is squeaky clean now!" pretty loudly at the screen. I really, really want to write more about The Greenskeeper, but there honestly isn't much else to write about. If I ever do a video about this flick on my Youtube channel, I don't think it would be every long because it's so fucking boring, empty and uneventful that I just don't want any of you zits and zombies to have to endure it. It's not worth your time and it sure as hell wasn't worth mine. Hell, I started reading Ghost Rider by Neil Peart a few days ago and I could have spent my morning ploughing through more of his 10,000 mile motorcycle ride for self healing and preservation than having to contract a mental version of walking pneumonia through The Greenskeeper. Whatever man-it's on the worst of the year list now. I'm not turning back. Stab me with a sprinkler head-I'm done.