Christmas Craft Fair Massacre

 

I don't even know where to begin with Christmas Craft Fair Massacre. This is one of those rare times on here where I'm actually at a loss for words because for the most part in this "film" there's really nothing for me to even talk about. I think for this review, I'm just going to straight up put on here exactly what I wrote in my phone for my notes and I'll let you decide if you want to bludgeon yourself with the 71 minutes that this thing burns through.

Note 1: The acting and dialog is so petrified and stiff that there's no way in hell or in real life that that anyone actually acts like this.

Note 2: The cinematography and editing style reminds me of Bikini Girls Vs. Dinosaurs.

Note 3: This film is just sheer pain all around and feels like it's giving me kidney stones the longer it drags on.

Note 4: Everyone in here is so on the nose about 'being evil' to the point where it literally feels like all the actors are in a children's play for an elementary school about people being evil.

Note 5: I also have to point out as a former metal musician and as a music nerd in general that you don't play punk rock with a Jackson guitar at all... you just don't.

Note 6: 90% of this flick is comprised of everyone on their cell phones talking to each other about how Mortimer Shade is evil and he's the new principal at Central High School, where the Christmas craft fair is going to be held at.

That's it. That's exactly everything that I put in my phone as notes to write something on here about Christmas Craft Fair Massacre. And I think the funniest thing about this entire piece is not the fact that it actually exists and not the fact that people actually tried their best and failed miserably-no, it's neither of those. I've seen horrendous horror films many times over the years because of my work here on Cinema Slayer-and yes, this film is a shit stain that needs to be soaked and washed-but that's also not even it. If I do end up watching enough movies this year to make a worst of the year list for 2026, this will absolutely be on there. But that's not even it either. This is the most hilarious part of this whole offering... the way it ends. I don't care about 'spoiling' how this abomination ends because most of you will tap out before you make it there (hell, I almost did) but what happens is Mortimer Shade finally captures his woman which is purest of heart for his sacrifice to awaken Satan, has her chained up on a table in the basement of Central High School as the craft fair is commencing, the girls' boyfriend finds her and kills old Morty, all of the evil people's heads blow up in their own little mushroom clouds, then the entire school goes up in one as they escape. And no one-and I really mean no one-seems to care. Nobody even remotely standing in the proximity of the school gives two shits that the whole thing just went up in one of the cheapest and most glorious mushroom clouds that I think I've ever seen. But that's how the inside of my head looked as this movie came to a close. The school was nuked, my soul was nuked, my mind was nuked and my eyes were nuked behind the lenses of my scratched and worn pair of glasses. Did I have a good time with Christmas Craft Fair Massacre? Fuck no I didn't. And at the top of my worst list so far it will stay.