I can't believe that my second year writing on Cinema Slayer is coming to a close. Once again, I have discovered some really great horror flicks to wet my palette over this past year, but I have also dug up some turds that curl my nose hair worse than the shitty organic peroxide at my new (horrible) place of employment. I need to get out of there.
As soon as possible.
You know what time it is, zits and zombies. It's time to point at, laugh, make fun of and downright publicly annihilate the worst of the worst that I ran across this year in a last ditch effort to make you horror freaks stay away from these dino-shits as much as possible.
Here we go.
#5. Dr. Hackenstein
I'm going to be honest here-I think that Dr. Hackenstein is one of the most boring offerings that Troma has ever bothered to put into print. And that's putting it lightly. This is basically their version of Frakenstein, but nothing ever really happens. It just kind of plods along, the doctor is experimenting with bringing the dead back to life, plods along, some old lady gets annoying really quickly, plods along, and then it's over. Ugh.
#4. The Victorville Massacre
What can I say about The Victorville Massacre? Not a whole lot. It's one of the most mediocre indie horror flicks I've seen in quite some time, all of the characters are deplorable and you just have that craving for them to bite the bullet. You want them to get killed. And they do. Especially since the main guy in this film has a house party, a ton of hot chicks show up, but instead of getting some lovins', he decides to play Wii bowling in his living room by himself. What a pear shaped loser. Actually, he's kind of on the thin side, but you get where I'm going.
#3. Gut
This is one of those murder-mystery type fright flicks where the film wants you "to work to figure out who the killer is"-but the way the entire thing is pieced together just makes it to damn easy and obvious. There's no mystery here. I figured it out within the first ten minutes or so and once that happened it was just fucking boring. The kills were un-eventful, the plot was a real slow burn and I'm still on the fence about Gut as a whole. Just pass it up. Your better off churning butter by hand than sitting through this.
#2. Psycho Beach Party
This is where my hope for this year started to wane. This is the film that made me want to stick my head in one of my yard waste bins and set the leaves on fire with my face stuck in the middle of them. I really don't know where to begin with this jar of fermented piss, but everything about Psycho Beach Party made me want to run head first into the opposite lane on the highway. Everything about this movie is at the bottom-plot, acting, dialogue, camera work...it's just to much for one horror reviewer to handle. The icing on the cake, of course, has to be the fact that the detective is a guy dressed in drag. Why, oh why.
#1. Die Cheerleader Die
All I'm really going to say is that Die Cheerleader Die forced me to stop after 35 minutes. If that isn't any indication of the quality of what is contained herein, I really don't think I want or care to find out. This piece of goat shit is a travesty. There is no reason for it to exist, and I really feel sorry for everyone that was involved in making such a train wreck of a film. The acting is so stiff that I thought I had morning-wood while I was watching it, and the scene where one of the girls is giving her boyfriend head and he gets strangled while that is happening is where I had to draw the line. How the hell do you not notice something like that? And why did I even attempt to watch this? I just hold my head in failure.
Runners Up
Para Elisa
I didn't like Para Elisa mainly because I thought there were some scenes that felt just downright lazy and the director decided to copy off of one of the best scenes out of one of my favorite Stephen King movies, Misery. There's a scene where the main girl gets her legs broken by a sledgehammer so she can't escape. Sound familiar? Thought so.
The Nightmare
Let's get this out of the way. I really love documentaries, but The Nightmare is just stupid. I know that these people believe what happened to them actually happened, but c'mon... are you really going to remember that far back when you were in a crib and some aliens made out of static walked up to you out of nowhere and abducted you? Get real.
American Psycho 2
I'll admit it, the only reason I even bothered with this is because Mila Kunis is in it. Yeah. That's it. I didn't expect William Shatner to show up in this God-forsaken heap either. But here both of them are, totally ruining a sequel that was going to bomb either way whether they were in it or not. I can't, I just can't... if I'm going to watch something with Mila starring in it, I'll just stick with That 70's Show. Not gutter-lining like this. Puke. That's a funny word-you don't have to think about that.
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