Late Checkout

 

Late Checkout starts off running with a couple that consists of a very tattooed-up chick that looks like Kat Von D, and a very tattooed up dude that kind-of, sort-of looks likes Corey Taylor. They are in bed together having a good time. They rented this cabin in the middle of nowhere, North Carolina to celebrate what I'm assuming is an anniversary of some sort. But then, no-it's the tattooed girl's birthday because when tattooed Corey Slipknot Taylor is taking a shower, there's a bottle of bubbly and a card that says "happy birthday Kat" on it next to where Stone Sour Corey is getting cleaned up. Then they both end up being brutalized by an anonymous killer in jeans, a leather jacket, leather gloves and a welding helmet. There's even a red line painted under the glass viewer on the helmet letting us know if the 'welding killer' is happy or sad in the moment of murdering random people who end up renting this particular place to getaway. How thoughtful of the writers and director of Late Checkout. I would love to sit here and spout about how I did in fact enjoy Late Checkout-and in the grandiose layers of me I did-to an extent-but that sentiment didn't make it all the way. I'm kind of writing this review in reverse here by saying early that the whole reason for our main group of friends that get annihilated through the entirety of this picture have this done to them for no other reason than "it's fucking fun" is sort of callous, empty, shallow and selfish on the part of the family that is engaging in this activity. I'm not going to wholly expose who is behind all of this if you haven't sat through Late Checkout, but if you're deep into horror at all or are a big fan of slashers in general, you're going to recognize immediately who this actor is because they starred in a slasher from the 80's that's insanely iconic at this point if you're even remotely well-versed in you're slasher catalogue. But me enjoying this flick solely sat on the fact that I've seen so many of these types of films by now that I didn't even have to guess at what was happening or what was going to happen because this stuff is so milquetoast at this juncture that you'd have to turn your toaster oven on a higher setting to squeeze more heat and more flavor out of whatever meal you're prepared to consume. That doesn't mean that Late Checkout sucked. It didn't. It was solid. I had fun with it. But this isn't earth shattering or life changing cinema here-it's fun, gory, whack'em and stack'em fare that any slasher or 80's horror fan is going to adore, and that's where it's appeal lies. Also, I don't even know why, but for some bizzaro reason, I thought Drew Marvick was involved with this flick somehow. But he isn't. I thought he was the director or the writer or even the killer himself. But he wasn't. If you don't know who Drew Marvick is, he's the indie horror film director that made his debut with Pool Party Massacre which happens to be a favorite of mine in the indie realm of splatter flicks. If you've never seen that one, check that shit out. As for me having a late checkout with Late Checkout, I'm just going to leave you with the kernel that if you really dig 80's horror or slashers specifically, then this is a grave to rob. If you lean heavier towards other sub-genres of terror tides, then this flick may bore you. I have an aunt and uncle that live in North Carolina. I hope they've never met this family.    

     

The Cleaning Lady

 

I kind of-sort of remember seeing the trailer and other things being released back in 2020 when The Cleaning Lady first came out, and I don't think it resonated with me that much. It just stewed in the back of my brain for a brief period of time and then just fizzled away. Now, five years later on Tubi, I ran across the fact that it's streaming on the platform and I recalled the cover art and the title-but not much else. It's mainly because the title "The Cleaning Lady" is pretty generic and lethargy inducing at it's highest potential-and I really wasn't to excited about what this chunk of horror really could provide me with. Man, was I fucking wrong. These are the types of films that start pulling on your hair about halfway through, and before you know it you're fucking bald and penniless. I ended up really getting engrossed in what this piece had to offer because the psychology behind it is immense and intense all the same-you know right when this thing starts that something is going to come full circle. You can feel it in your blood that something is highly disturbing about some young woman that puts a bunch of rats in a blender in the opening scene, and pours the remains into a glass dinner bowl. The gums that hold your teeth in place will shake and shiver at the idea of what happened during Shelly's home life because her mother is a fucking greedy, selfish bitch. Your nails will collect more dirt than normal harboring the fact that Alice is a beautiful blonde woman that could have any man that she wanted-but she just had to have some loser that's already married and doesn't know how to let go. All of these things transmorph and coagulate into a story about how deranged a child can become with the wrong parent(s), the wrong time and the wrong situations they find themselves in. I can't stress enough how bad I ended up feeling for Shelly more than I did Alice because what she was involved in, she had brought on herself-whereas what happened to Shelly was because of her mother. I will never understand how empty and soulless you could possibly be to stoop to those levels of disgusting behavior, but unfortunately, we all know what she forces Shelly to do for money when she was a teenager actually happens in life. Christ. The first few moments of The Cleaning Lady showcase Shelly putting a bunch of rats in a blender so she can presumably (what I thought initially) have something to eat. Well, we'll get to it at some point-but the smoothied up rat guts aren't for herself. We then see Alice laying in bed with who it seems like her husband at first, but he's some other woman's husband because he's a cheatin' sonofabitch. Alice calls someone on her phone about fixing her tub because it's clogged. Out of nowhere, Shelly shows up and shows Alice that her tub was ringed up with a massive hairball and that's what was causing the blockage. The film starts grinding it's gears and moving with steam from that point on because they start to form a relationship where Alice is paying Shelly to clean her apartment and Shelly just wants some kind of human connection. Any kind. Shelly starts noticing "imperfections" that Alice garners such as smoking and being in an affair with a married man-and this triggers her and her past with her mother-whom she has chained up in a massive shipping container in the backyard of their house that used to be their home until her mother decided one day to start selling Shelly's body for cash. And you guessed it... that's who the rat guts are for. Karmic food for her mother. Oh, after Shelly's face gets burned by one of her "clients" because he threw a pot of boiling water on her after she bit his hand, she tells her mother that she hates her to her face and she runs to the kitchen to get these massive scissors to cut her tongue out. Yeah. You can see why Shelly became "the cleaning lady". I could really spoil more about what happens in The Cleaning Lady about Alice and Shelly, but I've done enough. There are so many layers to The Cleaning Lady as whole that I just recommend you zits and zombies to watch it. It will surprise the hell out of you. 

The Mean One

 

We all know the story of How The Grinch Stole Christmas and the Who's down in Whoville-but what about the horror parody version that was released back in 2022? I wasn't aware of this fact right away before I decided to dive into this one earlier this morning-but David Howard Thornton, who has played Art The Clown in all three of the Terrifier flicks-also plays a gory, nasty version of The Grinch here in The Mean One. I was mentally prepared to completely dismantle the shit out of this flick before I even decided that I wanted to sit through it's ninety two minute run time, but it genuinely surprised me in a lot more aspects than what I was expecting. For one, the cinematography is very clean, crisp and colorful. Specifically the reds, greens and whites that were employed in the color palette popped vigorously and gave the film an overall cheerier and more holiday infused tone-paralleled to all of the kills and gore-which somehow bore into the back of my mind as this thing trudged onward. It gave me a sense of Christmas and Hanukkah (I'll explain soon) that was completely needed here to make it to the end, even though I actually enjoyed all of the characters, their situations and how everything melded together towards the wrap-up that elevated The Mean One slightly higher than a purgatory picture. Just slightly though. This isn't going to end up being my new addition to my Christmas watch list with that already being populated with the likes of Christmas Evil, Christmas Vacation, Jingle All The Way and Krampus. Oh yeah, I can't forget to leave out Die Hard and Cobra. Those are Christmas flicks, and if you don't agree-get killed by The Grinch. The Mean One is a select flick that I might revisit every couple of holiday seasons if I'm in the mood for it, but it's not a new staple. Maybe a cult following would garner that tradition. But not me. So basically what happens here in The Mean One is that when it begins, Cindy Lou Who (yeah-they used the character names from the original cartoon) is probably about eight or nine years old and she sees Santa Clause by the tree and gives him a kiss on the cheek and some Santa necklace that she was wearing. Her mother barrels into the room screaming that Santa is a monster, she beats the hell out of him with what looks like a giant plastic candle decoration or Nutcracker of some sort, and then she ends up getting killed because Santa knocks her over and goes face first on something sharp on the floor. We get the same kind of sing-songy, rhyming kind of narration that is found in the original Grinch cartoon that transitions us twenty years later back to Newville (not Whoville) and Cindy is about in her later twenties or early thirties at this point. Her and her father decide that it's a good idea to come back to the house that her mother and his wife was killed in to rekindle some kind of Christmas spirit. The reason for this is never really explained, but it happens to just to move this thing along and to get back to where The Grinch murders random people for participating in anything that has to do with Christmas. Lights, decor, carols, presents-anything. We meet the Sheriff, Deputy and the Mayor that wants to get re-elected, and gets very annoying with pasting re-election stickers on random townsfolk's chests as they are eating at the diner or anywhere she happens to be at. We also realize very quickly that the Sheriff is a jackass and the Deputy is some Jewish dude that looks like he belongs in the Twilight movies. Towards the end, he tries to remember the words to some Christmas songs that would piss off The Grinch to get him to come out of his cave, but he instead starts singing a Hanukkah song about a dreidel-which still pisses off The Grinch and makes him come out of his cave anyway. Maybe he hates Hanukkah and Judaism too. He despises all religious celebrations equally. Huh-my kind of DEI. Really the best parts of The Mean One are seeing the actress that plays Cindy in the shower at one point, and the merciless killings of The Grinch through the entire affair-especially the one in the middle where he slaughters an entire group of drunken idiots at a bar and grill (who are all dressed up as Santa Clause or the female versions of) that's already closed. So they get served iced tea. And viscera. And their own body parts. The Mean One never reaches the heights of brutality the way that the Terrifier flicks do, but I didn't want it to. I wanted it to be a fun and funny horror version of How The Grinch Stole Christmas-and that's basically what I received. All nice and neat and cleanly wrapped in a gleaming, shiny Christmas package. Even though I only plan on opening it every few holiday seasons or so.