Lemon

My third and final rental from the library was Lemon, and truthfully a lemon this is not. I'm probably the only person on the entire planet that is going to make this comparison, but the entire time I was slamming down some notes to put this post together, I felt like I was watching a very dark, adult version of Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah. Even if you disagree with me there are plenty of similarities-except there is no Summer Wheatly or Pedro to fill in any comedic voids or relationship awkwardness. Lemon is filled to the brim with the latter, and there are all sorts of weird selfish acts and heated mental breakdowns from our protagonist Isaac including him flinging a strawberry cake that Michael Cera's character brings to his house for a nice dinner and conversation. Right in his face. Alex gets very upset and leaves a voice message on his answering machine blurting out things about "calling the cops" and "you need help" as well as calling Isaac a motherfucker-which I actually found to be pretty funny. The actual act of having the cake thrown in his face was pretty great as well. I found this cult indie flick to be on the artsy side while somehow still dipping it's toes into some pretty heavy dark comedic waters as you get to witness Isaac slowly sour into a socially inept, well... lemon. 

Everything is vintage.

This is totally me after work. Except for the self urination.

Michael Cera is the new Gene Wilder. We need a new Gene Wilder.

Jesus, 15 burritos? Pregnant women can eat.

Isaac is trying to tell you that it's not about you-it's about the audience. Make them feel it.

Such a complicated relationship. I am intrigued.

I think Isaac is about to break.

Gotta get your break somehow. Might as well be a commercial for Dignity Diapers.

Jealousy really makes things darker, doesn't it.

Holy shit man-kill the woman's spirit why don't you.

All families are dysfunctional, but this is pretty dark and over the top.

Pretty much right around the scene where Isaac loses it and throws that cake at Alex is when he just starts unraveling. You can tell he is completely lost and doesn't know what he is doing anymore, and even though that type of character is supposed to have some sympathy connected to them, it's almost impossible with Isaac. He basically tells his girlfriend of ten years that she is worthless and he fell in love with her because he felt sorry for himself instead of her (which is absolutely brutal on all accounts) thinking he could never find anyone besides her. He also still feels like a failure because his sister is pregnant with another child and his brother also has kids and his own business while he pretty much has nothing. Lemon is a very interesting and personal spiral that from what I got out of it was this-be happy with what you have. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Besides, you don't want to be socially sour do you? No. You want to be awkwardly sweet.

Better Watch Out

On my endless perennial quest to find great Christmas horror flicks, Better Watch Out has been a curiosity on my list since the end of last year. I randomly saw the dvd and blu-ray of this at Walmart while my wife and I were shopping for gifts, and the cover art caught my eye. Honestly, there really isn't anything special besides how colorful it is, but it just looked like a great Christmas horror flick. It's all about marketing people. I kept this film in the back corner of my mind up until last week when I was at the library. I rented this out along with Hell Night and another dark cult film titled Lemon. All three of these pictures are fantastic for their own reasons, and Better Watch Out has a twist that makes it as unique as it is insightful-a great combo that I wasn't expecting. Another fact that I absorbed while watching the "making of" documentary was that this is an Australian horror flick. All of the actors are straight up Aussie, and their performances while dropping their accents are flawlessly superb. I couldn't have asked for a more solid cast for an indie of this caliber, and it just added to the overall quality of the final product. Luke is fucking insane. Why are you friends with this guy? 

What a happy snowman. I knew it wouldn't last.

Pot-socks? Yes!

Why not bone the babysitter and get stoned?

Luke is so freaking neurotic.

It's a spider. It doesn't have to do anything wrong. It's a spider. Kill it.

I never had this much game when I was twelve.

Seriously-people still have land-line phones these days?

What a spacious attic.

Umm... slapping Ashley down the stairs was highly unnescessary.

Well, Luke's character has taken a fucking dark turn.

Every twelve year old is evil, but this is a whole other level.

"Luke needs therapy" is an understatement.

  If any of you zits or zombies are into home invasion fright flicks, Better Watch Out will quench your thirst. Except the twist about thirty minutes in or so makes it a little bit more original and different than what you would expect. That's what makes this such an amazing watch and the acting is very real and intense-all of the younger, main actors in this film are going places. They all have bright futures and I truly got sucked into the atmosphere and dark situation that proceeds because of that. Superb indies come only a few times a year (well maybe more than that, but for continuity sake) and Better Watch Out is a must own for holiday horror freaks and home invasion fans alike. Just don't go near Ashley. Luke will probably blow your damn head off.    

Hell Night (blu-ray)

I need to start going to the library more often. If the branch of the public library is going to start carrying such Scream Factory goodies as Hell Night on blu-ray, then they are just going to end up being another source of films for me to rent, consume and spit out readily for another horror fiend to come along. This was one that I kept seeing random ads for in various places online before it's release, and the very last place that I thought I would have found a copy was most definitely the library. Slopping down notes for this film while drinking beer and thinking about how I rented this for free was the pinnacle of my days off last week as Hell Night pulled itself up into my personal ranks of being qualified for occupying another empty space on my shelf where all of the rest of my blu-rays reside. Up until I watched this a week ago, really the only film I had ever viewed starring Linda Blair was the original Exorcist. I never paid much attention before, but in this picture she is hot. And I mean sexy hot. Looks aside though, Linda has always been able to act her ass off and is a great lead female in this film, and I do now consider this to be an 80's horror classic. I can't believe that I had never seen or even heard of Hell Night before randomly seeing it online or getting it from the library. See-I did learn something while I was there. And I didn't even have to read.

Scream for one helluva party!

Making out in cars is an American tradition.

Dammit Robin Hood, that's not how you pour a beer into a stein!

Cool story bro. Let's get into the house already.

Hot 80's chicks want to keep me warm? Offer accepted.

Right in the ass with an arrow-Robin Hood, what aim!

 Joining a Frat doesn't build relationships for the rest of your life-it turns you into a fucking douche-bag.

Oh man-off with her head!

It's difficult to be scared of a guy that has a fake parrot on his shoulder.

As hard as those beds look, I'd rather sleep on the floor.

Hey Pete-this really was a Hell Night. Thanks for setting it up.

What you get with this slice of the 80's is this-two female pledges and two male pledges want to join this Frat house. So they attend the party at the beginning of the film, get semi-wasted and whatever else people do at parties, and then everyone (literally everyone) from the party gets into their vehicles completely sloshed and drive up to the Garth Manor. The president of the Frat is telling everyone the story of the Garth family killing themselves and each other and all that craziness. And of course, in order for the four pledges to become members they have to spend the entire night in the Garth Manor-and the next morning, they're in. That's it. Of course there's sex, alcohol, dumb college humor and Linda Blair boasting some amazing cleavage. Seriously. Couldn't keep my eyes off of it. Even if you're not completely a horror fan, I'd say any zit or zombie would get a kick out of Hell Night. But if you are, it just makes it taste all the more sweeter. Hotchka. Wayne, where's my pea soup? Aw, forget it.  

Nightmare Concert (A Cat In The Brain)

Some of you zits and zombies prefer horror offerings from other countries-Germany, France, Japan, China and even of Spanish areas where Bloody Moon and Pieces come to mind. So do I. Any and all of these outer countries have films that are memorable and surprisingly gory, but Italy most of the time (for me personally) takes the cake. Unless were talking about Germany or France of course. Then we would have to mention The Burning Moon or High Tension. But that's not what were here to focus on right now. Were here to focus on a definitive splatter-fest from one of Italy's finest. Lucio Fulci's Nightmare Concert. Or Cat In The Brain. Which ever title you prefer, the film stays the same-and it's a grandiose tapestry of blood, gore, Fulci loosing his mind, a woman getting strangled with piano wire and a cat literally in a brain. But it's much more than just a bunch of very violent events all strung together. It's about letting your work get to you. It's very healthy for your physical and mental state to have time away from whatever it is you do for a living, and I think Lucio did a great job presenting that in this film. Even though it is somewhat out of the context of reality, there have been many times in my work life where I felt like I had a cat in my brain, and it never seemed to go away. Two tickets for Key West? Hell yeah, let's get out of here. 

Well, there's a cat-and it's in a brain. So it's already lived up to it's title and it's only been the first two minutes. Bravo.

In the mood for cooked, seasoned flesh? Anyone? Ah, you vegan bastards.

Sadistic cannibalism is such eloquently messy work.

The buzz of a chainsaw can get to you after awhile.

Damn, Italian women are sexy. That's why I married one.

Fulci, you're losing it man. Keep it together.

Everything these actors are doing has to be real.

I never thought I would see the physical embodiment of a, ehem... "pocket pussy".

Bitch slapping must be an Italian tradition.

Dead women love hitching rides on merry-go-rounds.

Cock blocked by some jackass across the alley. Getting laid can never be easy, can it.

Letting your work get to you mentally is something I think that happens to pretty much everyone. And if it can happen to Lucio Fulci, than it can happen to you. I didn't watch this as a warning, I watched this because I knew it was going to be a thrill ride full of gore, violence and Italian angst-and that's more than enough to deflate any of my personal aggression I may or may not have against my employer. Even as an artist there are still throes of depression and frustration, and I believe that Cat In The Brain was Fulci's outlet for such feelings. As a fan and reviewer I can say without a doubt that sitting through this film is basically like listening to one of your favorite metal albums-headbanging and destroying anything in your path for some normalcy. Except in movie form. It all happens in your head, and that's where it should stay. I also need to mention that I'm somewhat allergic to cats as well. So this isn't going to work. Guess I need a larger supply of Benadryl next time. This dander is killing me.      

Cellar Dweller

There are many great examples of midnight monster cult classics, but Cellar Dweller is one that I pretty much never hear or read anyone talking about. C'mon guys, get with it. Right when I placed the dvd in my player and saw Jeffrey Combs on the screen drawing some comic book frames, I already knew that this was going to be an enchanted ride full of dark magic, attractive women and a decent helping of gore on the side. The make-up, costumes and special effects are amazing as well and sucks the viewer right in. Now the print I have on dvd is pretty dark in some spots and makes me wonder if Scream Factory just used a transfer from a beat up VHS of this film they had just lying around-I am also aware that this has been put onto blu-ray, so hopefully the transfer on there is cleaner and brighter so you can see everything the way it was meant to be seen. Basically, J. Combs plays the famous comic book cartoonist Colin Childress who ended up burning up his home and his studio in an attempt to kill off the Cellar Dweller whenever he used the book of magic he had to make it seem more real or authentic. Some-odd years later, the property is transformed into the strangest art institute and the cellar where he did his work is closed off because it's "haunted by Childress' spirit". That's where Whitney comes in. That's where you come in.

Man, Jeffrey Combs is everywhere.

Being a comic book artist would be killer.

Heavy is the axe we wield against the foe of daily life.

Concierge's always creep up on you.

Dark art is still art. Art is still dark. She doesn't get it.

Angst? It looks like you took some water colors and slopped them on a piece of printer paper.

What the hell kind of art institute is this?

I have more fun drinking than screaming at the wind.

Never seen a mop wetter.

"I'll hang you up by your eye lids and wrench out your fingernails one by one." Damn, that's some brutal shit.

Give me a break, give me a break-break me off a piece of Amanda's arm!

Cellar Dweller is for sure a great entry into the horror genre from the late 80's. It's a tad lighter on the gore side of things (there still is some, just not as much as you would expect) and probably one of the best scenes in here is when the cellar dweller just outright smacks one of the art institutes students heads off. Great fun. There's the annoying Phillip played by Brian Robbins who, somehow becomes the love interest of Whitney by the end (why do the annoying, ugly guys get the hot chicks?) and the arch enemy of Amanda. Her and Whitney have a past and there is a sub-plot of her and the woman that runs the art institute are trying to ruin her reputation by way of making a fake tape of her plagiarizing Amanda's art. Even though she's not a comic book artist. Once this boiled head stew finally simmers down, you get a pretty fantastic 80's monster flick that warrants the cult following that it has garnered. There's always a cellar to be a dweller in-except killing people, I'm just going down to get some wine. Bring the cheese and crackers. This party is going to be out of control.           

Camp Blood 4

There's a segment of my brain that kind of just wants to melt down because of movies like Camp Blood 4, and then there are other ones that just bubble up in frustration, pure hatred and anger because somehow these fecal shit-shows make it past the planning stages of film making. I don't get it. And what makes me laugh manically even more is that the Camp Blood franchise has 6 or 7 entries in it, and I can only imagine each one being just as crap-tastic. Let's put it this way zits and zombies-Camp Blood 4 isn't a movie. It's what happens when someone with a camera wakes up one morning, turns it on and just starts pointing it at everything and anything to make themselves feel like they are making a movie. That's really all there is to this film besides the thickest film padding I've ever seen, which consists of the main females in this picture combing their hair, doing their make-up and walking around the area they live in for huge chunks of time. Probably 20 minutes or so, at least twice. Every scene drags the viewer through the mud waaaaaaaaaaaayyyy longer than it should and I actually paused the movie probably 3 or 4 times in between to see if this vomit bag had finally dried up.

Oh man. The opening is very similar to Loony in the Woods. I already want to castrate myself.

  How could you run over a hot chubby chick like that? Unacceptable.

Dear God, a clown mask.

Shawn C. Phillips?! The almighty Coolduder? Hell yeah!

It's so damn dark-I can't see anything! Why is the screen so fucking black?

I hope all of this padding will amount to something.

 Holy dog turds, is anything ever going to happen in this fucking movie?!?!?!

What is up with the print of this movie? Every other scene is so goddamn dark you can't fucking see anything.

If this asshole with the clown mask is the killer, he's so damn lame. There is nothing intimidating about this guy.

Besides being an absolute mess, I never actually saw Shawn C. Phillips any where in this movie. So that was a huge let down for me. Without having what little star power it was said to have, I conclude that this "film" shouldn't be called Camp Blood 4. It should have been titled "Watch young women go thrifting after combing their hair and putting on their make-up". Quite literally the first two acts of Camp Blood 4 is just that-random chicks combing their hair, doing their faces and going shopping at random locales. I'd rather masturbate with hot bacon grease straight from the pan than ever acknowledge that this anal evacuation ever existed. Am I afraid of clowns? After watching this, I don't think I'm afraid of much of anything anymore.  

Things (1993)

As an avid Bleeding Skull! fan, when they first posted the review of a film called Things, I initially thought it was the Canadian disaster from 1989. But no. I have since found out there are multitudes of horror flicks with the title Things from different years, and they are all completely different. How was the one from 1993? This question is always left up to the viewer, but I will spew my opinions. By any and all stretch of the imagination, this is not a good movie. It just isn't. But I was entertained, and that's all that matters. There are many elements that make up Things (1993)- cute 80's girls in lingerie, a jackass with a hat that calls himself "The Black Mayor", domestic abuse, plenty of violence and gore encased inside one of the absolute worst wrap-arounds for an anthology film I think I've ever sat through. This film is pretty mean spirited when you look at it from afar, but that really doesn't make this difficult to watch. It's for sure a picture you can absorb because of how utterly absurd the two stories are. If I chose which story I liked better, I would lean more towards "Thing In A Jar" just because there is more gore and more of a bizarre tone to wade through than the first offering. 

Ha, ha, ha! Dean Cain's fucking fruity brother!

These chicks are stuuuuuuuuuupid.

I can't describe how lame and awkward these guys are. I just can't.

Dingy rooms for dirty girls.

"What a fucking dump."

Who cares about Tulip-Daisy is damn hot!

Mayor Black isn't black, but he has a black hat so therefore he's Mayor Black.

A piece of shit with teeth.

Why was looking in the fridge supposed to be scary?

The Mayor bites it!

Does Leon have a tattoo on his ass?! 

If you are into SOV or just garbage horror in general, Things (1993) will whet your whistle. These are the dreams that trash cinema are made of, and this particular piece of celluloid was both highly entertaining and extremely pointless at the same time. There was absolutely nothing to pull away from this film, but these types of movies are just there to kill brain cells. They don't exist to win awards. Although this one could get one for "the most domestic violence in the span of twenty minutes" but that would just be insulting and amateur. And we don't want that. We want hot 80's girls in their underwear getting eaten by a burrito you ingested and shat out yesterday that somehow grew teeth and can crawl on the floor. That's the level we are at. That's the level we want to stay at. I want eggs and hash browns for some reason. Breakfast for all.