Dean Koontz's Black River (VHS)

I didn't even realize this until I started putting this review together, but this is my second Dean Koontz film adaptation that I have watched this year. It seems like his books (or in this case a novella) never get the quality treatment that King's novels do when it comes to moving them over to motion picture. My VHS of Black River has been sitting on my shelf for to long now and I finally fed it into my VCR recently to slop down some notes-and boy was this something else. Two of the main things that drag this flick down are the pacing and the acting. The overall acting in Black River is just horrendous. Normally I can look past it to absorb more of the quality of the film, but this time it just left a bad taste in my mouth. Like I needed some Listerine after eating something with a lot of onions and garlic. The pacing felt very up and down most of the time coupled with the fact that the plot just left me feeling like it wasn't really going to go anywhere. And it kind of didn't. The whole thing with the mayor's brother's ghost calling him on the phone to tell him who is supposed to be with who and who needs to stay in the town and weird shit like that just didn't seem to really fit with what the hell was going on with the rest of the film. There's also some guy that built a remote controlled SUV that follows Bo Aikens around the entire town seemed just bizarre and creepy. To put the rotten cherry on top of this shit sundae is the ending. It's exactly what happened to Bo when he first arrived at Black River, except it happens to some other jackass that's just passing through. How creative.

Traffic just sucks.

I hate saying it, but some humans just take up everyone else's space.

   Ok-I didn't think this was a pet cemetery. My bad.

Every hole needs to be six feet deep.

There are way to many cameras in this town. Especially since it was back in 2001.

The mayor is selling Black River just a little to hard.

Security guards always act like cartoons.

    Nothing like being screwed in a new town.

How the hell does a hose stand up and turn on on it's own?

Every bar should be equipped with a jukebox that fries it's patrons if they act like jackasses.

Man, there are just to many damn cameras in this town.

Zits and zombies, I don't think this actually warrants a second viewing. It might benefit from it to try to figure out what actually is going on in Black River, but it's not even worth it unless you somehow become attached to this film. Even as a Dean Koontz fan, I'd rather watch any of the King films over this any day. Nothing really positive comes from sitting through this picture unless you find Lisa Edelstein to be attractive, are prone to watching the sub-par work of Jay Mohr in any context or are in the mood to see some assclown get sprayed with a hose that turns on by itself, and then minutes later get electrocuted by a digital jukebox. In which case that scene actually made me laugh because I wasn't expecting it and seeing that guy lying on a pool table covered in electrical burns just made it even better. Go watch Dead Zone, The Shining or Silver Bullet-the Black River is one you shouldn't have to swim through.    

It's Alive III: Island of the Alive

I have already noted that the third entry into the It's Alive trilogy is my favorite piece. Mainly because it's the "black sheep" and it really doesn't take itself to serious like the previous two did. Also, it stars Michael Moriarty and anything that guy is in is bound to be on helluva treat to sit through. Legendary b-movie actress Karen Black also plays Moriarty's ex-wife, and her acting is really dim and dismal here. She really just slogs through her parts and lines (with what little she has) and it doesn't really add or subtract anything to the overall experience of sitting through It's Alive III: Island of the Alive. The main focus this time is really just Jarvis (Moriarty) going through the throes of the courtroom to testify for or against what is going on with his baby, and of course it's locked up in a cage with a chain around it's neck. He makes a spectacle out of this when the judge orders for it to be brought out for everyone to see, and then the judge puts through the idea that all of these mutated children should be shipped off to an island away from the rest of the world so they can grow and thrive without harming anyone. That's where the "island" part of the film comes from. And then a group of hunters are sent to the island to kill them and dispose of them to snuff out their existence. I'm sure you zits and zombies can already conclude what happens after they arrive on the island.

Baby's first meal is cop-food!

Michael Moriarty and Karen Black? Hell yeah!

 I'm not for killing babies, but in this case a baby death squad is a good idea.

Damn-that baby bent right through those steel bars.

She's a commando in the streets and a revolutionary under the sheets.

Isolate the babies on an island. That's the ticket.

Why did you drop your gun you fool?

There's always gotta be a twist to make some money.

Jarvis is such a dick-I love it!

"We should have brought toys and balloons-kids love clowns."

 It's Alive III: Island of the Alive is not even close to being a flawless production, but out of the three it's the most entertaining. Jarvis doesn't give a good goddamn about anyone around him and just wants to see that his child is ok-even if it is highly disfigured. If you sit back and analyze it a little bit, it's kind of the classic idea that we as humans are afraid of what we don't understand, so we shun and throw rocks until the time comes where whatever it is is accepted and we come to terms with it not being as bad as we originally thought. High art this is not, It's Alive III is the only one of the three that is watchable more than once and seems to get better with each sitting. Zits and zombies, now that this trilogy is on blu-ray and easier to acquire- give all three of them a spin. I'd still say that you'd rather get stuck on an island than to have your wife tell you that she thinks she has to poop. Figure that one out.    

It's Alive 2: It Lives Again

The It's Alive trilogy continues with the sequel It's Alive 2: It Lives Again and in my slime covered opinion, not much really changes between this one and the original. It's basically as straight forward as it can get in terms of a continuing story, and it really just jump starts itself right after the first one ends. Frank Davis travels to Seattle after he finds out that a few more of the mutant infants have been born to try to warn the next couple about what is going on. He's at their house during some kind of party or get together or something and no one knows who he is or how he got there. After all of the guests leave he basically just kind of invades the couples lives and tries to inform them about the experiences he had with his baby previously. There's a bunch of shit with scientists and doctors wanting to test the babies and experiment on them, the couple doesn't want to kill their own child but they have to make the choice to do so. Oh, Frank dies as well. So there's that. The sequel is kind of a mess and a tad on the grindy side of horror cinema, but if you at least somewhat enjoyed the original, there's a little juice to squeeze from It's Alive 2. 

Tuscon-I hope I can move to Arizona soon.

Mr. Davis isn't queer. You haven't seen the first film, have you?

Don't be a dick, Gene. Frank is trying to help.

Calling your baby "it" sounds like somethings wrong to me.

I can't sleep normally either.

Who would trust you-you're a damn doctor.

Sexual activity-would you really want these things making more of themselves?

Enter The Dragon? Hell yeah!

Their maximum potential is to be dead.

How are you going to sleep in that bed? It's so damn small.

Man these babies are freaking ugly.

In the grand scheme of things zits and zombies, It's Alive 2: It Lives Again is a very middle of the road, okay, mediocre sequel that really only warrants a single view just to continue the trilogy. There are a few kills with the mutant babies, but they are weaker than what was offered in the original and the plot really doesn't have much more weight to it than just Frank going to a different city to warn other people about the mutated infants. The main characters really have nothing note worthy behind them to make them memorable, and they have to make some serious choices here and there that would have made other relationships fall apart. But you have to do what you have to do sometimes. For now, just stick with the original. The third times' a charm.  

It's Alive

The very first film in the It's Alive trilogy that I watched was It's Alive III: Island Of The Alive back when I found a copy of it on VHS at Unique. To bad that thrift store closed a while ago-there were some great tapes in there to be had, and of course I never got around to acquiring them. Even though my personal favorite is the third entry, it had to begin somewhere and the 1974 original was played as a serious take on the public trust of doctors and hospitals who administer drugs and the like while patients are there. The new Davis baby ends up being born a mutant of some kind as a result of being exposed to an experimental drug that the mother was given whilst pregnant. Overall, she was basically being used as a guinea pig (what a shock) to try some new drugs that a pharm company needed tests done on, and their child was born aggressive, hungry and scared not knowing what to do except to kill to eat. Larry Cohen did an excellent job in this film keeping that actual baby out of frame to often because it's a total classic case of "being more frightened of what you don't see" that works to great effect and keeps the viewer on edge to get a glimpse of the baby. I'm not going to sit here and tell you zits and zombies that It's Alive is a masterpiece-but it is a 70's horror classic that is still very watchable even today. Especially in regard towards doctors and hospitals over-medicating and taking advantage of their patients. That shit needs to stop. 

This isn't the opposite to the opening of Look Who's Talking, is it?

Frank, I think I have to poop.

My bedroom would be a sneeze-storm if that cat was sleeping with me.

Who cares if she's Irish or Scottish, just go watch your kid be born already!

Dude, who stirs their coffee with a damn pencil!?

10-11 lbs. Crap, that's a big baby!

I can't even be upset. This baby did what I've always wanted to do in a hospital. I've said to much already.

It's the mainstream media. You shouldn't be to surprised.

No one should like taking shots. Good for you.

How does this baby see anything? It has double vision like it's drunk or something.

The original It's Alive isn't prefect by any means. It has it's own flaws for sure such as some of the editing in spots being jumpy, the acting can be dry and off center at times and Lenore Davis acts really bizarre in a couple of scenes. I suppose that's supposed to be her character coping with what's going on, but it just felt unnatural and really strange even in the context of what was happening. Those small nitpicks aside, though, It's Alive in and behind it's message is still just as relevant now as it was in the 70's-it's just the whole drug/hospital/people putting all of their faith in doctors epidemic has become way out of control. I believe it's pretty much at the point now where no one can stop it. Zits and zombies, please don't be duped by a medicine man. No one needs a child that craves flesh. No one.        

Demons At The Door

Another piece of my horror beginnings from Champaign, Demons At The Door was a dvd that I had planned on buying because it was less then five bucks and I had found it at Meijer's. I did not buy it, however because I informed my fellow trash collector Steven Cisna about it and he scooped up a copy fairly quickly for his collection. That weekend when he came over with a bunch of random movies for us to slime through, the dvd of this beast was one of them. The cover really said something to me that almost made me vomit, well, in part because some of the music in this film was arranged by none other than the two dumbest fucks to ever be born-ICP. Yeah, you read that right zits and zombies... this movie contains music "composed" by a fat asshole and a skinny douchebag that wear clown make-up and rap about "Magnets, how do they work?" I can't believe that I actually had to include this shit in one of my reviews on here, but there it is. Moving on from that filth-how's Demons At The Door? Technically, it's one helluva mess. I could have done most of the CGI myself on my PC and it would have looked more realistic, the dialogue is laughable, the ADR is atrocious and there are way to many beefcakes and not enough females. Oh, and the main guy in this movie looks like a hilariously mutated version of David Hasselhoff and Arnold. Yeah.   

The intro makes me want to play Guardian War on the 3DO.

 I wish I could find a dragon-shout in real life.

HAhahhahhahhhaaaa!! The main hero is like a mix of Arnold and David Hasselhoff!

I'm pretty sure that a round from an AK is bigger than a BB!

The Lord Humongous is in this movie?!

Bible mumbo jumbo. I'll deal with it for the plot.

"Here's thirty five cents. Call Ripley and see if he believes this shit."

Why does there have to be music by ICP in here?

This demon looks like it's full of that neon green stuff from the inside of those Ninja Turtle dessert pies.

Damn, the septic tank backed up again.

Yay-more reasons religion is dumb.

Demons At The Door is something I really wanted to like the first time I watched it in Champaign with Steven, and I wanted to like it the second time for this review. But, alas I just can't. The ending is absolutely bat-shit and just makes me wonder where the writers and director wanted to go with this film because it's legendarily off the wall to the point where I really thought I had huffed a can of paint before I pulled this up on Amazon Video. I remembered it being insane the initial time I watched it, but it's even more-so the second time around. Zits and zombies, the angel Uriel needs your help to save the world from Satan... and the best way we can do that is to not watch this movie. Thank you.

Drive-In Splatterhouse

I absolutely had the lowest of low expectations when I sat down to take notes for Drive-In Splatterhouse after I came home from work earlier this morning because this looks like a fucking turd. But, on the contrary, I was balls-out entertained by this modern grindhouse offering and it really took me by surprise. The acting is truly awful, but in this case for some reason it adds to the charm of how bottom of the barrel this picture is and it all was to perfect for the tone and feel that you overall experience with it. There is plenty of exploitation to absorb here what with tons of lesbianism, female nudity, gun-play, really REALLY bad special effects and two of the worst, most generic anthology stories that could have possibly been shoved into this 64 minute run-time. I hate to admit it to you zits and zombies, but Drive-In Splatterhouse pretty much immediately became a guilty pleasure film for me as I was jotting notes down and I would gladly sit through it again just to soak in all of those hot female bodies and terrible thespian work. My favorite bit was at the beginning with the fake trailer for a movie called "Easter" where a giant bunny rabbit shows up in a low-rider and just starts blasting everyone with a murdered out AK. That's when you know shits going to be good. 

Oh shit-some low budget, grindhouse fare!

This trailer for "Easter" is on point!

Jesus, there are some killer babes in this film.

I would complain about the padding, but when the padding is a lesbian couple making out, there's nothing to complain about.

Do cops give up that easily?

Hell yeah, Teagan has some serious firepower! I hope the libtards don't see this movie!

 These henchmen fucking suck.

This montage of this hot blonde jogging and beating up a punching bag is, well... kind of pointless.

(Jaw drops open) Who....knew....watering...flowers could....be....so...hot..........

This isn't when Peter Steele was arrested, was it?

 Yeah, get down-make love. Right now.

As I've already said zits and zombies, Drive-In Splatterhouse is a modern grindhouse flick that is more delightful than I expected. The only real thing that should have been more involved or had a little more money and time put towards it should have been the pretty much non-existent special effects and gore. Other than that though, this is garbage entertainment almost at it's best, it just needs a little bit of a harder kick to the groin and it would most certainly be accepted into the dried out and dying open arms of the horror/cult community. If you're in the mood for exploitation that leans more towards female nudity and lesbianism versus guns and gore, then this is what you're looking for. Just watch out for that rabbit. Elmer Fudd is going to need more than a sawed-off.  

Analog Chaos has launched!

Zits and zombies! I have been wanting to get this together for a long time now and I've finally finished my first Analog Chaos episode on Youtube! Check it out! Just go to the link I have below or go to the Cinema Slayer Youtube page to give it a watch! In the pilot episode I rattle around the cheesy action flick Fast Gun from 1993-Hotchka!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edHgee-LGX0