Rad (Mondo blu-ray)

 

Rad is an exceptional cult flick, and I love it dearly because of it's nostalgia factor and it's positive message. I honestly only saw a part of this movie when I was at a friends house one time way back in junior high randomly on t.v. because it was one of those situations where we were flipping channels and to us at the time it looked stupid, so we kept hunting for something to watch. I never had any interest in anything even remotely to do with biking or BMX at all when I was growing up, and that served to me even more to not pay any attention to a film like Rad. This was one where I was intrigued by it many, many years later as I became older because of the whole "underdog story" element held within it's grasp, and even though I've never been particularly a massive 80's music fan, the soundtrack here is so killer-perfect that I would honestly grab it on vinyl if the chance arose. When you've got thunder in your heart and you see an opportunity to go ass sliding with the girl of your dreams, you know things are going your way. Mondo and Mill Creek did an excellent job restoring this on blu-ray, and I'm glad that I was able to get it this time because the first time it was put out on blu-ray and 4k was by Vinegar Syndrome, and I missed it by a mile because, once again, I had no interest in it. I kept seeing the cover art along with people talking online about how this was an amazing movie they used to watch from their childhood's and some energy for me started to build up for it. Then I decided I needed this in my collection when my favorite movie reviewer on YouTube-Cecil of Goodbadflicks-had done an episode about Rad way back in his early days. I revisited his video about it and then I knew I had to have it. Luckily somehow, Mondo got together with Mill Creek to do a second run of this with their own print on blu-ray in a steelbook, and I pre-ordered that shit immediately. I had no choice.

Cru Jones is your average dude in high school that's looking to get with a specific girl, just doing his thang-practicing his bike tricks and hanging out with his gang. He also works at a bakery/deli where his boss really looks like a slovenly version of Seth Rogan. Hell, Seth Rogan looks like a slovenly version of Seth Rogan if we're completely honest. Duke Best comes to town with his lackey's to promote the Helltrack which is the BMX competition where the winner gets $100,000 and a sweet, sweet red corvette. But, like all movies like this, Duke Best is a greedy douche-baggins of a businessman that wants nothing more than his own guy, Bart Taylor, to win this thing so he can keep the money and garner the glory. Cru Jones is going to kick Best's ass, especially on the very day of the Helltrack itself when Best and his dumb sidekick decide to keep changing the rules to screw him over. Cru and the entire town help him overcome the odds to put whatever dinky town they live in on the map, and he gets to make it with Lori Loughlin. Or ass sliding. Or both. It's to bad about that whole cheating to get her daughter into college thing happened-they could have been a great couple. Either way, he wanted an angel sent to him, and boy did he get that. The money, the girl, the car, his mom off of his back about the SAT's. When you have talent, no one cares about that. I know I wouldn't.

Fancy bikes, fancy tricks and fancy licks.

What a way to "break the ice".

"The porch, I told you a million times, the porch!"

Now I just want to play Paperboy on the NES.

No one cares about your college applications.

Everything has a political and corporation taint behind it. Nothing can have a pure stance.

Dr. Robotnik needs to learn some new motorcycle tactics.

I don't really want to know what "ass sliding" means.

Screw college-let him get into the Helltrack.

Is there ever a time when Cru isn't on his bike?

Aunt Becky is looking pretty saucy tonight.

The pressure is on, man-there's a ton of cute chicks in bikini's watching.

Cru said he was saving going ass sliding with someone special. That someone special is Lori Loughlin.

Gotta qualify for that Helltrack!

They've got thunder in their hearts!

Cru totally is being a goon.

It's just like a politician to "change the rules" at the most convenient time for themselves to benefit.

Zits and zombies, Rad is absolutely a top tier 80's flick. It comes down to the fact that it doesn't matter if you're interested in BMX or not because that's not what's producing the thunder in your heart. What is doing that is the fact that this mostly unknown kid from some mostly unknown town gets the chance to prove to himself and everyone else that he's the best and no one can stop him. Bart Taylor can't. The mayor can't. Duke Best can't. Nobody. And that's the most positive attitude you can have when grinding against an assclown like that that think's they're invincible. Arrogance makes men eventually falter, and Cru Jones has a heart of gold that is unmatched. Now, get on you bikes and ride! Bi-cycle, bi-cycle, bi-cycle... I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. I want to ride it where I like! And I want that chance for the glory! Suck it up, Best! You're not the best anymore! Hulk Hogan, eat your heart out! 

Goobers!

 

I have watched plenty of Full Moon slosh over the years, but I've never bothered to delve into their sister label destined for children films-Moonbeam Entertainment. Yeah, the weirdo's behind Puppet Master, Demonic Toys, Killjoy and Dollman have a side studio dedicated to movies for kids, and I have to say-if Goobers! is any indication of how any of the other fare from that dark side of the moon is a result, I don't even think I would suggest parent's let their kids watch this crap. A guy like me sitting through shit like The Gingerdead Man and Bad Channels is one thing, but a kid sitting through Goobers! is entirely something else. I don't even know if I would let my daughter watch this if she asked me to-and it's not even because of the actual content-it's the quality. The absolute mind and genital numbing quality. What's in the film is perfectly fine for kids to be quite honest, it's just the tone here is sooooo damn awkward and even for me being close to forty years old, it was just putrid in a way that I almost can't describe. I guess the best way is the old adage of driving past a wreck on the highway and you know you shouldn't look, but you do anyway. I really couldn't believe what I was seeing and I'm pretty damn sure that if I had saw Goobers! when I was a kid, I would probably pretend for the rest of my life that it doesn't even exist. I don't quite get the parody title against The Goonies either because this film isn't a group of kids going on some epic adventure to follow a pirate's treasure map in hopes of becoming rich and famous-Goobers! is a goober of a film that deals with the fact that Tommy senses something strange about the monster/creature things that are on set with all of them while filming their show, and eventually figures out their some kind of bizarre aliens being hunted down by Groon and Queen Mara. And they live in some kind of box or... treasure chest. Fine. That's the only similarity. Nothing else is parallel.

This hunk of stinky cheese starts itself off by us watching an episode of Captain Mike's Mystery Monsters being filmed, and Tommy messing things up. He gets curious about the monsters themselves and tries to figure out if they're real or not, and what a fucking surprise, they are. Pretty much the whole film after this opening scene is Tommy trying to convince everyone that Blop, Squidgy and Esmerelda are actual beings from space or another world-and the oh-so-tired theme of no one believing him is right there, waiting to smother him in wasted time and shrugged shoulders. Not even his cute co-star Susie gives a good shit and even writes down her therapist's number for him to seek help. Man, even for some chick that's eleven (maybe twelve) years old, how much of a bitch can you possibly be? And I really wish that I could say that a lot (or even any) of the stupidity that takes place in this thing made me at least chuckle a little bit, but unfortunately for this offering, I truly don't think I laughed a single time. At anything. Not once. The puppets themselves didn't even make me crack in the slightest-I think I actually felt sorry for them this time around and wanted to donate some money or a bowl of soup to them individually just so they could make it through the production. Charles Band, if for some insane reason you stumble across this review and actually read it, never, ever make children's movies ever again. Just don't do it. Point that moonbeam in a different direction. Someone besides us needs the radiation and the moonlight a lot more.

Captain Mike, Squidgy, Blop and Esmerelda-what a cast.

 Your popcorn strings were eaten!

Let me guess-Tommy is going to start investigating something "magical" on the set, right?

"You know what happens to little kids that don't follow Captain Mike's rules? They get fired!!"

That looks like a treasure chest from Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

 Everyone needs privacy you little bastard.

Wow, what shitty drywall was used to build this backstage area? Tommy barely put any effort into carving a peeping hole into the changing room wall.

Holy shit, you wasted your whole life looking for a baseball card that's worth $120. What a damn loser.

Your therapists name is Dr. Weinstein? Good luck.

This Groon guy is basically the physical embodiment of Google and Wikipedia all wrapped into one.

Ha, Blop farted. 

Zits and zombies, Goobers! is just stupid. The overall tone here is unique to be honest, but it's also really awkward and to my amazement was pretty difficult to track anything down online about. Maybe Charles Band realized how downtrodden this film is after it was put out on dvd and tried to bury it. If that's what really happened, then I'd say good call. No one needs to see this. The only miniscule redeeming thing here is the woman that played Queen Mara is pretty sexy, but that's truly it with this piece and I hope Full Moon as a whole just never even bothers making children's content ever again. If you're craving a dive into that sector of garbage film making, just stick with some of their flagship stuffs like Puppet Master or maybe even Evil Bong. I'm more inclined to watch Blade slice some asshole's fingers off in an elevator than shitty alien kid muppets playing cards and smoking stogies with Captain Mike. Alright, time to go back into the secret magical treasure chest... forever. 

Video Murders

 

What we have here with Video Murders is a film that makes you believe that you're going on a sleazy ride. A dirty excursion full of female nudity, blood, asphyxiation and magnetic tape. Very, very small bits of all of those are present here, interjected with two extremely long winded chase scenes involving the main detective and our killer, David Lee Shepherd. He has the name of an 80's rock god to be perfectly honest with you, but he never even comes close to living up to such an upper crust that is so hard to reach. The very best parts of Video Murders are the title card, the psychology behind David Shepherd's character and that's about it. I truly wanted this flick to go much deeper than it does because I'm into all of that serial killer bull-snickety, but once you get through certain scenes contained here and you realize that David is a sad, broken mama's boy that turns to filming his female strangulations, you kind of don't give a shit. I personally wanted to grab him by the collar of his stupid white button-up shirt and start shaking him around while yelling "snap out of it man! There's plenty of other career paths out there besides owning a video company!" He also doesn't need to kidnap and kill random women to get his mother's attention either. But that's what happens when you lose it and you don't know what to do anymore. Suicide, murder, and recording your actions like R. Kelly did. Yeah, I mentioned that. At least David wasn't into little girls. And peeing on them.

The very first thing that happens in Video Murders is that David has a solid sit down in front of his boob tube with some chinese food. He peers at some blonde chick swinging her melons around on his t.v. screen for a few minutes, he sweats profusely, turns it off and decides to go to some bar for a drinky-drink. This random black hooker catches his cancerous eye, and he follows her in his crappy van, even after she gets on a motorcycle with some other random guy. She gives him the bird for no real reason, and then David all of a sudden is there to pick her up. After arriving at his shitty apartment (or hotel room-whatever it is) she pays him 300 smackeroons to "play some video games" and then he proceeds to choke her ass on camera. Now that I'm thinking about it, I guess this flick is sort of Maniac-light, except there's stuff being filmed and David sweats a lot. Basically after this, not much else happens. He goes and does the same thing a couple more times until he kidnaps the ridiculously naïve Melissa, whom he ends up considering to be his "girlfriend" at some point. He forces her to wear one of his mother's dresses, ties her to a bed post and films himself apologizing to his mom about being a loser and a serial killing piece of shit and then springboards into one of the longest chase scenes in film history. This shit feels like it's never going to end. And when the cops finally catch him, it was pretty much all for nothing. I'll leave it at that.

Chinese food is always a good way to start off a night of murder and pornography.

This dude is one sweaty mother.

She's got nice bewbs.

Holy shit, radio shack? Take me back, man!

He'll give you $100 because he's a simp from the 80's.

$300 to play video games? You better be buying a new console or something.

Your suspects name is David Shepherd? I thought it was Kyle Reese.

Laces out you little bastard.

What are you crying for-you're the one who enjoys killing women and video taping it.

The fuzz is gonna get'cha!

Oh, I think David Lee is a killer. He's a real good boy that sweats a lot and strangles women on film.

The Insatiables are the most 80's 80's band that the 80's have ever produced. From the 80's.

Hi-you're real sweaty. Mind if I sit down?

C'mon lady, you can't tell that you're eating a meal with a psycho?

Zits and zombies, I really wanted more from Video Murders. The potential is here for something really great, but it just falls flat unfortunately and really doesn't come close to providing what the audience wants from an entry like this. I'm not going to say this is a total waste because it isn't, it's just everything that takes place in the realm of David Lee Shepherd isn't very exciting. It would have fared a lot better if the film went to darker, more extreme places in certain scenes to punctuate just how fucked up of a guy he really is, but the way this flick stands is sort of a cartoonish reminder that cult film makers could do so much better. I could recommend Video Murders if you're a fan of the insanely boring SOV Spine or if you're just that curious that you have to watch it no matter what anyone tells you. Order some kung-pow chicken first. You'll need to pack as much of your own punch here to make it through.

Burglar From Hell

 

For me, Frank The Tank very quickly became an SOV fan favorite. I almost feel like there's nothing he can't do, and do it he shall. He pisses on a dead guy in broad daylight, his weiner falls off and barrels right out of the leg of his pants, which he shrugs off and keeps on killing-the man is an undead genius in my book. I still haven't quite figured out what's up with his face constantly melting or bloating and releasing-maybe it's because he's technically a zombie and that's part of what he has to go through to live his life that way, but as long as he can curse and spout some deliciously ridiculous one-liners that are both impactful and lame in the same context, I'm forever grateful. I'm not a huge pundant for sequels, but I kind of wish that there were a Burglar From Hell 2, because that would just mean more Frank The Tank, more losers like Jake getting stabbed in the stomach with a square shovel while he's on the toilet taking the worst shit of his life and more Debbie D showing her fantastic chest. Bookie had a golden opportunity to get a piece of that illustrious pie while he was trying to help Heather study for a major test coming up in school, and he ends up sweating profusely and just chickening out. Lame. Forget the damn school work man and get'cha dick rubbed, son. I will say on more of a sour note about Burglar From Hell though is that it kind of felt really fucking slow in some spots which drug this piece down a lot, but honestly, it wasn't anywhere being enough for me to become bored or to want to start counting sheep. The pace does wave and feels uneasy here and there, but the overall experience of sitting through Burglar From Hell really was a great time.  

An old woman is out in her yard putting clothes up on the clothesline when Frank The Tank decides to show up in his car to spy on her, smoke a ciggy and talk to himself about how she's a bitch and he knows that she has money. Lots of money. Some neighborhood watch guy finds him sitting in his car and tries to convince him to leave, only resulting in good old Frank strangling him so hard that blood starts gushing everywhere out of every angle of his neck. Jesus, how much pressure do you need to exude on a dude's neck to make it bleed like that from strangulation? Frank gets into the woman's house while she's sitting in a chair doing nothing, she gets startled, he smacks her around a few times and then she blasts him in the chest with a shotgun. And he falls onto a huge white towel that wasn't on the floor a moment before so the fake blood doesn't get everywhere. The production value here is astoundingly hilarious and doesn't care at all if the audience notices because SOV's never do. They exist only to entertain, not to bring life lesson's or philosophy. The old lady buries Frank in her backyard and has a heart attack. What an opening. That's all before the credits. Get yer' snacks now because once Frank comes back, it's all shitty relationships, boobs, black magic and crusty, smelly one-liners from here on out.

That clothesline squeaks like hell.

Frank The Tank is getting fired up.

How hard do you have to squeeze a man's neck to make him bleed?

It takes some serious balls to piss on a dead man's body in broad daylight.

Don't hurt her she says. After Frank already beat her up he did.

When your girl gets pissed, just read an independent movie mag. It will make everything better.

Who even cares about living with a woman before getting married being a sin?

Wheezy, Weller and Fred. What a glorious loser trifecta.

I think your relationship does need a breather.

That kind of was like a PSA.

Jake shouldn't care-he's used to sleeping in his car and on the beach.

Jesus, Bookie is a spaz.

Zits and zombies, I forgot to even mention the whole thing with this black chick named Token that can do curses and rain dances and all of that shit. She needs everyone to fully believe in her to make this stuff work, and getting towards the end it does. She ends up cursing everyone with some stomach issue that only makes Jake have to take an insane dump for some reason, and everyone else that tagged along to rent the old lady's house for the weekend gets killed by Frank The Tank in some form or fashion. Let's be real here-Burglar From Hell is not unlike any other SOV from the 80's and 90's in the way that a lot of random shit happens, but most of it makes no sense. That's the appeal besides that do-it-yourself spirit that those people possessed and craved during those years, and I'm glad that these films are bubbling up to the surface for us to lap up. If you want to see some dude rob an old lady in a black Kool t-shirt with that logo emblazoned on the front of it in screeching early 90's hot pink, you're in luck. Have Token do some spells on you first-it might enhance the experience.   

Mini-Golf Massacre

 

Our boy Leroy gets thrown out of keeping his job at the Puttz mini-golf course because according to fat ol' Mr. Puttz, the economy can't handle him working there anymore, so off he goes to be thrown to the wolves for better food, better beer and greater opportunities. Leroy doesn't find better food but he does find some beer at the local shit-hole bar and his greater opportunity turns out to be stealing the Chucklehead mask out of Mr. Puttz's car when he shows up at that same watering hole to pick up his burger from the bartender, which leads him to going around the mini-golf course in broad daylight and snuffing people out with mini-golf clubs, his bare hands and tying one of his ex-co-workers to a chair in front of one of the ball throwing machines in the batting cages. This is absolutely the most hilarious death scene in any film that I've seen in quite some time because it is one of those moments where you just have to experience it yourself to get the full effect-especially in the flow and context of what Mini-Golf Massacre has to offer. There really isn't to much here that Mini-Golf Massacre really does have to give away in terms of pure entertainment value, but the amount of times I rolled my eyes and actually laughed out loud while this 31 minute shot on video affair from 2013 played out on my pc monitor made up for anything else it could have done better. Which, in reality, is basically everything. This is a home made, back pocket project that only a very few will be able to appreciate, and I'm proud to say that I'm one of the elite in this group when it comes to films like this that 98% of the population would just stop sitting through within the first couple of minutes.

This is one of those short films where it resides in a vortex of unbelievable reality because let's be honest-who's really going to go this nuts (or nuts at all) from being let go from a position at a mini-golf course where you're tearing tickets for kids, stocking garbage prizes behind the counter you could easily acquire at the dollar store and making sure the arcade machines are playing properly. No one. No fucking one. Except Leroy. Leroy loved his job so much that he ends up getting absolutely gassed at that shitty bar I mentioned before, and after he throws back who knows how many shots of straight potato liquor and fermented wheat (the edit for this montage of getting plastered is complete with terrible rock music and ripple effects all over the screen letting you know that he's downright schwasted) he decides the best course of action is to wait until Mr. Puttz is inside the bar so he can steal the Chucklehead mask out of his passenger seat, and makes his way back to the mini-golf course to start rampagin' and killin' innocent people that are just outside trying to have a good time. I never knew that I would enjoy watching some ass-clown with a ridiculously stupid mask whacking people with a mini-golf club, but here I am, letting you know that if you have the right mindset and the film endurance to stomach such a fucking gross turd, then you're in luck. Just don't let Rex touch the saw. No one told him he could do that.

It's just a regular day at the mini-golf course.

Mr. Puttz? This guy looks like a putz.

Get lost, creep? You should have said, "get lost, you putz."

"Who told you to touch the saw, Rex?"

"Am I driving? Of course I'm driving!" "You're driving me nuts!"

Damn that's a lot of vodka.

That bench is about to snap in half. I'm glad Mr. Puttz isn't sitting on it.

Is Mr. Puttz that much of a local celebrity that the bartender had to interrupt everyone by announcing that he's going to be coming in to get a burger over the mic at his establishment?

Mr. Chucklehead is creeping in the outhouse!

"I'm a chef, I'm a chef, I'm a chef, I'm a chef, I'm a chef..."

Rex has the shittiest fake Brooklyn accent of all time. 

I'm going to attempt a hole-in-one here zits and zombies and say that Mini-Golf Massacre is a one of a kind treat. It's a short where I feel like my life is actually a little more complete knowing that it exists, and I feel healthier having actually watched it. We all need to release some anger once in awhile because of things that are going on in our lives, and Leroy figured out a cathartic way to express that himself. Although people were killed with mini-golf clubs and speedy baseballs shot at their heads, he was still able to do it in an orderly fashion, during work hours to satisfy some customers. That's the name of the game here and just because he became a maniac with a giant golf ball head terrorizing people doesn't mean he didn't have a reason. He just really loved working at that damn mini-golf course. Oh, and Leroy is basically one of the Polonia Brothers and an over exaggerated Ray Romano had a kid. Let that sink in as you decide if you want to track this down or not. Time to sink that eagle.

L.A. Aids Jabber

 

From what I understand, L.A. Aids Jabber is more on the rarer or forgotten side of shot on video until recently since Visual Vengeance has decided to give this mess the boutique blu-ray treatment. I do not own a copy of this piece (and now that I've seen it, I'm on the fence about it) and can assure you that SOV die-hards out there are going to get their punctures from this hypodermic cringe when the time is right. The time will be right when Jeffery decides it is because he's the one going around stabbing people with needles that contain his own contaminated blood, and to be quite honest and upfront, this is a pretty unique idea for any kind of a film, let alone a shoe string budgeted affair from 1994. Most of the time with these kinds of films it's a ghost doing some weird shit or some teenagers crapping out a kitchen knife or a sledgehammer disappearing and reappearing in a corner somewhere-but not in L.A. Aids Jabber. The people involved with this flick tried to make this as real as they possibly could have, and now it's a sought after underground work that has seen the light of day on a format it has no business being printed on. The be honest, no SOV should ever make it to blu-ray and beyond because this kind of slime doesn't deserve mainstream greatness-it deserves to wallow in the musty, bizarre smelling and carpeted corners of your local mom and pop video shops of yesteryear. This is the kind of trash that makes me realize that all good things have to end at some point, even if that means getting stabbed with a needle that's infected with the eternally indestructible aids virus.

The basis of L.A. Aids Jabber starts itself off with Jeff and his girlfriend sitting in his car while she nags him every two seconds about him not listening to her, and in between that annoying non-sense, he's dealing with the fact that he's having some kind of stomach pains going on. They get pissed at each other and make a dumb comment about "living in junk food city" which could be the source of Jeffery's issues, and then they separate for the night. The next morning, Jeff decides to go to the doctor to have some tests done, and his doctor that looks like a dime store Denzel Washington lets him know that the bloodwork that was done on him confirms that he indeed does have the sweet, sweet aids virus. He becomes engulfed in rage and makes a hit list of sorts to pay back the many assholes that have wronged him over the years (he's only about 18 or 19) and the first person he calls to perform such actions on is a hooker named Tanya. Good times. He convinces her dirty ass to meet him somewhere so they can get crazy again (with no clothes on) and he proceeds to jab her in the neck with a needle that has his blood in it. What a way to spread the ultimate death. He keeps adding people to the list as he goes along as well before the reporter Judy and the cops start figuring out what's going on until they shoot his ass. Yeah, Jeff does have karma slap him in the face towards the end, but then again the universe also decided it was a good idea to give him a personal nuclear clock-the aids virus. What a shitty hand to be dealt.

Damn your girlfriend is annoying.

He's probably got the A.I.D.S.

I live in junk food city too and my stomach is pretty good 99% of the time.

How could you not believe the SOV version of Denzel Washington as a doctor.

I want to see who's on Jeff's hit list. It's gotta be a doozy.

Tighten that tourniquet you aids infected motherfucker.

Fuck the media.

People in this film have a lot of issues listening to each other while they're sitting next to each other in cars.

Holy shit, I never knew the greatest haircut a guy could ever have would be a mix between a power mullet and the A Flock of Seagulls hair-do.

No one cares about this pointless side story with this Scalia jackass.

I want to meet a guy named Rick Lizard.

Nothing is for free-especially trying to tell someone their future.

I hate to say this zits and zombies, but L.A. Aids Jabber is a purgatory flick. I'm glad I saw this before I decided to do a blind buy because I really don't think I'm going to be doing a revisit any time soon. This is for sure a solid SOV entry because of the unique idea of people being stuck and stabbed with a needle that contains aids tainted blood, but it's just not enough to warrant multiple viewings or eating up space on my shelf. I'd say that if you're curious about it, you'll have a good time. Just make sure you bring plenty of bleach and Clorox wipes to clean up the blood. And wear disposable gloves-you're going to need plenty of those. I don't blame Jeff for stabbing his boss at the furniture store though-that guy was a clownshoe. 

The Cinema Slayer Book is here!!

 

Zits and zombies, the time has finally come-my first Cinema Slayer book has been finished and unleashed! It is comprised mostly of the reviews I have splattered down on here over the last 7-8 years since I started this insanity back in 2015, and all of that work has finally been immortalized into a paperback for you all to fester over! There are newly written reviews, ones that I revisited to form new words from and plenty of other blood-soaked goodies for you all to ingest while taking in a shitty movie and gobbling up some popcorn and diabetes inducing confections that none of us should readily be eating.

This is a momentous occasion, zits and zombies-and I couldn't be more proud of you and myself for completing this monumental task. The link for the Cinema Slayer book is on the right side where everything else is displayed here, and I hope you enjoy it.

Thank you to you all. Now get back to work. You're making me nervous.