Bad Karma (1991)

 

I couldn't resist. I just couldn't resist this one. I found out about Bad Karma from 1991 through Brennan Dortch on Instagram after he had posted a random clip showcasing the insanity to come from the very beginning of this monstrosity, and he told me "it should be on Youtube, my dude." And he wasn't lying. I found it right away as if it was waiting for me right around the corner just like the Hare Krishna's do in this film. I'm not going to mince words here, zits and zombies-this thirty five minute piece can and will mutate your well being into something you never thought possible. Just describing Bad Karma as otherworldly or bat-shit nuttery is putting it lightly. I actually don't really think I have any solid words to blacksmith here that could even remotely let you know what you go through with this one-I almost don't think I could do it justice. I don't think I can do it any justice, but I'm going to try. If you're into films that devolve the very existence of human kind, like Things, Sledgehammer, Boardinghouse and any other various slime covered slabs of contained mental illness from this time period of shot on video, then I believe you may have found the king in Bad Karma. For Satan's sake there's a chainsaw named "Buttsaw" that makes an appearance and it lives up to it's name by sawing both legs off of one of the religious mooks that are terrorizing all of the main innocent people here, and it even goes up his butt and completely obliterates the expectation that it might not do so. But it does. Oh, but it does. Towards the end when all hell breaks loose and it's the Hare Krishna's battling it out with Anthony and all of his sex workers, an inbred family just randomly shows up out of nowhere to add to the confusing mess of rambunctious gore, rows of demon teeth and rotten sound effects that have already set a blitzkrieg on what precious brain cells you had left before you decided to electrify your life with such an out of this galaxy gore-fest.

An old British woman is cooking food inside of her house when a few random Hare Krishna's come-a-knocking to waste her time about their beliefs. Her son and a bunch of friends are having a cookout in the backyard, and right when the burgers start blazing on the grill, that's when this film throws your brain on there along with them. The one with glasses has gigantic Wolverine-style claws pop right out of one of his hands and just pummels the woman in the stomach with tons of washed out screams, cranberry juice level blood and pulsating flesh on the side of his face. Maybe that would be a church I could make a donation to. I have to mention the music in certain spots here because at times it's abysmally grotesque, vile and sounds like someone became obsessed with lifting and moving the needle constantly on a record as it spins on a vinyl player. Very little makes any sense here in terms of how people are killed and why and the sound design (or lack there of) is somehow perfect despite it's non-sensical nature. Now that I think about it, everything here is perfect despite it's non-sensical nature. Now I can finally breathe. I hope that this was good enough for Bad Karma. I don't need any for myself. I've had enough.

These four people should get bad karma just because of their outfits.

Shut up you old British witch and just answer the door.

This is some of the hippest 90's music I've ever heard.

Yeah, make a donation-in blood!

"Hey Dave, make mine a killer zombie!" There's a beer called killer zombie?

You literally just drank something, how the hell are you parched?

When did Hare Krishna's become so joyfully brutal?

Anthony runs an S&M spanking house. This can only get better.

"Master, I can't wear these clothes again! They make me itch like a bastard!"

Well, that chainsaw is called "Buttsaw" for a reason.

Death by desk fan!

I think my new superhero now is Mr. Whippy.

Pure... fucking... lunacy!!

"What about my girlfriend?" "I killed her first-then fucked her brains out!"

I've got nothing left, zits and zombies. Bad Karma has officially tossed my soul into the microwave and slapped the timer on high for five minutes. I truly feel irradiated after ingesting such a psychotic beast of hilarious intestines, monsters that have no explanation and audio sawblades that have shredded my pansy mortal inner-ears to the point of just wanting to go to bed for the rest of the day. And it's only four in the evening. I can't sleep for thirteen hours-that's just crazy. What's also crazy is that I watched Bad Karma. It's only thirty five minutes, but it honestly felt like fifteen. When it started it was already over and I was just left on the floor as a mangled pile of skin, bones and hot disease. This film is dangerous and goes beyond anything you may have experienced while high on shrooms or acid. As a matter of fact, the next time I watch this I should give that a try. Maybe there's a sequel hidden in there somewhere. There's only one way to find out.    

Book update #1

 

Hey, yo, woah zits and zombies-I just wanted to throw an update in your undead way for where I'm at with the Cinema Slayer book! I currently have 15 movies left on my list before I can start ripping my old reviews off of here and convert them into pages for this almighty omnibus of blood, guts and gore. And boobs. And Michelle Bauer wielding a chainsaw. As a hooker. She's always been my favorite 80's scream queen next to Linnea Quigley and probably Barbara Crampton. Or maybe Brinke Stevens. Hell, I love all of them.

I am going to take a break this morning as I am writing this to recharge a little bit so I can start re-watching what's left on my list tomorrow morning when I get my creaky ass out of bed. I'm almost forty now-I can't believe it. Why does everything have to hurt? At least it doesn't hurt when I make a tent in my pants.

That will be the pits when that starts to happen.

Anyway zits and zombies, hope your Christmas season so far has been delightful and full of Santa's ho-ho-ho-ing, riding his sleigh and stabbing people. Christmas colors are red and green, you know? Blood and vomit? God I wish I made it as a writer for my career. Then I could keep the pain inside even longer until I leave it all on the page. Or in the toilet. Which ever comes first. I'll stop now.  

I am off for the winter and my progress on the Cinema Slayer book

 

Tell me why I had to be a Powerslave.

Zits and zombies, the time has finally come with my new place of employment where I am laid off for the winter and will continue working in the spring. I have every plan in the world to get as much as I can done with the Cinema Slayer book, and I still have plenty of work to do.

For starters, I still have 33 films left on my list now that I need to give a second watch and write a whole new review for to shove onto the pages of this loving manuscript. I am going to do everything I can to knock this list out and get everything finalized to get this thing into print and into your rotting little hands before I go back to work next year. There will probably still be some new reviews on here once in awhile, but my main focus right now is this project and I can feel it between the fibers of my muscles and bones that this is something I must accomplish. It's deadly imperative. 

I also have been thinking about this as of late-possibly putting together a second blog or website to showcase my photography. I also want to have physical prints made of my work as well (for myself really) so just in case the digital confines of my pc space decide to crap out on me once again, my art will never be lost or forgotten. I may not be a smart man-I just want to be a realistic and practical one. Sometimes.

Anyway, the main reason for this post was to waste your time letting you inspirational undead know that that's what I will be working on and when the book is finally complete, I will let you all know where and when you can soak your fingers in the blood of my words. Have a piece of mind and praise the seventh son of the seventh son.

Eddie says Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Up the irons.

Stuffings

 

I had a bad feeling about Stuffings right when it started. I don't know what it is with me and Australian films, but I just can't get behind them for some reason. First, Body Melt is one that I've watched more than once to try to get into it and still can't stand it, and now this heap. I really wanted to dig this one mainly because it had been recommended to me on Instagram a long while ago and was festering on my list for the website, just waiting for this time of year to indulge in some new Christmas horror to possibly enjoy and maybe even track down a copy of for the good old collection. I had no expectations or pre-conceived notions about what this could possibly contain, and I was right in doing so on this one because Stuffings can stuff it's sorries in a sack, mister. This was another entry I had to unfortunately throw on my worst of the year list when I put that one together sometime next year and it's also a victim of not having any energy at all. The tank was already dry when this thing opened, and just coasted on it's own fumes for the entire run time. I think the heaviest issue with Stuffings though is the lack of what the fuck was actually going on in this picture. I still just don't get what the point of this was at all and the scarecrow Santa's (or whatever they were supposed to be) were just so lame and stupid and I felt absolutely nothing the whole time I was taking notes or even trying to invest in what was happening. The two main characters of Bec and Andy were just annoying as all hell and I really couldn't believe that they had a Youtube channel that even had two subscribers, let alone eventually getting two million before they decided to go on some random camping trip on Christmas Eve. There are so many loose ends here that I don't even think Corey Taylor would even be able to have the talent to gather them up to tie them up into a slipknot-or any kind of knot for that matter.

From what I can actually put together beyond this over baked pan of holiday stuffing is that some fat radio host lady wants this group of people to kidnap and kill four other people by the time Christmas Day comes around so this evil Santa creature thing doesn't kill any of the other kids in the town they live in? I guess?? Honestly, I don't know. Stuffings does commit the ultimate sin that a film can commit in being a piece of shit-it's fucking boring. The majority of the run time here is just Bec and Andy bitching at each other and Andy being obsessed with his phone and recording every single second and every little thing they do for their Youtube videos while Bec wants to take a break from it because it's overwhelming her. That's just scratching the surface of this coiled up, soft served mound of anal evacuation. In between them two engaging that nonsense, all the towns people put up these terribly sloppy Santa scarecrows to keep the demented St. Nick away and my Lord my two year old daughter could honestly do a better job with these things. Most of them are just slung over their fences or thrown onto the side of a tree and look nothing like scarecrows at all. The hay-boy in Weird: The Al Yankovich Story looked better than these damn things do, and it was just laying in his bed for five seconds to confuse his parents when he snuck out to go to a polka party. Man, I can't believe I'm already referencing that movie and I just reviewed it. There's no quality here folks-no quality at all.     

Silence can be uncomfortable. But it can also be heaven.

Take a shot, mate.

These are the worst decorative Santa's I've ever seen.

           "It's not Santa Clause, it looks like crap."

Proposing to Bec may have been a bad idea.

That trail would be great for photography.

Hahahahahaha, this girl is running like the T-1000 from Terminator 2!

Scarecrow Santa is real!

After awhile, any career feels like you're stuck in a machine.

Do people really brush their teeth with no paste and no water?

Holy shit, I thought this old lady was Mrs. Doubtfire for a second.

Wow, what an uneventful kill.

Oh no, Andy is in trouble and this blonde girl is dead.

You're saving children by killing one-okay, this is fucking stupid.

Zits and zombies, I'm always up for a Christmas horror flick I've never seen before. It's my favorite sub-genre in this category besides slashers, and I've sat through a lot of good ones on both ends. Stuffings however, can go stuff itself. There is no amount of anything solid to cull from this one for Christmas time and to be honest (maybe because I don't live in Australia) but this really didn't even feel like a Christmas horror film, let alone any kind of Christmas entry at all. It was to clean and warm looking the entire time and there were no winter coats, snow or ice anywhere in sight. It felt like Santa was being evil during Christmas in July instead of the actual Christmas season, and that's probably another thing to add to my list for this movie getting a lump of coal this year in lieu of what it's really always wanted. To be a real holiday horror movie. This one just needs to stay on the island of misfit toys-forever.  

Blood Harvest

 

Blood Harvest ended up being another one of those b-flicks where the marketing grabs you and doesn't let go. It plays on who the main draw is, where here it's Tiny Tim of all people-it cackles in your face because it knows that you're going to want to sit through this because he's portrayed as the maniacal killer, when in reality it's his brother Gary. Oooops-normally I don't give things up right here when I first start, but the way that things are structured here lends itself to being pretty obvious after the first act piddles itself away and you realize that this microcosm of the world that these people take up space in is only comprised of a small handful. There is a lot of nudity placed into the run time of Blood Harvest, and honestly I didn't think there was going to be any. Hell, with a title like Blood Harvest I was really hoping that it was going to be a gory romp full of eyes being gouged out and Tiny Tim in his clown make-up eating people for dinner, but that's not even close to what takes place in this film about a guy who is so obsessed with his past love that he will do anything to keep her forever-even kill her. I have to say that I really wasn't into Jill as the main character here at all and she just seemed to loose (not in a sexual way) to be the fulcrum in balancing everything that was going on and it bothered me that she was so easily chloroformed by Gary on about two or three different occasions during the film. She just seemed to be to easy of a target and didn't know how to fend anyone off. Maybe under a microscope all the characters here were basically like that except Gary and Sheriff Buckley. Even Tiny Tim himself just seemed weak and underdeveloped, but for Mervo in particular, I believe that was the point.

Jill left for college and came back home to visit her parents. They are nowhere to be found and she has no clue what happened to them. The beginning of Blood Harvest starts off with some guy hanging himself for what seems to be no apparent reason, but then it builds and builds on itself until you realize that someone is killing these four specific people to get to Jill, and I've unfortunately already spoiled who it is and why. There is a pile of weirdness on behalf of Mervo The Magnificent and Gary because they are cut from the same cloth and whoever their parents are or were must be a real treat because they have some serious fucking issues. At one point, Mervo is in a house or cabin, sitting at a table and singing songs about the Bible and looking at pictures of a gutted pig hanging from the ceiling of the barn that Gary is killing everyone in. I just don't get it. I don't think I'm supposed to. Or maybe I'm just not nutty enough. Whatever the case may be, Mervo and his brother are just downright off the wall and that's enough to propel this thing into cult status.

Tears of a clown. Especially Tiny Tim.

This guy's voice is booming without even talking into a mic. 

Normies for the slaughter.

Sweet Lord, Sarah is hot!

I'm confused, so is that a real dead guy hanging in the front door or is that a mannequin?

Marvelous Mervo! The murderous clown!

Paintball is such a great sport.

"How about some meaningless sex?"

Yeah, another day shot to hell.

The good Lord is going to guide Mervo into murdering more people. Or his brother.

Tiny Tim is fucking weird, but damn is he entertaining.

     That carpet is so fucking ugly. It doesn't even look like carpet-it looks like the floor is made out of pizza or spaghetti.

Oh man, Scott-baseball bat to the face!

Zits and zombies, Blood Harvest is a messed up film about obsession, stalking and lust. That is not even remotely close to what I thought it was going to be about, but here it is. And Mervo isn't the murderous clown I was hoping for either, but here it is. There is more nudity than the actual harvesting of blood and plasma, but here it is. Okay, I'll stop with the semantics, but really-even though this film isn't what it really lends it self to be, I enjoyed it fully even with all of it's intrinsic flaws and half-baked characters. Pretty much all of them are throw away except Jill, Gary and Mervo (which is about half of them) and in the end even though I still liked Blood Harvest for what it became after sitting through it, it is still kind of a waste. I would have liked a little more gore to balance things out and Jill should have been a stronger female lead, but hey-not every piece sells the circus. Not every pig yields the bacon and not every Bible saves your soul. Well, maybe they do. I don't know. Just book Mervo The Magnificent for your next birthday party. He'll be happy to do it. Because he just wants to see the world smile one last time.    

Hellmaster

 

Just because your shitty horror flick (somehow) has the legendary John Saxon starring in it, doesn't mean that it's going to be worthwhile. Hellmaster does in fact have him shoved inside of itself for the money (it had to be) because there is little to nothing here to redeem. The cover art for the film would lead it's potential audience to believe that this Freddy Krueger, pin-less Pinhead looking motherfucker is the main villain, but how dubious have we become. Well, by 1992 standards anyway. The person or demon (or whatever) that is so graciously emblazoned front and center to suck you in is in this thing only for a few minutes and ends up being one of Saxon's minions of sorts to continue his stupid experiments to try and turn a bunch a college idiots into these bizarre Jones Cult follower thingies. Yeah, Jones Cult. What does that sound like to you? Hellmaster comes in luke warm and barely even retains that energy by the time John Saxon bites it and revels in it's lethargy until the credits rolled which made me feel bitter and empty on the inside. It wasn't quite that bad, but this piece is pretty fucking awful to say the least, and it has basically nothing going for it. I never bothered to look, but if this made it on blu-ray, I just have to ask why. Who is going to get into this unless you're a die hard John Saxon fanatic that must have all of his films or someone that loves to torture themselves to the point of wanting to swallow an entire bottle of bleach and aspirin at the same time. Better get your will and obituary written out now because it's starting to look kind of dark in here.

The whole idea for this petrified turd is that Saxon's character is some kind of scientist or cult leader that has been continuing the Nietzche Experiment for the last twenty plus or so years underground at a college campus, and now that he finally feels like it's doing what it's supposed to, he has his mutant "children" attack and kidnap the students there to inject them with this disgusting looking vanilla pudding looking shit that turns them into goblin-Jones Cult freaks as well. The Jones Cult logo is branded into their foreheads and it very much resembles the Blue Oyster Cult logo as well. Coincidence? I think not. At least BOC is a kick ass metal band-Hellmaster is just a fucking sloppy, slow, sluggish pile of vomit from a rhino's asshole, steaming with an infection that would take years to remedy if not for modern medical science. Who am I kidding-that shit is a scam as well. Fuck it, if you sit through Hellmaster, consider yourself sick forever. You'll never recover from it.

Them? I thought this was called Hellmaster.

    Being a writer is lonely work, and that's why I love it.

What do I see? I see John Saxon wearing some terrible movie make-up.

  If this college program is government funded, it's time to walk out.

Joel has as much charisma as a dried up starfish.

Smile, Christ is watching from the cross!

And King Diamond said that nuns have no fun. Looks like murder is part of their jubilation.

What the fuck does this douche-bag not wearing any underwear have anything to do with anything?

Damn, everyone in this movie is so lame.

John Saxon Jones. Has a golden ring to it.

"A lot of teenagers are dying for a drink."

Hanging this pig out to dry-care for some bacon?

I knew there were other reasons to be into photography besides art.

Zombie cop or Hellcop-either one would be a great movie title.

Hey man, if you're looking to join the Tunnel Snakes, you're going the wrong way.

Zits and zombies, I fucking hated everything about Hellmaster. Every single thing. I couldn't stand the characters, the music, the cinematography-none of it. It was all shit. This fun sized Baby Ruth I am eating as I write this looks like a little piece of dried toilet waste that my daughter would leave in her diaper after she eats, but at least Baby Ruth's taste amazing. Hellmaster leaves a gigantic elephant pile wherever it pleases and expects you to enjoy cleaning it up. Fuck you, Hellmaster. I suspect you were potty trained at some point so how's about you go in the damn toilet where you're supposed to instead of by my front door. You fucking Jones Cult degenerate. And take John Saxon with you-he needs to find better work for himself. I hope he was paid well enough for this because if I was him, I would leave this shit off of my resume' and refuse to autograph memorabilia for it at conventions. Hellmaster doesn't exist as far as I'm concerned. Now it's time to watch a real horror flick with the word hell in the title. Doug Bradley, here I come. 

Dead Dudes In The House

This is one of those slasher flicks that ended up having multiple names when it was released, but Dead Dudes In The House in my opinion is the one that suits it best purely from a marketing stand point. The cover art alone will tell you if this one could be for you, but then again it's a funny lie right to your face because this 80's/90's boy band inspired still shot has absolutely nothing to do with the actual film itself, and none of these righteous dudes here on the cover are even in the film at all anyway. It's there to suck you into it's faux world of heavy gore, violence, a jackass breaking a tombstone that wakes a demented old lady who just loves to kill people and of course whenever one of the guys get stabbed-they end up being a dead dude in the house. When I first started watching this on Tubi, I really didn't know what I was going to be getting myself into because the infamous Troma music and city skyline popped up to let me know that this was going to be either a complete waste of time like the movie that tainted my taste for their catalogue many years ago-Loony In The Woods, or it was going to be a more enjoyable experience by them like, what else, The Toxic Avenger. The former made such a strongly negative impact on me when I wrote a review for it back in 2017 that I'm pretty sure that I vowed never to watch anything from the New Jersey giant ever again-and since then, I truly haven't. Until Dead Dudes In The House. This isn't a film put out by them that was ever going to change my mind at all, but really was a good time that if you are a fan of gore and buckets and buckets of more gore with some great special effects to go along with it, then yeah-being a dead dude in a house certainly doesn't disappoint.

   Bob decides that it's a funny and somewhat good idea to break a seemingly random tombstone that's in the yard of the house that his friend Mark just bought to live in. It's a huge (literally and figuratively) fixer-upper, and they all go as a large group to try to tackle this thing and get it back into living condition so, what else-Mark can move into it. It's a monstrous task, but it has to be done, even if Annabelle does start killing everyone. I really wasn't expecting the amount of blood to be present here as there is, and if that's what you're looking for, it lives up to it in spades. Bob is just a downright asshole and I couldn't wait for him to get sliced up by Annabelle. And that's another thing-she's one helluva strong old lady. The film never really says how old she is, but she has to at least live up to or exceed the triple digits and never seems to miss a step-even as slow as she is. These dudes are to stupid to realize what's going on until it's to late, and then when they do, Annabelle puts up a tremendous fight and picks them off one by one and then locks them in the house so they can't leave. Serves them right I guess-well, Bob anyway. He's really the only one that actually deserves any of this. For busting up Annabelle's tombstone. And for being an unsavory dickhead.

Sippin' some lemonade while your grandma stabs your grandpa. Okay then.

If you want vegetables, you're already surrounded by them.

Yeah-put your head in that noose. That grave was meant for you, Bob.

"A carpenter's tools are a hammer, nails and beer." You sound like a tool by just saying that.

Can Bob just get killed already? I can't stand this motherfucker.

I guess Mark is the first dead dude in the house.

This house is sealed up for real-no one can come in or out.

You never know when you'll need a machete.

How hard could it really be to kill a 90 year old woman?

Joey is the second dead dude in the house. Well, he was killed outside but whatever. He's still dead.

"You're next! You won the lottery, Jackson!"

Damn, this old lady is brutal!

"Why am I friends with you?" "Because I'm a great guy."

Steve's a dead dude in the house now too. He looks like Frankensteve. Permanently.

When it comes down to it zits and zombies, Dead Dudes In The House was a pure blast. I had way more fun with it than I thought I would have and I really do recommend it if you're in the mood for something that's going to offer you plenty of gore and violence by the hands of an angry old lady that was awakened by a clown shoe that though it was a great idea to break a tombstone for no reason other than the fact that he's a clown shoe. Yeah, when Bob finally bites it it becomes more worth it to sit through because he's getting his just desserts and it tastes very good. There really is no plot to speak of here either because it starts off literally with a young girl (whom is Annabelle's granddaughter) drinking lemonade, staring at the aftermath of what's left of her grandma stabbing the shit out of her grandpa. Then forty years later, Mark and his friends show up to clean up the place so he can move in and they get a sweet surprise they didn't expect. The plot is paper thin, but in this case, it doesn't matter-all that matters here is that there's dead dudes in the house and they're ready to party. Jump around, jump around-jump, jump, jump, jump around.