Tuesday, November 26, 2019

It Waits

When I found It Waits on dvd from Anchor Bay earlier this year for a couple bucks I was enticed. The box cover is straight black with a really cool looking demon/gargoyle looking thing showing it's teeth while the title itself is spray painted red right next to it as if it's blood dripping in a sinister way to draw you in to get you excited. This is another flick where the idea and the marketing are better than the actual product. Snake oil-a placebo if you will. You'll take this to feel better, and feel better you will... but it's not real because this film just straight sucks. I'll say two positive things about It Waits-Cerina Vincent is sexy as hell as forest ranger Danielle St. Claire, and some of the production values for this are decent. Other than that, I really just need all of you undead to stay away from this fright offering from Anchor Bay. Shame on you. I hope you guys see this so you can pick yourselves back up and get into releasing great horror again like you used to because this is unacceptable. Three quarters of this piece is wasted on exposition that builds up what's going on with Danielle and her ranger partner Justin and some plot point about her drinking on duty because of what happened the night before or the week before or whatever. It really doesn't matter. Once you get past her characters' personal bullshit and she confides in Justin that she was the one who was drinking and driving instead of her friend Julie, then the tone completely changes from you feeling depressed and sorry for Danielle to you needing to have a boner for them having sex in the guard tower. Just like that. No transition, no screen wipe-nothing. Just "hey, I killed my best friend from drinking and driving" to Justin getting on her and in her. Wow man. Wow.

I think hiking with a gps is cheating, isn't it?

You just took the same picture of the same bones twice. Jeez.

"If you wanna score with the jewel master, you've got to have game!"

Getting hammered, alone, is always the answer.

You have a gun, what is there to be afraid of?

Alright Justin-I think you do want to know.

   Dead possum sandwiches and some fine northern elk piss-sounds yummy.

What a surprise-Danielle was driving instead of Julie.

Okay, so Danielle admits to Justin that she was the one driving the jeep instead of Julie, she dies in the accident, talks about it and now they are having sex with some shitty Sheryl Crow type music playing over it. Wow.

 Maybe it was bigfoot-you don't know.

Slick move-you left your wife alone in the forest by herself. Justin should have shot your ass.

I wish this movie was that short and sweet.

You're going to have to will it to be a good day pretty hard after all that's happened so far.

  After letting It Waits brew in my mind for 24 hours, I think the main issue with it is that it tries to hard. The pace of it isn't that great and the ending and everything leading up to it is just tired and so unexciting. I'm not even going to flinch at spoiling what the creature looks like or how Danielle defeats it in the last few moments because I don't want you to watch this. You have better things to do with your life. When the monster is finally revealed, it basically looks likes a solid mix of Pumpkinhead, a xenomorph from Alien and a little bit of the demon from Jeepers Creepers. Yeah, and the way Danielle kills it is so fucking lazy because she shoots it with her rifle numerous times and it really does nothing, but right at the end she kills it with two sticks of dynamite. This is supposedly some God-like creature that's over 1,000 years old that can stand up to anything and she kills it with two sticks of dynamite. Jesus Christ. I'm done. More alcohol can't save me now. Maybe it can. Let's find out.    

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