The Soultangler (Bleeding Skull! vhs)

If there ever was a trash-horror epic that touched my heart, it would be The Soultangler. This is one of the most recent additions to my collection (along with the Bleeding Skull! dvd of Night Feeder) and it's definitely a warm welcome. Pat Bishow put his heart, soul (heh) and twenty dollars in his back pocket into this flick. And it shows. It's premium horror-garbage that any hardcore fan of a good, solid SOV film can appreciate. There were quite a few scenes in The Soultangler that almost made me feel as if it were a sequel to the insane Canadian monstrosity known as Things. Or maybe directed by the same two guys. It's complete with cringe-worthy dialogue, atrocious voice dubbing, very forced and oaken acting, and about two hundred shots of the same damn medical side cut of the anatomy of a guy's head every other scene. It's hilarious, bizarre and fun. And that's how you know that's it's a trashy thrill ride that you're going to love.  

"After life. After death. The madness begins."

Surgery looks tasty.

Even in a back-pocket funded horror flick, the media is annoying.

This Jessica chick kind of looks like a bald eagle.

A most hilarious scene where a van runs over a stoner/hippie looking guy. And then his body just vanishes into thin air.

Zodiac killer?

Bitch slapped by a hammer!

Finally, a movie with a zombie priest.

All this Castle girl does is smoke. I haven't seen her eat anything at all.

Too much lens flare!

That looks like the silliest satanic worship documentary I've ever seen.

Psoriasis is a bitch.

The Soultangler has plenty of violence and gore. There's a scene where Kim (Castle) stomps a strange looking doll in the middle of a street and it's full of blood. A guys head gets cut off about 3/4 of the way and a ton of blood squirts out. The skin off of a skull is ripped off and the eyes and brain are completely exposed. They get curb stomped. This film kicks ass. I'm almost willing to say that I like it more than Video Violence as my favorite SOV flick, and that's nuts because that's been my number one since I started getting into this. Thank you Bleeding Skull! and Mondo for printing this on vhs for all of us cinema dumpster divers to enjoy. My soul sings for you. Now get lost.  

Phobias (A Night to Dismember boxset)

         That's it. I've had it. Enough is enough. I will never watch a movie with the Sub Rosa name attached to it ever again. I only made it through the first three out of twelve films in this set, and I'm spent. How does this studio/distributor even still exist? Do they make any money? As in profitable money? Paycheck money? Extra cheddar? (smears hands down the front of face) Jesus can't be real with a movie studio like this, can he? I mean, I'm a pretty big fan of bad movies in the realm of Things, Sledghammer, The Janitor, Street Trash... you get it. Those films are entertaining because they're bad. Sub Rosa spits out celluloid garbage that isn't worth watching at all. They just shouldn't even exist. There is absolutely no reason for it. But you know what? These flicks are for people with pizza faces and no self-esteem. Cue "Self-Esteem" by The Offspring. When they were good. When they were actually a punk band. These flicks are also for people that are constantly high or drunk who have nothing better to do with their time than to trip balls in the basement and shit in the corner for laughs. Well, I'm not laughing. Zits and zombies, Sub Rosa is on my list for the shittiest film distributor of all time. Even lower than Curse on Blanchard Hill.

Phobias is split into two separate short films. Hence the two different sets of notes.

 Blackout

Drinking coffee, covered in blood.

Longest, most pointless police interrogation ever.

Black eyed Betty.

Black out!

Is that any way to greet a woman you don't know, Derek?

It's kind of creepy living by yourself.

That un-dead, zombie guy kind of looks like Grandpa from the original TCSM.

"The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup."

That's it? That's the end?

When Shadows Lie Darkest

Is it real?

I'm leaving you.

Pointless pelicans.

Your girl is not that hot and she's on cocaine. Tough break, bro.

  Dean the bug guy.

Honestly, I fell asleep about half way through the second film in Phobias. That's why my notes end so abruptly. It's not like I'm missing anything anyway. Steve, if you're reading this-I'm not your friend anymore. Just kidding. I just now consider myself an official hater of Sub Rosa and I wouldn't have it any other way. Now, if you excuse me, I have to drop the Cosby kids off at the pool. And the daughter's name is Sub Rosa. 

Last House on Hell Street (A Night to Dismember boxset)

Last House on Hell Street. Wow. I was so bored that I started licking the batteries in my dvd player remote so I could stay awake. If there ever was or is the ultimate endurance film, I think Last House might get pretty damn close to being worse than Curse on Blanchard Hill. And on the other side of the shit scale when it comes to low or no budget horror, that's fucking saying something. I came so very close to gouging my eyes out with the very pen that I use to slop down notes while watching these gems so that I didn't have to endure the rest. But some empty, sick part of me kept urging me to keep going. I just really wish I was on acid, LSD or shrooms for the duration of this bowel movement because that's the only thing that would have kept me interested besides beer and breasts. And there were barely any of those.

 This opening credit sequence is way to fucking long.

Can we get to the goddamn movie already?!

You need to be baked like a Christmas ham to even remotely appreciate this.

Yeah, break that cross into pieces! Yeah, butcher that bitch! Yeah!

It's not my child! Pray! Die! Shut up!

Shots of trees with people talking backwards over them is supposed to be creepy?

I laughed. I cried. I ate Clancy's BBQ flavored potato chips from Aldi.

They were running on top of river water so they must be related to Jesus.

How I, my analog tv or my dvd player never hung ourselves out of pure, straight boredom during this "film" boggles the mind. Jesus H. Christ.

At the end of the day, Last House on Hell Street is 70 minutes of field frolicking, backward talking trees and some chick that keeps blabbering on with an inverted color filter effect whenever she's on screen. I never, ever want to see or hear about this piece of shit ever again. And I'm still not going to church. 

Insaniac (A Night to Dismember boxset)

A Night to Dismember is a box set that I borrowed from Steve over this past weekend and I already had that terrible feeling brewing deep down that this was going to be a shit-filled journey. The very first movie that is listed on the back of the box is a 2002 film called "Insaniac" which already connotes that I'm probably either going to bleed from the eyes while watching it or just run out into oncoming traffic after it's over. I was correct either way. Insaniac is the equivalent of being room-spinning drunk, high as a kite and half conscious while watching static on a tv at full volume. You don't know what the fuck is going on. The only last piece of wording I can muster before writing my various chunks I jotted down during this suicide heap is that whoever directed Insaniac needs to see a damn psychiatrist. 

Greatest party dance of all time.

Ugly ass lesbos.

Is this supposed to be a Halloween party or... what is this?

I hope this shitty, repetitive electronic music doesn't last through the whole film.

I've never heard of anyone meeting someone at the library that they wanted to date.

Are you Jesus?!  

This Jesus guy loves shooting guns at nothing.

And the point of taking apart a telephone is....?

There is a tv with a giant glowing eye on the screen swinging from a rope. OOOooooookkkkkkk.

"Hang Loose."

Some woman's kitchen sink is full of mud from the backyard.

I see myself. I see myself. I see myself. I see myself. I see myself. 

After 45 minutes, I don't fucking get it.

Even earlier than that at the 20 minute mark, I lost the will to keep track of what the fuck was going on in this "movie." I did watch about 95% of this piece of elephant excrement only to randomly fall asleep. So what did I do? Rewind to where I fell asleep of course! And what was the ending? A repeat of the same fucking thing I saw before I fell asleep!!!!! Yeah, that's right, the last quarter of this film is the same damn thing as the first! It's only the first film in this set and I already want to jump head first into a meat grindeeeeerrrrrrr!!!!! It can only get worse from here zits and zombies- I just hope that I can make it.

Rl Stine's Haunting Hour: Don't Think About It

 

I normally don't look for these sort of of teen/tween type of movies, especially Halloween themed ones. Every once in a while though, one catches my eye and for some reason I feel compelled to check it out. Maybe it's because my wife and I and some friends recently saw the Goosebumps movie (which was kick-ass by the way) or because this particular R.L. Stine film boasts Tobin Bell on the front cover of the dvd. Or maybe I was just in that rare mood where I wanted something light and Halloween themed at the same time. Whatever the case may be, I actually had some fun watching this on Netflix, and truthfully, I might even get the dvd next time we make a Walmart run. It's only five bucks. Yeah I know- I'm 30, not 13.

Tobin Bell?!

There's a monster in your closet!

"Ultra Gorgonzola"- that's a hilarious name for a video game, dad! 

Cassie's room kicks ass!

Stop it mom- there's nothing wrong with being goth. Or a non-conformist.

C'mon Cassie- that kid looks like a lame douchebag.

Cue the stupid, preppy cheerleader bitches!

This random Halloween store looks epic... and Tobin Bell is the shop keep? Hotchka!

I'm half expecting the Billy Doll to come around the corner.

I love Halloween parties.

How does it feel, you uptight bitch?

Grotesque front yard-well done good sir.

Better ingredients. Better pizza. Papa Johns.

"The Evil Thing" is kind of like a Deathclaw from Fallout and the alien from The Deadly Spawn had a kid.

 As I said in at the start, I had fun watching this one. Cassie did a fantastic job getting that preppy bitch back for embarrassing her in front of the whole school during lunch time by filling the Halloween pinata with live cockroaches. And then when said bitch busted it open in front of the whole school at the Halloween dance, they all fell on her, she freaks out and tumbles right onto the cake next to the stage. Karma's a bitch. If your in the mood for something Halloween themed but also want it to be light hearted, give this a go. Where's my trapper keeper?    

Happy Birthday To Me (vhs)

 

Happy Birthday To Me is another one of the many movies I borrowed from Steven (Champaign) when I first decided to get into this insane hobby. He randomly gave it to me to borrow along with Return to Sleepaway Camp and House of the Devil. Those two flicks kick ass. I actually wrote a post about Return awhile ago. I really enjoyed Happy Birthday even though it's basically another run of the mill slasher, I thought it was pretty well put together. And there aren't too many that revolve around someone's birthday. The "Crawford's Top Ten" need a good swift kick in the pants anyway. Bunch of yuppie bastards.

 Who names their bulldog Winston?

This guy never stops.

Typical outsider bullshit.

George is a rat. Get over it.

Someone's a creepy stalker.

Is Virginia really listening to a 70's funk cassette while getting undressed?

That static discharge was ssssoooo fake.

I never knew motocross was so exciting!

Face-first dirt bike smoothie!

Reminds me of Re-Animator. Severed head in a tray.

It's the best when yuppies fight among themselves. Quality entertainment.

Bench pressing is pretty grueling, isn't it?

Brain surgery always looks so uncomfortable.

All Alfred wants to do is stuff Virginia. Heh. I couldn't resist.

  Maxwell loves his wine, women and shish kebab... shoved down his throat! That's the death scene that is most talked about in this film and I don't think it could make it without it. You'll never see anyone get killed with a shish kebab except for in Happy Birthday to Me. Damn, now I want to grill some of those. See you at Jewel.

Boardinghouse (Theatrical 98 minute cut)

 

Boardinghouse, in general, is bonkers. Flat out bonkers. I can't even believe that this was the very first SOV ever put out by anyone, and somehow it made it's way into theaters! That's insane! I actually wonder how many people stayed until the end of this film after realizing that this isn't your typical high-end production material. This is pure b-c-z grade insanity that could have only come from Johnn Wintergate and his knockout of a wife, Kalassu. They knew what they were doing when they put this thing together and they made it as out in left field as they possibly could. They also incorporated "Horror Vision" which is basically when something really gory or brutal is about to happen in the film, a really psychedelic screen with a black-gloved hand pops up and then you see the gore. Plus there's plenty of titties and female nudity. I love the 80's. 

Police files on what seems to be an Apple II- Love!

This guy fell in the pool... why?

When this chicks hand gets ground up in the garbage disposal, the song "Grinder" from Judas Priest popped in my head.

Did this chick really just hang herself with pantyhose?!

 Some of the worst poser metal I've ever heard.

I wish I could practice yoga in my office, in a white thong, at 2pm by the window.

I need to open a boardinghouse so I can have women do my laundry naked.

That's the grimiest shower I've seen in a long time. Who am I kidding- boobies!

Worst sex scene ever filmed. Ever. 

So many wardrobe malfunctions.

Electro!!

I'm sick of seeing James in a thong.

Richard is a douche. A rapist, piece of shit douche.

Victoria gives me a boner.

Was it really necessary to kill the cat with a hammer?! 

There's a reason why in the title I added that the version I watched was the theatrical cut, because that's what I watched. The version that was in the theater. I just recieved the 2-disc re-print of Boardinghouse that just came out October 27th and I wanted to just experience the movie in general first and sweet Jesus... I can't wait to see the un-cut version! Apparently it's roughly 2.5 hours and I really have no clue what more could possibly be in this film that already isn't there. There's already plenty of violence, brutal deaths, terrible dialogue, nonsensical scenes, half-assed editing. It's all there. Maybe there's more of Victoria in the nude. Excuse me. I need to use the restroom.