The Dead Don't Die (blu-ray)

Just from the opening scene with Bill Murray and Adam Driver in The Dead Don't Die, I could already feel that this was going to be an extremely dry, slow burning effort from a director that I'm pretty sure I've never seen any of his other films from. The attitude and nonchalance from Cliff and Ronnie (Murray and Driver) doesn't lend any sense of depth or urgency really to anything that takes place in this zombie flick, especially later on when they start coming upon people who have already been eaten or dismembered in some way. They make a stale joke that really doesn't land, shrug the discovery off and kind of just move on like this shit is normal somehow. It's kind of bothersome and just made the film drag even more than it really should have. There are a few funny moments that actually caught me off guard and made me laugh like the scene towards the beginning with Steve Buscemi wearing a "keep america white again" baseball hat (which we all know what double meanings there are there) in which the waitress asks him if he wants some coffee and he responds with "I can't drink that stuff anymore. It's too black for me" with Danny Glover sitting right next time him. It's a stupid racist joke, but it made me laugh because I didn't expect it for some reason. Beyond random little scenes like that and the zombie make-up and cinematography, there really isn't a lot to find here that's entertaining zits and zombies. A lot of setups with side characters go nowhere and I kind of just felt like all of these people were stuffed into the first half to have reasons for the second half of the movie to exist-which, of course, is the zombies coming to life and eating people. Because of the arctic poles being thrown off and making the earth come off it's axis I guess. 

Bill Murray is looking old.

 Hermit Bob likes raw chicken.

Daylight savings always messes up the time. I can't stand it.

Those are some pretty big ant hills.

Did they... just break the fourth wall or am I going insane?

What's worse-"keep america white again" or "make america great again". You decide.

Tasty, tasty toadstools.

Ah, the days of gun racks in your living room.

Of course the new undertaker is Tilda Swinton. Why am I not surprised.

  Even zombies love coffee.

How shitty does an energy drink called "energy drink" really taste?

I never realized that Selena Gomez had such a great ass.

  Your first clue are the graves with the gigantic holes in front of them.

 There isn't really anything left for me to touch on in terms of The Dead Don't Die. There is a strange sub-plot where Zelda (Swinton) is Scottish and she's also some crazy master swordsman who can behead anyone or anything with ease. And she gets picked up by a ufo right in the middle of a huge group of zombies and it zips away. No explanation, no results of this happening-nothing. She just gets picked up and Murray says "I always knew there was something weird about her". And that's it. Move on to the next scene. Zits and zombies, if you need a zombie flick to quench your thirst, The Dead Don't Die will leave you high and dry because it's parched itself. With a massive cast like what this thing has, you would think this would have been a pinnacle in at least some sort of horror comedy, but it isn't. It falls very short and very flat, and I can't really say anything beyond it being a purgatory movie. Once is enough. Now I need to practice my Buddha-samurai sword skills so maybe a ufo can come grab me off of this rock.   

Mandy (blu-ray)

Mandy is love. Mandy is hate. Mandy is rage. Mandy is revenge. Mandy is drugs. Mandy is a trip. Mandy is an amazingly psychedelic horror flick that was released last year which I completely didn't pay any attention to. One year late is better than ten and this really is, in my solid opinion, Nic Cage's best. Seriously. He really doesn't have much dialogue in the overall 121 minute run of this magnificent opus of gore, payback and completely destroying a cult individual by individual-and he doesn't need the dialogue. What happens in this world of narcissistic assholes showing their penis', logging, chainsaw fights and LSD laced scenes of awkwardness comes Red... all guns blazing, fueled by absolute vengeance, alcohol and the smallest dose of the strongest mind-altering drug that I think I may have missed the name of to conclude this beastly endeavor of cinematic proportions. If I saw this picture last year, I'm pretty sure this would have been my number one or two pick at the top of the list. This is an expertly crafted film about Red and Mandy who live in their home together in the middle of the woods in 1983, minding their own business. A fucking psychotic cult named The Children of the New Dawn ends up bypassing their house while Mandy is out in the woods for a walk and some inspiration to work on some new art, and of course she catches the eye of the cult leader, Jeremiah Sand. They decide they want to kidnap her and they summon their cenobite-wannabe biker junkie friends to get her while they are sleeping and tie Nic Cage up with barbed wire. Jeremiah basically drugs her up and tries to brainwash her into joining, but she laughs at his micro-penis in front of everyone in the cult, and then they dispose of her. Horribly. And let Nic Cage watch. So now the revenge begins.

I want headphones playing Kreator in my ears when I'm dead.

 Nic Cage can do anything. Even be a lumberjack.

     King Crimson are among the prog rock greats.

 Maybe I should have dropped acid before all of these weird colors came up.

Dead deer appear in nature all the time.

What the.... who tells kids it's okay to kill baby birds with a crowbar?!

Well, if it isn't a van full of shifty looking motherfuckers.

Is that the ocarina of time from Zelda?  No, it's the ocarina of summoning junkie biker bitches.

There's all kinds of weirdo cults out there.

Dammit, why does an insect have to be involved? Kill it with fire!

What do I see? I see a fucking fruitcake who lives in his mom's basement that wants to believe he's a cult leader.

I just want to see Nic Cage come and shoot the place up or burn it down. Either way-this dude needs his.

I really have only pointed out the basic scenes of what really takes place in Mandy, because this is a special film that needs to be experienced by anyone and everyone who is a revenge flick fan, a Nic Cage fan and a horror fan. The cinematography is superb, the really trippy looking colors that are implemented in specific ways to make you feel high whether you actually are or not and the very spaced and ominous score truly elevates this thing to a whole new level. Zits and zombies, I have never seen a movie that has looked like this EVER, which nowadays is a goddamn achievement because it really shows that there still are new and fresh ideas out there that no one wants to touch because they're to much of a risk. Hollywood and the people that fit into it would rather play it safe with film these days because it makes them money-but I would rather have stuff like this come out that brings the art side of things back to the forefront to make everyone realize that it's tired and boring to keep vomiting up the same shit over and over again. I keep hearing about the remake of the remake of Black Christmas. Yeah-time to pray to the porcelain god.   

Satanic Panic

It has been a long while since I've watched anything with Rebecca Romijn starring in it, and that goes for Jerry O'Connell as well. They are both great at what they do, and you can tell in the recent Satanic Panic that they also love what they do which lends themselves to creating some really great and real feeling characters that never hold back about their rich and evil life styles. There is a similar message in this flick compared to the insane 80's body horror classic Society where the rich stay richer by engaging and being involved in a lot of questionable acts of selfishness and perversion behind closed doors. And when $102 worth of pizza is ordered and delivered to the Ross residence by Sam, that's when this chaotic situation opens up and you're in for a funny and gory ride containing Satan worship, black magic, Rebecca Romijn in a really hot red dress for 95% of the film and Jerry O'Connell sitting on an incredibly expensive multi-sectional sofa while vaping and watching football. Sure, it doesn't sound like anything to exciting on the surface, but Satanic Panic is very well directed and written. I pretty much have nothing to complain about with this film which is also the first time in a long time, except that maybe some of the jokes here and there don't land very well, but that's extremely minor compared to everything else that this picture gets right. The gore and the special effects were incredible as well as the pace and the way everything flowed. There was little to no down time and I just wanted to keep going with it until the very end.  

Why do grown men insist on wearing skinny jeans these days.

There's always a price to pay for sex in the morning.

I didn't know that Michael Clark Duncan owned a pizzeria.

What does a sweater that smells like racism smell like? I probably don't want to know.

Shit-Rebecca Romijn looks killer in red!

 Vaping and football. I'm glad I'm not a bro.

Shooting yourself by accident is why you need to practice gun safety. Fucking idiot.

Umm.... okay. She took his heart. Literally.

I know it's not funny, but it is. Seeing a 10 year old boy get fucking punched in the face by Sam slayed me.

A drill-do! That's amazing!

"Get your big tits in gear, they know were here."

Basin Mills reminds me of Naperville. Just saying.

No-that wasn't a rip-off of the box art from Gabriel Knight:The Beast Within.

I'm convinced that this satanic ritual is real. It feels real.

 After all of the devil worship horror flicks and horror comedies that I've consumed over the last decade, for me, Satanic Panic really came out as one of the better offerings for either side of this particular coin. It really is crafted that well and the cult that Sam gets pulled into after they figure out that she's a virgin feels like a group that probably exists in real life that hasn't been found or exposed yet. All I have to say is that any cult that feels that Rebecca should wear a red dress around the whole time the way she does is a religion I'll sign up for. Produce the papers for me to sell my soul because here I come. I'm safe-I'm not a virgin or a woman so, yeah. Where's Basin Mills, again?

It Waits

When I found It Waits on dvd from Anchor Bay earlier this year for a couple bucks I was enticed. The box cover is straight black with a really cool looking demon/gargoyle looking thing showing it's teeth while the title itself is spray painted red right next to it as if it's blood dripping in a sinister way to draw you in to get you excited. This is another flick where the idea and the marketing are better than the actual product. Snake oil-a placebo if you will. You'll take this to feel better, and feel better you will... but it's not real because this film just straight sucks. I'll say two positive things about It Waits-Cerina Vincent is sexy as hell as forest ranger Danielle St. Claire, and some of the production values for this are decent. Other than that, I really just need all of you undead to stay away from this fright offering from Anchor Bay. Shame on you. I hope you guys see this so you can pick yourselves back up and get into releasing great horror again like you used to because this is unacceptable. Three quarters of this piece is wasted on exposition that builds up what's going on with Danielle and her ranger partner Justin and some plot point about her drinking on duty because of what happened the night before or the week before or whatever. It really doesn't matter. Once you get past her characters' personal bullshit and she confides in Justin that she was the one who was drinking and driving instead of her friend Julie, then the tone completely changes from you feeling depressed and sorry for Danielle to you needing to have a boner for them having sex in the guard tower. Just like that. No transition, no screen wipe-nothing. Just "hey, I killed my best friend from drinking and driving" to Justin getting on her and in her. Wow man. Wow.

I think hiking with a gps is cheating, isn't it?

You just took the same picture of the same bones twice. Jeez.

"If you wanna score with the jewel master, you've got to have game!"

Getting hammered, alone, is always the answer.

You have a gun, what is there to be afraid of?

Alright Justin-I think you do want to know.

   Dead possum sandwiches and some fine northern elk piss-sounds yummy.

What a surprise-Danielle was driving instead of Julie.

Okay, so Danielle admits to Justin that she was the one driving the jeep instead of Julie, she dies in the accident, talks about it and now they are having sex with some shitty Sheryl Crow type music playing over it. Wow.

 Maybe it was bigfoot-you don't know.

Slick move-you left your wife alone in the forest by herself. Justin should have shot your ass.

I wish this movie was that short and sweet.

You're going to have to will it to be a good day pretty hard after all that's happened so far.

  After letting It Waits brew in my mind for 24 hours, I think the main issue with it is that it tries to hard. The pace of it isn't that great and the ending and everything leading up to it is just tired and so unexciting. I'm not even going to flinch at spoiling what the creature looks like or how Danielle defeats it in the last few moments because I don't want you to watch this. You have better things to do with your life. When the monster is finally revealed, it basically looks likes a solid mix of Pumpkinhead, a xenomorph from Alien and a little bit of the demon from Jeepers Creepers. Yeah, and the way Danielle kills it is so fucking lazy because she shoots it with her rifle numerous times and it really does nothing, but right at the end she kills it with two sticks of dynamite. This is supposedly some God-like creature that's over 1,000 years old that can stand up to anything and she kills it with two sticks of dynamite. Jesus Christ. I'm done. More alcohol can't save me now. Maybe it can. Let's find out.    

Stalking Laura

I was in the mood for something more on the psychological side last night, so on Amazon Video my final choice ended up being a film I've never heard of called Stalking Laura. Or I Can Make You Love Me. Which ever title you want to refer to this picture as, this made for t.v. film from 1993 is a damn masterpiece concerning the pathos of a man broken on the inside trying to make a woman that wants nothing to do with him notice him and remember him-at all costs. That's the key here-at all costs in Stalking Laura basically means that Richard Farley literally snaps and goes on a killing spree because Laura Black won't go on a date with him or acknowledge the fact that they are a couple... according to Richard. With each passing scene and every passing interaction that these two characters have with each other, you can just feel the tension and suspense building while the pace of the film leaves you trying to hang on as this thing keeps rolling. Right as the third act comes around is when you can finally get a full grip around the handle of this absolutely insane situation, and it lets you hold on for dear life as everything you learned about Laura and Richard comes to a head and should be popped by a professional. I find it very off-putting zits and zombies that pretty much everything that happens in this flick actually took place in real life, which ultimately led to the state of California passing the very first anti-stalker law back in 1990. It's very horrific and sad that seven people had to lose their lives because of a fucking lunatic like Richard Farley. But all Laura had to do was go on date with him. That's all.

Okay dad, time to let go. Give me a piece of that cherry pie too.

I Can Make You Love Me? I thought this was called Stalking Laura.

 Man this theme music is so 90's.

Every job says that they "are like family" until you see how much everyone hates everyone else.

I love creatives and artsy people.

 Wow, Rich-a little forward, much?

I'm biased, but I'd rather have the photographer's team win the baseball game.

Rich wants to force it because he's a fucking lunatic.

Is that a Pentax or an Olympus? Aw, I can't tell.

Big brother doesn't need to know everything.

     Damn-Christmas is almost here.

Don't give Richard an option... just fire his ass.

Yeah, Rich-we'll see you later. On the 10 o'clock news.

Stalking Laura is probably one of the best made for t.v. movies I've ever seen and it is an amazing character study that doesn't pull any punches in terms of quality and content. A movie like this would never be made today, which is a shame because I'm sure that this type of harassment still happens on a daily basis as it brings to light a psychological issue that I'm pretty sure isn't going to go away just by ignoring it. Do most people who stalk someone take it to the level that Richard did by the third act? Absolutely not, and something like this film can be a nice reminder to watch for certain people that just don't know how to take no for an answer. They need to be dealt with before things go to far and that's why California did what they did after this incident took place back in 1988. Stalking Laura is fantastic and can't be missed by zits and zombies that need their psychology major itch scratched if they are yearning to learn something new about a stalking case. Jesus I need to go to bed.   

The Velocipastor

After being away from you zits and zombies for so long, I decided to finally push my ass back into trying to develop a schedule for myself to try and keep up with my goals in life-and one of them is still to keep Cinema Slayer alive by finding, watching and reviewing the weirdest and oddest horror flicks I can possibly scrounge up. And look here-I found one on Amazon Prime Video called The Velocipastor. Not only is the title absolutely ridiculous and a hilarious play on words, but it also turned out to be fun as hell and I'm pretty sure that if the pastor at the church I used to attend started turning into a full-fledged dinosaur to do good by killing rapists, pedophiles, drug dealers and pimps...then I would be a man of the claw too. But I'm not. And he isn't either. I was worried when The Velocipastor first started within the first ten minutes or so because I just couldn't figure out if this monstrosity was being serious or not, but then it hit me-I'm watching a low budget horror flick about a religious priest named Doug that has the power to transform into a fucking dinosaur to kill people and rid the world of evil once and for all. How could it take itself seriously-it's just not possible. Especially since there is also the inclusion of ninjas for pretty much no reason other than Doug going to "China" for a vacation, only to see a random Asian woman running through the same forest he's hiking through, gets hit by an arrow, gives him a dino-tooth looking stone and tells him that he's "the dragon warrior" or some shit like that, and proceeds from there to become the man of God that can also morph into the cheesiest, grade-school looking dinosaur I've ever seen in my entire life. The animatronics and rubber suits in the t.v. show The Dinosaurs honestly look better than Doug does here in all of his jurassic glory, but really, this film isn't about how good the effects and all of that shit is-it's all reliant on the entertainment value. And it's loaded with it.

     If it's "rated x", then that's all I need to watch it.

VFX: car on fire-so is this a joke or is this edit unfinished?

Back packing across "China"-or someone's backyard in the middle of Virginia. Either way.

Dragon warrior? That's an NES classic!

Damn that was a short trip.

Just kick pimp daddy-o Richard Karn here in the sack and run away. Jesus Christ.

   What are you, gay?! Look at those peaches, brutha!

"There's surprisingly little demand for hooker-doctor-lawyers."

This velocipastor T-wrecks!! Hahahahhaahhhhaaaaahhahhah!!!!!

Over embellished, forced laughing is fun.

"God does not want people dead." Yeah, alright. I'm not even going to get started on that one.

Hell never changes? I thought it was war-war never changes.

  I've never really been a man of the cloth, but after sitting through The Velocipastor, I can for sure be a man of the claw. Honestly the biggest plus about this that I, a cult horror film reviewer can say about this piece is that it being played as straight as a freshly paved highway always makes me feel great speeding down it at 90mph. Windows down, metal up and maybe a beer in the cup holder without a cop finding out, this film delivers the goods on horrible acting, choreography, directing, gore and everything else that would be required for something of this caliber to put a smile on your gingivitis laced gums-The Velocipastor is a fucking win. Church will never be the same anymore because now I'm just expecting to see everyone in the clergy to either be a T-Rex or a raptor delivering a sermon. My saved game on Dragon Warrior from 1986 is still on the cart somehow. Guess it's time to finally save the king's princess.       

Gnaw

The name is short and to the point. The cover art is also short and to the point. The movie doesn't follow the same path however. Gnaw is loaded with some of the most generic, backwoods horror cliches' and audience predictions that could have ever been possibly shoved up it's 90 minute ass-but tries to redeem itself with gross-out scenes and a weird 2-3 person cannibal family where the mother cooks the victims and the son chases the main characters around kingdom come in some stupid looking wolf/bear suit thing that wasn't even menacing or terrifying at all. I mean, really-after taking your initial bite out of the food that was randomly set out on the kitchen table when they found the house in the middle of nowhere and there is hair and a finger nail in it, they didn't think twice? So damn frustrating. So boring. There was little to no tension build up or anything that made me even care about anything in this film, and what busts my balls even more is that this thing could have been solid. The gross-out cannibal idea could have worked if there was actual thought or effort put into this production, but unfortunately there wasn't. The ending just forces you to think that there is going to be a sequel (and there is) but this first offering just makes it reasonably unnecessary to even want to try and bother. If your going to bake a human pot pie, at least make it exciting and flavorful. Not some frozen drivel you can find in the refrigerated section of the dollar store. 

210,000 a year-that's a lot of missing persons.

Come on, Jethro! It's lunch time!

People will never learn that partying deep in the woods somewhere is never a good idea.

Flattest burgers ever.

I've only seen Jack for five seconds and I want him to get eaten already.

It's never to early for a bath.

Skully needs to get his eyes checked. His glasses are all scratched up.

Yeah. Bollocks.

Someone get this guy a respirator, or Darth Vader's helmet for fucks sake.

   Never wake up a sleepwalker.

They're probably really having Jimmy Dean for breakfast.

   So instead of saving your girlfriend from getting turned into a breakfast sausage, you run away. Wow.

Gnaw is a picture that I had a feeling I wasn't going to dig, and I was right. It just felt so lazy and vomited out that I'm still wondering more than a week later after watching it why the people involved even bothered. The plot offers nothing new, the characters offer nothing new and the gross-out stuff is really tame and off camera 99% of the time anyway so there isn't anything to garner from this except maybe just pissing 90 minutes down the drain because you feel like it. I didn't feel like it-I guess I'm just trying to find pieces of shit to add to my list for my worst of the year because so far I've had good luck in 2019. That's more surprising than anything that took place in Gnaw. I don't really know how to end this. So, I guess just don't watch Gnaw.