The Suckling

Digging into this hobby has it's merits, and becoming desensitized to certain things as a toll really starts to show after awhile. You wouldn't think a film like The Suckling would really even touch the inner fibers that would make a collector and connoisseur like myself wonder what dark corner of the earth I had accidentally stumbled into. Much in the similar vein of the It's Alive trilogy, The Suckling features a killer fetus that wants nothing more than some solid revenge and some killer time with it's mama. But what disturbed me more than anything about this flick is how drenched in grindhouse filth this thing actually is, and could actually physically feel myself wanting to check out. There's a serious depth of "this is a horrible place that I shouldn't be in" that truly reveals how selfish and disgusting we as human beings really can be if we just don't give a shit about anything after a certain point. Aesthetically, these terrible things take place in the upstairs area of a brothel where young people can pay a nominal fee to have a coat hanger abortion (no, seriously) and every single character in this piece is on sickening display just to show how wrong this type of underground practice may or may not actually unfold. I really didn't like anything about this film and I came very close to taking a full-on shower when the credits started rolling. What's visually disturbing though is really how nonchalant the people in this house act towards killing a pretty much full term baby, and then flushing it down the toilet. Only to have radioactive waste drip onto said seed, force it to grow into the monstrosity that you see on the box art, cover the doors and windows in placenta's so no one can go in or out, and then proceed to give everyone what they deserve. So I guess the message of The Suckling is that pro-life is the answer to all of our abortion needs, but hey... it's not my ultimate choice.

    Another text crawl.

Hey, it's raining where I live too.

Sexy nurse with an axe.

This editing is almost as choppy as The Last Slumber Party.

She's right-this house doesn't even look legal.

Quiet in the corner over there you damn doper.

I'm pretty sure that the guy isn't pregnant.

Baby killers-you're all a bunch of fucking baby killers.

Rubber Johnny?

That's one mean baby.

"I'm not like you-I have things to live for." That's funny coming from a guy that's getting his rocks off in a dirty ass brothel.

Family portraits are going to be real difficult from now on.

   Zits and zombies, this is a complete purgatory film. I already know that I will never watch this again mainly because I don't really see any reason for this to exist. As I stated earlier, the people involved probably wanted to make a statement about pro-life versus pro-choice, but in all honesty the grimy, grungy tone of The Suckling just makes it just to damn dark in terms of subject matter for it to even be enjoyable. At the very least, It's Alive III has some sort of a sub-plot happening in the background along with spots of Michael Moriarty's comedically dry antics to keep you entertained throughout, but here it's just a sickeningly selfish ride from beginning to end. Probably the best parts are in the third act after the baby fully mutates and starts killing everyone in the house with plenty of hate, vigor and gore so at least everyone gets what was coming to them. So there is a corner of positivity to try to lean towards, but the journey to get there just suffocates the viewer with an inebriating amount of slime that I'd rather have you not wade through. Just watch only once for the curious, otherwise... use your coat hangers for your hoodies and jackets instead.     

WNUF Halloween Special

Just like Christmas specials and Thanksgiving specials have been (and most likely still are) a thing to illicit the spirit of whatever holiday that they are coinciding with, there are also countless Halloween specials out there to get everyone in the mood for candy, costumes and Satan. Well, maybe not really the devil in his entirety, but just the small parts that have to do with having horns, a red tail and a three pronged pitch fork. Camp Motion Pictures/Alternative Cinema have been my favorite indie horror house and distribution company since terror became my hobby and my love almost nine years ago-and I firmly believe that what they have concocted here with the WNUF Halloween Special really is something special. Just automatically tossing this piece of nostalgic wonderment into the found footage folder next to the likes of The Blair Witch Project and Quarantine really would be one helluva injustice considering the finesse', dedication and genius it must have taken from the Camp crew to put this amazing piece together. It truly feels like you are watching someone else watch a random VHS tape that they found lying around (or maybe that they found at a local Goodwill for a dollar) and curiosity struck a chord for them to slide this into their VCR-and you just happen to be their best friend that was invited to check this thing out. The commercials and ads that are in between the news broadcast hosting the Halloween special really are true-to-life recreations of local businesses trying to promote their services to the community that they live in, and man did that shit bring back memories of the type of commercials like that that I used to soak in when I was little. It does know how to build up that old school tension of sitting there waiting for the main program to start, and when it does there is absolutely nothing but pure excitement. 

The rewinding of a VHS tape. Magnetic memories.

"High Pike" farms-kind of stretching it, aren't we?

Deborah, you cast that spell on me-of witchcraft.

My kids could go trick or treating with the guy that drives the ice cream truck.

A build up to the main event begins.

Witchie poo! That's classic.

It's blasphemy that you don't want kids to have a good time by dressing up and getting candy.

Yeah Mrs. Harris, I am going to laugh because of how pathetic you sound.

I'm going to Tokens to play some Gauntlet! Hell yeah!!

      1-900-Monster? Give 976-Evil a shot. Hoax is waiting.

 Damn, this Webber house story could be real.

Zits and zombies, if you were at all growing up in the 80's and remember anything from watching television during that era, the WNUF Halloween Special is an absolute blast to sit through. There really isn't much to complain about here except that maybe some of the scenes during the film get fast forwarded through that you would more than likely want to see and there are a couple of the same commercials that do repeat, but that honestly just adds more to the realism of making this feel like it was all taped off of t.v. and was lost in your friends' sock drawer for the last 30 or so years and just rediscovered it a few days ago. The actual Halloween special itself is great and really is something that would have been aired during the late 80's, complete with corny jokes, paranormal mediums and a priest that really isn't a priest. Oops. It builds itself into something sinister and somewhat obvious at the finale, but there was never anything that detracted from the fun of it all. Turn your dials to channel 28 because this it-this is the special you've all been waiting for. Anything is better than the Star Wars Christmas Special. Yeah.... let's not go there.    

Murder Party

Sometimes going into a film you know nothing about lends itself to things like surprise and wonder. Maybe you'll see something shocking, and maybe you won't. Maybe you'll soak in a scene that will stay with you for awhile and maybe you won't. Murder Party is chock full of "maybe you won't"'s. A fucking massive disappointment is an understatement when it comes to this piece-even though I had absolutely no expectations at all, and there is relatively nothing memorable about the experience of sitting through this to the end. It opened up kind of promising with kids going trick or treating, jack-o-lanterns getting smashed because teenage boys are assholes, and some solidly dark ambient music which fills the initial frames with a hint of grandiosity and wide-eyed curiosity. I didn't like any of the characters, all of their costumes were absolutely flat, Alexander is a fucking heap of human douche-baggery and the "comedy" that gets set up and spewed during the entirety of main man Chris being tied to an office chair while a bunch of insecure losers try to figure out how to kill him for "art's sake" pretty much made me laugh... never. One of the main selling points of Murder Party is supposed to be the gore contained inside, but it wasn't even close to being enough for it to be great. Everyone really does eventually die-just dumbly and uneventfully. Probably the worst, most drawn out scene that kept going and going was a scene where Alexander gets a bunch of needles out and tells everyone that they are going to play "extreme truth or dare" and everyone proceeds to inject themselves with truth serum and starts throwing secrets around. He even puts some of the serum in a piece of pizza. It drags on and on for at least twenty or thirty minutes and felt like it was never going to end. 

How dare you destroy that jack-o-lantern.

You could never be lonely if you have a huge bowl of candy corn and are about to watch "Scarewolf" on VHS.

Where's my invite to the murder party?

Dude, you're going to a Halloween party, not LARPING.

Heading to a milk bar.

Someone died-but it wasn't the LARPING guy.

It's to late for no alcohol and no weed.

Hey Alexander-you're a douche. I hope you fucking die.

"I was just going to chop his dick off and set him on fire."

I'll take "that's fucking lame for $500, Alex".

Truth pizza. I'm not hungry.

"I'll make sex with pillow."

Okay... when is this truth or dare bullshit going to be over.  

Even though I feel like I completely destroyed any want for any of you zits and zombies towards watching Murder Party, it isn't complete trash. It has a mountain of flaws to contend with, but it does sport a layer of homage towards the horror film community what with Chris' choices in movie rentals on VHS, the Halloween season, what little gore it has (even though pretty much everyone gets killed by an axe, chainsaw or some other form of tool) and I was ecstatic when Alexander was finally snuffed out. I hated that guy. Murder Party really is a throw away flick to watch if but once during the fall or Halloween time. Horror purgatory at it's finest. Maybe not. Full circle. Time to put on my cardboard armor and watch Scarewolf.      

Scalpel/False Face (Arrow Video blu-ray)

If I did what any other normal film/horror reviewer does by putting together a best of the year list instead of the worst, Scalpel in general would be somewhere in the top five. No joke. This is absolutely one of the best and most twisted psychological thrillers out there, and I find it somewhat of a shame that not to many of you inspirational undead out there have heard of it. There isn't much "horror" in it per se', but when everything that Dr. Reynolds has built up around him finally cultivates into a sick urge to have some rapey time with his actual daughter towards the end of this craziness-there's a pretty wrong and sick feeling that just sits there at the back of your throat wanting to expel itself. I found this film on VHS at the Gordyville flea market in the central Illinois days for fifty cents, and the cover just captivated me. It was an absolute blind buy because how messed up could a film named Scalpel be? Very. Even with this very lovingly printed on blu-ray by the God-like horror/cult distribution powerhouse Arrow Video, going back and watching this on my old and beat up copy of magnetic magic certainly has a strange, fuzzy and grainy feeling to it that is close to fever dream quality. The blu however is absolutely gorgeous and this release by Arrow gives you the option to watch it in the original Edward Lachman film grade which features the initial strong warm yellow and green tones from the master film stock and/or VHS tape along side the Arrow film grade which is presented in a more clean, natural look to the overall color levels and grain. The version I soaked in with my double vision as I threw down some notes was the Lachman grade because I am already used to seeing this film in that yellowed southern gothic style, as that is how it looks on the VHS. 

21rst century alchemists. Cool label. I dig it.

So many funerals lately. I don't need to see this.

Well, Heather is rich all of a sudden.

There's no reason to be depressed when someone passes away. You can't stop death.

Hamburger lady? If you get that reference... please let me know.

That skin extraction always gets me. Just-yuck.

Damn doc-this is one fucking elaborate plan to get your father's inheritance.

Family reunions are interesting.

Technically this isn't incest. But it's still weird.

Those catering girls look just as tasty as the food they are serving.

Sorrow is always buried in art.

 Scalpel is completely loaded with tense moments, people dying, funerals, drinking, incest, greed... the list for this film goes on longer than what I want to put in here. The basis that really works here and makes this piece really memorable is the fact that Dr. Reynolds is just bonkers and has no problem killing literally anyone in front of other people. His daughter runs away pretty much right at the beginning of the film, and he basically uses one of his patients that has the same build and stature to perform plastic surgery on her to make her identical to his own daughter. This really opens up when Heather eventually returns and cooks a pretty big meal for all three of them, leaving Jane (the fake Heather) feeling like there's no reason to even be there anymore. There are so many damn layers to this that keep piling up and piling up until Reynolds can't even tell which girl is his daughter and which one isn't and tries some horrible things on Heather that I mentioned earlier that make his darkness that much more palpable. Zits and zombies, participate in getting a copy of Scalpel for your collection. This deserves it. I just hope that if you inherit five mill, you won't have to hatch a plot for it. Enjoy it.