Tuesday, June 21, 2016

The Last Slumber Party


Horror trash extraordinaire Steven Cisna introduced me to this originally back when my wife and I were still down in Champaign. He asked me one time at work, "wanna see a movie that has some of the worst and most hilarious editing you've ever seen?" And, of course, since I was still a newb with this horror business at the time, I obliged. He looked on Youtube and showed me a clip from The Last Slumber Party in whence the hospital escapee slices the throat of one of the guys, it cuts to a girl in the bathroom looking at herself in the mirror, and then you see the same slashing happen a second time, the same way and then he stares into the camera all psychotic like. I laughed furiously at the poor edit job and said "I need to see this movie!" So the next day, he brought me the double pack (which now I own) that consists of this film and Terror at Tenkiller. This film is a garbage masterpiece. Get a copy. On Amazon, it's about $6.
 
Yeah! Fucking heavy metal!!
 
Look at me! I'm in your window!
 
I can't believe this dork's nickname is "science".
 
 A pre-frontal lobotomy. That's what we all need.

Aww, but driving a car into a swimming pool would be so much fun.

Two slow, horrible neck slicings in a row.

These mooks don't need halloween masks. They already look like mutants.

The worst wallpaper of all time.

Linda's mom must be deaf.

Tommy probably is a fag.

There are no words for this death scene. I could say it's legendarily bad I guess.

This whole movie consists of people climbing in and out of windows.

   There's nothing more satisfying than getting through a movie like The Last Slumber Party, and actually enjoying it. I know that these types of horror flicks aren't for everyone, and you have to have a certain mindset going in. But just pretend that you're high as a kite or drunk off your ass and you'll make it. I would highly recommend this as a t.v. party movie with about four or five friends, a pizza, and some sort of strong ale. That would set the perfect tone for this mess. Or you could be adventurous (like me) and watch it by yourself. Either way, I strongly suggest that all of you zits and zombies have this as part of your horror line up. As far as trash horror goes, this is magnifico'. Perfection. A must have. Oscar lives here. It smells, I'm going home.     


Monday, June 20, 2016

The Unborn


Having no notes at the beginning of the weekend, my wife suggested we watch The Unborn together. Her and her mom had watched it the night before while I was killing myself at work, and they both really enjoyed it. I went out and got some dinner for us, we put the table together and she found the film on Netflix and had it ready when we were. Right when the movie starts, the dreaded Platinum Dunes logo appears. I almost told her to just stop it right there. If you don't know what Platinum Dunes is, it's a film production studio owned by none other than the over-budget, over-CGI king himself- Michael Bay. But then I remembered that the Texas Chainsaw re-make and Texas Chainsaw: The Beginning were both put out by Platinum Dunes as well, and surprisingly enough, both of those horror flicks kick some serious ass. So I didn't say anything and just let the film go. I was surprised at just how tight the story is more than anything. And it has Meagan Good as a main character. I still want a piece of that Mrs. Good bar. 

   Long distance runner.

That's a new way to look at "baby blues".

Gives fig newton's a whole new meaning.

   Better poach them eggs.

Jumby wants to be born now.

"Those glasses are giving me wood. I don't know why."

Sorry Cecil but "beghoul"!

Reel to reels. Holy crap.

Now we know whats up with Jumby.

There's some weird magic going on here.

A woman? A little hormonal? Heh.

Silent Hill 2 comes to mind.

It's illegal to have your little brother in bed with you, isn't it?


It might actually be interesting to read a book about mirrors.

That kid needs some sun.

 Honestly, to me, The Unborn was better than I expected even though I find paranormal type horror flicks for the most part to be boring. The acting was very good, Meagan Good was still hot and the story was more interesting than normal with this sort of fare. You basically have a young woman who keeps seeing visions of a boy that says weird shit like "Jumby wants to be born now" and then you find out she had a twin brother that was never born that wants to be born all of a sudden. That's just hitting the surface of what's going on here, and if you're interested in watching this, that's really all you need to know. It also contains a few cliche's from the The Exorcist as well. Now I want watch Basket Case and eat some Mr. Goodbars. Damn you Meagan.    
 

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Psycho Beach Party


Ooooooooohhhh bbbooooooooyyyy.... this is the film I've been waiting for all year, zits and zombies. The movie that was going to make me want to bob for apples in a glass container of hydrochloric acid. The flick that made me decide I wanted to douse myself in lighter fluid and set myself on fire. The ultimate "I want to hang myself with an extension chord" kind of movie... Psycho Beach Party. This film is an adaptation of an off-Broadway play originally titled Gidget Goes Psychotic, and if this movie is any indication of how the original play was put together, I have no clue how it garnered such a fan base or made any money. As of right now, this movie is my number one worst of the year. I'm not even going to sugar coat this shit. Everything about this is completely atrocious and piss poor. There isn't even the slightest amount of entertainment value other than some attractive females. Sometimes, that's just not enough. 

   The Fonz in a horror flick. This should be interesting.

 Diane! Three heads!! Bwwahahahahaahhhahhaa!

"Want a weiner?"

Who could pass up a cute redhead?

More than one Go-Go girl please.

Einhorn is Finkle?! Finkle is Einhorn?!

I never thought I would see Zelda Spellman ever again.

   Starcat is such a stupid nick name.

This shift in gears is kind of... off center.

Sweet Jesus, this green screen is bad. Really bad.

Ok, I'm uncomfortable with male wrestling and lotion being squirted on them. Wrong. Wrong.

"I'm not a pepperoni!"

That's a really stupid looking hat.

Florence is back all of a sudden?!

What-the-hell-is-wrong-with-these-two-guys?

 I just... (sighs heavily). This movie just took so much mental energy to watch. I actually paused it 40 minutes in and said out loud to myself, "do I really have to watch the rest of this?" No. Of course not. But, I forced myself to watch it to the end and I don't know how I made it. The acting, dialogue, camera work, green screen of them all surfing, the guy-girl detective, the really cute but really psychotic redhead.... dear lord. I don't think I'm going to find anything worse than this this year zits and zombies. And if I do, Cinema Slayer is over. I won't be able to conduct myself properly anymore. Waterboarding. That sounds sane right about now.
 

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Class of 1999


I have never actually seen Class of 1984, but I do own and have watched Class of 1999 a few times. Some consider this to be the sequel to 1984, but, again, since I haven't seen that I can't compare or do any sort of relating towards it. My favorite thing about Class of 1999 is that it's a kind of alternate future for America. In some ways these days, some of the shit in this film is true. It's not as post-apocalyptic or beat down as it is in the film (and there's no such drug as "edge" nowadays either. But who really needs that when there's krokodil anyway?) even though it totally has sort of a Mad Max tone to it. Just with teenagers, gangs and secret scientific societies. After watching this again recently and thinking about how kids these days have no respect for anything or anyone, the android teachers that are in this film is something that would be kick ass to have to keep them in line. Corporal Punishment, is it still legal? Well it should be. Kids need their asses beat to learn discipline and respect. Even if an android killing machine breaks their necks. Bring back the paddle.

Anarchy in the USA.

That mullet slays me.

Getting out of the pen. In the worst tough guy jacket ever.

Free fire zone with my M-16.

Wrecked!

"Looks like Hector's going to be a little late for school."

Clothes in the future are so loud.

C'mon Cody, this chick is a hottie. Don't ignore her.

Absolute Zero Tolerance.

I wish corporal punishment was still around. 

Yeah! Beat his fucking rapist ass!

Eh, he was a junkie piece of shit anyway.

Of course, greed.

"I hate water." "Nice day for a dive."

 The scene where Cody beats the shit out of one of the members of one of his rival gangs because he's trying to rape the principle's daughter is the tops. Punks and bottom feeders deserve to get destroyed. But, of course, Cody ends up getting suspended because of it because "he beat someone up" even though he explained to him that he was trying to rape his daughter. He still gets in trouble anyway. "You sent that boy to the hospital." Who gives a shit? Guys like that deserve worse. It proves that no good deed goes unpunished. And it reflects on the fucking pussies that run our country these days as well. "It's not the terrorists, it's the fact that people own guns." Yeah, fuck you government. Fuck you Obama. Anarchy rules. I need a beer and a heating pad.
    

Friday, June 10, 2016

Westworld


This is one of the very first rentals from my local library last weekend, as I had never heard of it. Westworld is most definitely not horror, but consists of very smart writing, directing and casting as everything in this film gels very well together for an incredibly enjoyable sci-fi experience. Delos is comprised of three "worlds" that are made up of sets and near human-like androids that are programmed to act and react as if they were real people in any of the three said settings. There is Medieval World, Roman Era World and, of course, West World. These make up one big vacationing spot known as "Delos" where you pay $1,000 a day and you get to live out your every whim and fantasy "where nothing can go wrong." Yeah. That's what she said. Eh-hem. Pull your pants up, sir. Our main men Peter and John choose to go vacationing in West World to rough up some guys, drink, get down with some local ladies (even though they are droids as well) and do some pistol whippin'. I wrote this in my notes, but personally, I would have chosen Medieval World. That's just me.  

Delos sounds great. When can I go?

$1,000 a day?!

The pilot looks like he's playing Shockwave on the 3DO.

 I would personally rather go to Medieval World.

An imaginative vacation. Perfected.

Cheap bastards.

Practice that gun slingin', pawt' na'.

"It may look rough, but it's still a resort." That's beautiful, sir. Beautiful.

Three blasts and he's down!

Forget robbing the bank. It's time for some pussy.

Happy as a lark.

Steel tub bath. Old school.

"Jailbreak" from Thin Lizzy comes to mind.

These guys control everything.

 I'll try not to give it away, but once you see all of the behind the scenes of how these greedy scientist guys are controlling everything, the film opens up and you will be glued until the end. I think my favorite thing about where the idea from this movie came from is the fact that it was written and directed by one of my favorite authors- Michael Crichton. Yes, the same author that wrote Jurassic Park (my all time favorite film), The Lost World and Congo. I should dig deeper zits and zombies, but I need to see if he directed any other movies besides Westworld. He did a damn great job. Wholly recommended if you're in the mood for a very intricate, well planned sci-fi flick. You too, could use a vacation.   

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (blu-ray)


You know how once in awhile, you're in the mood for some shitty fast food or something you're really not supposed to eat, but you don't care because you only live once? You go to McDonald's, get a Big Mac because that's what you're set on, bring it home, shove it in you're mouth, enjoy the experience because you're not supposed to and call it a day. Well, I wish I could say I had that kind of experience with Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (say that shit three times fast) because I had a similar experience as if I ate White Castle instead. It looked good, I spent my money, and I ended up taking a massive shit afterwards. I only really found two redeeming qualities about this film (if you can even grace it with that) which include the fact that the cinematography is very crisp and very gorgeous. Color was used to almost perfection in the way it was filmed. The blu-ray transfer is as clean as it could ever get. And Skye McDonald. Whoo. She is fucking face melting hot. Other than those two categories being fulfilled, it was like watching one of those over CGI-ed SYFY horror movies or yet another sequel to the Sharknado franchise. Just don't spend your hard cash. Please. 

Rocket launchers and hot brunettes. I love b-movies.

CGI, pre-historic sharks. Yay.

"It's miller time."

It's been awhile, Miss Traci Lords.

Those CGI body parts look so fucking fake.

Bruce Campbell's c-list brother? Cousin?!

Sarah Mason is so damn hot.

I never thought watching a group of hot chicks digging up tree stumps out of the ground could be so... titillating.

Someone ring the dinner bell!

At least there was some lesbian kissing.

A bunker, perhaps?

Peaches and beans.

These sharks can swim through mud and rocks, too?

There's always time for lunch.

Sponge Bob brown pants.

The phrase "Crap on a cracker" is just so stupid.

Zits and zombies, I beg of you. Unless you're a fan of films such as Sharknado or Big Ass Spider! or anything like that, you'll probably get into Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre. Even with my bad movie feel, love and motif, I just can't watch these types of "horror" movies. I just can't. There are a few moments that will tickle your funny bone as well as wanting to play with yourself (Skye McDonald goddammit) but the over acting, even for me, was just to much and the story was just so damn stupid. It's still going to stay in my collection, however, because that's how I roll. I can only recommend this if you're a fan of films similar in cadence to what I mentioned above. Crap on a cracker. Wait, I already did.
  

Monday, June 6, 2016

Ice Cream Man


At the time, I thought this was a lost horror film called "Mr. Ice Cream Man." That's what I was really looking for when I found this packed as a double movie set along with Jack Frost 2. But I was wrong. They are not the same movie at all, and this has Clint Howard as Gregory Tudor. He's another character actor that I'll watch anything in pretty much because Clint kicks ass. This is probably the most disturbing and disgusting movie about a guy who's simple and has a mental handicap selling ice cream to adults and children. The original ice cream man gets killed while Gregory was a child getting some ice cream from him. He always liked the man and the ice cream, and when he gets old enough, he takes his place as the local ice guy. That's when shit starts building into weird. He's got eye balls and body parts all over the ice cream in his truck, and when he sells a cone or something to someone, just the way it's filmed when he puts the ice cream in said cones is just fucking disgusting. Makes me want to stay away from it for awhile.  

You know the neighborhood is perfect when it's in black and white.

Honestly, who would shoot an ice cream man?

"You didn't say please." 

Macaulay Culkin?!

Go home and change your clothes. You need a shower.

I was half expecting this guy to teach the kids about T.G.R.I. or invite them into his waxwork museum for awhile.

That's some nasty ass ice cream.

(Whistles) What a milf. I'd deliver my hard pack to her house anytime.

Tina's mom is a hoity, toity biotch.

How does no one see this fat bastard laying on the floor?

Jesus Christ, I didn't know cops were so heartless.

An ice cream party for the dead- interesting idea.

Don't eat that ice cream, boys. Who knows what body parts are in there.

  This is another one of those "profession" focused horror movies like The Dentist where someone takes a specific job someone has and flips it into some kind of twisted, off-center amalgamation. If I was younger and I watched these films, I probably wouldn't want any ice cream or want to go to the dentist. Hell, I don't go to the dentist anyway. Fluoride pushing mothers. Anyway, Ice Cream Man is a fun ride for a little something different. Probably the best (or craziest) scene is when Gregory kills a guy, makes a giant sugar cone, stuffs the dudes head in there as a hard pack, and gives it to the milf. Good stuff. Silly, but good. Anyone have any moose tracks? 
 

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Maximum Overdrive (VHS)


The very first time I saw Maximum Overdrive was during a visit to my brother's apartment down in Champaign before my wife and I ever moved down there. We watched it from beginning to end, and we hated it. I just don't think we understood the majesty of this film entailing AC\DC, Stephen King, Emilio Estevez, a semi-truck full of toys with the Green Goblin on the front of it and a whole underground cache' of machine guns and rocket launchers. This film is fun as hell, and it gets better every time you view it because you notice more funny things about it with each pass. The overall idea behind it is just outright ridiculous as being afraid of trucks and appliances perplexes me. I think that's the point. Even with that in the background, Emilio does some pretty solid acting in here as some shitty restaurant cook that ends up with the cutie of a girlfriend and torches a few trucks with an RPG and a military turret with a grenade. All because of some comet passing earth, making all of our electronics go haywire and granting them the desire to kill us all. What fun. 

"Hey honey, this machine just called me an asshole!"

Who made Who?

Ha ha, knuckle deep!

Stone maker, studabaker.

Gotta wipe the goblin's nose.

Yo' mama.

Now that's a wall of pussy.

I wish I had a soda can launcher. That shit would hurt.

Dude, you want to watch your wife take a dump? Whatever, bro.

I hate clowns. I hate clowns. I hate clowns.

Technology has really taken over our lives, hasn't it.

Being a bible salesman must be pretty shitty.

Diesel power!

"I think I just loaded my pants!"

R-P-G!!!!!! 

The scene where Emilio annihilates one of the trucks with a rocket launcher is fucking fantastic, as well as when he spins the gun on that turret and shreds it with a grenade. Explosions and explosions. This is a Stephen King classic and if you have never sat through this zits and zombies, you owe it yourself to do so. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll want to listen to AC\DC for days afterwards. Their music that's in this movie (specifically Who made Who?) just fits right in perfectly and no other band at that time could've put it together better. I need to go take my CDL test. Wish me luck.