Friday, August 31, 2018

Tragedy Girls


Friends that have been together for a very long span of time usually have a pretty lengthy and detailed history with one another. If one of them starts to stray or grow apart from the other, things get strained and bad things start to take place. For Sadie and McKayla, Jordan starts making things muddy by dating Sadie while McKayla still wants to continue along with killing people to make videos and gain views on their social media site they have called Tragedy Girls. Zits and zombies, I enjoyed this flick way more than I expected. Especially since I randomly just picked this out of a bunch of assorted horror streams currently being offered on Hulu Plus. The cinematography is very clean, bright and vibrant, the music and sound design is top notch and technically there is nothing about the Tragedy Girls to complain about. Actually, now that I think about it-there isn't much of anything to complain about in general about this movie except for maybe there should have been a little more gore, more of Craig Robinson's character Big Al, and I thought that the ending was something that any audience viewing this will probably pick up on sooner than later. The dynamic between the two girls stays solid throughout and it picks up even more so after the actual serial killer that they have been holding captive the entire time finally brakes free and goes to the prom as McKayla's "date". Basically, they have a fascination with serial killers, but they also kill and film people to make videos and post on their social media site as a way to get likes, subs and viewers. So, yeah-friends who slay together really do stay together.

"Parking it" is always a great experience.

Classic-machete to the face.

Wow-who's more fucked up? The girls or the serial killer?

I normally don't care, but this Sheriff's outfit is straight from a Halloween store.

Martyrs is a great horror flick from France.

 Damn, now I want an ICEE.

Cliques and "in crowds" can kiss my gore drenched ass.

That dude's leg is broke. Well, that doesn't matter now.

Cheerleaders have always been bitches.

Way to blow your cover, ladies.

A killers work is never done.

 The kills in Tragedy Girls are really mean spirited and selfish because these two just want to do it for popularity's sake. My favorite is probably when the lead cheerleaders head gets split in-two by a table saw, even though the gore is actually CGI instead of practical. It still looks good for how it was pulled off, I just wish it was done by hand. The budget probably didn't allow it. There are some other lies and twists where Sadie was actually trying to get McKayla's phone back from Jordan taking it out of her purse, only to find out that he likes her, they kiss, the serial killer breaks in and tries to kill them and gets shot and Sadie takes the credit as being a hero and saving the Sheriff's son. Damn. There is a lot to sort through with Tragedy Girls, but once it's all figured out-it's still bro's before hoes. Or bitches before witches. Or whatever. You get it. I need to catch that new Dahmer documentary before I miss it. Laters.   

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Blood Beat


Vinegar Syndrome has been picking up the rights to some weird shit as of late, and Blood Beat is for sure a bizarre addition to said library. I had read a few random reviews of this film elsewhere on-line before deciding to throw down some notes for myself last night, and I still can't make heads or tails about what really took place during the course of this insane thrill ride of 80's schlock. There's the obvious mother that has some ridiculous psychic powers who is also an abstract artist, and immediately tells her son Ted that there's something up with Sarah right when they show up at the house from college. She even has a damned Christmas present under the tree for her-all wrapped up neatly and everything as if she had been part of the family this whole time. Also, a scene where Sarah finds a chest in the room she's staying that has a samurai sword in which she cuts her thumb on, and a suit of armor that also is of Japanese origins that just vanishes after she takes a gander at these items, and tries to convince everyone else in the family of their existence to no avail. Included in this bonkers state of affairs is a hunting accident, the gutting of a deer while it's hanging from a tree, Sarah giving herself an orgasm in rhythm to the samurai spirit killing people in the house. Yeah, it's all here and more in Blood Beat. Even during the final showdown in the third act, Ted widens his eyes so much while he's trying to use his "powers" to kill the spirit that he looks like a fucking Don Bluth animation from Dragon's Lair or Fievel Goes West. Yeah. Bet you weren't expecting that kind of reference.

If I'm supposed to be scared, I'm not.

This awful synth music brings me great joy.

Your dad's hands are full of blood. Give him a hug.

I guess abstract art was ahead of it's time.

    Warmest Christmas I've ever seen.

We hunt quiet.

That's how you ruin a shot while hunting. Jesus, Sarah.

   Get those paintings out of here, Ted.

It's hard to paint when you suddenly have Parkinson's.

Calm down, George Lucas. Buy your shit back from Disney already. Star Wars sucks these days.

Water beds bother me for some reason.

This film is chock full of warm, cozy accoutrements from the 80's that make me feel right at home.

There is no explanation behind anything that happens in Blood Beat. It's so bat-shit that there really doesn't need to be. This film really takes the cake in the way of "what the fuck did I just watch" and it really doesn't care if you care or not. It's going to do it's own thing without anyone getting in it's way. And I admire that. The recipe that bakes itself into this movie is mostly what I said above plus a samurai spirit, crazy blue and red aura things that represent this families "magical powers" and other random town folk getting stabbed with ancient Japanese swords that are sharper than your best friends' wives' silver tongue. Zits and zombies, if you're at all in the mood to check out something that will undoubtedly make your head spin in terms of crazy shit to keep track of, Blood Beat is most definitely it. Next time you go hunting though, make sure Sarah stays behind. Those animal rights people ruin everything.      

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

#400: Freddy VS. Jason (blu-ray)


This is absolutely insane to me, but I cannot believe that this is my 400th post/review here on Cinema Slayer. Absolutely gratifying. Purely satisfying. I didn't even realize how much work and dedication I have been pouring into this blog for the past 4-5 years now, and I fully believe that my writing skills have completely become honed, more solid, and focused because this has been my art-my blood, sweat and tears for these past few years. I really couldn't have done it without the love and support from close friends, loved ones and the inspirational undead....

Namely you. Whoever you are. Reading this.

  I had planned on watching and writing a review for Freddy VS. Jason quite awhile ago, but the closer I came to reaching 400 posts, the more I waited on purpose because it just felt like it was something I needed to save for just this occasion. Something fun and epic for something fun and epic. I think it fits. For something as big as this film really turned out to be, putting it off until the perfect time to work on a reflection of this film presentable enough for you all is exactly what I felt like I had to do. And I'm all the better and happier for it.

Zits and zombies, let's get going. And don't take to much Hypnocil.

 The one and only time that I have ever watched Freddy VS. Jason besides earlier today was way back in my wife and mine's Champaign days. We rented it on a whim from Family Video out of our separate love for either horror character and franchise. She wanted Freddy to win and I of course wanted the killing machine Jason to be the victor, but by the end you find out that either one of them has fears and weaknesses just like everyone else. This film really is as fun as it could have been-the humor is there, the fantastic gore is intact for both horror icons and the acting and situations are pretty smooth and don't really detract from the overall experience of absorbing these two titans of fear duking it out. If you have been a fan of either of these guys since their inceptions, you could probably already deduce what their main frights are or could be-and me telling you if you haven't seen this will just suck some fun out. But mainly they play off of their strengths with Jason just being a fucking mongoloid bulldozer and Freddy destroying peoples' dreams-the film overall does a very solid job of letting the audience know if they're in the dream world or the real world without it really being jumpy or taking them out of the realm of what is really happening. The teens are typical teen fare with the smoking, drinking, sex and all of that cliched' garbage, but it had to be there for the tissue of this picture to work. And work it does.

Into the furnace you go.

Ah. The Springwood Slasher.

 Well Mike, you're a lucky bastard.

  A mother's love is eternal. Even if it is Freddy.

Cute black girls are always real.

I guess she's having a good fucking time.

 That's what I call "folding under pressure".

Dream? What dream? This is a nightmare.

Not every full moon is easy to look at.

I'm already friends with coffee and I still have to go to bed at some point.

A rave in the middle of a corn field brings on a whole new set of trouble.

"He who walks behind the rows." Oops-wrong movie.

Jason on fire while brandishing his machete is totally kick-ass.

It's raining like hell. Close a window.

Looks like Lori fell asleep.

At the end of the night, Jason VS. Freddy offers up a gory, visceral and fun showdown between two of horrors biggest characters without letting down any fans that have been craving something of this ilk for many years. If it's possible, there should be a way to get a sequel together and have them back-but also include The Shape, Pinhead, Chucky, Leatherface, Ash, Pennywise and Victor Crowley. Mix it up a bit. Get the blood pumping. I have no clue how something that massive would work, but it's an idea. Zits and zombies, this isn't the greatest face-off flick ever made. It wasn't meant to be. It was meant to be a fun franchise booster for both characters and I firmly believe that it satiated many blood thirsty taste buds in the process. I would recommend this without hesitation and if you're a horror-hound, there is much here to soak in and enjoy. Neither Jason or Freddy were ever dead-because they needed each other to live.      

Monday, August 20, 2018

Hard Ticket To Hawaii


Some cult or low budget films just fall into obscurity never to be seen by anyone ever again. Some films of this form make their makers a God by fan's eyes while others just dissolve what little reputation said deity may have had before said picture was released. If Andy Sidaris wasn't legendary in his field before Hard Ticket To Hawaii was put onto video to burn our eyeballs through the backs of our skulls, then this had to be his masterpiece. If you're in the mood for tons of perfectly perky female melons (which are nude a lot), the gorgeous women that own them, over the top dumb dialogue, a plot that pretty much doesn't exist and some of the greatest (and I really do mean the greatest) death scenes you've probably never seen and will never see again-Hard Ticket To Hawaii is the film ticket you need to purchase. This film is an anomaly because if you're a man, you're going to be laughing your ass off while having a massive woody at the same time. At one point some jackass is holding a blow-up doll while riding a skate board down the highway with a rifle in his other hand, gets run over-and in mid-air, one of the good guys blows his ass to smithereens with a fucking rocket launcher and proclaims "it's the only gun he can hit a moving target with". And then right after that you see some amazing boob-age from any of the number of sexy ladies that grace this picture and make harsh jokes about some guys dick being to small. So this is truly a one-of-a-kind experience that needs the right mind set and the right mood. There's no accounting for good taste. But you can always see some dude get blown away by a rocket launcher.

The first five seconds and the cheese is already flowing.

Wow, uhhhhh... those are some amazing, um..... breasts.

Locally grown weed is the best grown weed.

Mahalo you fat motherfucker.

Holy shit, that guy is oblivious to what's in that crate.

Really? Even Roger Moore? He was the worst Bond out of all of them.

     Wait a minute-how the hell do you fly a RC helicopter exactly where you want it to go with a fucking cane?!

You assholes have guns with you-you can't shoot the RC chopper down?! How dumb are you?!?!?!!  

"If brains were bird shit, you would have a clean cage!"

I never knew eavesdropping was so simple.

A little bit of Taryn in the sun, a little bit of Donna all night long, a little bit of Edy here I am, a little bit of Charlotte makes me your man.

If your thing in film is absolute cheesy non-sense with lots of scorching hot babes that will give you a pee-wee stiffy, a dude that can only shoot-to-kill with a rocket launcher, terrible dialogue that will no doubt make you laugh out loud and seriously some of the most hilarious death scenes I think I've ever seen, then Hard Ticket To Hawaii is something you really need to experience. Like, now. This is a classic offering where the audience doesn't have to care or think about what is going on in the movie and they can just soak it in and enjoy it because it's fucking entertaining. Turn your brain off, get some candy, pizza or popcorn and prepare for an action/exploitation flick that once you get through with, I'm pretty sure you'll want to come back for more. Just make sure your birdcage is clean. That shit's a mess.     

Friday, August 17, 2018

Rest Stop


The early 2000's was riddled with plenty of torture porn flicks and modern horror jump-scare offerings. Really, the only pieces that resonated with me personally from those specific lines has been the Saw franchise and maybe the first two Hostel films. After all of these years following Raw Feed putting out the first Rest Stop movie, I thought it was just another generic installment in said sub-genre of terror cinema. It really isn't. I don't really know what this is. There are some scenes and plot holes in Rest Stop that I just don't think I understand. Either I missed something or there is a better cut of this film floating around out there somewhere, but there a few very big, main scenes that take place during the course of this picture that kind of take you out of the suspense and tension-back to reality. For no good reason. A huge chunk of time is spent with Deacon (the cop played by Joey Lawrence) and he basically ends up dying towards the end. But... the film plays it off as if he was a ghost? A memory? A flashback? I still have no damn clue. There a couple of characters that happens to earlier and it's played off as if Nicole is living through a memory or an apparition or something and it really doesn't make much sense because there is no pay-off and these scenes never add or explain anything to add to the actual plot or who this guy is in the yellow truck trying to kill Nicole. 

Honey, do something with that hair. It's a mess.

Maybe you're in a Target. You know-where both genders can go in both bathrooms.

Another horror flick where one of the main characters is a writer. I swear.

Road side love.  

This little adventure of yours doesn't seem like it's as fun as you thought it would be.

I don't think anything in your surrounding area is "normal".

Yeah. You know who that guy is.

I'm pretty sure that that guy on the radio isn't who he said he is or is going to do the right thing.

Shit was to predictable.

Oh boy. There are some serious Sawyer Family vibes in this R.V.

Shut up about the damn bible you Elvis Costello/Gene Hackman mix-up motherfucker.

  In the end zits and zombies, Rest Stop started out being something that seemed like it was going to be a solid new slice of fear for us to enjoy when it was first released (and there are sequels) but there are just to many flaws with this initial entry for me to want to go on to watch part two. There is no explanation as to why the characters she interacts with while the guy in the yellow truck is stalking her end up dying and then just vanish like they where ghosts or something and I actually kind of wish there was more of that really fucking weird family in the R.V. When Nicole is with them and she ends up discovering the little mongoloid child-person in the back messing around with a camera...that actually kind of took me off guard a little bit because I was expecting it to be the guy from the truck taking pictures of the people he was killing while he was killing them. Also, the school bus where he did those horrible things really wasn't in the film at all. Barely. So, so disappointing. There are much better movies to get into that are cut from a cleaner section of the same cloth. Remember the dryer sheets. Static is a bitch.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

The Last Horror Movie


Right out of the gate, my expectations and sights were automatically set extremely low when I sat down to watch The Last Horror Movie earlier this afternoon. That's due mainly to the fact that the DVD of this that I own has the words and logo of Fangoria-Gorezone Video scrawled across the top of the cover, which just makes my stomach sink to an in-explicable level of nausea and vomit. The other film that has that same inscription plastered at the top for everyone to see is the abhorrently horrendous Skinned Deep-which I have wanted to re-watch for a great while now to write a review on here for. I've avoided it on purpose. There's nothing in this world that can make me grasp why or how that piece of ass cake even made it past the "hey guys, I have an idea for a movie" stage. Earlier this year I watched and reviewed an eternal piece of shit by the name of Eyes Front-worst serial killer film I think to ever be committed to celluloid (or digital camera. Whatever). The Last Horror Movie, however, ended up being a more than solid effort at presenting itself as a really long, well edited  serial killer/snuff film. Basically. This dude Max is a photographer/videographer for hire. He does weddings. He even states himself at some point in the movie that it's not a bad life getting food and drink for free-and there's always plenty of women to try to get with. I think the way Max carries himself while he's around other people (not killing randomly because he's bonkers) as being a charismatic and charming bastard really takes this piece to a whole other level and absolutely makes him believable as the killer he really is. 

To many pretty lights.

Watching scary movies by yourself is always fun, though.

Is that a mask from Halloween III?

  So, this jackass makes snuff films? 

Gravity kills.

I'm pretty sure that beating a black guy with a hammer is racist. I'm not 100% though.

Hahaha, what a kooky, charismatic son of a bitch.

That's me. The kid standing on the wall by himself not wanting to interact with anyone.

Gameboy Advance? Hell yeah!

The best part of a wedding is always the reception.

You're not being profound. You're just killing people and filming it.

As humans, we are always attracted to the things we are not supposed to be.

Holy shit-I thought she was dead.

I've noticed zits and zombies that The Last Horror Movie seems to be pretty polarizing. There are plenty of people that think that this is a 10/10 film about a serial killer doing what he does and putting everything on film for his potential fans and victims to see. And there are those that subscribe to the camp of this offering being dead boring and not worth anyone's time. I thought this was a very solid and well put together affair that plunges the audience headlong into a character study about a man that loves capturing and killing random people for the sake of art, morality and his psychosis just falling apart before our very eyes. If you dig psychology, serial killer documentaries and/or studies, or just looking for something slightly different than what anyone else is probably watching at this moment, The Last Horror Movie will sit in your lap perfectly without asking for a bigger tip or for you to purchase another drink. I'm so fucking tired. Off to bed I go.