Saturday, January 31, 2015

Evil Spawn

One of the main reasons I'm into collecting and savoring horror films is because Hollywood has become old, dusty and tired. They don't have anymore GOOD ideas. Re-makes and re-boots are everywhere these days and there isn't anything anyone can do to stop it. Another main reason I'm into collecting and savoring horror films is because I'm on an eternally perennial quest. There is a short scene from some either sci-fi or horror (or possibly both) movie that has been latched to the back of my brain since about second or third grade. The scene is some guy lying on the floor of a hospital and a strange black-ish, grotesque slug/alien thing protrudes from his mouth and slithers away. That's all I have. That's all I remember. It's a result of staying up late one night with my dad when I was very young before he started working swing shift work and he had the weekends off. We would always watch random movies and tv shows together. It was a scene that really stuck to me when he was flipping channels one friday or saturday night, and it never left me. I have to find what freaking movie that was from. I thought maybe it was one of the Hidden movies. Nope. Parasite? Not quite. Deadly Spawn? Don't own a copy of it. Evil Spawn? Of course not. I may never find the film that invades my subconscious with that particular scene, but it's always fun trying to figure it out. Evil Spawn is a Fred Olen Ray movie that is just something else. A pretty sexy blonde (she's too old??) is trying to land a role for a movie to get back to work, but no one wants her because "she's too old." If she's too old, then I'm still in second grade. Bug/aliens start getting involved as well. Is there a can of raid somewhere? I don't see one.

Blondie has a heart of glass.

Please don't break it.

The film incubates from Fred Olen Ray introducing his show and pulls the Evil Spawn dvd out from between his wife's breasts. I'm all for it. There's also some chick named Kim in a leather outfit that hits some redhead in the ass with a whip. Awesome! (Ahem.) The movie ACTUALLY starts now and we see a thermometer shaped space ship hurling through space towards earth. Then a bald guy stares at a computer screen and some bitch with too much make up opens a closet-thing and one of the aliens is in there! Dear Lord! Bald guy gets eaten by the bug/alien, the too-much make-up bitch laughs and it chews on bald guy some more. A couple show up in a jeep, say stupid nothings and get back in the jeep for some kissy-kissy. Bald guy comes stumbling through the alley after NOT DYING SOMEHOW and the couple says this: Girl-"There's something wrong with that guy." Blonde guy-"I know. That looks like me at my graduation night." One word. EPIC. 

Bald guy gets up, rips the blonde guys arm off and goes after the girl in the jeep. She then smashes bald guy into the wall with the jeep. I love it when under developed characters die in a horror movie. You don't have to put any effort into the experience. Too-much make-up bitch is now talking with Vincent Rice about how she needs to continue his work when he dies or some pointless shit no one cares about. Then he dies. How convenient. A bargain basement author is working on his novel and we see a photo of the main blonde hottie that I don't remember her name. We'll get to it shortly. 

Main blonde hottie and her bf are having sweet lovin' in her bed. Soft-core, much? I still don't understand how she isn't hot enough or too old to be an actress. Her agents must be gay. Main blonde hottie gets a screenplay in the mail and gets pissed that its for one crappy movie instead of the other. Oh the humanity. Her dumbass agent shows up, asks for a bud light and checks out the assistant. She's mediocre at best. Main blonde hottie comes outside in a bright red one-piece swimsuit and a green sun hat. I must say. I'm pitching a tent in my pants. I'm going camping for a while.

   The two of them just keep going on yelling at each other about how she doesn't want to be in the movie she got the screenplay for. Gay agent leaves and Main blonde hottie's assistant has the director of the movie she DOES want to be in on the phone. More blathering. The longer I can see her in that swimsuit and hat, the better. Main blonde hottie is sun bathing, an old guy is cleaning her pool, and Too-much make-up bitch shows up. She makes a shallow case about slowing down the aging process. She wants to sell her a serum so she can try it out. Main blonde hottie isn't convinced. Too-much make-up bitch vanishes into somewhere, and leaves a small box with a bottle of the serum and two syringes. It's party time.

Main blonde hottie calls her bf wherever the hell he is, he tells her he needs some rest and then he kisses some other chick in bed. Somehow, I'm not surprised one bit. Mbh dreams about winning an oscar or some shit, and then she gets gorilla hands complete with a zombie face. I've been stalling for this moment. Mbh then shoots up with the serum (the song "jump around" starts playing). Let the alien, bug-fest commence!

 Too-much make-up bitch is either a female version of Buffalo Bill or she's a lesbian that has a huge crush on Mbh. Either way it's weird and creepy. More great nudity from Mbh. This movie is better than I remembered. Gay agent shows up and Mbh looks SO DAMN HOT. More stupid dialogue about her getting the role in Savage Goddess or whatever it's called. I don't remember Huey Lewis being in here! What a pleasant surprise! Another creepy Buffalo Bill scene with Too-much make-up bitch. Then she shoots herself. Two moves in a row where someone shoots themselves. I didn't realize it was going to be like that. I'm not about that life.

  Mbh's assistant is completely naked in her swimming pool. She has a pretty nice body. Mbh assaults Huey Lewis about the lead role in that Savage Goddess film, and he turns into a dick. She runs away. More naked assistant. Mbh starts changing into a bug/alien. Finally. This is a slow burner, isn't it? All hail, Rubber bug beast! It then eats Mbh's assistant. Gay agent and Leisure Suit Larry are bitching at each other one the phone about this stupid ass movie. Bargain basement author is lifting weights, hears on the radio that the doctor that made the serum is dead and that it causes mutations. Interesting. Just like medicine in real life. 

     Now Gay agent and Bargain basement are on the phone and Mbh shows up at Gay agent's office. She twists his arm, shoots up and gets buggy. Gay agent is dead. Yay. The Revenge of Shinobi music plays in the background. Mbh sees her bf doing work with another chick on their couch. She does the worst striptease ever committed to film and Rubber bug beast kills the ass-hat through the window. Genius. Rubber bug beast also slaughter's the showgirl. I'm going to cry. Bargain basement shows up and has a very slow and clumsy show down with Rubber bug beast. Mario and Luigi shoot Rubber bug beast in the back. Mbh is dead now and Bargain basement author can go back to doing what he does best: WRITING. An alien bursts out of his chest. The end.      
Evil spawn is clumsy, entertaining and full of plot holes. Just like a block of finely aged cheese.

But seriously, Bobbie Breese is GORGEOUS and really is the only reason to watch this movie at all. Other than that, if you're in the mood for something that's going to trip and fall on itself while showing you some small amounts of soft-core skin, I'd say this is the ticket. Just don't let mommy catch you. Where's the popcorn and nonpareils?

Friday, January 30, 2015

The Curse On Blanchard Hill

I should've just watched Blue Sunshine. Everytime I'm on Hulu Plus checking out their horror stock, I see it in the "all" list and the cover art grabs me. I want to watch it. But because I'm some weird, stubborn anti-self protein construct, I always end up indulging in some other shit fest that I know I'm going to enjoy just as equally. But not this time. This time was a terrible mistake. I shouldn't have bothered. My fellow cohort of crap cinema and co-worker Steve (not Steven from my Escape from Tomorrow walk-through, this is a different Steve) lent me this low budget film set entitled "Freakshow Cinema." And boy what a freakshow it truly is. Just judging from The Curse on Blanchard Hill on it's own two legs (or however many it does or doesn't have) I don't think that Mill Creek could've picked a better theme for this film collection. The Curse on Blanchard Hill has to be the worst, most taxing endurance film that I've probably ever watched or ever wanted my time back from. The Canuxploitation film "Things" has more entertainment value than this fucking atrocity to mankind. (face-palm) I really don't know where to go from here beyond this lead-in paragraph that I normally start off with, so let's just dive head first into this heap of dinosaur dung without a swim suit.
Wading in your friends above ground pool with dead bugs and leaves floating around in the water is healthier than watching this "film".
I think I'd rather be working.
The movie opens ever so boringly with a bunch of nature footage such as waterfalls, leaves, plants, trees, a water bug for no reason and black and white footage of plastic bottles covered in dirt. Whatever. It's spring 1985. A buick/oldsmobile looking car parks on the side of the road. A Tunnel Snake from Fallout 3 gets out of the car. He starts filming shit because he feels like it. He walks a path up the side of a hill. He films more shit. He looks at the forest for 10 years and then we see chickens and a squirrel. Hmph. All of a sudden he's getting brutally murdered by NO ONE and we see edited flashes of spiders and snakes. WORST FUCKING OPENING EVER.
 22 years later. Sweet Jesus. The ugliest set of campers on these here 9 rocks of our solar system are walking up to the camp site set to some chick with a warmly mediocre singing voice singing "She'll be coming 'round the mountain." I need some Tylenol. Better yet, get me some needles to punch holes in my eardrums. Did this chick just say "don't hold your wiener that close" and then bites the hotdog she's roasting? Then the guy pretends to suck on it. Gay-ness already and were only 8 minutes in. I can't wait. Who's that with the sunglasses? Crispin Glover's z-grade brother?
 More wiener roasting and dumb dick jokes. Shoot me already. A Layne Staley wannabe and his actually decent looking plus size girlfriend show up in his whip. That's what the kids refer to cars as these days. Really stupid air-compressor sounding music plays, Layne Staley and sexy plus size are going at it and some guy with a machete shows up. He then stabs them both through the stomach at the same time. More air-compressor music. Then we see them bleed for literally about 2 minutes. Then we get the pleasure of listening to z-grade Crispin telling a really pointless urban legend about Blanchard Hill. I personally don't care. 
We cut to see the sports authority version of Jason Vorhees (or someone like that) complete with machete, adidas running break-away pants and flannel. He slits Frodo's cousin's neck, he bleeds for 30 seconds, flannel Jason rips his tongue out and flings it back on his face. He's a gentleman you know. Z-grade Crispin is doing a nature walk all by his lonesome while drinking a massive bottle of rubbing alcohol. It's no worse than everclear. That waterfall is freaking loud. He then takes a big swig and screams very loudly for no logical reason at all. He's mentally stable. Park ranger Gomer sees the couple that got stabbed earlier, makes idiotic faces, screams and does the technocolor yawn.
 THESE PEOPLE ARE SO DAMNED BORING. One of the ugly girls sees some crushed raspberries in the grass. She runs. Z-Grade Crispin touches it for whatever reason and then we see some guy that hasn't bathed in awhile eating potato chips. Some of them fall out of his mouth. Flannel Jason stabs dirty chip guy in the back and he bleeds for about 10 seconds. Now we get to see the two shittiest "cops" ever hired by any kind of law enforcement agency. Fake-stache Wahlburg is making breakfast and he has trouble cutting a block of Spam. Once Overweight Jack White gets done snorting a line, they grab their badges, get fucked up some more and head out to Blanchard Hill. When is this going to end?
 Park ranger Gomer runs into Fake-stache Wahlburg and Overweight Jack White and he shows them that dead couple. "At least they got to screw before they died, at least." Then Overweight Jack White throws Layne's condom on Gomer's cowboy hat. I laughed. "Isn't there a furry convention going on this weekend? I hope a hunter doesn't mistake a forest animal for one of those furries." Those weirdos need to be shot. A fat hunter gets killed by Flannel Jason. This is really the only death scene in this movie worth seeing and even that's a stretch. The girl with a bandana is walking through the forest and then Flannel Jason comes in behind her and smashes her face into a tree about 3 or 4 times. Very gorily I might add.

More stupid dialogue between Fake-stache Wahlburg and Overweight Jack White. Drinking. Smoking. The movie being self aware of how fucking stupid the plot is. Then a flashback of two fat, tattooed and pierced lesbians and some ass-hat that wants to film them doing sexual things with each other. Flannel Jason promptly slays all of them. THIS SCENE OF THE GIRLS BOOBS AND THEM BLEEDING OUT GOES ON WAAAAAAAYYYYYY TO LONG. It has to be somewhere between 5-10 minutes. I'm not joking. Cuts of an owl sleeping and dumb people at the campfire. Flannel Jason then squishes some jackasses eyes out with his thumbs. I'm really starting to like this guy. 

Fake-stache Wahlburg and Overweight Jack White wake up with a bunch of empty alcohol bottles around them. Fake-stache Wahlburg takes a piss. His mustache falls off. He starts blabbing on about nature possessing him. Then he shoots himself. I've been waiting for that to happen. Now scenes in a sepia filter we just saw 20 minutes ago. Hooray. Z-Grade Crispin tells his girl he's going to go get some help. A Greg Brady stand in shows up and starts filming crap. Z-Grade Crispin steals his car. The Greg Brady stand in and Z-Grade Crispin are bitching at each other in the middle of a forest path when Flannel Jason shows up and stabs Greg Brady. Z-Grade Crispin then shoots Flannel Jason a bunch of times and he spontaneously combusts.
Z-Grade Crispin hears the air-compressor music. THIS SHIT IS BORIIIIINNNNGGGG. He then strangles his girlfriend. Then Cripsin chops her up and eats her strawberry cheesecake innards. Yummy. Next up is a group of stoners that include a chick playing a ukulele pretty terribly and some hookah. Then Crispin and Overweight Jack White meet up. They say some stupid shit about littering and mexicans and then Crispin gets shot. Then it starts snowing or raining or whatever that weather condition is supposed to be.
I want to shoot myself just like Fake-stache Wahlburg did.

Please, I beg of you. Stay as far away from this "film" as you possibly can. I'm not even going to post the trailer. It's not worth it. Even as much of a fan of underground trash as I am, I never want to watch this movie ever again. I would rather be the girl in the middle of The Human Centipede at the end of that movie than have to sit through this shit stain on my boxers ever again as long as I live. Give me some of grandpa's cough medicine. I'm going to bed.


Monday, January 26, 2015

Death Bed The Bed That Eats

My wife and I used to frequent the Barnes and Nobles in the Champaign/Urbana area and they have a pretty vast and obscure selection of horror dvds and blu-ray. Hence, every time I walked to the back where the media section was, there was always a really bizarre title that caught my attention with every trip: Death Bed the Bed that Eats. I would always go to the horror section to see if it was still there because I wanted to know if any one else had seen this dvd sitting there or even knew what the hell kind of a horror film could be possibly named Death Bed the Bed that Eats. It was in the same spot every time I went back there, and for all I know, it still is. The copy I have though isn't that copy that I had grown a small relationship with at the Champaign B&N. Oh no. Not at all. I stumbled upon a copy at the Disc Replay here in Crest Hill. It's a title for a film (or anything really) that you'll either dismiss immediately because of how ridiculous it sounds, or you'll just be intrigued and want to do anything to try to watch it. Whoever George Barry is, he must've been on some serious substance abuse when he put his one and only film together back in '77. What's weird is is that I thought I would remember more of this particular movie because of how messed up it is, but I really don't. Corey's dad from Boy meets World is in it. There's something about a sandwich. And a giant bed dissolving people. The rest is up for anyone to decipher.
Mind warping, surreal horror from the late 70's?
Give it to me baby.
The film awakens from its slumber by a black screen, some really gross munching sounds from the bed eating someone and the word "Breakfast" appearing in some white, american gothic looking font. It gets pointless and weird right from the beginning. Some guy's spirit is trapped behind a painting of the bed he painted in the room for more than sixty years. That wrought iron gate is pretty damn loud. A couple is walking through a grassy area, the girl says she's afraid and then the bed closes the door on them from the inside. How the hell does a bed close a door? And laughs while he's at it?? The bed opens a door for the couple on the side of the building and then blows out the fireplace. Things are starting to get rowdy in this bitch.
    The guy puts their bag of food on the bed and lights a candle even though it's clear as day in there. Who's he kidding? Time to get naked on the death bed. While the couple are making out like 15 year olds on one side of the bed, the bed eats the apples, drinks the wine and chews up the whole bucket of Kenny Rodger's chicken. The bed closes it's curtains and eats the couple. This jackass is HUNGRY. Then we finally get the weird, depressing theme song and the title credits. After 10 1/2 minutes. Damn that's a long opening.
The bed is now snoring. That's funny. A BED that's SLEEPING. Wrap your head around that one. More pointless back story from the behind-the-painting guy and then the bed swallows a fly buzzing in the room. Dear Jesus. Now it's "Lunch" quickly in more american gothic font! A black woman and two younger girls show up looking for the place where the death bed is. The girl in pink reminds me of John Tardy from Obituary (look up pictures of the band, you'll see what I mean). I want this chick in the back of the car to get eaten by the bed already. Black Denim and John Tardy go into that same side door that the bed lured the couple into at the beginning. Right before they walk in you can hear a random voice say "not yet." Why? the bed is famished. Let him eat something. Or some one.
John Tardy lays down on the death bed. Behind-the-painting guy says the bed is afraid of her. Maybe the bed has indigestion. Maybe he's an Obituary fan. Inked in Blood is a great death metal album. Back-of-car chick is changing her clothes in front of the bed and... the bed seems to be getting horny. Yeah. I don't know what to say here. 

The bed is making Back-of-car chick have really fucked dreams about eating a silver platter full of caterpillars, that green shit from Troll 2 and some weird looking cockroaches or something. The bed is breathing like a smoking asthmatic as it undresses the girl, keeps the flowers she brought as a souvenir and then starts cutting into her neck with the necklace she's wearing and then slowly starts eating her for lunch. Her feet are bleeding. There's Ajax dish soap everywhere son.  The bed starts laughing manically, dissolves the girl as his next big meal and then red flowers start growing out of her skull OUTSIDE IN THE FIELD. This bed has some sweet magic. John Tardy and Black Denim are having a quiet picnic outside and the bed downs a bottle of Peptol-Bismal. Now THAT'S a quality scene right there. A bed drinking Peptol. Oh man, it only get's even better from here.

The bed swallows a priest who's reading the bible before bed time. More dish soap. Give us this day our daily bread. The bed then devours an old, fat lady reading some lesbian newspaper, a copy of Tropic of Cancer, a teddy bear, and Forest Gump's sister complete with leg brace. Damn, he just can't get enough. Matthew McConaughey's slow cousin decides to use the bed to make money by having his hooker friend have sex with people on it. They get greedy, have a big orgy on the death bed, and it eats everyone all at the same time. This could be a new kind of underground porn.
Bicycle Willy and Jim Jones show up and play the worst game of cards I've ever witnessed. "This is the stupidest hideout I've ever seen." You're telling me. Bicycle Willy gets paranoid and looks at his hand. "Is this some kind of joke?" What the movie? Of course it is. This scene contains some of the greatest gunshot special effects in a movie EVER. The sound of the gun is extremely delayed, no muzzle flash at all and when Bicycle Willy gets the gun after Jim Jones gets eaten by the bed, it doesn't even make any sound when he shoots it at the bed. Freaking fantatsic. Oh, and Jim Jones still puffs on his cigar AS THE BED SWALLOWS HIM. What a fucking epic way to go. He probably figured he needed one last puff before he was mattress food. Wait, what? Keep watching.
   No one REALLY CARES how the death bed came to be, we just want to see him eat people. The bed is playing an organ and eating a shoe at the same time. Wow. Black Denim and John Tardy are trying to find Back-of-car chick, but they don't know she was eaten by good old Posture Pedic. Best to have the sheets pulled over their eyes? I couldn't help myself. Black Denim pours herself a little drinky-drink and then it's "dinner" time.
  John Tardy is trying to figure out what happened to the car and Black Denim is getting krunk. John Tardy finds a "book of dead people" and tries to convince Black Denim that they are both in it. The pages are blank. Then BD looks into the fireplace and all of a sudden the pages are all foil! Now you CAN see yourself in it. Temper Pedic tries to eat BD but she manages to escape his grip and crawls all the way to the door. Sealy then flings a curtain to grab BD and drags her towards him to finish his lovely dinner of Chocolate Dungarees. Man this is one hungry set of box springs. Holy shnikes, it's Corey's dad! He's looking for John Tardy and of course ends up in the room with her and the bedding expert.
Death bed proceeds to spit out a bunch of eyeballs and then sucks them back in. Don't you think they would've been freaked out by this? No reaction huh. This scene is even more empty and emotionless because NEITHER OF THEM REACT AT ALL TO WHAT JUST HAPPENED. Corey's dad tries stabbing the bed with a big ass kitchen knife, but the bed just dissolves the flesh right off of his hands TO THE BONE, and neither of them makes a peep or bats an eye. Holy shit. Corey's dad asked JT to break off the rest of the bones left from his hands and she pretty much does it unflinchingly. That takes a lot of cojones. Now his hand bones are burning in the fireplace.
Oh boy. "The just dessert." Behind-the-painting guy tells JT to get Corey's dad the hell out of there. She then cuts a circle of blood around the bed, and then has to put one of Corey's dad's finger bones and the hair from Black Denim in the circle. The circle spontaneously com-busts and the bed is transported outside. Then Dead Tardy comes out of her grave, drags Corey's dad into the circle and the bed bursts into flames.
What an epic bed time story. Better than Aesop.
But seriously, you need to be on some hard psychotropic meds to be able to appreciate this movie, let alone to even begin to give a shit about the actual "plot" if you even want to bother trying to follow it. The whole draw of this film is the idea that someone actually made a movie about a bed that eats people. That in and of itself is a jacked up idea, let alone everything that actually happens within the movie. George Barry, please make a second movie. I would love to see it. I just wet the bed. I need a new mattress.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Escape from Tomorrow

Last year sometime towards the end of July, my wife and I decided to take a small road trip to Champaign for about three or four days as a mini vacation to visit some friends, have some coffee and alcohol with them and to pretty much forget about what was going on in our lives for a brief time. My fellow collector and advocate of anything novel or trash, Steven came by to visit us at our hotel room the night before our last. We talked at length about funny happenings that we both had missed from either side of the coin after we moved back up north, and in the middle of it all, of course our obsession with weird, garbage, filthy and gory films came around as a central part of our conversation. He had asked if I had a chance to watch the infamous Escape from Tomorrow on Netflix or otherwise. At that time, no I had not. After our trip was over and we drove back home, I DID end up watching this strange guerrilla style movie from Randy Moore, and quite frankly I don't get it. Is it a film about a guy's slow descent into madness at a theme park? Is it trying to say no matter how sweet and innocent the top layer is what lies under should stay? Whatever this is supposed to be, it's a very interesting one from a psychological standing.

An evil Disney movie without Mickey?

Anti-Steamboat Willie, here I come.

The movie opens up with Jim and his family on a ride in Disneyland, some quick shots of other things going on in the park and then some guy's head gets ripped off in the middle of the ride. Well, THAT was kind of brash. Jim is on the balcony talking to his boss and he gets fired from his job. What a way to end a vacation to Disney. Put a shirt on son. His son locked him out of the room. I'm sorry, but that's just funny. These two are the two biggest pussified parents EVER. I'm not even going to get into it. Time to ride the monorail and get a glimpse of those DAMNED CUTE, UNDER AGED GIRLS JIM WILL BE CHASING OBSESSIVELY THROUGH THE ENTIRE FILM!

Epic, happy music and a shot of the Castle. Pretty cool actually. These shots in the movie are pretty fun. The cinematography they were able to pull off is astounding really. Some of these rides really do show how dark and depressing Disney REALLY is. Jim is trying to pull some moves on his wife when the kids weren't looking and he gets denied like three times. What a fucking loser. That's probably how it is at home too. More pretty solid cinematography, but now Jim is starting to see really nasty and evil looking faces on all the Disney characters and hallucinates that his wife hates him (which is probably true) and Elliot's eyes turn black. Possession much?

The mother takes the daughter on the tea cups and Jim and Elliot wait in line for that fucking Buzz Lightyear ride. Another chance for Jim to follow those 13 year old girls. What a sick bastard. You know, I didn't really pay attention when I watched it the first time, but the production in this movie is pretty crisp. Especially since it was all done with Go Pro's and smart phones. Time for Jim to follow those girls wherever they go! Gee, they're eating a banana. What do you think Jim is thinking? They go on the go-carts just to follow them. Then Jim envisions hanging out with them and then they bump into their go-cart. How cute.

Jim seriously needs help. The girls are starting to notice that they are following them, I guess? Then Elliot asks why they're following them, and he says "I guess they like the same rides we do." What a freaking liar. More following of the girls. Into Space Mountain! Jim hangs up on his wife and then he holds Elliot as he pukes behind a garbage can. Then his wife gets pissed because he took him on Space Mountain. WHO REALLY GIVES A SHIT. Seriously, isn't the whole reason of being there to experience everything? Whatever. 

Jim sees the girls again. He needs to rub one off for real. He's so into tracking the girls that he doesn't even really care that his daughter just went down into some mountain/cave area. This guy is so weak. Sara bumps into some fat scary looking asshole on a motorized cart. And his fat kid. I want to punt both of them into oblivion. Then Jim takes Sara to one of the nurses and she cleans her all up. Instead of those two 13 year olds, what about this nurse? She's pretty cute. Even if on the thin side. "Everyone is so worried about the cat flu. You could be a host and not even know it." This is where I wonder if the whole cat flu thing is supposed to be a metaphor for everyone having a dark side or something? Maybe?? I don't know.

Jim is watching Sara with some boy and then some weird street walker sits down and tells him the turkey isn't real. Of course not, it's Disney. This guy really is sex deprived, isn't he? This chick isn't even that hot. He get's seduced by her "heirloom" and then she bangs him pretty good on her bed at the hotel. This just changed gears out of nowhere. Then she reveals that the Disney Princesses are hookers basically. I don't know where this is going. Honestly. What the hell are these kids watching on her laptop? Jim takes Sara and then he goes back to their room.

The whole family is swimming in the pool at the hotel and Jim's wife is A SERIOUS BITCH. He says he got a gift for her and he gives it to her in the pool. "Dumbo, Jim? Jesus Jim, I wanted Mickey, not Dumbo." WOW. What an un-greatful piece of shit. A divorce is needed. That's probably why Jim is chasing 13 year old girls. And of course the girls get in the pool. Jim probably has a huge boner now. Better stay under that water son. Jim is son enthralled with those girls that he doesn't even notice his wife yelling at him for the umpteenth time. I probably wouldn't either. 

Jim's in their room getting shwasted! That's the spirit sir! Drink your pain away! Off to Epcot. Jim spots that fat mother from earlier. Jim is in his own world getting fucked up again. I like Jim better drunk. Jim is completely blasted now and they are on a water ride. He sees more weird faces and then he tosses his cookies. That's what I'm talking about sir. Jim applies some neosporin on his foot from stepping on glass earlier and then he proceeds to clean his socks in the sink. His wife starts to catch on that he's been following the girls and now she calls him on it. Jim admits to getting fired and then the mother slaps Sara in the face. I love family drama.

Jim and Sara go on some ride where they sit up to an IMAX looking screen and Jim imagines some topless girl on the screen saying "soon, you'll be all mine." Jim sees Epcot come off it's wires and then he gets spat in the face by one of those teenage girls. Now Sara is gone. Sweet Jesus. He gets shocked in the balls and is now spinning slowly on some chair. He get enveloped in a mini disco ball, and some scientist guy tells him he has a very good imagination, almost like Walt himself. I still don't get it. I just don't get it. Is Jim squirting neo on the controls and everything supposed to be the end of his sexual frustration? Then he shoots the scientists head off and finds out he's a robot. That's generic.

 Jim is getting crazy looking for Sara, distracting people from the fireworks and everything. Jim attacks that fat guy because he tripped him. Under age drinking, huh? This film goes anywhere it wants, doesn't it? That chick Jim screwed earlier has Sara in one of the rooms on a bed of flowers in a princess dress. A subtle play on human trafficking?? I'm so confused right now. Maybe I'm going a little TOO deep. Sara breaks the evil princesses heirloom and then she disappears behind a door. Ooooook. Jim bleeds from the nose and then has the worst shits I've ever heard. Then he coughs up a hairball. Or two. What the fuck is going on here? Yes. The cat flu. I really don't know what that has to do with anything. Elliot sees his dad just sitting there all covered in blood and then closes the door. What a dick. Even if he is only six.
 The mother gets up and sees Jim sitting there with cat eyes, a goofy ass smile and blood on his face. 

A bio team comes and collects Jim's body. I really don't think Elliot cares. He's going to be a serial killer when he grows up. The clean up guys have a smoke and then we see Mickey and Goofy for a split second then they haul Jim's body away. Then a limo shows up with Jim getting out with a really attractive toothpick and daughter in his arm. That's it. That's the end.


I really don't know what to make of this film. I just don't. As of writing this, this is my third viewing of it and I can't really justify what it was even put together for. What's the point? That no matter how innocent and sweet someone or something is, there will always be an underlying dark side. That's all I'll get out of this film and that's all I ever will. Time to play some Mickey Mania on the Sega Genesis.


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Intermission 2

I'll be honest right now my fellow zits and zombies, I'm tired as shit from work. I was going to write a post about either of the films above, but I' just don't have the mojo left in me to do it. The bottoms of my feet are sore, my socks are soaked with sweat from my work boots and I just need to finish this bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with Vanilla almond milk. So freaking fabulous. Working 10 hours a night doesn't sound that bad, but when it's on your feet with no sitting what-so-ever (except break and lunch) when you get home, you're just dead. That's all there is to it.
Which one of these am I going to re-visit and post a full length "review" of tomorrow? I don't know realistically. It all depends on when I get home, how tired I am and which one I'm in the mood for. Right now, it would be Death Bed the Bed That Eats. But tomorrow morning it could be Escape From Tomorrow. Who knows. I don't.
Please, just make yourself some toast or a bagel, pet your dog and just relax. Things will get better. Right? 
Maybe someday. 

Monday, January 19, 2015


No, no. Unfortunately, this isn't going to be a post about the movie Motel Hell. I haven't recieved it in the mail yet and I can't wait! I've actually never seen it before, can you believe that? As much as a horror buff and collector as I am, I've never actually seen Motel Hell. I've heard lots of accolades about how demented it is and how there's a crop of people with there heads sticking out of the ground and just lots of weird and bizarre happenings in the film that I can't wait to dive right into.

Amongst the newer additions to my horror collection which include Christmas Evil and Texas Chainsaw 3D on blu ray and Hi-8 Horror Independent 8 and Skinless on dvd, I really can't wait for this for some reason. Mostly this post is just something to add until I have the time to write another "review" about one of the movies in my collection. I just learned earlier at work that I will be working alot of overtime in the next couple of weeks and getting home later than normal really doesn't constitute to me having the time to watch a movie and write at the same time like I did for the first four films I wrote about.

Don't worry. Things will get better.

That's what they all say.

Until next time, keep it gory and silly. For me, not for you.


Sunday, January 18, 2015

Pumpkin Karver

Well, this film flew under pretty much under every horror buddy of mine's radar. Except for me of course. My wife and I were still living in Champaign, IL at the time and it was the weekend. I still worked at a facility in that area for adults and children of the developmental disability sort and it was fall or somewhere around halloween time. I was looking for something to add to my horror collection that either was indie or just completely a blind buy that I just never knew existed. This film was it. We were in the walmart in Urbana and I was browsing what used to be a pretty decently sized horror section that walmart used to stock on a regular basis, and I saw numerous copies of this film all over the shelves because no one knew what it was, heard of it or really gave a sweet shit about it. But I bought it. And it is glorious.

Entertaining yet crappy slasher from 2006?

Yes please.

The movie gets going with random dumb kids trick or treating, some old guy with a knife jumps out of the bushes to scare the little shits and the incredibly sexy Amy Weber in a very soft looking bath robe. She used to be a pro wrestler in WWE. I need to watch wrestling more often. Then her idiotic boyfriend with really gay looking devil horns shows up to ruin everything. Oooooooh joy. All the while her brother is stabbing, (cough) I mean carving a jack-o-lantern. I really hope Amy's boyfriend dies horribly. He's such a dick-face. Amy is in the garage looking for whatever she can find to wear (or not) as a costume for halloween. Then she thinks her boyfriend walks in. And it is. But her brother doesn't know that and he stabs him in the eye! Yes, my diabolical prayers for this douche bag to die have been answered!

So, an entire year after Jonathan ever so fantastically stabbed Amy's boyfriend to death, they move to a town called Carver. How original. Not really. I guess the killer needs to get his name from somewhere, right? The old farmer character is first brought in here and everytime that I've watched this movie, I can't help but feel like his demeanor for the script was inspired by someone from the Sawyer family. A very mediocre Sawyer family. More college dipshits=higher body count. I can't wait! Why the hell is this guy doing Austin Powers voices when those movies came out like 10 years prior? This just keeps getting better.


Worst version of Charlies Angels I've ever seen. Wait, I have the movies on dvd. Forget it. I think I just realized after this being probably my fifth or sixth viewing of this that pretty much NO ONE IN THIS FILM IS ATTRACTIVE except for Amy Weber and the girl that she's trying to hook Jonathan up with. Ugly people. Jonny gets freaked out by a mental version of the Pumpkin Karver. And now Tammy Boiles, the cute artsy chick in the film.


They show up on razor scooters wearing togas and olive leaves as their costumes. Heh. I laugh to myself every time. Even with the first grade drawing of their "map of the party", they are still a little to excited about it. More mental disturbance in the pumpkin patch. Although I think I'd rather be face to face with The Pumkin Karver than seeing Bone Daddy and Spinner's asses with jack-o-lanterns painted on them. Just saying. Fat Hulk, Captain Jack-off and Puffy Shirt are here to waste Tammy's time because Captain Jack-off can't grow a dick and move on. How sad. 

A pretty decent horror punk band loosely in the vain of The Misfits called Divine Chaos? I'm all in son! Puffy Shirt and Main Slutty Girl #1 are in a van getting crazy. She slaps him in the face, why? You're the one giving him a massive woody and YOU'RE PISSED OFF?! Women. Sheesh. She then gets whacked by someone with a straight blade. Darn. Tammy tips over a whole wheel barrel full of pumpkins and then Fat Hulk appears to comfort her. "The Hulk is always right (flexes) and tight." Dear Lord, this dialogue is a fun mess.

Creepy Sawyer Dude makes Jonny jump and he tells him his jack-o-lantern is a piece of crap with his brown, snus teeth. Then he makes Jonny follow him to his shed where all of his jack-o-lanterns that he carved are stored. To be real, all of his lanterns aren't any better than what I've done in the past. I know that Creepy Sawyer Dude really is trying to be creepy, but it's really more silly than anything. You just can't take this film seriously. Not for one second.

We cut to all of the college kids around a campfire with Bone Daddy and Spinner hosting the dumbest game of chump ever. Fat Hulk pukes and walks away. Tammy asks Jonny what color are her eyes, he gets it wrong and has to eat crickets and chug beer. I'm glad I didn't go to college. Fat Hulk then gets impaled by the biggest drill bit I've ever seen. I'm surprised to see that the beer in the keg they are chugging from is Arrogant Bastard IPA. Wow. That's actually kind of impressive. Tammy runs into Creepy Sawyer Dude. He spits in a cup.

More Divine Chaos! These guys really aren't that bad for a horror punk band no one has ever heard of. Tammy leaves to go talk to Captain Jack-off and Jonny has more Pumpkin Karver hallucinations. Jonny gets cut ever so gently on the face by the Pumpkin Karver's eye laser. I would definitely be in a pumpkin carving contest to win a 12 box of Arrogant Bastard! Sign me up son! They need one more carver to start and of course, what do you know it's CAPTAIN JACK-OFF!! Jonny finishes in 5 seconds AND he didn't blink or even look at the pumpkin! No wonder Tammy gets wet over him.

Main Slutty Girls 2 & 3 go looking for #1 and they find an outhouse with #1 in it and her face is carved up! Ha ha! She actually looks better like this. I'm a sick mother. Tammy tries convincing Captain Jack-off that he needs to grow some kiwis and leave her alone while Bone Daddy and Spinner are so drunk they want to have sex with pumpkins in the pumpkin patch. Bone Daddy gets killed in a hilarious and most metaphorical manner. Amy is looking for all the missing people and runs into Captain Jack-off in a grain silo. Can someone kill this asshole? Anyone? Anyone?

Tammy sees Main Slutty Girl #1 was made into a scarecrow and then gets chased by none other then the Pumpkin Karver himself. Amy then sees Captain Jack-off's dead body all mutilated. That's a shame because I wanted the pleasure of torturing that jealous bastard. Creepy Sawyer Dude pops out of no where and tries to get Amy to stab him but Jonny flies in to save his sister. It gets even more confusing than it has been for the last half of the film because Jonny is against Creepy Sawyer Dude, then he turns into the Pumpkin Karver and then when he reveals himself, he's Amy's asshole boyfriend that Jonny killed in the first place. Then he stabs the shit out of him again for a second go. Then it's Creepy Sawyer Dude. Sweet Jesus. 

Honestly, the only reason anyone should watch this movie is because of how hot Amy Weber is and to laugh at how idiotic the characters are, especially Spinner and Bone Daddy. They truly steal the show. Watch it if only once at halloween time. Time to put some pumpkin seeds in the oven with a little salt and sugar. It's only January.   




Saturday, January 17, 2015

Street Trash

Street Trash is a fantastic slime/goop fest released in 1987 for low budget freaks of nature to consume along with bottles of Tenafly Viper contained within. I wish I was a teenager back then instead of only 2 or 3 years old. It would've been a really sticky and sloppy experience to have either went to the theater or to the video rental store to have rented and downed this derelict piece of toilet sludge. The copy of this film that I own is the Synapse Films version on dvd. The cover art is featured at the top of this page and in some ways, I like it better. It makes me feel all warm and cinnamony on the inside like a hot apple pie from McDonalds.

 Yuck. That's disgusting.
This epic of bums and sleaze opens with a hobo stealing a bottle of liquor from the liquor store, the store owner farts in his face, and then his fat ass chases him through the streets. The bum climbs a fire escape ladder into an apartment building that's on fire, smacks a naked chick on the booty and steals stuff from the night stand. He's not selfish. Not at all. After getting almost crushed by a garbage truck (how ironic) we get to see the main boss or villain I guess that has his throne made of whatever random trash he could find from the junkyard and always has some sort of tarp over him while he's doing dirty things to his girlfriend. Which is basically 24/7 in this film.
    Ed is in the basement of his liquor store looking for used condoms or something, and he finds a box of this weird purple alcoholic drank called "Tenafly Viper". Ed says something about rot gut under his breath and then he puts the crate of Viper up for sale for a dollar a bottle. He's really looking out for his #1 customer's, ain't he. Our favorite vietnam vet-psychopathic dumpster diver starts humping some nerdy couples car and proceeds to smash the guys head through the windshield. This is right where the beloved melt-away slime starts oozing in.
Stank crutch drinks his Tenafly and then MELTS INTO A TOILET. Glorious, gaky blues and greens. Makes me cry a little. A homeless kid tells an asian girl that he was dreaming about two dogs humping, or something? Wow. Nevermind.
Hey, it's that fat bastard that played the mayor of Tromaville in the toxie movies! It's really not that exciting. More pointless hobo chatter. A black street loser with a pretty cool looking gas mask for absolutely no reason. Another lazy dirt pile goes into Ed's and buys a bottle of Viper and tells him his life story of betting LITERALLY EVERYTHING he had and losing it all. I guess what happens in Vegas really, truly stays in Vegas. 
Aww, the lose it all bum just melted into what looks like Aunt Martha's lemon jell-o mold left over from Thanksgiving. Damn, now I want desert. King garbage is at it again with his girlfriend, sans tarp this time. He sees that asian girl from earlier and I think he wants some Chinese food. Black gas mask hobo steals a bunch of random groceries, gets pretty racist with the store manager, puts a paper bag over his head and breaks through a window. I forgot how truly hilarious this movie really was.
We then move to a monologue with Sultan Trash and him babbling about some crap that happened in NAM that no one cares about juxtaposed with a pan and scan of pretty much the whole junkyard and all of it's main inhabitants that haven't melted into piles of my little pony shit as of yet. Inside that palace o' tires, black gas mask hobo, the kid and the main street guy are chatting about that cop that's trying to figure out what or who is melting the bums. Honestly, why am I even trying to follow what little plot there is?
 Dumpster Davey has some flashbacks about NAM. Main street guy takes some drunk bimbo back with him. He pretty much rapes her. Mr. Hard boiled throws one of the street scum in the paddy wagon with a bunch of hookers and tells him he needs a shower. Get him some soap on a rope while your at it. After his shower, he kind looks like Lloyd Kaufman and Mr. Rodgers had a kid. Now that's funny.
THE FAT MAYOR OF TROMAVILLE JUST SCREWED A DEAD CHICK NEXT TO THE RIVER. WOW. Honestly, I'm impressed. You know what else I'm impressed by at this point in the film? A GUY'S DICK GETS CUT OFF AND THEN THE ENTIRE JUNKYARD PROCEEDS TO PLAY A ROUSING GAME OF "HIDE THE PENIS" OR "PENIS IN THE MIDDLE". Which ever you prefer, this scene is epic in pretty much every way.
The whole rest of the film focus's on Mr. Hard boiled trying to figure out who killed the girl and what's causing those homeless guys to melt. The whole purpose of the movie is to bring the broad spectrum of societies different tiers to light and pretty much make fun of every single one of them in a dirty, scummy, slime encrusted layer that only Street Trash can deliver on it's own time. And on it's own merit. Now I think I'll skip showering for 2 months and hang out with a van full of prostitutes. 


Friday, January 16, 2015

The Janitor

The Janitor was released on dvd by Elite Entertainment in 2005. The only reason I even had heard of this film was because I randomly saw an ad for it some sort of trashy horror or b-movie rag at borders (before the one in Champaign closed down). Unfortunately, I don't remember which one it was. And then I tracked down the trailer (I'll post it at the end for you to see as well if you haven't) and sweet deep fried Jesus I had to find a copy of this movie! The trailer alone was enough for me to want to see this should-of-been Troma film as it is loaded with tons of unnecessary nudity, sex, gore, violence and any of the usual Troma or other wise low budget business.
Sorry, wrong movie.
The film begins with Lionel doing the usual janitor bullshit, you know-cleaning toilets, stalls and urinals full of piss and poo? And then some jackass with some serious office/morning wood gives Lionel a nice warm golden shower while he's detailing the grout in the bathroom with a toothbrush. Another reason to brush your teeth before heading to bed. He then ties him to a chair out in the field behind the office building, waters him down with some good old lighter fluid and sends his hair-in-a-can wearing ass to hell in a magnificent ball of flames. I love low budget indie films.
Lionel and Mr. Grobow talk about some dumb janitor gar-bitch and then we see they live in the janitor's closet in the building with only pillows and blankets. Huh. I guess I AM doing better than someone in the custodial arts. Lionel gets pissed because his boss suggests he gets a second job because "he can't afford all the extra hours he's been working.'' A desk jockey ass-hat makes a snide remark, gets a hilariously sarcastic plunger to the face and then gets thrown off the roof on the parking lot. Mannequin style.
Lloyd Kaufman gets his arm ripped off in broad daylight next to a dumpster with a huge Troma sign on it. Product placement or shameless advertising? You figure it out. Lionel has a date with one of the office whores, Hillary. He gets ready by scrubbing his armpits with a car wash sponge and gurgles some Windex. You've got a killer scene there man. He heads to the park and waits all night only to find two dumb asses putting graffiti on the wall of a building. He then stabs one of them in the eye, breaks the others leg off and "paints the wall with it" rips the other guys heart out through his back and curb stomps his ENTIRE HEAD INTO A FUCKING MESS OF BLOOD AND GOOP. Were only 17:43 in here folks.
He picks up some weird hooker, she gives him some head, he has a day dream sort of thing with him and Hillary washing windows and eating some guys arm. Then he decapitates her and her mouth is still stuck on his dick. Hilarious. 
  FBI Agent Page informs everyone in the office about the decapitated hooker and how the killer's jizz was still in her mouth. Dear god. Agent Page has his two idiotic partners take Lionel's jizz to be dna tested, but Lionel and Mr. Grobow intercept them and then... Mr. Grobow drink's Lionel's "stuff" from the container so no one will find it. "Mmmm, salty." My wife almost threw up. So did I.
Lloyd Kaufman gets his other arm ripped off. After finding out Hillary quit, Lionel goes to a bar and meets three sorority girls. Glory is the sexy one. She really reminds me of a smaller version of Elke the Stallion. If you don't know who she is, please look up some pictures of her on Google or Bing. You won't be disappointed. Mr. Grobow loses his shit when Lionel tells him that he's starting to work at the sorority house next week. I think Mr. Grobow is gay or homo-erotic or just plain weird. Either of them really.
Lionel tells his boss that he's going to start cleaning a sorority house and then two office dingleberries come around the corner to piss off Lionel as much as possible. They dump coffee on the ground, hock loogies, piss and shit on his work boots. And then they have to clean it up because their boss catches them. What a pity. After a week passes, Willis takes Lionel and Mr. Grobow's place and Lionel is getting ready to start cleaning at the sorority house.
As a man, of course I love this scene. It's in there for me and all of the other testosterone fuled horror freaks out there to enjoy. It's all just a gory, campy, sexually charged-carnage fest from here on out after Lionel finds out that Mr. Grobow stole his spot at the sorority house out of spite and jealousy. I would tell you about the end, but I really don't want to ruin it for you if you haven't seen this film already. If you watch the trailer below and are interested, find a copy physically or online somewhere because to be honest and fair, The Janitor kicks some serious indie film ass and anyone that's a Troma fan will eat this up for dinner. Make sure to do the dishes. Ketchup stains are a bitch.   

Thursday, January 15, 2015


Oh, Sledgehammer. You are considered to be one of the first SOV horror films ever conceived. Well, some other horror collectors and aficionados say that Boardinghouse or Blood Cult were the first. Honestly, who gives a rats ass. That's like heavy metal buffs bitching that Deep Purple or Led Zeppelin were THE FIRST METAL BAND(S) before Black Sabbath. You see my friends, it is true that those two bands did use more heavy or distorted guitar work before Sabbath even came to be, but Sabbath actually created the genre from scratch before "heavy metal" was even coined as a label for a musical genre in the first place.


I digress.

 Sledgehammer is one of the first SOV horror films to be released to home video and rental stores (back before the great black hole that is our greedy ass corporate influx destroyed the indie mom and pop scene that our country was built on in the first place) in 1983. Since this is my first actual post on here, and I haven't watched Sledgehammer in a tad bit of a while, this one isn't going to be 100% or really well written for that matter. Just fair warning for you stick stickley's out there.

This movie has a CRAP LOAD of slow motion. As padding and as a way to try to evoke an uneasy feeling out of the viewer. One of the slow motion scenes has Ted Prior (of Playgirl fame) extremely slowly putting a can of beer on his girlfriends head to balance it as they walk to the house so they can start partying. Another scene is insanely pointless as you hear them make fun of each other as they unpack the van they drove in and THE CAMERA FOCUS'S ON THE PILE OF LUGGAGE GETTING THROWN ON THE GROUND. What the sweet jesus?! Really? Ok. That's interesting. PADDING.

They finally get in the house. The guys are being dick's to one another and to their respective girls. Relationships have never changed as time has passed. Anyway, Ted Prior has a really fucked up (and I mean piss drunkard fucked up) face and says "gentlemen, I think it's about time we get pretty shit-faced." He then proceeds to drink some sort of whisky and shit beer right after each other. What a boss. Everyone dances like idiots.

I forgot to even mention the whole reason for the ginormous, sledgehammer wielding apparition, ghost guy. Basically, the kid's mom, the kid and some nutsack are at the farmhouse years and years prior to the Ted and friends showing up to goof off. The mother locks her kid in one of the closets or bedrooms or whatever so her and Mr. Peanut can have a good old time spanking each other instead of him. The kid then takes it upon himself to smash their skulls in with a sledgehammer and then the movie starts. Yeah. No real tie in folks. Just one huge, dump truck sized plot hole after another. That's how this film rolls.

Let's get back on track. Ted's beefcake ass plays an acoustic guitar outside the barn and then we cut to probably ONE OF THE GREATEST FOOD FIGHT SCENE'S IN CINEMA HISTORY. I'm pretty sure it goes on for at least 7-8 minutes. No joke. You have the red headed guy shove an entire freaking sandwich in his mouth in about 10 seconds. The whole table is littered with bottles of liquor and people get mayo and mustard dumped on their heads. So epic. Easily my favorite and most entertaining part of the movie (and that's pathetic).

Good old Teddie decides he want's to have some "real fun" so he turns out all the lights and tells everyone the story about what happened at the beginning of the film. Everyone seems to be into it. But old Stripes is in the other room with some half-assed boom box rig that can play weird noises through some speakers that are in the house. Pfft.

Sledgey comes down the stairs and stabs stripes in the neck and then gives him a sweet floor- down decapitation. What a nice guy. Basically the whole rest of the film is Sledgy knocking the cast of the movie down with his hammer one by one. Pornstache and his blondie girlfriend decide to take each others clothes off while this is all going on and they get obliterated as well. How quaint. You also get to witness the hammer appear and disappear in a corner of the house a couple of times and Ted Prior does some pseudo wresting moves on old Sledgy. He should've stuck with porn for women.

All in all, if you're a fan of extremely low budget gar-ditch from the 80's, Sledgehammer does not disappoint. It has Ted Prior, a disappearing sledgehammer, tons of pointless slow motion for film padding and one of the greatest food fight scenes of all time immortalized on vhs/dvd for anyone to rot their brains with. Now go make me a sandwich so I can shove the whole thing in my mouth in under 10 seconds.