Death Bed The Bed That Eats

My wife and I used to frequent the Barnes and Nobles in the Champaign/Urbana area and they have a pretty vast and obscure selection of horror dvds and blu-ray. Hence, every time I walked to the back where the media section was, there was always a really bizarre title that caught my attention with every trip: Death Bed the Bed that Eats. I would always go to the horror section to see if it was still there because I wanted to know if any one else had seen this dvd sitting there or even knew what the hell kind of a horror film could be possibly named Death Bed the Bed that Eats. It was in the same spot every time I went back there, and for all I know, it still is. The copy I have though isn't that copy that I had grown a small relationship with at the Champaign B&N. Oh no. Not at all. I stumbled upon a copy at the Disc Replay here in Crest Hill. It's a title for a film (or anything really) that you'll either dismiss immediately because of how ridiculous it sounds, or you'll just be intrigued and want to do anything to try to watch it. Whoever George Barry is, he must've been on some serious substance abuse when he put his one and only film together back in '77. What's weird is is that I thought I would remember more of this particular movie because of how messed up it is, but I really don't. Corey's dad from Boy meets World is in it. There's something about a sandwich. And a giant bed dissolving people. The rest is up for anyone to decipher.
 

Mind warping, surreal horror from the late 70's?
 

Give it to me baby.
 

The film awakens from its slumber by a black screen, some really gross munching sounds from the bed eating someone and the word "Breakfast" appearing in some white, american gothic looking font. It gets pointless and weird right from the beginning. Some guy's spirit is trapped behind a painting of the bed he painted in the room for more than sixty years. That wrought iron gate is pretty damn loud. A couple is walking through a grassy area, the girl says she's afraid and then the bed closes the door on them from the inside. How the hell does a bed close a door? And laughs while he's at it?? The bed opens a door for the couple on the side of the building and then blows out the fireplace. Things are starting to get rowdy in this bitch.
 

    The guy puts their bag of food on the bed and lights a candle even though it's clear as day in there. Who's he kidding? Time to get naked on the death bed. While the couple are making out like 15 year olds on one side of the bed, the bed eats the apples, drinks the wine and chews up the whole bucket of Kenny Rodger's chicken. The bed closes it's curtains and eats the couple. This jackass is HUNGRY. Then we finally get the weird, depressing theme song and the title credits. After 10 1/2 minutes. Damn that's a long opening.
 

The bed is now snoring. That's funny. A BED that's SLEEPING. Wrap your head around that one. More pointless back story from the behind-the-painting guy and then the bed swallows a fly buzzing in the room. Dear Jesus. Now it's "Lunch" quickly in more american gothic font! A black woman and two younger girls show up looking for the place where the death bed is. The girl in pink reminds me of John Tardy from Obituary (look up pictures of the band, you'll see what I mean). I want this chick in the back of the car to get eaten by the bed already. Black Denim and John Tardy go into that same side door that the bed lured the couple into at the beginning. Right before they walk in you can hear a random voice say "not yet." Why? the bed is famished. Let him eat something. Or some one.
 

John Tardy lays down on the death bed. Behind-the-painting guy says the bed is afraid of her. Maybe the bed has indigestion. Maybe he's an Obituary fan. Inked in Blood is a great death metal album. Back-of-car chick is changing her clothes in front of the bed and... the bed seems to be getting horny. Yeah. I don't know what to say here. 

 COREY'S DAD FROM BOY MEETS WORLD!
 

The bed is making Back-of-car chick have really fucked dreams about eating a silver platter full of caterpillars, that green shit from Troll 2 and some weird looking cockroaches or something. The bed is breathing like a smoking asthmatic as it undresses the girl, keeps the flowers she brought as a souvenir and then starts cutting into her neck with the necklace she's wearing and then slowly starts eating her for lunch. Her feet are bleeding. There's Ajax dish soap everywhere son.  The bed starts laughing manically, dissolves the girl as his next big meal and then red flowers start growing out of her skull OUTSIDE IN THE FIELD. This bed has some sweet magic. John Tardy and Black Denim are having a quiet picnic outside and the bed downs a bottle of Peptol-Bismal. Now THAT'S a quality scene right there. A bed drinking Peptol. Oh man, it only get's even better from here.

The bed swallows a priest who's reading the bible before bed time. More dish soap. Give us this day our daily bread. The bed then devours an old, fat lady reading some lesbian newspaper, a copy of Tropic of Cancer, a teddy bear, and Forest Gump's sister complete with leg brace. Damn, he just can't get enough. Matthew McConaughey's slow cousin decides to use the bed to make money by having his hooker friend have sex with people on it. They get greedy, have a big orgy on the death bed, and it eats everyone all at the same time. This could be a new kind of underground porn.
 

Bicycle Willy and Jim Jones show up and play the worst game of cards I've ever witnessed. "This is the stupidest hideout I've ever seen." You're telling me. Bicycle Willy gets paranoid and looks at his hand. "Is this some kind of joke?" What the movie? Of course it is. This scene contains some of the greatest gunshot special effects in a movie EVER. The sound of the gun is extremely delayed, no muzzle flash at all and when Bicycle Willy gets the gun after Jim Jones gets eaten by the bed, it doesn't even make any sound when he shoots it at the bed. Freaking fantatsic. Oh, and Jim Jones still puffs on his cigar AS THE BED SWALLOWS HIM. What a fucking epic way to go. He probably figured he needed one last puff before he was mattress food. Wait, what? Keep watching.
 

   No one REALLY CARES how the death bed came to be, we just want to see him eat people. The bed is playing an organ and eating a shoe at the same time. Wow. Black Denim and John Tardy are trying to find Back-of-car chick, but they don't know she was eaten by good old Posture Pedic. Best to have the sheets pulled over their eyes? I couldn't help myself. Black Denim pours herself a little drinky-drink and then it's "dinner" time.
 

  John Tardy is trying to figure out what happened to the car and Black Denim is getting krunk. John Tardy finds a "book of dead people" and tries to convince Black Denim that they are both in it. The pages are blank. Then BD looks into the fireplace and all of a sudden the pages are all foil! Now you CAN see yourself in it. Temper Pedic tries to eat BD but she manages to escape his grip and crawls all the way to the door. Sealy then flings a curtain to grab BD and drags her towards him to finish his lovely dinner of Chocolate Dungarees. Man this is one hungry set of box springs. Holy shnikes, it's Corey's dad! He's looking for John Tardy and of course ends up in the room with her and the bedding expert.
 

Death bed proceeds to spit out a bunch of eyeballs and then sucks them back in. Don't you think they would've been freaked out by this? No reaction huh. This scene is even more empty and emotionless because NEITHER OF THEM REACT AT ALL TO WHAT JUST HAPPENED. Corey's dad tries stabbing the bed with a big ass kitchen knife, but the bed just dissolves the flesh right off of his hands TO THE BONE, and neither of them makes a peep or bats an eye. Holy shit. Corey's dad asked JT to break off the rest of the bones left from his hands and she pretty much does it unflinchingly. That takes a lot of cojones. Now his hand bones are burning in the fireplace.
 

Oh boy. "The just dessert." Behind-the-painting guy tells JT to get Corey's dad the hell out of there. She then cuts a circle of blood around the bed, and then has to put one of Corey's dad's finger bones and the hair from Black Denim in the circle. The circle spontaneously com-busts and the bed is transported outside. Then Dead Tardy comes out of her grave, drags Corey's dad into the circle and the bed bursts into flames.
 

What an epic bed time story. Better than Aesop.
 

But seriously, you need to be on some hard psychotropic meds to be able to appreciate this movie, let alone to even begin to give a shit about the actual "plot" if you even want to bother trying to follow it. The whole draw of this film is the idea that someone actually made a movie about a bed that eats people. That in and of itself is a jacked up idea, let alone everything that actually happens within the movie. George Barry, please make a second movie. I would love to see it. I just wet the bed. I need a new mattress.