Pumpkin Karver

Well, this film flew under pretty much under every horror buddy of mine's radar. Except for me of course. My wife and I were still living in Champaign, IL at the time and it was the weekend. I still worked at a facility in that area for adults and children of the developmental disability sort and it was fall or somewhere around halloween time. I was looking for something to add to my horror collection that either was indie or just completely a blind buy that I just never knew existed. This film was it. We were in the walmart in Urbana and I was browsing what used to be a pretty decently sized horror section that walmart used to stock on a regular basis, and I saw numerous copies of this film all over the shelves because no one knew what it was, heard of it or really gave a sweet shit about it. But I bought it. And it is glorious.

Entertaining yet crappy slasher from 2006?

Yes please.

The movie gets going with random dumb kids trick or treating, some old guy with a knife jumps out of the bushes to scare the little shits and the incredibly sexy Amy Weber in a very soft looking bath robe. She used to be a pro wrestler in WWE. I need to watch wrestling more often. Then her idiotic boyfriend with really gay looking devil horns shows up to ruin everything. Oooooooh joy. All the while her brother is stabbing, (cough) I mean carving a jack-o-lantern. I really hope Amy's boyfriend dies horribly. He's such a dick-face. Amy is in the garage looking for whatever she can find to wear (or not) as a costume for halloween. Then she thinks her boyfriend walks in. And it is. But her brother doesn't know that and he stabs him in the eye! Yes, my diabolical prayers for this douche bag to die have been answered!

So, an entire year after Jonathan ever so fantastically stabbed Amy's boyfriend to death, they move to a town called Carver. How original. Not really. I guess the killer needs to get his name from somewhere, right? The old farmer character is first brought in here and everytime that I've watched this movie, I can't help but feel like his demeanor for the script was inspired by someone from the Sawyer family. A very mediocre Sawyer family. More college dipshits=higher body count. I can't wait! Why the hell is this guy doing Austin Powers voices when those movies came out like 10 years prior? This just keeps getting better.

CUE THE THREE DIRTY TRAMPS!

Worst version of Charlies Angels I've ever seen. Wait, I have the movies on dvd. Forget it. I think I just realized after this being probably my fifth or sixth viewing of this that pretty much NO ONE IN THIS FILM IS ATTRACTIVE except for Amy Weber and the girl that she's trying to hook Jonathan up with. Ugly people. Jonny gets freaked out by a mental version of the Pumpkin Karver. And now Tammy Boiles, the cute artsy chick in the film.

THE TWO BEST CHARACTERS IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE, BONE DADDY AND SPINNER!     

They show up on razor scooters wearing togas and olive leaves as their costumes. Heh. I laugh to myself every time. Even with the first grade drawing of their "map of the party", they are still a little to excited about it. More mental disturbance in the pumpkin patch. Although I think I'd rather be face to face with The Pumkin Karver than seeing Bone Daddy and Spinner's asses with jack-o-lanterns painted on them. Just saying. Fat Hulk, Captain Jack-off and Puffy Shirt are here to waste Tammy's time because Captain Jack-off can't grow a dick and move on. How sad. 

A pretty decent horror punk band loosely in the vain of The Misfits called Divine Chaos? I'm all in son! Puffy Shirt and Main Slutty Girl #1 are in a van getting crazy. She slaps him in the face, why? You're the one giving him a massive woody and YOU'RE PISSED OFF?! Women. Sheesh. She then gets whacked by someone with a straight blade. Darn. Tammy tips over a whole wheel barrel full of pumpkins and then Fat Hulk appears to comfort her. "The Hulk is always right (flexes) and tight." Dear Lord, this dialogue is a fun mess.

Creepy Sawyer Dude makes Jonny jump and he tells him his jack-o-lantern is a piece of crap with his brown, snus teeth. Then he makes Jonny follow him to his shed where all of his jack-o-lanterns that he carved are stored. To be real, all of his lanterns aren't any better than what I've done in the past. I know that Creepy Sawyer Dude really is trying to be creepy, but it's really more silly than anything. You just can't take this film seriously. Not for one second.

We cut to all of the college kids around a campfire with Bone Daddy and Spinner hosting the dumbest game of chump ever. Fat Hulk pukes and walks away. Tammy asks Jonny what color are her eyes, he gets it wrong and has to eat crickets and chug beer. I'm glad I didn't go to college. Fat Hulk then gets impaled by the biggest drill bit I've ever seen. I'm surprised to see that the beer in the keg they are chugging from is Arrogant Bastard IPA. Wow. That's actually kind of impressive. Tammy runs into Creepy Sawyer Dude. He spits in a cup.

More Divine Chaos! These guys really aren't that bad for a horror punk band no one has ever heard of. Tammy leaves to go talk to Captain Jack-off and Jonny has more Pumpkin Karver hallucinations. Jonny gets cut ever so gently on the face by the Pumpkin Karver's eye laser. I would definitely be in a pumpkin carving contest to win a 12 box of Arrogant Bastard! Sign me up son! They need one more carver to start and of course, what do you know it's CAPTAIN JACK-OFF!! Jonny finishes in 5 seconds AND he didn't blink or even look at the pumpkin! No wonder Tammy gets wet over him.

Main Slutty Girls 2 & 3 go looking for #1 and they find an outhouse with #1 in it and her face is carved up! Ha ha! She actually looks better like this. I'm a sick mother. Tammy tries convincing Captain Jack-off that he needs to grow some kiwis and leave her alone while Bone Daddy and Spinner are so drunk they want to have sex with pumpkins in the pumpkin patch. Bone Daddy gets killed in a hilarious and most metaphorical manner. Amy is looking for all the missing people and runs into Captain Jack-off in a grain silo. Can someone kill this asshole? Anyone? Anyone?

Tammy sees Main Slutty Girl #1 was made into a scarecrow and then gets chased by none other then the Pumpkin Karver himself. Amy then sees Captain Jack-off's dead body all mutilated. That's a shame because I wanted the pleasure of torturing that jealous bastard. Creepy Sawyer Dude pops out of no where and tries to get Amy to stab him but Jonny flies in to save his sister. It gets even more confusing than it has been for the last half of the film because Jonny is against Creepy Sawyer Dude, then he turns into the Pumpkin Karver and then when he reveals himself, he's Amy's asshole boyfriend that Jonny killed in the first place. Then he stabs the shit out of him again for a second go. Then it's Creepy Sawyer Dude. Sweet Jesus. 

Honestly, the only reason anyone should watch this movie is because of how hot Amy Weber is and to laugh at how idiotic the characters are, especially Spinner and Bone Daddy. They truly steal the show. Watch it if only once at halloween time. Time to put some pumpkin seeds in the oven with a little salt and sugar. It's only January.