Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Happy Thanksgiving! Christmas! New Years! All that shit!


This is going to be my final post for 2016 zits and zombies.

And I just wanted to give my thanks for supporting me this year while my writing has become more organized and streamlined.

Thank you.

I have some pretty cool ideas for different things I want to write about this coming year, and I hope you'll join me on my journey. I live for horror, and horror lives for me. I breathe it in everyday, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Have a fantastic Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.

Rocketing into 2017.

Can't believe it.

Wouldn't miss it for anything.

See you in January you slime covered bastards.


Monday, November 21, 2016

Top five worst of the year + runners up (2016)

I can't believe that my second year writing on Cinema Slayer is coming to a close. Once again, I have discovered some really great horror flicks to wet my palette over this past year, but I have also dug up some turds that curl my nose hair worse than the shitty organic peroxide at my new (horrible) place of employment. I need to get out of there.

As soon as possible.

You know what time it is, zits and zombies. It's time to point at, laugh, make fun of and downright publicly annihilate the worst of the worst that I ran across this year in a last ditch effort to make you horror freaks stay away from these dino-shits as much as possible.

Here we go.

#5. Dr. Hackenstein

I'm going to be honest here-I think that Dr. Hackenstein is one of the most boring offerings that Troma has ever bothered to put into print. And that's putting it lightly. This is basically their version of Frakenstein, but nothing ever really happens. It just kind of plods along, the doctor is experimenting with bringing the dead back to life, plods along, some old lady gets annoying really quickly, plods along, and then it's over. Ugh.

#4. The Victorville Massacre

What can I say about The Victorville Massacre? Not a whole lot. It's one of the most mediocre indie horror flicks I've seen in quite some time, all of the characters are deplorable and you just have that craving for them to bite the bullet. You want them to get killed. And they do. Especially since the main guy in this film has a house party, a ton of hot chicks show up, but instead of getting some lovins', he decides to play Wii bowling in his living room by himself. What a pear shaped loser. Actually, he's kind of on the thin side, but you get where I'm going.

#3. Gut

This is one of those murder-mystery type fright flicks where the film wants you "to work to figure out who the killer is"-but the way the entire thing is pieced together just makes it to damn easy and obvious. There's no mystery here. I figured it out within the first ten minutes or so and once that happened it was just fucking boring. The kills were un-eventful, the plot was a real slow burn and I'm still on the fence about Gut as a whole. Just pass it up. Your better off churning butter by hand than sitting through this. 

#2. Psycho Beach Party

This is where my hope for this year started to wane. This is the film that made me want to stick my head in one of my yard waste bins and set the leaves on fire with my face stuck in the middle of them. I really don't know where to begin with this jar of fermented piss, but everything about Psycho Beach Party made me want to run head first into the opposite lane on the highway. Everything about this movie is at the bottom-plot, acting, dialogue, camera work...it's just to much for one horror reviewer to handle. The icing on the cake, of course, has to be the fact that the detective is a guy dressed in drag. Why, oh why. 

#1. Die Cheerleader Die

All I'm really going to say is that Die Cheerleader Die forced me to stop after 35 minutes. If that isn't any indication of the quality of what is contained herein, I really don't think I want or care to find out. This piece of goat shit is a travesty. There is no reason for it to exist, and I really feel sorry for everyone that was involved in making such a train wreck of a film. The acting is so stiff that I thought I had morning-wood while I was watching it, and the scene where one of the girls is giving her boyfriend head and he gets strangled while that is happening is where I had to draw the line. How the hell do you not notice something like that? And why did I even attempt to watch this? I just hold my head in failure.  

Runners Up

Para Elisa

I didn't like Para Elisa mainly because I thought there were some scenes that felt just downright lazy and the director decided to copy off of one of the best scenes out of one of my favorite Stephen King movies, Misery. There's a scene where the main girl gets her legs broken by a sledgehammer so she can't escape. Sound familiar? Thought so.

The Nightmare

Let's get this out of the way. I really love documentaries, but The Nightmare is just stupid. I know that these people believe what happened to them actually happened, but c'mon... are you really going to remember that far back when you were in a crib and some aliens made out of static walked up to you out of nowhere and abducted you? Get real.  

American Psycho 2

I'll admit it, the only reason I even bothered with this is because Mila Kunis is in it. Yeah. That's it. I didn't expect William Shatner to show up in this God-forsaken heap either. But here both of them are, totally ruining a sequel that was going to bomb either way whether they were in it or not. I can't, I just can't... if I'm going to watch something with Mila starring in it, I'll just stick with That 70's Show. Not gutter-lining like this. Puke. That's a funny word-you don't have to think about that. 

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Bloody Birthday

(Requested by: Dustin Shipanik)

There are a lot of horror flicks that have the word "massacre" in the title. And, I'm starting to find out that there are also a lot with the word "bloody" as well. I had my usual pre-emptive ideas about what was going to happen in Bloody Birthday-a party, lots of hot 80's girls, nudity, teen sex, alcohol, blood and people getting killed because someone has to assume that job in these kinds of movies. Well, some of that shows up in this flick, but in all truth here, I really was kind of disturbed by the fact that Debbie, Steven and Curtis have no conscience what-so-ever. It's also difficult to be able to get kids like this thrown in prison (or better yet, death row) because they are minors and kids love to lie, cheat and steal. And they are all innocent, sweet and kind, right? Wrong. This shows right here that no matter what age anyone is, they can be just as much of a murderer as anyone who is an adult. And if they are just naturally born with some kind of blood-lust, it's over. I actually enjoyed Bloody Birthday because it has every inclination to be a serious scare film-and for me, it worked. Just the premise alone is disturbing. Three kids that love to kill. Talk about being born under a bad sign.

Hellooooo, nurse!

Would a solar eclipse really effect the birth of a baby?

I've played this ambulance game before, I just never knew that's what it was called.


If it's a school night, why would the sheriff ask an entire class of grade school kids if they were in the cemetery late at night?

"What if she catches us?" "No way, all of her brains are in her bra."

This is the first nerdy-ass kid I've ever seen in a movie that has some balls. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

Everyone is a peeping tom. Let's be honest with ourselves.

Torn from the pages of Friday the 13th.

A bed sheet ghost, driving a car, trying to run over Joyce in the junkyard. I don't know whether to laugh or clap. Eh, I'll do both.

Astronomy. Great Blue Oyster Cult song. Not so great for children being born. 

 This is going to sound sick on my part, but the scene where Joyce finds Curtis in the kitchen covering all of the cakes with to much frosting and a bottle of ant poison in his hand, kind of made me wonder if they were going to go in the route of Jim Jones. I mean, the whole town was there celebrating the birthday of Debbie, Curtis and Steven, and they were all downing that cake like they never ate any before. And if Curtis really did put ant poison in the frosting-Jonestown Massacre all over again. That's actually what I was hoping for. But, nope. The one time he could've committed a huge kill all at once was wasted. I'm disappointed in you Curtis. I thought you were better than that. Bloody Birthday has some creepy and perverted moments that make me glad it made it's way onto blu-ray. Cake for everyone! Just don't invite Curtis. 

Friday, November 18, 2016

Bloody Murder

There are so many homages and rip-offs of actual horror movies out there, it will make your head spin clean off. And of course, there's always a low-brow version of Friday the 13th somewhere hiding in the shadows-and I know you guys have at least heard of one of them. I'm pretty sure that Bloody Murder isn't one of them. It can't be. I didn't even know this shit existed until I picked up the four pack with this, it's sequel, Junior and Deadly Species. Yes, there is a horror film called Junior. And no, it's not the one where Arnold gets pregnant-although you could say that is a horror movie for completely different reasons. Bloody Murder is basically if Lifetime or The Hallmark Channel decided to start producing their own horror flicks and didn't really know how to go about it other than ripping off what was already out there. Some swearing, some blood, a really crappy, cheap killer for the villain (that you never actually get to see) and an off screen kill with a chainsaw. Once. Oh boy. I'm very excited.

    Leaving your pregnant wife in the middle of the forest, by herself, so you can walk back 30 miles to get some gas. That's smart.

 Is this the Lifetime version of Jason?

 She's reading. That's hot.

Grow a pair. Both of you. And get to work.

What the hell is this, Dawson's Creek?

 Michael Richard's retarded grandpa. That's great.

"Bloody Murder" sounds just as gay as the game of tag itself.

Aww. What a soft piece of shit.

Look's like "90's cool guy" pee-peed all over himself.

So, when does Dean get whacked? He deserves it right about now.

A fat sheriff. Yusssssssss.

The internet has come a long way.

Trevor Moorehouse made a poopie.

Yeah... time for some camp killing.

Bloody Murder is much more entertaining than you would expect it to be because of it's Hallmark Channel/ABC Family/Lifetime vibe that wafts so effortlessly off into the air like opening a sealed package of Limburger cheese for the first time. At first it smells and tastes like fucking garbage, but at about the midway point, it somehow attaches itself to you and won't let go until you've seen the end. Movies like this don't happen out in the wild very often, and when they do, you only watch them every couple of years so they don't spoil on you. Keep them in the freezer for a while. Aluminum foil is the key here.      

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

During my long and kind of pointless tenure at my previous employer (before I was so stupidly fired) I found out about this cult Canadian film through a co-worker. He told me that when he was growing up, his parents used to own a movie rental store and Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter was one of the random ones he went home with one night to just watch for the hell of it on VHS. I'm sure that was something. He also told me that he watched all of the Faces of Death volumes and other grotesqueness that lined the shelves at his parents rental shop. But Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter sounded interesting. And hilarious. And me being me, I had to hunt down a copy for my moldy-ass collection. If I recall correctly, that very weekend when I drove over to Disc Replay, they had three or four copies of it in the horror section. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! I slapped my green down, brought it home, and later that night (or early morning rather) I took the disc out of the case, stood there with my thumb and index fingers holding it up with the ceiling light glaring off of it exclaiming "you better be right, Powerhouse" as I shoved it into my dvd player. Boy, was he ever. To bad I'll never see him again.  

Sloppiest Rabbi ever to practice.

A priest with a huge mohawk. This is going to be fun.

This music is like something out of Shadowgate mixed with The Terminator.

     Lesbian vampires. Cool. And sexy.

Ride a moped.

See, now, if Jesus was an actual person I could talk to or hang out with, I'd be more inclined to be religious. 

Ha! Jesus got kicked in the nuts!

Now that the Son of God got a haircut and a shave, he looks like Randy Blythe from Lamb of God. Coincidence?

If this huge group of idiots are Atheists, instead of physically fighting Jesus, wouldn't they be questioning if this guy really is Jesus?

Mary Magnum has a fat ass.

This guy is perfect as a mad doctor.

 Looks like Jesus got his ass beat.

If God started talking to me through a bowl of ice cream, I would jump head first into the Grand Canyon.

There are so many things wrong with Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter that just turn out to be right. I can't explain it, but I think that even if you're extremely religious and you give this flick a shot, you'd still get a kick out of it. The idea of Jesus going out into the world and physically fighting vampires (Lesbian ones. We need to remember that.) alone is enough to make anyone want to watch this one out of pure curiosity-and what you get is a musically-inclined lesbo-vampire flick where Jesus looks like the frontman for a popular metal band and a really fat lucha libre' named Santos gets hitched with a butch looking bi-chick that none of us would ever touch. Zits and zombies, this film is ridiculous and and it will make you laugh out loud because of how absurd it truly is. If you find a church where the priest has a long, red mohawk, listens to punk and preaches the good word about Jesus-let me know. I'll get my ass out of bed for that sermon.     

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Chopping Mall (Vestron blu-ray)

The play on words for this flick is so dumb, and yet it's so perfect. The alternate title for Chopping Mall is Killbots, and they both fit for different reasons. I personally like Chopping Mall better just because it makes the film sound a lot more gory and violent than it really is. Marketing. This is the very first blu-ray from Vestron Video's random return from the obscurity abyss of horror distribution, all thanks to the gracious humans that work at Lionsgate. They are doing God's work. Bringing classics back for all of us to stick onto our shelves and enjoy weirdo 80's horror in hi-def, crammed with as many extra's and special features as they can find... Vestron/Lionsgate is killing it so far, and I hope they keep going. When you're a teen still stuck in high school and your desperate to party with no adult supervision, what do you do? Throw a party in a mall after hours with killer security bots of course. Teens have sex-smoke, drink, get killed and watch b-movies all for the sake of having fun. These kids are dedicated.

I wish I were a jewel thief.

God, I love 80's chicks.

Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov. Legendary.

 "They remind me of your mother. It's the laser eyes."

There's always time for a saucy redhead.

Don't be a square. Especially at an after hours mall party.

Paranoid much? 

I still don't get why people throw parties in a closed mall.

Dick Miller, at your service.

You better get your girl some cigarettes. Now.

   Crowbar-great band. Great key.

Lock and load, motherfuckers!

Damn, you guys suck at shooting.

"Let's go trash the fucker."

A mirror would have helped a long time ago.

The only thing I can say about Chopping Mall is that's it's just outright fun. It's even more fun watching it on blu-ray so you can see just how cheaply built the security bots were. Although, back in the 80's they might have been pricey to build. I didn't bother to research any of that, and I know I should have. Watching teens shooting (and missing terribly) at security bots and getting shredded by lasers in the middle of a mall is pretty great and I highly recommend adding this film to your collection if you already haven't done so. Now get that sexy blonde some cigs-you've already seen her breasts. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Jackhammer Massacre

When I put my post together for Monster Man, I knew I would get around to watching Jackhammer Massacre again so I could take some notes. At first sight, you wouldn't really expect this to be so dark and full of self loathing. But it is. This film has a lot of fucking drug abuse contained within, and I would not recommend this to anyone that knows someone that has a problem like Jack does. This guy is over the top. Although, with all of the documentaries I have watched over the years about drugs and crack dens and really bad shit like that, I guess how Jack acts in Jackhammer Massacre really isn't to far from reality. That's one of the main points I wanted to bring up about this film-it's not really "horror" per-se'. It's just about some dude who is a successful business man that ends up getting caught up in some really bad shit doing crack, meth, weed and a bunch of other bad things that would cause one to go off in a downward spiral. And Jacks' in the middle. And he kills everyone with a jackhammer. Awesome.  

I never thought I would see a drug hustlin' version of Lorenzo Lamas.

 "If you go to jail, my buddies there will fuck you. Then they'll cut you."

Jackhammer to the face!

That viper is sick.

Who the hell lifts weights outside?

Let's get lit, motherfucker.

Don't take that quarter, Jack.

Riches to rags-the story of a hopeless addict.

Does Jack look ok to you?

The technicolor yawn-presented to you by Quaker Oatmeal!

 Mother of God, his arm is infected.

I can't even lie... getting killed by a jackhammer would be pretty fucking brutal.

Even lesbians bitch at each other.

Jackhammer sodomy. Bobbie doesn't need a colonoscopy now if she ever needed one.  

It amazes me how quickly Jack falls apart to the point of being so badly addicted that he just starts living in some really beat up, rusted out tool warehouse. All he wants is a hit. That's it. But, people keep getting in the way and he keeps slaughtering them with that jackhammer. And the ghost of his friend Mike keeps egging him on, telling him that they have to die. Yeah, they do have to die. Every single one of them. Even his sister Tori tries to help him, but he has to kill her too. All I can say is is that Jackhammer Massacre should be used as a tool to help kids and teens stay off drugs. Maybe this movie should be played in grade schools during the D.A.R.E. program. Don't mix rocks and power tools-because people will die. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Extreme Jukebox

I've stated this before in past posts pertaining to Troma- they always have been and always will be hit or miss for me. Most of their offerings (to me at least) are just throw away fare that I can live without. I was really intrigued by this one when I ran across it on Amazon Prime Video because not only do I love metal, I love metal horror movies as well. Two words: Epic Fail. On many levels. The guy on the cover with the guitar in the film looks like Bozo the Clown's evil brother. And yes, I did write that down in my notes. What else is disappointing is that this ended up being another entry for me that I only watched 45 minutes of, turned sick of it, and shut it off. What a wasted opportunity. There was a plus-there are multiple random scenes where these two guys are in a record store looking at metal vinyls and there are tons (and I mean tons) of references to some really great metal bands and albums. Other than that-flop. No life. Flatter than an anorexic chick at a pancake house.

 Yeah Jason, pick up the fucking phone.

I knew Bozo had an evil brother.

Getting stabbed in the mouth by a microphone is a pretty loud way to die.

This dude is fighting the world with a Manowar shirt on. Heh.

Record stores are never this bright inside. Never.

Sunglasses. What a beast.

I can't say that the name Jessie Cake screams heavy metal.

That's probably the fruitiest viking I've ever seen.

Murdered with a gold record. Wow. Johnny Cab finally made it.

Blandest fairy tale ever told.

Pop-Korn? Really??

That was brutal.

David Crystal is like Howard Stern, Slash and Willy Wonka all stepped into the Brundle Telepod and melded together into some weird murderer, black magic guy that I want to punch in the face.

Engine coolant. More electrolytes than Gatorade.

 Again, I was able to write all of this shit down in less than 40 minutes before I turned this disappointment off. I don't know what I was expecting, but Extreme Jukebox wasn't it. I still don't really even know where the jukebox part of the title even fits in. Maybe because, randomly, someone's finger with a black painted nail crawls up the screen and pushes a jukebox button that "changes to the next scene" or some dumb shit like that. I don't know, zits and zombies. All I know is is that if I'm looking to have a good time with a metal horror flick, Troma is in the back of the line. Now gimme yer' lunch money.  

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Happy Halloween!/October Endcap (2016)

Man, finding the energy and the time to watch one movie a day for 31 days and then writing about it is just fucking exhausting. But I'm dedicated. Dedicated to keeping up with my writing so maybe you guys will be intrigued by a movie I have watched. And then, maybe you'll get caught up in this craziness as well. I'll drag you all down to hell with me-and you'll never figure your way out. Good. That's my plan. To make all of you adventurous horror fanatics. I just hope your adventures haven't ended here. Because horror just doesn't stop at Halloween.

It's for life. 

And I'm sure you have some candy left over from trick or treating. Go in the kitchen and eat some. Your dentist is waiting.