Saturday, November 28, 2015

Updates/Final post for 2015


This is the final post for this year, zits and zombies. I hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving with your family and friends, and I wish you all a happy, healthy and safe Christmas as well. If you don't like the fact that I wrote "Christmas" instead of "Holiday" then you can kiss my ass. It would be grammatically incorrect anyway. 
 
This time of year is always very stress inducing, but somehow it always ends up being worth it as there is time set aside to spend with family and friends that you don't really get to see a whole lot during the rest of the year. And that's what it should be about. Not people getting trampled on Black Friday because a bunch of brainless assholes are trying to get a fucking vegetable steamer or that new 4k model tv they've had their eye on the whole year that they could've purchased a few months prior without going to the hospital or punching someone in the face. But whatever. That's one of the reasons I hate society. To many materialistic ideals.

So with that being said, have a Merry Christmas, buy as many red cupped coffees from Starbucks as you can, puke from over drinking egg nog and buy gift cards for everyone. Because your lazy and thoughtless.

Oh, by the way. I have a podcast/movie talk type of deal I am going to start recording called Cinema Slayer Presents: Pukenstein. If you have ever watched or heard of an internet show called GoodBadFlicks (hosted by film review genius Cecil) I highly recommend going on his website and Youtube channel and checking it out. Pukenstein is going to be something similar to what he does, but just not as in depth. And I don't like writing scripts either, so it will be off the cuff and spontaneous. And I hope it works out. Here's the static title for it:


 Thanks again zits and zombies for all the support. See you all in January of 2016. It will be another great year.


Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Top five worst of the year + runners up (2015)

Zits and zombies-the first year of Cinema Slayer is coming to an end. It has been an unhinged blast and I couldn't have done it without you. And from the inspirational likes of Bleeding Skull!, Oh, the Horror, Gorepump's Horror Dump and the legendary Fangoria magazine-I probably would've never have even bothered. My passion for collecting and watching horror flicks goes deep and it's only going to get deeper the longer Cinema Slayer lives on.

Even though I did watch, discover and write about quite a few great horror flicks this year, I never, ever would have thought that I would have come across such bottom feeding parasites. My top five worst horror films of the year are here... and there's no turning back.

 #5. Bloody Harvest: Scarecrows from Hell


I hate this fucking movie for one main reason-it's boring as shit. None of the characters are like-able and every one of them is dating or married to one of the other characters. About 95% of the film is wasted with everyone bickering with everyone and it goes nowhere. You also see the scarecrows for maybe five minutes or less and then it's "were breaking up/getting divorced"... bickering, arguing, and then it's over. Finally.

#4. Mr Jones



 Another snooze fest comes with the name Mr. Jones attached to it. A couple goes to a cabin literally in the middle of nowhere to try to repair their relationship by being together 24/7 for a whole year. They keep running across these scarecrow looking things that are supposedly put together by some guy that lives in the woods that everyone calls "Mr. Jones". Of course, curiosity gets the better of them, they break into his underground lair, it turns into a found footage piece of shit, and then I kill myself. Waste of my time.



#3. Glitter Goddess: Queen of the Sunset Strip


I still have no idea what the hell this "documentary" is supposed to be about. Apparently it's about some chick named Llana that becomes an Alice Cooper groupie. Once again, I never made it that far into this one because it didn't make any sense. The light-bright, windows paint intro that lasts 4-5 minutes is way to long winded, and you get to see Oprah's fat ass right afterwards. Llana's mom was gay, her dad tries to convince her to drink her milk instead of eating candy, and then I turned it off. 40 minutes was just to much.

#2. Slaughterhouse Massacre

  

My #2 worst of the year only redeems itself by having a fat sheriff towards the end of the flick. There is nothing for me to say about this piece of shit other than that it claims to be "more frightening than the Texas Chainsaw Massacre". That couldn't be anymore of a blatant lie if the distribution company wanted it to be. There is no reason at all for this film to exist except for tempting people to commit suicide.

#1. Curse on Blanchard Hill



 With every fiber of my being, I hate this goddamn atrocity. There are no words to explain how vile, loathsome and putridly produced this fucking movie is. People get killed by nothing. Music sounds like an air compressor being turned on for the first time in twenty years. A fat guy gets stabbed by Flannel Jason. If I'm ever out hunting for horror flicks to add to my collection and I see a copy of this on dvd, I'm going to set it on fire in front of everyone and start laughing manically. I have permanent brain lesions because of this pile of cat shit. Don't go near it. Ever.

Runners-up

 Jug Face


A movie about a bunch of rednecks who worship a hole in the ground (literally) couldn't be any dumber. Add the fact that the girls parents force her to have sex with her brother because "that's what the pit wants." And it also tells them which person to kill next as a sacrifice, so then an autistic guy makes that persons face into a jug. Doesn't get any dumber folks.



Last house on Hell Street


Whoever thought this final production was a good idea needs to be beaten until they can't talk anymore. This isn't a movie. This is mental torture. Filming trees and dubbing people whispering in the background isn't creepy-it's annoying. And about 3/4 of the movie is just that. Every other scene is some chick talking into the camera with an inverted color scheme and then scenes of trees and people whispering. And some chick covered in blood drinking coffee. I've got nothing left.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Night Feeder (Bleeding Skull! dvd)

 
Night Feeder is the second release from Bleeding Skull! and Mondo that I recently added to my collection. It looked and smelled just as promising as Soultangler did in the trailer. I was pretty correct. The acting and dialogue are just terrible and have nothing redeeming to speak of, but that's the beauty of these forgotten/mostly un-released horror gems is that their $2 budget drives them to be entertaining in spite of their grossly low limitations. Watching these horror flicks really are a treat because you can sit there and say you've seen an underground film that no-one has ever heard of and no one (and I mean no one) gives a good goddamn about. Except you. And me. And maybe 3 other people. But without people like us, these exciting diamonds and rubies would be lost to the dust of time forever. So... buy yourself a copy of Night Feeder on dvd and get fucking wasted watching it. Because that's what I did. 

"If I lived in this neighborhood, I'd take a long vacation. Visit the in-laws. And I've been divorced for five years."
 
Why the fuck does a guy have a boa constrictor at a bar?
 
Madonna Wannabe.
 
A guy with an Accept jacket is always cool.
 
This "heavy metal club" looks like it's in some dude's garage.
 
This guy is a terrible forklift driver.
 
That homeless guy is really digging through the trash.
 
Who keeps a toothbrush, in a baggie, in their pocket, so they can brush their teeth while waiting for someone at the front door??
 
"The Disease" is such a generic band name.
 
These construction workers are fucking idiots.
 
What's up with this homeless, dumpster diving guy?
 
Drunk as balls.
 
Holy shit! That golden gate bridge shot looks exactly like the one from Full House.
 
 I'm surprised I took that many notes for this flick considering how drunk I was while watching this. I drank a whole bottle of Arrogant Bastard/Double Bastard by myself before the movie was even over. And I puked six times. But, I had a great time. Night Feeder is so worth it. Next time, though I'll be sober so I can soak in all that shitty acting. Potato chips.



Friday, November 20, 2015

Mash-up #5 (Chopping Mall/Friends)

Zits and zombies- this is the video that pulled me my final hit on Facebook. I cannot post videos for a long period of time because of this video. It's no different than any of the other mash-ups I've done so far- I think that its because I just had to many violations consecutively, and this just happened to be the one that shut me out. I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour. Yeah... right.


video
 

Mash-up #4 (Fright Night/Mr. Rogers)

Since Charley Brewster's neighbor is a vampire, I only thought it was fitting to invite him to the neighborhood. Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Won't you please be my neighbor. 

video
 

Mash-up #3 (Deadly Friend/Golden Girls)

It was to good to pass up on the idea of crashing together the Wes Craven flick Deadly Friend and The Golden Girls. You're a pal and a confidant. When the neighbor girl smashes your gram's face in with a basketball. Thanks to Lawrence Vanderwall for the theme suggestion.

video
 

Mash-up #2 (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2/Family Matters)

This is the second mash-up video I put together. I thought it would be a funny idea if I took the Family Matters theme and smashed it together with the dinner scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Because families matter. I mean the saw is family. I mean... never mind. I'm sure you get it.

video
 

Intro/Mash-up #1 (Texas Chainsaw Massacre/Three's Company theme)

For the past few weeks on Facebook, I have been working on these mash-up videos where I take a theme song from a tv show that shouldn't go with a horror flick, and sort of marry them together. I've had very positive responses on Facebook by my friends that have seen them, but there's one person that didn't like them: Facebook. Yeah, that's right zits and zombies- I received to many copyright hits and now I can't post anything on Facebook for a long while. 

So, here it is. The first mash-up I put together. I took bits from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and dubbed the theme from Three's Company.  I hope you enjoy it.

video
 

Stung


Stung is a creature feature that I had no clue that it was a creature feature. I assumed it was going to be a CGI-riddled piece of shit (as in a SYFY film- you know the kind) based on the box art that I kept running across at Walmart. Netflix recently added it to their finite library of horror flicks, and I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised by the amount and quality of practical and anamatronic special effects that were employed for certain scenes with the giant wasps later in the film. At the start, I really thought it was going to be a "horror" film where people get swarmed by CGI bees. But that's not it at all. There are plenty of scenes where people get stung by these mutant wasps at this party/catering event (that is the bulk of the film) and go through a very disgusting and painful transformation of turning into one of these said wasps. The effects were very well done. The CGI, however... those scenes kind of drug it down a little in spots just because you could tell that it was CGI. And that's not the good kind. 

  Oh no! A bee!

I want Paul to die already.

Julia is way to cute.

Never turn down a man's metal or punk rock.

What a nasty looking wasp.

I've always been fascinated by greenhouses for some reason.

Got yourself a Cougar there Paul.

Swarm!

Crushing one of those things looks like a melted milky way.

 A giant anamatronic wasp? I'm very impressed!

Mama's a wasp!

I need to have my own wine cellar.

"Little weenie got bit and didn't tell us."

These wasps are fucking disgusting.

Igor has two heads.

Julia does love stabbing things.

 At the end of the night, I enjoyed Stung for what it is. It's a modern creature feature that features giant wasps, a really cute chick named Julia and very solid practical effects that I really was thrown off by. Especially since movies like this nowadays are 99% CGI. And not the good kind. Got any honey? I'm making toast.

Monday, November 16, 2015

A Cadaver Christmas (a post for Shit Movie Fest's 25 Days of Shitmas)



Zits and zombies! Thanksgiving is upon us and so is Christmas- a time of families getting together for dinner, drinks, annoying children opening presents, decorated trees, brightly colored lighting and tinsel. It's also a time for beer, gore, cadavers (zombies if you will) and a bad-ass janitor who wants to save the world if he has to. A Cadaver Christmas isn't anywhere near my favorite Christmas horror flick of all time, nor is it the worst. It is very well produced for an indie however, and I will always respect that. The contrast in character personality and development is somewhat cliche', but who really cares about that in a film like this? Cadavers! Gore! Alcohol! A cute security chick! The overweight bartender Eddie turns into a cadaver and gets impaled through the neck with a school desk! It's all right here for your holiday viewing pleasure! Forget It's a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 42nd Street and A Christmas Story... A cold Christmas cadaver is what you're looking for.

Christmas carolers are annoying.

The bartender looks like Bam Margera's dad.

"Tom's annual suicide attempt isn't for another couple of hours yet."

Kicking some cadaver ass!

Now I kind of want to watch The Janitor.

That's a good question, why aren't they in a real cop car?

I think this guy is a fan of Nekromantic.

 "I'm too fat for this shit!"

Tom jumping in front of the perp before he's about to shoot Eddie in the head is hilarious.

"I don't talk to goat fuckers."

You go security chick! Slap that perp!

I was unaware of the fact that you could have cadavers shipped somewhere to conduct experiments on them. Can you order them off of Amazon?

Surgeon humor is so dark.

Kill your pc monitor, man.

"I'm a janitor- I never leave a mess uncleaned."

The first time I watched A Cadaver Christmas, it wasn't Christmas time. Hell, watching it now the second time it's technically still not Christmas time. But if it's any sort of positive suggestion, it did warm up some Christmas spirit in me. And I don't usually start getting those feelings until a few days before hand. I didn't even think I still had those feelings. Who knew cadavers, a janitor and a shovel decapitating said cadavers would make me feel all cozy inside. Merry Shitmas. I hope you bought something for your mother.