Wednesday, September 27, 2017

No "31 Horrors of October" this year


Zits and zombies, I've had a terrible head cold for the few past days. Now, I know that's no excuse for what I'm about to tell you but...

Unfortunately, I just straight up will not be able to do my annual "31 Horrors of October" this year. Hold on, let me blow my nose. Give me a minute.

You see, working at a railroad is crazy in and of itself, but my schedule is just so all over the place that there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to watch a film everyday and write a short quip about it for the whole month of October. It's just not going to happen.

What I can do for you pus-bags however is make a list of recommendations for you all to ingest on the daily for the hallowed time of Samhain. And of course I will keep trudging out my usual review output whenever I can. 

Thank you for listening (or reading-whatever) and hopefully my schedule next year around this time will yield unto me more time to be able to bring the horrors of October back.

Make sure that brain drill has some new AA's in it. You can't half-ass a lobotomy.     

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil


I'm getting to the point with doing this that my back catalogue is becoming a mountain. Films in my collection, digitally streaming and elsewhere. When Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was first released, I had all of the plans in the world to watch it and more than likely purchase myself a copy for my shelf. But of course because of time and life, that never happened. Friends of mine in the horror community told me that I needed to watch it. It still slipped by me. Copies of it at Walmart were $9.99, $7.50 and $5.00. Netflix had it on a few years ago, took it away, and recently brought it back. I finally sat my blood drenched ass down and took some notes for it. I'm glad I did. The entire central nervous system that revolves around Tucker & Dale vs. Evil is basically all irony and mishap. The scene where one of the college kids jumps head first right at Tucker, misses and launches right into the woodchipper is not only brutal but hilarious because the way it's played out is made to look like Tucker is shoving the kid in there when in reality, he's trying to get him out. All of the comedy in this film is like this and it makes for a very fun horror picture that doesn't take itself to seriously. 

Here we go with more found footage garbage.

Shut up you frat/sorority dipshits.

This gas station looks like the original Cracker Barrel.

Dale, you have a scythe. C'mon man.

Yeah, he was a real archeologist.

  PBR isn't that great of a beer anyways.

You are cut from a different cloth. The asshole, douche-bag cloth.

Bees! Not the bees!

Finally-an actual woodchipper massacre.

Ha, ha! The sheriff is an actual blockhead!

See what happens when people are misjudged? All kinds of wrong happens.

Dumbest group of college kids of all time.

 Now that I have finally viewed Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, all I can say to you zits and zombies is that I should've watched it when I had the chance years ago. High entertainment doesn't spring up to much anymore and I felt like this film delivered. There were some cheesy cliche's of course, but what movie of this ilk doesn't contain such proceedings? Very few. All I can say is that if you were (or still are) pushing against the grain in terms of social hierarchy or being bullied because of your individuality, then this pus filled pustule is for you. Because preppy frat/sorority types just need to be slayed in some form or fashion, and this whole movie brings the goods in droves. Die yuppie scum. If a favorite of yours happens to be Shaun of the Dead, than search no further. This is the warm blanket you have been looking for. Just don't plunge head first into a woodchipper. Tucker won't be able to pull you out.     

Monday, September 18, 2017

Drifter


Drifter is an indie/cult film that has been on Netflix for quite some time now, and the cover art just looks intriguing. I really didn't know what was going to be behind this poster marquee, but obviously it has something to do with two dudes sporting handguns, some chick in pigtails screaming and a red car. Well, the car isn't red-but the pigment of the vehicle's paint job doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. What does matter is how disappointed I was by the time Drifter's run time had ran dry. The first half of this film was fantastic- Dominick is just a straight up chip-on-his-shoulder type of guy that gives no fucks and his brother Miles is the complete opposite. So the dynamic is right there right when this thing opens. By the time the audience makes it to about the 35-45 minute mark however, is when the film just starts sliding it's way into the murky depths of rip-off territory. The one big flaw that really bothered me through out the whole thing was the score. Man the music was just awful. Notes and swells were placed in all kinds of wrong spots that made some scenes feel more awkward than suspenseful and would have been way more effective if there just wasn't any music at all. Let it breathe a little. Give it some space.

I mean... the whole point of robbing someone's home is to take everything. So, yeah. Take everything.

Damn their car is a jalopy.

If this area is a wasteland, than this is a post-apocalyptic movie?

Sibling rivalries never die.

Oh boy. Here we go. Desert degenerates.

Hell yeah bro. Shoot first, ask questions, well... never.

Mirages are deadly. Be careful.

Bite the pain. That's all you can do at that point is just to bite the pain.

Dom, dude-she's trying to warn you. Pushing a woman to the ground is asking for me to kill you. 

I'm telling you right now. Banging Sasha was a terrible mistake.

Miles, if you had the strength-I would have loved it if you threw that glass right at Doyle's head. 
  
The two best characters in Drifter have to be Dominick and Doyle. Doyle was great because he kind of reminded me of The Joker except with a layer of Fallout on top. One of the biggest let downs of this film that I mentioned earlier was how it ripped off something. That something is none other than my favorite horror flick of all time-The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There's a dinner scene in here that is pretty much almost identical to it and I actually threw my hands in the air and exclaimed "What is this, Texas Chainsaw? Sweet Jesus." I was not expecting that at all which is why I had that reaction. Drifter is not even close to being a terrible film. It's very watchable and you can definitely get swept up in what may or may not happen. But it's surely not a masterpiece either. Indie film junkies that love post-apocalyptic material will dive right in, but if you're a horror fan that has more of a grindhouse leaning, you might not dig it as much. Don't go wandering around town now-Doyle won't like that very much.    

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Arachnophobia


Among the many horror flicks my dad had on VHS while I was growing up, Arachnophobia was there right along side them. I will always remember him telling me about the scene where they all start pouring out of the sink in the bathroom and the infamous part where Jeff Daniels' character slaps together his homemade flamethrower for the final showdown. Classic indeed. I truly don't know if this film in particular has anything to do with the fact that any insect these days just grosses me out, but if you've seen this you know exactly all of the cuts where there are just tons of these things all over the house towards the last act-it really leaves impressions on you. The same way that Jaws made people afraid of sharks when it was first released, I'm sure that Arachnophobia made a similar ripple effect on everyone's psychology having images imprinted of big masses of spiders just overcoming your home. Nope and nope. The answer is just no. Can't deal with it. That's what homeowners insurance is for. Light it up, watch it burn to cinders, collect the insurance money and move somewhere else. 

"Any man eating dinosaurs?" You know, this setup kind of does remind me of Jurassic Park.

    How can you even tell where you are on that map? Everything is in red scale.

Every insect in the whole world could disappear and I would jump for joy.

I need one of those fogger guns for my house. I hate killing bugs by hand.

You can keep entomology. My favorite bugs are dead ones. I don't care how endangered they are.

This is the umpteenth movie where the mortician is eating a damn sandwich. I don't get it.

You can unpack the boxes in the morning. It's time to unpack your wife now.

 Burn the barn down. Burn it.

Stuffed shirt yuppie bastards. I hate all of you.

There's one thing about Arachnophobia that I have to say-I absolutely forgot how funny and witty some of the characters and dialogue is in here. It's actually not even really a "horror" film per se'. It's more like a "comedic thriller" I guess because it has peaks of being lathered in suspense and dread whenever it shows you what the spiders are doing, but then you have these humorous valleys with Jeff Daniels and John Goodman as Delbert the exterminator and he definitely alleviates some of the tension against the cuts with the spiders. If you have any extremes against arachnids or insects of any kind, you might not be able to handle some of the things that take place in this film. Or if you want to watch them burn to death in a sweet orange fireball of fear and aggression, please give this a spin. Delbert is always willing to give a helping hand.  

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

IT (2017 Re-Make Theatrical Experience)


Zits and zombies... what a momentous occasion. 

Before I actually even begin to dive into anything that has to do with the IT re-make, let me just state something if you already don't know-that I absolutely despise re-makes. I loathe them. I generally gravitate around the idea that if you plan on being involved in modernizing a film or updating it by re-making it, for the love of God do not just do it shot for shot or completely ignore that there ever was an original or some sort of source material from which your inspiration came. Please. At least pay some sort of homage, take what you like, cut what you don't and respect the idea that this film may need this. It's only for the greater good of cinema and the art form in general. Otherwise you're just doing it for the money and not any sort of personal satisfaction knowing that you actually turned out something worth partaking in. That's where the new adaptation of Stephen King's novel IT steps in. 

I fold my hands and bow in pride.

My wife and I haven't been in the theater to really see much of anything in the last year and a half or so because, well-Hollywood is just shit nowadays. There. I said it. It has turned itself into a cash grab factory of awful rom-coms, neutered action flicks, cheap jump scare infested "modern" horror tunes and line for line reboots that no one ever asked for. But then something kind of unexpected and miraculous happened. The re-make for IT was announced and I was highly skeptical. I was throwing my hands up in worry about Pennywise either being overdone or not enough. I read the book again to make sure that this magic wouldn't and couldn't be lost. My dear community of undead....

I was dead fucking wrong.

 We went to see it earlier today with my pal Slasher Steve and much to our surprise (especially since there were quite a few teens in the seats) no one was on their phones, no one was yelling and screaming, talking, or being total jackasses during the film. Even during the previews, no one barely said anything. I couldn't have asked for more. Being floored by this atmosphere of politeness and common courtesy wasn't even the icing on the cake. The film was. Sweet Jesus, was this kick ass. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would ever say that a re-make of IT would ever be better than the original. In comparison, now that I've seen this newer version just a couple of nights after re-watching the original mini series... the Tim Curry original isn't even remotely frightening at all. It's a children's movie about an evil clown named Pennywise compared to this. PBS could probably get away with airing it uncut right after the newest episode of Sesame Street, and no one would bat an eyeball. All of the child actors in here were flawless, Bill Skarsgard was superb, the cinematography was excellent and the screenplay stuck way closer to the book than the original did which made this so much more effective than it should have been.

Zits and zombies, I implore you... if even after all of the hype, the opening night frenzies and all of the money IT made during the initial weekend still haven't convinced you because your just to damn stubborn or to attached to the original-put down that can of Pringles and get your ass to the theater and see this. You deserve it. And so do the people that made this movie. We all float down here. And you'll float too.  

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Junior (...A cut above) (VHS)


This is another one of those cheesy 80's horror rip-offs that claim to be in the same upper echelon with the likes of Leatherface and Freddy Krueger. It's just not possible. It doesn't even come close.  I kind of got what I expected when I bought this on VHS at Gordyville a few weeks ago for a dollar, and as long as I am thoroughly entertained, I am happy. And that's pretty much how it went down. Junior's main focus are the two main female protagonists, K.C. and Jo, who at the very opening of this film are being escorted out of prison. We don't know why, but it's implied that they are women of the night, and were caught doing some business, so they were thrown in the clinker. Determined to start over and open their own marina, they drive to some small town that doesn't have a name (at least I never heard anyone in the film say the name of it) and they meet the jackass sheriff as the welcoming committee. What a way to start a new life. I fell in love with this film zits and zombies because it's pure Canadian trash. The levels of awful voice dubbing, acting and camera work really make this a hilarious candy and popcorn flick to watch on your VCR-along with the fact that you get to see K.C. pretty much naked on multiple occasions (which is back when Suzanne DeLarentiis was way hot) sided with the imploringly stupid dialogue and even dumber characters make this a great experience for any bad movie fanatic.

Hot 80's chicks in a women's prison. Fantastic way to open, gentlemen.

You drive like shit and you treat women like trash?! Give me a gun!

As a guy, I'm digging all the butt shots so far. Just had to point that out.

I'm sure prison kicked ass compared to this dump.

Sexy brunette with a twelve gauge-count me in!

Luke is my hero. He lives in a house that floats on water, has no job, no relationship and just tends to his plants.

This sheriff needs a good tooth-straightening. Maybe a nice right hook.

I have no reason to complain, but why are K.C. and Jo wearing bikini's while re-shingling the roof?

Junior's mom is a guy dressed up as an old lady. Has to be.

If you really want to track this film down, it gets confusing. It has about four or five different titles, mostly Junior, Junior....A Cut Above, Hot Water, and just being called ...A Cut Above. And there were quite a few distribution companies that put this on VHS back then as well, so there are numerous versions with different cover art to make matters even worse for collectors. Pure and simple, Junior is a Canadian garbage delight. If you want to see some of the worst audio and voice dubbing combined with one of the stupidest horror villains probably ever put to celluloid, then hunt this down. If campy, dumb horror schlock isn't part of your taste bud lay out, steer clear. This wasn't made for you. Oh, by the way-there's a scene where K.C. takes her bikini top off, stuffs it into a bottle of alcohol during a speedboat fight, and lights it off and tosses it as a molotov cocktail. Yeah. I wasn't expecting that. But I clapped and jeered in male, testosterone fueled enjoyment. Tan-lined boobs. Yes sir.              

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Jungle Trap (Bleeding Skull! dvd)


You bloodthirsty goons already know that I'm a huge fan of anything that Bleeding Skull! is involved with, and their latest release on VHS and DVD had me pretty intrigued from the beginning. Jungle Trap was wrapped up way back in 1990, but never saw that light of day at all, in any form. The guys at Bleeding Skull! took it upon themselves to edit it, master it and completely do the score from scratch to get the film in a finished form to be put into print-for the first time AT THIS VERY MOMENT. As amazing as all of that effort and energy was to get this into horror and cult film collectors' hands, I have to say-this is probably my least favorite release put out by BS! and Mondo. I apologize. I actually feel bad for stating that, but not every piece is a winner. I did enjoy myself as I was watching it for my notes, but I couldn't derive any spark, any pop, any flame of ovation that would push me to herald Jungle Trap as a "must own" film to add to your SOV collection. I do understand the blood, sweat and tears that went into this for preservation's sake. I get it. Nothing can be lost. Maybe I need to watch it again. Maybe there was something I missed. I'll bring more beer next time.  

Ha, ha, ha! That was the worst action opening ever put to film!

Yeah, go read the trade papers. You'll never make it.

"Palace Hotel". Wow. What a creative name for a resort.

My unborn child could have chucked that molotov harder than that.

Someone's got the yellow fever. Bad.

   Hey you-low budget Indiana Jones-stop over acting. You're ruining this for me.

  Father Time knows how to party! Drinking whisky while flying a plane-what a rush!

 All Josh has been waiting for are some fortune cookies.

Dear Lord you must have been really thirsty.

Man, Janices' head shrunk quick.

There's a bat. There's lots of stock footage of bats.

 There is no question of the amount of time and work that the staff of BS! put into getting Jungle Trap out there on DVD and VHS, but I have to be honest and say that this isn't essential SOV viewing. Just the fact that they wrote the score for this film from scratch is a testament to their love and dedication for underground and obscure cinema, but this truly is only for BS! or SOV completionists only. Those of us grave diggers that must have everything on our shelves. There had to be some damage on the master tape from 20+ years ago as well because there are a couple of spots where the video quality plummets so low that I thought I was playing an FMV game on the Sega CD. Like Night Trap or Double Switch. Zits and zombies, just be cautious around this one-this is for seasoned professionals only.