Monday, September 18, 2017

Drifter


Drifter is an indie/cult film that has been on Netflix for quite some time now, and the cover art just looks intriguing. I really didn't know what was going to be behind this poster marquee, but obviously it has something to do with two dudes sporting handguns, some chick in pigtails screaming and a red car. Well, the car isn't red-but the pigment of the vehicle's paint job doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. What does matter is how disappointed I was by the time Drifter's run time had ran dry. The first half of this film was fantastic- Dominick is just a straight up chip-on-his-shoulder type of guy that gives no fucks and his brother Miles is the complete opposite. So the dynamic is right there right when this thing opens. By the time the audience makes it to about the 35-45 minute mark however, is when the film just starts sliding it's way into the murky depths of rip-off territory. The one big flaw that really bothered me through out the whole thing was the score. Man the music was just awful. Notes and swells were placed in all kinds of wrong spots that made some scenes feel more awkward than suspenseful and would have been way more effective if there just wasn't any music at all. Let it breathe a little. Give it some space.

I mean... the whole point of robbing someone's home is to take everything. So, yeah. Take everything.

Damn their car is a jalopy.

If this area is a wasteland, than this is a post-apocalyptic movie?

Sibling rivalries never die.

Oh boy. Here we go. Desert degenerates.

Hell yeah bro. Shoot first, ask questions, well... never.

Mirages are deadly. Be careful.

Bite the pain. That's all you can do at that point is just to bite the pain.

Dom, dude-she's trying to warn you. Pushing a woman to the ground is asking for me to kill you. 

I'm telling you right now. Banging Sasha was a terrible mistake.

Miles, if you had the strength-I would have loved it if you threw that glass right at Doyle's head. 
  
The two best characters in Drifter have to be Dominick and Doyle. Doyle was great because he kind of reminded me of The Joker except with a layer of Fallout on top. One of the biggest let downs of this film that I mentioned earlier was how it ripped off something. That something is none other than my favorite horror flick of all time-The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There's a dinner scene in here that is pretty much almost identical to it and I actually threw my hands in the air and exclaimed "What is this, Texas Chainsaw? Sweet Jesus." I was not expecting that at all which is why I had that reaction. Drifter is not even close to being a terrible film. It's very watchable and you can definitely get swept up in what may or may not happen. But it's surely not a masterpiece either. Indie film junkies that love post-apocalyptic material will dive right in, but if you're a horror fan that has more of a grindhouse leaning, you might not dig it as much. Don't go wandering around town now-Doyle won't like that very much.    

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Arachnophobia


Among the many horror flicks my dad had on VHS while I was growing up, Arachnophobia was there right along side them. I will always remember him telling me about the scene where they all start pouring out of the sink in the bathroom and the infamous part where Jeff Daniels' character slaps together his homemade flamethrower for the final showdown. Classic indeed. I truly don't know if this film in particular has anything to do with the fact that any insect these days just grosses me out, but if you've seen this you know exactly all of the cuts where there are just tons of these things all over the house towards the last act-it really leaves impressions on you. The same way that Jaws made people afraid of sharks when it was first released, I'm sure that Arachnophobia made a similar ripple effect on everyone's psychology having images imprinted of big masses of spiders just overcoming your home. Nope and nope. The answer is just no. Can't deal with it. That's what homeowners insurance is for. Light it up, watch it burn to cinders, collect the insurance money and move somewhere else. 

"Any man eating dinosaurs?" You know, this setup kind of does remind me of Jurassic Park.

    How can you even tell where you are on that map? Everything is in red scale.

Every insect in the whole world could disappear and I would jump for joy.

I need one of those fogger guns for my house. I hate killing bugs by hand.

You can keep entomology. My favorite bugs are dead ones. I don't care how endangered they are.

This is the umpteenth movie where the mortician is eating a damn sandwich. I don't get it.

You can unpack the boxes in the morning. It's time to unpack your wife now.

 Burn the barn down. Burn it.

Stuffed shirt yuppie bastards. I hate all of you.

There's one thing about Arachnophobia that I have to say-I absolutely forgot how funny and witty some of the characters and dialogue is in here. It's actually not even really a "horror" film per se'. It's more like a "comedic thriller" I guess because it has peaks of being lathered in suspense and dread whenever it shows you what the spiders are doing, but then you have these humorous valleys with Jeff Daniels and John Goodman as Delbert the exterminator and he definitely alleviates some of the tension against the cuts with the spiders. If you have any extremes against arachnids or insects of any kind, you might not be able to handle some of the things that take place in this film. Or if you want to watch them burn to death in a sweet orange fireball of fear and aggression, please give this a spin. Delbert is always willing to give a helping hand.  

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

IT (2017 Re-Make Theatrical Experience)


Zits and zombies... what a momentous occasion. 

Before I actually even begin to dive into anything that has to do with the IT re-make, let me just state something if you already don't know-that I absolutely despise re-makes. I loathe them. I generally gravitate around the idea that if you plan on being involved in modernizing a film or updating it by re-making it, for the love of God do not just do it shot for shot or completely ignore that there ever was an original or some sort of source material from which your inspiration came. Please. At least pay some sort of homage, take what you like, cut what you don't and respect the idea that this film may need this. It's only for the greater good of cinema and the art form in general. Otherwise your just doing it for the money and not any sort of personal satisfaction knowing that you actually turned out something worth partaking in. That's where the new adaptation of Stephen King's novel IT steps in. 

I fold my hands and bow in pride.

My wife and I haven't been in the theater to really see much of anything in the last year and a half or so because, well-Hollywood is just shit nowadays. There. I said it. It has turned itself into a cash grab factory of awful rom-coms, neutered action flicks, cheap jump scare infested "modern" horror tunes and line for line reboots that no one ever asked for. But then something kind of unexpected and miraculous happened. The re-make for IT was announced and I was highly skeptical. I was throwing my hands up in worry about Pennywise either being overdone or not enough. I read the book again to make sure that this magic wouldn't and couldn't be lost. My dear community of undead....

I was dead fucking wrong.

 We went to see it earlier today with my pal Slasher Steve and much to our surprise (especially since there were quite a few teens in the seats) no one was on their phones, no one was yelling and screaming, talking, or being total jackasses during the film. Even during the previews, no one barely said anything. I couldn't have asked for more. Being floored by this atmosphere of politeness and common courtesy wasn't even the icing on the cake. The film was. Sweet Jesus, was this kick ass. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would ever say that a re-make of IT would ever be better than the original. In comparison, now that I've seen this newer version just a couple of nights after re-watching the original mini series... the Tim Curry original isn't even remotely frightening at all. It's a children's movie about an evil clown named Pennywise compared to this. PBS could probably get away with airing it uncut right after the newest episode of Sesame Street, and no one would bat an eyeball. All of the child actors in here were flawless, Bill Skarsgard was superb, the cinematography was excellent and the screenplay stuck way closer to the book than the original did which made this so much more effective than it should have been.

Zits and zombies, I implore you... if even after all of the hype, the opening night frenzies and all of the money IT made during the initial weekend still haven't convinced you because your just to damn stubborn or to attached to the original-put down that can of Pringles and get your ass to the theater and see this. You deserve it. And so do the people that made this movie. We all float down here. And you'll float too.  

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Junior (...A cut above) (VHS)


This is another one of those cheesy 80's horror rip-offs that claim to be in the same upper echelon with the likes of Leatherface and Freddy Krueger. It's just not possible. It doesn't even come close.  I kind of got what I expected when I bought this on VHS at Gordyville a few weeks ago for a dollar, and as long as I am thoroughly entertained, I am happy. And that's pretty much how it went down. Junior's main focus are the two main female protagonists, K.C. and Jo, who at the very opening of this film are being escorted out of prison. We don't know why, but it's implied that they are women of the night, and were caught doing some business, so they were thrown in the clinker. Determined to start over and open their own marina, they drive to some small town that doesn't have a name (at least I never heard anyone in the film say the name of it) and they meet the jackass sheriff as the welcoming committee. What a way to start a new life. I fell in love with this film zits and zombies because it's pure Canadian trash. The levels of awful voice dubbing, acting and camera work really make this a hilarious candy and popcorn flick to watch on your VCR-along with the fact that you get to see K.C. pretty much naked on multiple occasions (which is back when Suzanne DeLarentiis was way hot) sided with the imploringly stupid dialogue and even dumber characters make this a great experience for any bad movie fanatic.

Hot 80's chicks in a women's prison. Fantastic way to open, gentlemen.

You drive like shit and you treat women like trash?! Give me a gun!

As a guy, I'm digging all the butt shots so far. Just had to point that out.

I'm sure prison kicked ass compared to this dump.

Sexy brunette with a twelve gauge-count me in!

Luke is my hero. He lives in a house that floats on water, has no job, no relationship and just tends to his plants.

This sheriff needs a good tooth-straightening. Maybe a nice right hook.

I have no reason to complain, but why are K.C. and Jo wearing bikini's while re-shingling the roof?

Junior's mom is a guy dressed up as an old lady. Has to be.

If you really want to track this film down, it gets confusing. It has about four or five different titles, mostly Junior, Junior....A Cut Above, Hot Water, and just being called ...A Cut Above. And there were quite a few distribution companies that put this on VHS back then as well, so there are numerous versions with different cover art to make matters even worse for collectors. Pure and simple, Junior is a Canadian garbage delight. If you want to see some of the worst audio and voice dubbing combined with one of the stupidest horror villains probably ever put to celluloid, then hunt this down. If campy, dumb horror schlock isn't part of your taste bud lay out, steer clear. This wasn't made for you. Oh, by the way-there's a scene where K.C. takes her bikini top off, stuffs it into a bottle of alcohol during a speedboat fight, and lights it off and tosses it as a molotov cocktail. Yeah. I wasn't expecting that. But I clapped and jeered in male, testosterone fueled enjoyment. Tan-lined boobs. Yes sir.              

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Jungle Trap (Bleeding Skull! dvd)


You bloodthirsty goons already know that I'm a huge fan of anything that Bleeding Skull! is involved with, and their latest release on VHS and DVD had me pretty intrigued from the beginning. Jungle Trap was wrapped up way back in 1990, but never saw that light of day at all, in any form. The guys at Bleeding Skull! took it upon themselves to edit it, master it and completely do the score from scratch to get the film in a finished form to be put into print-for the first time AT THIS VERY MOMENT. As amazing as all of that effort and energy was to get this into horror and cult film collectors' hands, I have to say-this is probably my least favorite release put out by BS! and Mondo. I apologize. I actually feel bad for stating that, but not every piece is a winner. I did enjoy myself as I was watching it for my notes, but I couldn't derive any spark, any pop, any flame of ovation that would push me to herald Jungle Trap as a "must own" film to add to your SOV collection. I do understand the blood, sweat and tears that went into this for preservation's sake. I get it. Nothing can be lost. Maybe I need to watch it again. Maybe there was something I missed. I'll bring more beer next time.  

Ha, ha, ha! That was the worst action opening ever put to film!

Yeah, go read the trade papers. You'll never make it.

"Palace Hotel". Wow. What a creative name for a resort.

My unborn child could have chucked that molotov harder than that.

Someone's got the yellow fever. Bad.

   Hey you-low budget Indiana Jones-stop over acting. You're ruining this for me.

  Father Time knows how to party! Drinking whisky while flying a plane-what a rush!

 All Josh has been waiting for are some fortune cookies.

Dear Lord you must have been really thirsty.

Man, Janices' head shrunk quick.

There's a bat. There's lots of stock footage of bats.

 There is no question of the amount of time and work that the staff of BS! put into getting Jungle Trap out there on DVD and VHS, but I have to be honest and say that this isn't essential SOV viewing. Just the fact that they wrote the score for this film from scratch is a testament to their love and dedication for underground and obscure cinema, but this truly is only for BS! or SOV completionists only. Those of us grave diggers that must have everything on our shelves. There had to be some damage on the master tape from 20+ years ago as well because there a couple of spots where the video quality plummets so low that I thought I was playing an FMV game on the Sega CD. Like Night Trap or Double Switch. Zits and zombies, just be cautious around this one-this is for seasoned professionals only.      

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Event Horizon (blu-ray)


Feeling enclosed and claustrophobic is a terrifying feeling, especially when the situation bears some "this is the end" moments where the weight of what is happening just crushes everything around you. One of the greatest isolated space horror flicks of all time has to be the original Alien movie, which has a crew on ship hurtling through space that has no idea what's about to happen or how alone they truly are. With the exception of the alien, of course. One of my absolute favorite space horror flicks has always been Event Horizon, and it's purely because of just how I get sucked into the feeling of how dark and engrossing this film plays out. It's one of those movies where I've started a ritual of every couple of year viewings-and some how I still grit my teeth at the same scenes, even though I know exactly what's coming. It makes you sit down and wonder just how big and expansive space really is, because no one really knows what is out there. It could be anything. It could be nothing. But the very idea that a man has designed a gravity drive to bend time and space to almost literally travel anywhere in the universe is already daunting enough, but once you add in the fact that the ship Event Horizon itself has actually been "beyond the stars" to some sort of hell dimension is just flooring in it's own right. The simplest way to describe this film is probably just to say it's Hellraiser in space, but that's not really the case. This film is darker than that. It shows you things. Welcome aboard.

That would have been interesting if we had established a permanent colony on the moon in 2015.

Mars has women. Let's go to mars.

The vastness of space is both fascinating and frightening.  

Weir, that's probably not a good idea. Step back into your cryo-pod.

A gravity drive sounds interesting. Damn, I love fictional space travel.

EA had to be big fans of this film to develop the Dead Space franchise. They had to.

   Are you sure you want to put your arm in the gravity drive, Justin?

Dr. Weir is either insane or a genius because no one could ever create an artificial black hole.

 Trust me. You don't want to see what's in that footage.

 Fight it, Captain Miller. It's not real. It's not fucking real.

 My favorite and most unique thing about Event Horizon is that the crew isn't up against anything physical like aliens of foreign life forms or anything like that-it's the ship itself. What it brought back from the other place it was before. The brilliantly beautiful thing about the idea of this is is that no one can really destroy it. It never ends. The fact that there never was a sequel to this leaves me ecstatic in terms of exploring the ideas of this film and coming to your own conclusions about where the ship went and what happens after the ending credits. Brain blowing stuff here. If any of you zits and zombies are fans of Hellraiser or Alien or anything like that and have never seen Even Horizon, for the love of God find it and watch it. Turn the lights off and the volume up. This one will make you look over your shoulder. Seriously. It happened to me.

Monday, August 28, 2017

One Hour Photo


My initial experience with One Hour Photo was one of the last times my parents rented a film from Hollywood Video before it closed down. I don't really know what they were expecting with this film since it stars Robin Williams as a very lonely, broken and weak man who succumbs to his personal demons-they couldn't have been anticipating some sort of comedy. I don't really know. All I can remember is that my whole family and I watched this in the basement (it was finished by hand by my father and a few other people after we moved in) being completely blown away as this film progressed into a crescendo of psychotic insanity that I truly don't think anyone could have pulled off better than Williams did here. The scene where the cops start investigating Sy's apartment and stumble into the room where he has an entire wall dedicated to photos of the Yorkin family is just downright disturbing and leaves the audience with a very horribly uneasy feeling that anyone could do that sort of thing to them or their families in real life. Hell, people stalk each other on Facebook so I guess we all do that same thing digitally, but there's something real and wrong about actually having physical photos posted on your wall about a person you have an obsession with that just takes this emptiness and loneliness to a whole other level.

 Mugshots are always the worst.

Dead or Alive is a great fighting game. Good choice, kid.

Cutting film. The old school way.

That's hilarious-Sy invented the selfie before stupid smartphones ever existed.

  Yeah... now you have a picture of Sy the photo guy. And he has a whole set of you.

Jake's perception level is through the roof.

White knight during the day-lonely, broken stalker at night.

Jesus, the psychology behind Sy's logic of people taking photos is mesmerizing and it gave me goosebumps.

Your getting to close, man. Don't stick your hand in boiling water-you're going to scold yourself.

"The things we fear the most have already happened to us." So profound, bro. So profound.

Bill knows. He knows about the extra photos, Sy. You're fired. Get out.

It's not to often that I say any one film is a masterpiece, but I truly feel One Hour Photo is a masterwork of psychology that shows just how alone and isolated a human being can be if all of the elements in their lives comes together as such. Robin Williams' portrayal of Sy in this film really is one of his best and darkest performances, and I'm sure he had a rough time being this way as he was most likely funny and light-hearted in real life. Unfortunately, zits and zombies-you never really hear to many people mention this one when any of his movies are brought up, and it's a shame. It really is one of my personal favorites in his catalogue, and if you haven't seen One Hour Photo and have any interest at all in psychology, just set some time aside and watch it. I just remembered I have this roll of film I need developed from 1999... eh, I guess I'll just ask Yoshi to do it. He won't plaster pictures of me all over his living room wall... would he?

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Kill Cruise


I can sum up my feelings for Kill Cruise with one scene that takes place within the last twenty minutes or so of this film. Randomly, in the middle of Su having a mental breakdown of some kind, the dog that has been on the boat with them for however long by this point takes a shit by the edge of the boat, some out of place romantic-overly dramatic music starts playing and the skipper gets a bucket and starts washing the dogs crap into the ocean and says "next time, you shit overboard, ya' hear?" That scene alone puts everything into perspective with how Kill Cruise plays out. I didn't completely hate this early film starring Elizabeth Hurley, but I just know if I was her I would be fucking embarrassed. It ended up being one of those gutter trash films that has a severe identity crisis where it doesn't know if it's trying to be a mystery, a documentary, a commentary, a character study or a psychological thriller. And to be fair, I still don't know which one of those this is supposed to be either. I would stretch really far to say that this could be The Thing on a boat with two women and a man, but again-I think that's just going to far. I just didn't like anything about this film-the cinematography is hideous, the three main characters are just clumsy and don't fit together very well and the plot just felt flimsy and amateurish. 

That's not a real ship. That's one of those hobbyist ships that people build inside of wine bottles.

I'm terrified of deep water, but this flood scene is hilarious.

These mustache-ride captains act like they've never seen a woman before. Play some more checkers you filthy animals.

Dear sweet Moses the voice dubbing in this film is amazing.

It's going to rain?! It just fucking rained!!

(Holding my head in shame) Elizabeth Hurley...what the hell...

  So even old fat women want to see Liz Hurley do a strip tease?! What the fuck is happening in the movie?

I'm sorry. The most intelligent person on the boat-no, the whole damn movie-is the dog. That's right. The dog.

Not only does the majority of Kill Cruise just bore and confuse the audience, it's also loaded with way more 'what the fuck' moments than I was ready for. Towards the beginning when you first see Su and Lou, Lou slaps Su in the face for some reason that I still don't care about, and then they go into a seaside bar and sing some song about love or something, and everyone starts chanting "take it off" including sailors, the bartender, old fat ladies and whatever other degenerates were there at the time. Su takes a seat while Lou tries to be sexy and pleases everyone, complete with a quick cut of some sailor biting his lip in excitement and the bartender throwing his hands up in the air in fulfilled joy status. That was a lot to get out. Zits and zombies, I paid two dollars for this on dvd last week when my wife and I went down to Champaign for a couple of days, and I was expecting a horribly good time. What I paid for was a film that wants to jump off the plank into the deepest parts of the Atlantic while still trying to entertain you. It half-assed it's goal. Now I just need some insulin.       

Monday, August 21, 2017

Beyond The Gates


Back in the 80's and 90's there were some really interesting innovations for table top games by way of glorious VHS tapes. There existed such board games that I remember as Atmosfear, Nightmare and D&D DragonSrikte which at the time were more interactive than your average board games because, well, they had GM's (or game masters) that told specific players certain tasks or quests to do in said games as you watched them on your VCR. That's mainly what Beyond The Gates' concept relies on, but there's much more of a backstory to it than just a bunch people playing this VHS game because they can. The Hardesty brothers reunite after their father disappears some years later, and they have to figure out what happened to him. Gordie is the hard-edged "chip on my shoulder" brother that just wants to close down his father's video rental store because he just doesn't give a shit, and his brother is of course the opposite "no direction nomad" type where he wants to keep it open because it was their dad's store and there's a lot of memories and nostalgia there. Gordie's girlfriend Margot also gets pushed in the mix as she sort of mediates between the two and keeps them both level with one another as they try to figure out what's going on. Of course, they find dad's key to his office in the video store-and they find a VHS board game called Beyond The Gates.

You have to be proud at the grand opening.

Inner workings of the almighty VCR. Classic.

Who cares. Lighten up, man.

I would soil myself If I walked into a video rental store like this.

Gordie needs to learn how to have some fucking fun. Jesus Christ.

Hank is a dirt bag. I want to punch Hank in the mouth.

Why would anyone have a gun? For protection maybe??
  
That's on helluva cheesy VHS for a board game. And Barbara Crampton is still hot.

 I can't lie-that was really weird and awkward.

 Good morning really creepy antique store owner. Go out and get some sun.

Sweet-I was hoping that voodoo doll would be for Hank.

 After all of these years with seemingly endless stacks of horror films out there, I'm still blown away that no one has ever done one that revolves around VCR board games. But here it is. Beyond The Gates stepped way over the level of integrity I thought it was going to go, and this has to be one of my favorites that I watched this year. The scenes where Gordie, John and Margot are all on the couch watching the VHS and playing the game are very engrossing and kind of strange because Barbara Crampton as the GM for the game was just damn perfect. After giving any of the three of the main characters specific instructions on what to do next, the way her eyes just burn through the screen at them and you during those scenes actually made me not want to look at the screen. The shit was creepy an unnerving, and I kind of wanted to put this film down for a minute, but I couldn't. Loved it. Zits and zombies-go on Netflix and give this a whirl. You can only pray that it's just a game.    

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Ninja III: The Domination (VHS)


The whole first fifteen minutes of Ninja III: The Domination has to be one of the most insane, over the top action openings in a ninja film ever produced. It just never seems to end, and when it finally does (even after getting blasted by about fifty cops all with 12 gauges) the black ninja still manages to use smoke to disappear and stay alive. It's this ridiculously long and drawn out, broad daylight brawl that takes place on a golf course with tons of cops, security guards and a few random golfers here and there-they all try to do something to kill the damn black ninja, but not a single one of them can accomplish this singular goal. Christie, who is an electrical worker and an aerobics instructor, is working on a telephone pole as this shit is taking place, and of course the black ninja finds her and gives her the magical samurai sword before he finally eats some dirt. She takes it back to her place, plays a few rounds on some arcade cab called "Bouncer" and heads off to her aerobics class that she is going to instruct. She is a busy woman. It's after this point that Christie starts becoming possessed by this fairy dust-sprinkled sword, and all sorts of hilarious shenanigans ensue. Including Christie seducing her cop boyfriend by pouring a can of V8 down her neck "seductively". Yeah. When I think fiery arousal with a blazing hot woman, I think tomato juice.

The last thing anyone should wear while spelunking is a white business suit.

Why are there ancient Japanese samurai weapons inside of a boulder, inside of a cave that has a spot light gleaming out of it?!

Outlaw Golf on the original Xbox had to be inspired by something.

  How the fuck does a metal golf club bend around a guys arm with no injury? How??

 Cutest female electrical worker ever.

Damn I love 80's chicks.

 Now I have another movie to watch that has a ton of random scenes with chicks doing aerobics in spandex and leg warmers.

C'mon bro-you couldn't even open the car door. (smack my head) My God.

Yeah. Pour some V8 down your neck. That's fucking sexy.

 After receiving a full body scan from her arcade cabinet and the samurai sword, Christie will go on a killing spree. Watch.

I forgot to mention that there is a drinking game that can be played with Ninja III: The Domination. When Christie is with her boyfriend through out the film, his cop buddies are usually around and when she sees one of them, she has a flashback of that particular cop blasting the hell out of the black ninja at the beginning during the golf course brawl. Every single time this happens, you see that same exact re-used shots of the black ninja falling on the ground after being shot. Every time. If you can dupe your friends into watching this with you, you'll all be blitzed by the time this movie is over. It happens way to many times, and I believe that it was used for padding of some kind. I really do. Zits and zombies, Ninja III: The Domination is outrageous, silly, ridiculous and outlandishly absurd. There is no good reason for this to have even made it to blu-ray a while back, but I'm glad it did. Highly entertaining stuff. Oh, yeah-the soundtrack features some of the absolute worst 80's music I've ever heard. Downright ear bleeding quality that I don't even think fans of 80's music would even want to move to. The Revenge of Shinobi is still in my genesis. Time for some unlimited shurikens.   

Monday, August 7, 2017

Parents


I do not own a copy of this on the newly printed Vestron blu-ray release, but the dvd I have is pretty sufficient to say the least. It's in a multi-pack from Lionsgate, so there are no special features or anything, but watching Parents just straight away is a weird yet satisfying treat on it's own. This is a very different type of film for Randy Quaid and Mary Beth Hurt, and yet they were cast perfectly in my opinion with their quirky acting and straight-laced surface level yuppie prose they presented here. Right from the opening you get a sense that there just isn't something quite right with these two as Michael's parents, and the reveal later on with what he finally learns about his parents is pretty morbid indeed. The setting and time this takes place in isn't exactly set in stone, but I would have to guess somewhere between the 50's and 60's with how the dynamics between these two characters are represented here, along with how everyone is dressed and the older way of how men and women are placed in society. The women are at home and the men work. You get the idea. It's basically another film that states that everyone has some sort of secret that they would rather not have anyone know of, and I guess that's just part of human nature. 

   Americana. American perfection. The American dream.

I wish men were still men and women were still women.

Everything is dark. That's what I'm so worried about.

That might be a good idea. I should fill my water bed with cranberry juice.

Is that little girl behind Michael in class Felissa Rose?

 So were they having sex or... what the hell were they doing?!

The school psychologist is a kook-I love her!

Everyone watches everyone. The human species is nothing but a mass of perverted voyeurs.

Michael is hiding in the pantry and gets choked by the sausage on the shelf. Oooookkkk...

Night terrors are the best.

 Zits and zombies, I didn't think about this before, but Parents is actually pretty similar to the film Society with Billy Warlock. The child doesn't feel like they fit in, the parents/family has a hidden agenda they don't to be found out about, there's a pretty heavy reveal (albeit the pacing is different) and the child wins. And both films are very fulfilling to watch. I love this stuff. I won't spoil what happens in the final act, but I will say that aside from a few just really bizarre and out of context moments in Parents, this is a hidden gem in the horror world. I've pretty much never heard anyone talk about it, and it's a shame. Now that it's on blu-ray, I hope more of you gore geeks check it out because the tension, pace, characters and dialogue all work in favor of making this movie happen, and it's a strange offering to partake in, but it's damn worth it. Check it out. Oh, and if you're girlfriend just barges into your house and hides in the deep freeze, there are consequences. Just saying.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

The Devil's Candy


I absolutely love it when I have the chance to dive into something that I know zilch about. The only things I kept seeing and hearing about pertaining to The Devil's Candy was that it's probably the best indie horror flick of the last couple of years, and usually that gets me to wane towards spending the time to watching it and taking some notes. I had the very distinct pleasure last night before going to bed, and my God everyone was right for once. I had no idea that there was going to be a metal soundtrack, I had no idea that the acting was going to be indie film perfection, and I surely didn't have any inkling that the cinematography would be so artsy and spot-on. There pretty much is nothing negative to say about The Devil's Candy except maybe that kind of obvious CGI fire in the Hellman's house in the final act of the film. That is a ridiculously small nit-pick in comparison to what type of a quality standard this film holds (especially for the horror genre) as I hadn't felt that engrossed or absorbed into a story the way I was with this with anything in quite a long time. That's saying something. Nothing is out of place here and this truly is horror gold, and any zit or zombie has to make the time to watch this. No excuses. None. 

  Hell yeah, bro! Can't sleep, rip some riffs on that axe!

Such dark symbolism. An inverted crucifix.

 Fucking Am I Evil! This movie already kicks total ass and it's only been five minutes!

This real estate agent is just... strange.

Nah... it's not creepy at all that this fat dude in a red jogging suit is sulking his way into a hotel at 2am.

My daughter is going to wear Slayer shirts too. It's going to be great. 

Pantera! Hell yeah, this soundtrack just keeps getting better!

  Man, I need a huge jar full of random candy. That would be awesome.

Art and murder.

Motherfucker, get out of his daughter's bed or I'll kill you myself!

Seriously, if you have a hankering for something a little sweeter in the horror world, The Devil's Candy will fill that cavity. There truly isn't anything negative to say about this film except for what I've already stated above, so get some beer and pizza ready because this is one that horror fans shouldn't miss under any circumstances. The metal soundtrack, the cinematography, the story, the characters... everything presents itself as the perfect recipe for some sort of sugary confection, and that's quite alright with me. Get out your red flying V's, because you'll need to learn to solo for this one.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Baskin


I've watched plenty of foreign horror films from different countries including Italy, Germany, Norway, Canada, Japan... but never from Turkey. A Turkish horror film is something that I never thought I would ever encounter, let alone find it on Netflix of all places. Baskin is a film that I had heard a little bit about here and there when it was first released, but I never really had any interest in it. The cover and poster art are pretty cool looking, but a great cover makes a great movie not. I personally don't know how I feel about Baskin overall mainly because I just don't really know what the point of it all was. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood to dig for a deeper meaning behind this film, but it's basically five cops get called as back up to some creepy looking house/building, they run into a lot of fucked up people doing fucked up things in each room, and then they end up getting slowly tortured and brutalized by some dude that has an overgrown fetus-head that seemed like it never developed after he left his mother's womb. Or Satan's. Or whomever. The point is that I don't really know if Baskin truly has any, and that makes me a little disappointed because there are a lot of great things packed in here, especially the cinematography, score and the overbearingly dark mood and atmosphere that actually makes this an interesting horror experience for veterans and newbs alike.

Skeletor? Is that you?

T.V. static is always creepy.

A bucket of entrails-not exactly what I had in mind for a snack, but it will do.

Soccer-who cares.

Because bestiality is a normal part of life. Apparently in Turkey.

Man, Turkish music blows.

Plague of frogs. Something isn't right here.

Arda still has to be dreaming. I don't get it.

Now it's turning into Resident Evil.

    Fatty always pukes first.

I wouldn't take that guy anywhere. He would be shot before he goes with me anywhere.

Let me guess. It's some cult that has to do with frogs, fucking and black magic.

One of the taglines for Baskin is "Five cops go to hell". And that's really all you need to know going into this flick. Zits and zombies, I still have no idea if this can be recommended or not. All I can say is that if you're in the trenches looking for something with a really dark and uneasy atmosphere, a fantastic score, cinematography that holds angles and shots you don't normally see in film that often and top notch make-up and practical effects, Baskin will satiate that foreign horror sweet tooth that's been bothering you for awhile with that nagging cavity. If your looking for something deeper with a decent story and characters to care about, you'll have to look elsewhere. It's about as thin as those banners that football teams run through at the beginning of a game. Man, what am I doing-I don't even like sports. Eh, whatever.    

Friday, June 30, 2017

Tales From The Quadead Zone


I've been putting off the two Chester Novell Turner films for to long now, and now is as good a time as any to watch them and write about them. His initial effort, Black Devil Doll From Hell really is an S.O.V. flick from hell-scenes that go on for to long, mountains and mountains of padding, horribly strange Casio synth keyboard music and a religious woman that would rather bang a puppet that resembles Rick James than an actual man. But enough about that, I'm here to get on with Tales From The Quadead Zone. The production values are the lowest of the low, and you can still tell that Chester put his heart into this, especially since I think this is much more entertaining than his first flick. It's a homemade anthology horror film with three stories to keep it going. It only clocks in at about 62 minutes, but that's all the time you need with Quadead Zone. It starts off with the mother talking to the ghost of her son "Bobby" and he hands her a mug (well, it sort of floats up to the counter in the kitchen, but it's implied that his ghost is handing it to her) and you see the imprint in one of the chairs in the living room, giving the illusion that he has some physical weight to him. That's impressive considering what little Chester was working with. This wrap-around is accompanied by two really out-there stories that the mother reads to "Bobby", and the whole thing has a really off atmosphere that I can't really explain. You just have to experience it for yourself.

    These title cards are horrendous. 

I'm impressed. A ghost giving his mom a mug, blowing on her hair, sitting in a chair. It's all so real.

There's eight of you, and there's only food for four. Someone is going to die, aren't they.

  No one is upset that fatty just blew away three of their family members. Wow.

You're damn right that was a strange tale.

Looks like your brother is dead. Time to leave him alone.

Who wrote the score, a potato?

A champagne glass in the shape of a boob. Classy.

Yeah, Oscar. Let's get the fuck on up out of here.

Of course he's naked, he's dead. And why would you dress your dead brother up as a clown?!

He's already dead, you can't kill him!

When the credits for Tales From The Quadead Zone start rolling, it blatantly states that there will be a sequel. Or there was supposed to be, but unfortunately Chester never got around to it. I would have loved to have seen a sequel, but this weird triple-story anthology is all we have, and I am really grateful for it. The final act is actually more touching than you could ever expect, considering what takes place in the last 15-20 minutes and the whole film just makes a full circle. That's one of the things that makes me happy about Quadead Zone is that it wraps itself up quite nicely and actually leaves you wanting to watch more. But 62 minutes is all we have. Chester, let's meet up sometime. I want to get some coffee.    

Thursday, June 29, 2017

All Through The House


After all of this time, you zits and zombies should know that I really dig my Christmas horror flicks. My personal favorite that still hasn't been dethroned is the almighty Christmas Evil. I would rather watch that than Christmas Story or Christmas Vacation if I had the ultimate choice. But there's a new contender that I finally got around to watching last night called All Through The House-and this version of Santa is just fucking brutal. He doesn't care about anything except killing all of the hot chicks and douche-bag boyfriends he can possibly find. And these kills are gory as hell, especially the two scenes where random guys' dicks get lobbed off by Santa's hedge trimmers, or when the blonde at the beginning gets the blades shoved into both of her eyes at the same time. Merciless killing at it's finest. That leads me to one of this movie's flaws however-character development. There really isn't any. Most of the people that get sliced in here are just there and Santa has a jolly old time cutting them up. Which is fine, but I at least want some kind of small reason as to why these people are there. In any case, I really enjoyed All Through The House for what it is-a straight up visceral thrill ride of a Christmas slasher that pours on loads of gore and plenty of boobs.

Santa doesn't like naughty little boys.

Pretty Christmas lights.

I'm not racist, but why does her boyfriend have to be black? Are we all supposed to assume these days that all bigger girls date black men?

Wow, Santa is a brutal motherfucker!

Pour me a shot of that holiday whisky.

Ok-that wasn't a fucked up dream.

Well.... hoe, hoe hoe. I mean, ahem. This is a Christmas movie. Pull yourself together, man.

That's two, make it two severed penis' by way of Santa's hedge clippers. And the cat is eating it. Wow.

There's always deep rooted psychological issues when you have Christmas dinner with a female mannequin, a Santa statue and a teddy bear.

Damn, Kris Kringle is festive this year.

If you're looking for something different (and really bloody) this Christmas, try out All Through The House. Another positive thing I can say about this film is that the cinematography, lighting, use of color and production values are way higher than I expected them to be, and there are artifacts of the Christmas spirit in pretty much every scene. It gets you in the mood for some hot chocolate and some egg nog really quickly, and I kind of wanted to go thrifting to find some new decorations so that I could use them in November and December later this year. Thanks, evil Santa. Just don't lob off my penis. I need that for later.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Alice Sweet Alice (VHS)


There isn't a religious bone in my body. But even I can be disturbed by a film that focus' itself on being totally anti-religious. On top of that structure, though, are just a collection of outlandishly bizarre characters that populate this world that Alice lives in. Her Aunt Annie is a complete Catholic Nazi and she gets what she deserves when the time comes later in the film. The landlord Mr. Alphonso has to be the creepiest, fattest cat-guy pedo I've ever had to endure, and he really tries to do things to Alice that no grown man should be doing to a 12 year old girl. He also gets what he deserves. Hoo-rah. The overall tone of Alice Sweet Alice is just pure evil, and has everything to do with going against straight Catholic beliefs, and that's completely ok with me. As the film progresses and people get murdered in and around the church, you can just feel the dread and the atmosphere surrounding you, making you wanting to get the hell out of there and hide under your binky in your bedroom. It oozes out of your t.v. screen and your VCR (or dvd player or whatever print you happen to watch) leaving you wondering if the Lord really does exist, why would he allow people to get stabbed in his house, in front of his congregation? He does love us so, right? Get out of here with that non-sense. 

 You know why a priest would want to see a little girl. Oh wait-that's for little boys. Nevermind.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

That looks like the mask from Sledgehammer. It's creepier here though.

   Holy shit, bro. Lose some weight. And start with not eating the cat food anymore.

 Where's Alice? She's doing the right thing by not attending your brainwashing sessions 2-3 times a week.

'Burning Catholic Corpses'. That would be a great death metal song or band name.

Who gives a shit if mass starts at 9, your niece was just murdered. Religious people, man.

I can't wait for Alice to stab Annie. I really can't wait for it.

This 400lb pedo-cat guy is way more disturbing than Alice could ever be.

Alice Sweet Alice is another great example to me of why religion just needs to be abolished all together. It twists people into shells of who they're supposed to be, and it's all about manipulation. The relationship between Alice and her Aunt Annie in this film is all to real for some people, and it's a plague on humanity that just needs to end already. This film has a very good whodunit framework built into it as even after you have made it to the end, you still don't fully know if Alice really is the killer or not. The writing and the plot sucks you into this really horrible life and world that Alice and her sister Karen have to be a part of, whether they like it or not, and the viewer really gets to feel the depression and the hurt that the sisters have to absorb that made them who they are. Zits and zombies, partake in this communion only if you are in the mood for a serious slasher flick that will leave you wanting to come back for multiple viewings. Corpus Christi.   

Monday, June 19, 2017

Prison of the Dead (VHS)


About a year or two ago, a thrift store by my house went under by the name of Unique. My wife and I had only went in there while it was still open a couple of times, and one of those times we dragged our feet in there, she randomly found Phantasm IV: Oblivion on VHS and walked up to me and asked "do you know what this is, babe?" She handed me the tape. I asked in shock "where the hell did you find this?!" and I followed her around the corner where the rest of the VHS tapes were hiding. Besides said Phantasm tape, I also purchased Prison of the Dead, Dean Koontz's Black River, It's Alive III: Island of the Alive and Campfire Tales all on VHS for a quarter a piece that day. I have since watched all of them but one. Until I popped Prison of the Dead in my VCR earlier today. I kept asking myself "why doesn't Full Moon just stick with their flagship properties like Puppet Master or Killjoy?" as the tape kept on rolling with trailers for other films from them including Side Show and Witchouse II: Blood Coven. Those two flicks actually look really cool. I need to check them out when I can. Once Prison of the Dead started, I would have rather went to prison than watch this probably ever again. It was just trying way to hard to be a paranormal film with these jackass teens messing with a Ouija board in a medieval prison after hosting a fake funeral as a fucking joke. The three executioners that were buried there come to life and start snuffing out these nimrods while they simultaneously get possessed by some really bad booger-CGI ghost entity thingy. Dumb and dumb.

Blah, blah, blah.... just get to the funeral already.

I'm going to guess that your cell phone is one of those 90's pocket bricks.

You don't have to tell me twice that jocks are fucking losers.

Sounds like someone's a little jelly.

"I can't remember. I blame the nutra-sweet."

Don't you think you would have figured out something was off about this guy's funeral because you were the only ones there and it was being held in a medieval prison instead of a fucking funeral home?!

A Ouija board. Nope.

Zombies have never been equipped with axes, maces and chainmail.

Scene recycling? Alright. It's Full Moon. All is forgiven.

 "All we need are some flashlights and cameras. I have a zippo."

 "You can sit here and yank on your Ouija while we split."

I really ended up being let down by my heroes on this one as Full Moon can do so much better than what's offered here in Prison of the Dead. The characters are way to predictable and stereotypical, all of the kills are off screen, there's barely any blood, no boobs and an ending that just made me kind of both smile and cringe in one weird facial expression that I think I invented once this was finally over. This is certainly one of their more uninspired and weaker works when sitting next to the likes of Trancers or Dollman, as they are extremely fun and engaging in spite of just how horrible they really are. Prison of the Dead falls flat on it's face, and once it started yelling "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" in that signature Steve Urkel tambre, I simply walked away as if I never heard such a thing. As a cult horror freak, take my advice zits and zombies. When the moon is full, watch Blade and Pinhead instead of some idiotic teens playing with a Ouija board only to get killed by un-dead executioners in a medieval prison. Ah yessss-saaaaa. 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Silent Night Deadly Night IV: Initiation


In my last post about SNDN III, I touched on my enthusiasm about what I expected from the fourth film because of the cast and crew. Brian Yuzna's directing skills are definitely present here in the fourth installment, but still this film has absolutely nothing to do with any of the past lore or a fucking killer Santa Clause. This one just walks even further away from being anything to do with a Christmas horror flick, and has everything to do with witches, nasty ass bugs, hints of lesbianism and feminism and even a rape scene towards the end that has Clint Howard with his shirt off wearing a mask similar to Chris Fehn from Slipknot. And if that wasn't just outright bizarre on it's own merits, there are plenty of body horror scenes (that's mostly the type of horror Yuzna directs) involving some of the biggest and most grotesque insects I've probably ever wanted to see in any film of any kind. I almost vomited a couple of times because bugs just freak me the fuck out. Goddamned disgusting. In reality, the Silent Night Deadly Night name was probably just tacked on at the end as a marketing ploy to get people to buy this or watch it, but after the crappy trappings of the last two sequels, why would anyone even bother? Probably for the same reason I have so far-to see if the series ever returns to it's roots of having a serial killer/rapist Santa ruining people's lives. So far, I'm still extremely grossed out and disappointed. 

A burger with bugs and a burning bitch. This intro will wake you up!

Watching porn and banging your girl? My kind of lunch break!

Reggie, where have you been bro? Give me some mint chocolate chip in a waffle cone while you're at it.

I know you're a butcher, but at least wash your hands before you eat something. Please.

So far, I'm wondering what the hell any of this has to do with Billy, Ricky or a killer Santa Clause.

To many bugs. Just to damn many.

Prove it. Prove that that shit is real.

Holy shit! A radroach?!

I'm sure there's something wrong with that tea.

Ooooooooookkaayyyy.... I don't want to live anymore.

Out of the whole series, I don't know which to choose as being the worst sequel so far. This film should have just been titled Initiation or Bug Puke or something like that because the main focus of this film isn't what it's supposed to be. It's about a female cult that thrives on ridding society of men altogether by conducting this insane ritual where they lure random women in, put some black ash shit on their forehead, chant some Book of the Dead business and have some slug looking thing crawl into their belly button. Yeah. Tell me about it. I will probably never watch this ever again as long as I live. The only positive things I can say about Silent Night Deadly Night 4: Initiation is that Brian Yuzna's body horror directing style is all still here, with some of the scenes even feeling and looking like it could have been part of a film of his that I enjoy waaaaaaayyy more than this by the name of Society. Also, Screaming Mad George's practical special effects are top notch per usual as all the insects herein are exceptionally nauseating to the eye, which I'm sure is what they were both going for. As a stand alone body horror flick, this is a solid piece. But as part of a series that's supposed to embody a killer Santa slaying (hah) people, it's trash. Only for the hardcore fans. Ho ho ho.    

Monday, June 12, 2017

SIlent Night Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out!


The title for this entry in the Silent Night Deadly Night franchise is both highly appropriate and disappointing at the same time. The original film is a Christmas slasher classic revered by pretty much all horror freaks alike, while the sequel is completely abysmal-being comprised of 85% clips and scenes from the first just to tell a different angle of the same story, and the other 15% mainly focusing on a killing rampage including an infamous scene that everyone has ran across on Youtube randomly in the past 10 years or so. You know, garbage day?? I was personally hoping that this third entry would bring the series back to it's original form, but unfortunately it didn't. It kind of makes me not want to even bother with parts IV and V, but since the cast and crew for part IV ups the ante way higher than it should with Clint Howard and Reggie Bannister being main characters, Brian Yuzna being the director and Screaming Mad George having his hand dipped into the special effects; I'm fully expecting the sequel after this to be phenomenally entertaining. Part III kills my spirit for Christmas horror mainly because it's just a damn snoozer. I actually couldn't make it to the end without falling asleep. Bill Moseley "acting" in this didn't really do much, especially since he just stumbled around this whole film in a hospital gown and a red jello mold shaped like a brain on top of his head the whole fucking time. Ugh. Fucking waste of the man's talents. 

Run Laura, run!

I don't think asking Santa for help in this situation is a very good idea.

Rapist Santa. At it again.

What the-is that Gene Simmons with a baby?!

     80's metal guy... right in the nick of time.

This assclown is the original bad Santa. Fuck Billy Bob Thornton.

 Knew it... someone was going to get stabbed with the letter opener.

Damn Laura is mean spirited. I like it.

My name is Greg. I always make the chicks' panties wet.

 It's imperative that I get a sick-ass tape deck like that. Goodwill, here I come!

Granny be dead.

I feel like Silent Night Deadly Night Part III: Better Watch Out! is just an atrocious sequel. It does absolutely nothing for the lore of the original (the second one really didn't either) and the whole thing with Laura being telepathically connected to Ricky was utterly lame and I felt like it was just a total rip-off of the same idea from my favorite Jason flick; Friday The 13th part VII: The New Blood. Really, for now I'm going to suggest to you zits and zombies to watch the original or the re-boot until I watch part IV. The standards are high for that one. I guess Bill Moseley needed some cash at the time. We all whore ourselves out to get paid at one point or another in our lives. Hell, I worked at McDonald's for four years. That was enough.