Man, this is totally gonzo. My third year of Cinema Slayer is over. I truly cannot believe that I have been watching and reviewing horror flicks for three years. It boggles the mind. What also boggles the mind is just how many fucking awful ones I ended up viewing this time around. And I don't think I'm out of the realm of reality when I say that my number one worst for this year undoubtedly is the equivalent to draining the barrel, letting it dry and scraping it raw with a wood plane so you can get even lower than the bottom of the barrel. That is no joke, zits and zombies. I will be appalled at whatever I find to be the number one worst for 2018 because the stench wafting off of my top pick for this year makes the rotted corpse in your basement that's been decaying for the last five years smell like a garden of lilacs and orchids. I promise.
May the gods of horror bless me this coming year.
So now it's time to welcome you back to the show that never ends and walk down these halls of depression and sorrow as we look back at the mind melting atrocities that I have informed you all to stay away from. Hopefully you listened. If you haven't or are still curious, please-I beg of you. Do not watch any of these horror films. They will really make you question whether if all of this time and energy is worth it. Quite frankly, I did the same thing when I was putting my list together. May the night sky and cold winds have mercy on all of our souls.
#5. Greetings
Even though Greetings sits at number five, I still have the same feelings of shame and wanting to cut out my own gallbladder while sucking out it's bile because that would wholly be more of an enjoyable experience than ever watching this ever again. Absolutely one of the most boring and uneventful "horror" flicks that I have ever sat through. Literally for the first 3/4 of this film is a bunch of British weirdos sitting in some woman's living room talking about God-knows-what, gallons and gallons of coffee and wine are drank, and then a table starts floating and a white light kills everyone. Worst fucking birthday party of all fucking time. Nurse, hand me my scalpel.
#4. Most Likely To Die
I really don't know what sort of enjoyment I was expecting to cull from a modern slasher that features Perez Hilton as one of the main characters, but Most Likely To Die has what I think is one of the stupidest plots that I think I sat through all year. Instead of going to their actual high school reunion, these dumbass "friends" get together and have their own little high school reunion at their friends' house that ended up playing for the New York Rangers. The kills were extremely lame, the killer himself is just retarded and wears and graduation gown and cap with a mask made out of pages from their classes yearbook, and Perez Hilton's character does not get killed. Just as much of a waste of time as actually going to high school was. On to the next.
#3. Spirit Camp
I still firmly believe that Spirit Camp would have worked out better as a 20 minute short film instead of a full 90. There is a fine line between good transitional padding and just over filling a film with it to the point of everyone involved with the movie just not knowing what to do to make it a full length feature. It's not really necessary to have every single scene where Lindsay finds something in one of the girls' bunks to take a literal five minutes (per scene) to walk between cabins, yell for the gay guy that's bunking with her, drink and smoke all of the items she confiscated, and does it all over again probably four or five times. And Amber's 500lb boyfriend eats her out right before he gets stabbed. One time, at band camp... Jesus didn't apologize.
#2. Loony In The Woods
Last year I had Dr. Hackenstein on this list stating that that movie was one of the worst from Troma, but I have to say-Loony In The Woods tops it in this regard on every fucking level. The characters all have the intelligence and personality of a smiley face drawn on a piece of cardboard with a Sharpie, a guy named Buttons has a robotic tracheotomy that allows him to just repeat the same damn words and phrases over and over and over again and the main killer is some anorexic fruit cake that looks like he's ready to rob a bank with a rubber chicken. I despise all 69 minutes of this piece of shit and there is no reason for anyone to ever watch this. Burn it-yes sir!
#1. Blown
Here it is zits and zombies-the moment you've all been waiting for. The top turd, the king crap, the runny chili-bean diarrhea from the horror genres asshole... Blown. That's right folks. The idea behind this film is that some losers blow up doll comes to life because she's jealous of the fact that he's trying to get a real girlfriend. I truly don't know what I could possibly say to illustrate to you how beneath the bottom of the barrel this movie sits at. There is no reason, no explanation for something like this to exist. When I ran across this on Youtube and downloaded it so I could watch it-I think a part of what's left of my heart died. I have nothing left because of this film. If you have watched all 55 minutes of this and are still alive to talk about it, I applaud you. For real. This is a special kind of special. I can't. I'm done. I wish you good luck if you attempt this. Make sure you drink a bottle of holy water before hand. You're going to need it.
Runners Up
#1. Kill Cruise
Kill Cruise is just as confused about it's identity as I am as to if this is a coherent cult film. I stand by the scene towards the end where the dog shits on the edge of the boat as being a physical offering to the overall quality of said film, and I really feel sorry for Elizabeth Hurley stripping for random sailors, seaside strangers and old ladies. Everyone screaming "take it off!" at her was kind of jarring and strange even in the context of what was happening because the way it was put together was just awkward at best. I'm glad your career didn't tank because of this confusing mess, Liz. My condolences.
#2. The Windmill
I actually didn't even really hate The Windmill, I just thought it was kind of flat and generic in the end. There were just to many horror cliches' for my liking and I felt like they just drug the movie down in the dirt. I will say that the kills were pretty creative and gory, but beyond that I didn't really feel there was enough substance behind this one for it to really be anything more than just a purgatory movie at best.
#3. Cooties
Cooties isn't a complete piece of trash, but I think the main reason I just ended up not being on it's side to much was because I just felt like it was sort of a Dawn Of The Dead rip-off. An entire school full of kids get turned into zombies because a girl eats an extremely disgusting chicken nugget and ends up biting another kid and the infection spreads. That's it. That's the main basis. There is obviously more development towards the characters and what happens in the school, but it's so weak and paltry that by the time you get to the end you just can't care about it. School still sucked anyway.
#4. Clown
Most people don't like clowns, and the movie Clown doesn't really do them any favors. I was sorely disappointed with this one because Eli Roth was involved with it, but the main issue with this flick is that I never cared if the main guy ever was able to take the clown costume off. The entire movie, he couldn't. And I had no attachment to what was happening at all. I think really the only people that would enjoy Clown are either die hard Roth fans or are die hard fans of horror movies where the main focus is something to do with clowns. And I'm neither of those. So here it is. As a runner up. Never to laugh or cry ever again.
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