Saturday, November 10, 2018

Ghostbusters-1984 Original (blu-ray)

I could never do a film like the original Ghostbusters from 1984 justice because it's just an outright 80's comedy that still to this day has a solid and rabid fan base. Most of you zits and zombies already know that this isn't horror (barely) but the tale of three science nerds who get thrown out of a college for wasting their grant money on their research of psychic and paranormal phenomena, with which the dean basically says that will never help out mankind in the long run. How silly and wrong could he have been. Egon, Ray and Peter end up going into business for themselves as sort of a third civil service sector-part firemen and part police. With one helluva twist. They "bust" ghosts in a really cool way by using their scientific know-how and technology at hand to develop P.K.E. meters, proton packs, a laser grid to contain the apparitions once they catch them, ghost traps and whatever else they need to apprehend such beastly shapes. All of the comedy comes in of course from Bill Murray being a likeable jackass and womanizer, pushing against Harold Ramis and Dan Aykroyd's characters being all about the science and the discovery of the afterlife actually being real. Even when Ghostbusters was first released, it had the word classic written all over it mainly because it's witty, flows extremely well, never lags anywhere and has some amazing practical effects that still hold up even today watching it in 2k or 4k. When there's something strange in your neighborhood, who are you gonna call?

Damn this is a huge library.

Even ghosts hate the Dewey Decimal System.

Venkman is always looking for "shocking" results.


"Someone blows their nose and you want to keep it?"

Keep drinking that booze-you'll figure it out.

I've never seen eggs cook themselves-have you?

The condiments in Dana's fridge must really be expired.

   "I collect spores, molds and fungus."

Yeah... it's one helluva cockroach.

Slimer is gettin' down with that hotel food.

"I feel so funky."

Walter Peck is a fucking loser.

There is no Dana-only Zuul.

There are those of us out there that have lived under rocks for most of our lives, and if you're one of those sad individuals that somehow has never seen the first Ghostbusters film-stop being Amish already. Push the sequel to the side and completely forget about that piece of shit that came out a couple of years ago... the only one any of you rotting corpses need to sit through is the glorious initial offering. Everything about it is top notch film making and it has every good reason to have the huge following that it does. Even the theme song by Ray Parker Jr. will get stuck in your head for days after it sprinkles it's magic into your eardrums. Just the entire concept surrounding this film is straight genius because the universe that this vocation takes place in in New York really feels like it could be a real job that anyone could apply for. Hell, I would. After how many times that I have seen this picture myself, my two favorite scenes are still the commercial that they have on t.v. saying that "they are ready to believe you" and when they destroy the Stay Puft marshmallow man. Two odd choices, but really anyone could probably pick almost anything from Ghostbusters as a great scene and it would stick. Zits and zombies, charge the proton packs and clean out the ghost traps... cause I ain't 'fraid of no ghost.

Friday, November 9, 2018

Lady Frankenstein

I'm pretty sure that I have mentioned this in past posts before, but my absolute favorite Universal monster has always been and will always be Frankenstein. The story and the character itself is so classic because of how it portrays the normal human feeling of confusion, self-awareness and being automatically cast as a misfit just because you "don't fit in" according to society at large. There is a whole franchise of films that have to do with the legacy of Frank (and his bride, and his son) and with that type of territory there are always re-makes and re-imaginings. Lady Frankenstein is the latter because it's basically the same story, just re-done with a different twist and has nothing really to do with the original canon or lore of Dr. Frankenstein creating his monster except for the actual act of him doing so along with his fiend causing a ruckus and stirring up some shit. His daughter Tania learns fairly quickly that his own creation has killed him and wants to continue on with his work, and starts putting her surgical skills and personal lust into the mix to contrive sort of a sick plan to transplant her lovers' brain into a (let's be honest) retarded servant boy's body only for superficial reasons of course. Everything goes as they plan it, and the original monster that her father created comes back for revenge. Everything comes back eventually. 

You grave robbing bums.

Hilariously foreboding music makes me smile.

A patron of science? More like a greedy bastard.

"Here on earth... Man is God."

Simon is the town drunk version of Tom Savini.

  Tania-I mean Lady Frankenstein-is quite ravishing.

 Legalized murder? I'm all in.

Secret doors, secret rooms and secret passages.

Lobotomy comes first. Lightning second.

I want a sunroof in my laboratory.

Even in classic horror films there's to many damn bats.

The most grotesque of creatures deserves life.

Every police captain should dress like Jack The Ripper.

Holy shit-even an ugly sleaze bag like Lynch can bone some premium blonde pelt.

 If any of you zits and zombies out there are into old school horror, Lady Frankenstein will hit the spot. It has very good production value, the plot keeps you on your toes and as everything unfolds there's a sense of "is this actually going to work out" hanging in the balance which does pay off even before the finale comes into play. It's basically the initial plot with some severe twists that change it up against what you already know about what happens in the first place, and to be very honest I might actually like this more than the original film with Boris Karloff as the monster himself. It's probably hidden in the execution somewhere, but this film has more going on than the original and I was engaged with what was going to happen with his daughter and what she was going to do to continue what the doc had in mind. She just ended up doing what she wanted instead. No bettering mankind here. 

Monday, October 29, 2018

The Suckling

Digging into this hobby has it's merits, and becoming desensitized to certain things as a toll really starts to show after awhile. You wouldn't think a film like The Suckling would really even touch the inner fibers that would make a collector and connoisseur like myself wonder what dark corner of the earth I had accidentally stumbled into. Much in the similar vein of the It's Alive trilogy, The Suckling features a killer fetus that wants nothing more than some solid revenge and some killer time with it's mama. But what disturbed me more than anything about this flick is how drenched in grindhouse filth this thing actually is, and could actually physically feel myself wanting to check out. There's a serious depth of "this is a horrible place that I shouldn't be in" that truly reveals how selfish and disgusting we as human beings really can be if we just don't give a shit about anything after a certain point. Aesthetically, these terrible things take place in the upstairs area of a brothel where young people can pay a nominal fee to have a coat hanger abortion (no, seriously) and every single character in this piece is on sickening display just to show how wrong this type of underground practice may or may not actually unfold. I really didn't like anything about this film and I came very close to taking a full-on shower when the credits started rolling. What's visually disturbing though is really how nonchalant the people in this house act towards killing a pretty much full term baby, and then flushing it down the toilet. Only to have radioactive waste drip onto said seed, force it to grow into the monstrosity that you see on the box art, cover the doors and windows in placenta's so no one can go in or out, and then proceed to give everyone what they deserve. So I guess the message of The Suckling is that pro-life is the answer to all of our abortion needs, but hey... it's not my ultimate choice.

    Another text crawl.

Hey, it's raining where I live too.

Sexy nurse with an axe.

This editing is almost as choppy as The Last Slumber Party.

She's right-this house doesn't even look legal.

Quiet in the corner over there you damn doper.

I'm pretty sure that the guy isn't pregnant.

Baby killers-you're all a bunch of fucking baby killers.

Rubber Johnny?

That's one mean baby.

"I'm not like you-I have things to live for." That's funny coming from a guy that's getting his rocks off in a dirty ass brothel.

Family portraits are going to be real difficult from now on.

   Zits and zombies, this is a complete purgatory film. I already know that I will never watch this again mainly because I don't really see any reason for this to exist. As I stated earlier, the people involved probably wanted to make a statement about pro-life versus pro-choice, but in all honesty the grimy, grungy tone of The Suckling just makes it just to damn dark in terms of subject matter for it to even be enjoyable. At the very least, It's Alive III has some sort of a sub-plot happening in the background along with spots of Michael Moriarty's comedically dry antics to keep you entertained throughout, but here it's just a sickeningly selfish ride from beginning to end. Probably the best parts are in the third act after the baby fully mutates and starts killing everyone in the house with plenty of hate, vigor and gore so at least everyone gets what was coming to them. So there is a corner of positivity to try to lean towards, but the journey to get there just suffocates the viewer with an inebriating amount of slime that I'd rather have you not wade through. Just watch only once for the curious, otherwise... use your coat hangers for your hoodies and jackets instead.     

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

WNUF Halloween Special

Just like Christmas specials and Thanksgiving specials have been (and most likely still are) a thing to illicit the spirit of whatever holiday that they are coinciding with, there are also countless Halloween specials out there to get everyone in the mood for candy, costumes and Satan. Well, maybe not really the devil in his entirety, but just the small parts that have to do with having horns, a red tail and a three pronged pitch fork. Camp Motion Pictures/Alternative Cinema have been my favorite indie horror house and distribution company since terror became my hobby and my love almost nine years ago-and I firmly believe that what they have concocted here with the WNUF Halloween Special really is something special. Just automatically tossing this piece of nostalgic wonderment into the found footage folder next to the likes of The Blair Witch Project and Quarantine really would be one helluva injustice considering the finesse', dedication and genius it must have taken from the Camp crew to put this amazing piece together. It truly feels like you are watching someone else watch a random VHS tape that they found lying around (or maybe that they found at a local Goodwill for a dollar) and curiosity struck a chord for them to slide this into their VCR-and you just happen to be their best friend that was invited to check this thing out. The commercials and ads that are in between the news broadcast hosting the Halloween special really are true-to-life recreations of local businesses trying to promote their services to the community that they live in, and man did that shit bring back memories of the type of commercials like that that I used to soak in when I was little. It does know how to build up that old school tension of sitting there waiting for the main program to start, and when it does there is absolutely nothing but pure excitement. 

The rewinding of a VHS tape. Magnetic memories.

"High Pike" farms-kind of stretching it, aren't we?

Deborah, you cast that spell on me-of witchcraft.

My kids could go trick or treating with the guy that drives the ice cream truck.

A build up to the main event begins.

Witchie poo! That's classic.

It's blasphemy that you don't want kids to have a good time by dressing up and getting candy.

Yeah Mrs. Harris, I am going to laugh because of how pathetic you sound.

I'm going to Tokens to play some Gauntlet! Hell yeah!!

      1-900-Monster? Give 976-Evil a shot. Hoax is waiting.

 Damn, this Webber house story could be real.

Zits and zombies, if you were at all growing up in the 80's and remember anything from watching television during that era, the WNUF Halloween Special is an absolute blast to sit through. There really isn't much to complain about here except that maybe some of the scenes during the film get fast forwarded through that you would more than likely want to see and there are a couple of the same commercials that do repeat, but that honestly just adds more to the realism of making this feel like it was all taped off of t.v. and was lost in your friends' sock drawer for the last 30 or so years and just rediscovered it a few days ago. The actual Halloween special itself is great and really is something that would have been aired during the late 80's, complete with corny jokes, paranormal mediums and a priest that really isn't a priest. Oops. It builds itself into something sinister and somewhat obvious at the finale, but there was never anything that detracted from the fun of it all. Turn your dials to channel 28 because this it-this is the special you've all been waiting for. Anything is better than the Star Wars Christmas Special. Yeah.... let's not go there.    

Sunday, October 7, 2018

Murder Party

Sometimes going into a film you know nothing about lends itself to things like surprise and wonder. Maybe you'll see something shocking, and maybe you won't. Maybe you'll soak in a scene that will stay with you for awhile and maybe you won't. Murder Party is chock full of "maybe you won't"'s. A fucking massive disappointment is an understatement when it comes to this piece-even though I had absolutely no expectations at all, and there is relatively nothing memorable about the experience of sitting through this to the end. It opened up kind of promising with kids going trick or treating, jack-o-lanterns getting smashed because teenage boys are assholes, and some solidly dark ambient music which fills the initial frames with a hint of grandiosity and wide-eyed curiosity. I didn't like any of the characters, all of their costumes were absolutely flat, Alexander is a fucking heap of human douche-baggery and the "comedy" that gets set up and spewed during the entirety of main man Chris being tied to an office chair while a bunch of insecure losers try to figure out how to kill him for "art's sake" pretty much made me laugh... never. One of the main selling points of Murder Party is supposed to be the gore contained inside, but it wasn't even close to being enough for it to be great. Everyone really does eventually die-just dumbly and uneventfully. Probably the worst, most drawn out scene that kept going and going was a scene where Alexander gets a bunch of needles out and tells everyone that they are going to play "extreme truth or dare" and everyone proceeds to inject themselves with truth serum and starts throwing secrets around. He even puts some of the serum in a piece of pizza. It drags on and on for at least twenty or thirty minutes and felt like it was never going to end. 

How dare you destroy that jack-o-lantern.

You could never be lonely if you have a huge bowl of candy corn and are about to watch "Scarewolf" on VHS.

Where's my invite to the murder party?

Dude, you're going to a Halloween party, not LARPING.

Heading to a milk bar.

Someone died-but it wasn't the LARPING guy.

It's to late for no alcohol and no weed.

Hey Alexander-you're a douche. I hope you fucking die.

"I was just going to chop his dick off and set him on fire."

I'll take "that's fucking lame for $500, Alex".

Truth pizza. I'm not hungry.

"I'll make sex with pillow."

Okay... when is this truth or dare bullshit going to be over.  

Even though I feel like I completely destroyed any want for any of you zits and zombies towards watching Murder Party, it isn't complete trash. It has a mountain of flaws to contend with, but it does sport a layer of homage towards the horror film community what with Chris' choices in movie rentals on VHS, the Halloween season, what little gore it has (even though pretty much everyone gets killed by an axe, chainsaw or some other form of tool) and I was ecstatic when Alexander was finally snuffed out. I hated that guy. Murder Party really is a throw away flick to watch if but once during the fall or Halloween time. Horror purgatory at it's finest. Maybe not. Full circle. Time to put on my cardboard armor and watch Scarewolf.      

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Scalpel/False Face (Arrow Video blu-ray)

If I did what any other normal film/horror reviewer does by putting together a best of the year list instead of the worst, Scalpel in general would be somewhere in the top five. No joke. This is absolutely one of the best and most twisted psychological thrillers out there, and I find it somewhat of a shame that not to many of you inspirational undead out there have heard of it. There isn't much "horror" in it per se', but when everything that Dr. Reynolds has built up around him finally cultivates into a sick urge to have some rapey time with his actual daughter towards the end of this craziness-there's a pretty wrong and sick feeling that just sits there at the back of your throat wanting to expel itself. I found this film on VHS at the Gordyville flea market in the central Illinois days for fifty cents, and the cover just captivated me. It was an absolute blind buy because how messed up could a film named Scalpel be? Very. Even with this very lovingly printed on blu-ray by the God-like horror/cult distribution powerhouse Arrow Video, going back and watching this on my old and beat up copy of magnetic magic certainly has a strange, fuzzy and grainy feeling to it that is close to fever dream quality. The blu however is absolutely gorgeous and this release by Arrow gives you the option to watch it in the original Edward Lachman film grade which features the initial strong warm yellow and green tones from the master film stock and/or VHS tape along side the Arrow film grade which is presented in a more clean, natural look to the overall color levels and grain. The version I soaked in with my double vision as I threw down some notes was the Lachman grade because I am already used to seeing this film in that yellowed southern gothic style, as that is how it looks on the VHS. 

21rst century alchemists. Cool label. I dig it.

So many funerals lately. I don't need to see this.

Well, Heather is rich all of a sudden.

There's no reason to be depressed when someone passes away. You can't stop death.

Hamburger lady? If you get that reference... please let me know.

That skin extraction always gets me. Just-yuck.

Damn doc-this is one fucking elaborate plan to get your father's inheritance.

Family reunions are interesting.

Technically this isn't incest. But it's still weird.

Those catering girls look just as tasty as the food they are serving.

Sorrow is always buried in art.

 Scalpel is completely loaded with tense moments, people dying, funerals, drinking, incest, greed... the list for this film goes on longer than what I want to put in here. The basis that really works here and makes this piece really memorable is the fact that Dr. Reynolds is just bonkers and has no problem killing literally anyone in front of other people. His daughter runs away pretty much right at the beginning of the film, and he basically uses one of his patients that has the same build and stature to perform plastic surgery on her to make her identical to his own daughter. This really opens up when Heather eventually returns and cooks a pretty big meal for all three of them, leaving Jane (the fake Heather) feeling like there's no reason to even be there anymore. There are so many damn layers to this that keep piling up and piling up until Reynolds can't even tell which girl is his daughter and which one isn't and tries some horrible things on Heather that I mentioned earlier that make his darkness that much more palpable. Zits and zombies, participate in getting a copy of Scalpel for your collection. This deserves it. I just hope that if you inherit five mill, you won't have to hatch a plot for it. Enjoy it.

Sunday, September 30, 2018


Way, way back in my late teen-early twenty's years I had worked at a newspaper warehouse with a lot of really weird and idiotic people as co-workers. 2007 was one of the last years I kept this piece of shit as my place of employment before I ended up quitting to move out of state to New Mexico of all places-and one of my last memories before leaving was a conversation I had with a couple of guys that worked there that were around my age about a horror flick they had watched the weekend prior called Teeth. Yes, it really is more than likely what you think it is as it is a terror flick that revolves around a young girl by the name of Dawn that, you guessed it... has teeth in her vagina. As stupid and ridiculous as that may sound, that's what it is. And that's it. It took me more than eleven years to finally give this thing a go, and it didn't sit with me as well as I had been hoping it would have. The idea and premise behind Teeth is actually kind of original as I don't think I've ever heard of any kind of film before this one that actually took a chance at making somewhat of a strange and obvious notion a real thing in any kind of a motion picture. I think my main issue with this while I was taking my notes was that every single male that Dawn runs across is an absolute asshole-ish scumbag that wants nothing more with her than to just bang her brains out because of her very strong wills and convictions towards abstinence. They want to make her swipe her v-card, give up the ghost and pop that cherry if you can ride the wave that I'm casting, but the point is that I really had a hard time getting past the pacing and just the awkward performances that every character portrays during the course of this horror outing. I still don't really get the whole contrast between her and her step brother as she is supposed to be and angel and he's a devil or something.... I don't really know because even in the context of this mess of a film the scenes that contain Brad and his girlfriend smokin' dubs, listening to metal and fucking doggy style pretty much have nothing to do with what is going on with Dawn. It just felt unnecessary and was pretty much there as sort of comedic relief or whatever, but it never worked and drug the film down.

    Looks like the power plant that Homer works at.

Kids will be kids... I guess.

Were promise rings really that big of a thing?

Who's this asshole? Wayne Static with a shaved head?

   Damn these teens are fucking squares.

Sex and spelunking.


Masturbating is normal. I hope you know that.

Okay-that's enough man-ass in the locker room. Five seconds is long enough.

Those stalactites are cool. Look, I have a boner!

"I haven't jerked off since Easter!"

This promise/purity thing is a cult.

Lose the mullet. Then you can get a date.

After the first few guys (and a G.Y.N.O. that gets his fingers "bit" off by her vag) that she basically tears their dicks off because, well, they were dicks-Dawn starts to realize that she can actually control what her lady parts do down there during sexy time and takes some sweet revenge on her step brother for being an assclown. She seduces him (which is a really fucking weird and off-putting scene by the way) rips his wiener off, and then his dog perfectly named "mother" actually walks over to his severed helmet-in-the-bush and promptly eats it as if it were jerky or a treat or something. That shit made me laugh. HARD. Teeth by any stretch is not a good film to watch. Even by horror movie standards. There's always a cult following for pretty much anything that cultivates after long periods of time, and there is a cult grouping for this film-but they can keep it. I didn't get into it as much as I really had hoped after all of these years of putting it off because it just sounded fucking dumb. And I was kind of right in thinking that. Zits and zombies, I would recommend watching this maybe once to satiate some kind of curiosity towards a terror flick that involves a young woman that naturally has thorns in her rose, but I can assure you that this isn't a bouquet your going to have arranged for a special occasion anytime soon. Now I have to go forget about that damn Poison song for the umpteenth time.