Wednesday, May 23, 2018

It's Alive

The very first film in the It's Alive trilogy that I watched was It's Alive III: Island Of The Alive back when I found a copy of it on VHS at Unique. To bad that thrift store closed a while ago-there were some great tapes in there to be had, and of course I never got around to acquiring them. Even though my personal favorite is the third entry, it had to begin somewhere and the 1974 original was played as a serious take on the public trust of doctors and hospitals who administer drugs and the like while patients are there. The new Davis baby ends up being born a mutant of some kind as a result of being exposed to an experimental drug that the mother was given whilst pregnant. Overall, she was basically being used as a guinea pig (what a shock) to try some new drugs that a pharm company needed tests done on, and their child was born aggressive, hungry and scared not knowing what to do except to kill to eat. Larry Cohen did an excellent job in this film keeping that actual baby out of frame to often because it's a total classic case of "being more frightened of what you don't see" that works to great effect and keeps the viewer on edge to get a glimpse of the baby. I'm not going to sit here and tell you zits and zombies that It's Alive is a masterpiece-but it is a 70's horror classic that is still very watchable even today. Especially in regard towards doctors and hospitals over-medicating and taking advantage of their patients. That shit needs to stop. 

This isn't the opposite to the opening of Look Who's Talking, is it?

Frank, I think I have to poop.

My bedroom would be a sneeze-storm if that cat was sleeping with me.

Who cares if she's Irish or Scottish, just go watch your kid be born already!

Dude, who stirs their coffee with a damn pencil!?

10-11 lbs. Crap, that's a big baby!

I can't even be upset. This baby did what I've always wanted to do in a hospital. I've said to much already.

It's the mainstream media. You shouldn't be to surprised.

No one should like taking shots. Good for you.

How does this baby see anything? It has double vision like it's drunk or something.

The original It's Alive isn't prefect by any means. It has it's own flaws for sure such as some of the editing in spots being jumpy, the acting can be dry and off center at times and Lenore Davis acts really bizarre in a couple of scenes. I suppose that's supposed to be her character coping with what's going on, but it just felt unnatural and really strange even in the context of what was happening. Those small nitpicks aside, though, It's Alive in and behind it's message is still just as relevant now as it was in the 70's-it's just the whole drug/hospital/people putting all of their faith in doctors epidemic has become way out of control. I believe it's pretty much at the point now where no one can stop it. Zits and zombies, please don't be duped by a medicine man. No one needs a child that craves flesh. No one.        

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Demons At The Door

Another piece of my horror beginnings from Champaign, Demons At The Door was a dvd that I had planned on buying because it was less then five bucks and I had found it at Meijer's. I did not buy it, however because I informed my fellow trash collector Steven Cisna about it and he scooped up a copy fairly quickly for his collection. That weekend when he came over with a bunch of random movies for us to slime through, the dvd of this beast was one of them. The cover really said something to me that almost made me vomit, well, in part because some of the music in this film was arranged by none other than the two dumbest fucks to ever be born-ICP. Yeah, you read that right zits and zombies... this movie contains music "composed" by a fat asshole and a skinny douchebag that wear clown make-up and rap about "Magnets, how do they work?" I can't believe that I actually had to include this shit in one of my reviews on here, but there it is. Moving on from that filth-how's Demons At The Door? Technically, it's one helluva mess. I could have done most of the CGI myself on my PC and it would have looked more realistic, the dialogue is laughable, the ADR is atrocious and there are way to many beefcakes and not enough females. Oh, and the main guy in this movie looks like a hilariously mutated version of David Hasselhoff and Arnold. Yeah.   

The intro makes me want to play Guardian War on the 3DO.

 I wish I could find a dragon-shout in real life.

HAhahhahhahhhaaaa!! The main hero is like a mix of Arnold and David Hasselhoff!

I'm pretty sure that a round from an AK is bigger than a BB!

The Lord Humongous is in this movie?!

Bible mumbo jumbo. I'll deal with it for the plot.

"Here's thirty five cents. Call Ripley and see if he believes this shit."

Why does there have to be music by ICP in here?

This demon looks like it's full of that neon green stuff from the inside of those Ninja Turtle dessert pies.

Damn, the septic tank backed up again.

Yay-more reasons religion is dumb.

Demons At The Door is something I really wanted to like the first time I watched it in Champaign with Steven, and I wanted to like it the second time for this review. But, alas I just can't. The ending is absolutely bat-shit and just makes me wonder where the writers and director wanted to go with this film because it's legendarily off the wall to the point where I really thought I had huffed a can of paint before I pulled this up on Amazon Video. I remembered it being insane the initial time I watched it, but it's even more-so the second time around. Zits and zombies, the angel Uriel needs your help to save the world from Satan... and the best way we can do that is to not watch this movie. Thank you.

Monday, May 21, 2018

Drive-In Splatterhouse

I absolutely had the lowest of low expectations when I sat down to take notes for Drive-In Splatterhouse after I came home from work earlier this morning because this looks like a fucking turd. But, on the contrary, I was balls-out entertained by this modern grindhouse offering and it really took me by surprise. The acting is truly awful, but in this case for some reason it adds to the charm of how bottom of the barrel this picture is and it all was to perfect for the tone and feel that you overall experience with it. There is plenty of exploitation to absorb here what with tons of lesbianism, female nudity, gun-play, really REALLY bad special effects and two of the worst, most generic anthology stories that could have possibly been shoved into this 64 minute run-time. I hate to admit it to you zits and zombies, but Drive-In Splatterhouse pretty much immediately became a guilty pleasure film for me as I was jotting notes down and I would gladly sit through it again just to soak in all of those hot female bodies and terrible thespian work. My favorite bit was at the beginning with the fake trailer for a movie called "Easter" where a giant bunny rabbit shows up in a low-rider and just starts blasting everyone with a murdered out AK. That's when you know shits going to be good. 

Oh shit-some low budget, grindhouse fare!

This trailer for "Easter" is on point!

Jesus, there are some killer babes in this film.

I would complain about the padding, but when the padding is a lesbian couple making out, there's nothing to complain about.

Do cops give up that easily?

Hell yeah, Teagan has some serious firepower! I hope the libtards don't see this movie!

 These henchmen fucking suck.

This montage of this hot blonde jogging and beating up a punching bag is, well... kind of pointless.

(Jaw drops open)

This isn't when Peter Steele was arrested, was it?

 Yeah, get down-make love. Right now.

As I've already said zits and zombies, Drive-In Splatterhouse is a modern grindhouse flick that is more delightful than I expected. The only real thing that should have been more involved or had a little more money and time put towards it should have been the pretty much non-existent special effects and gore. Other than that though, this is garbage entertainment almost at it's best, it just needs a little bit of a harder kick to the groin and it would most certainly be accepted into the dried out and dying open arms of the horror/cult community. If your in the mood for exploitation that leans more towards female nudity and lesbianism versus guns and gore, then this is what you're looking for. Just watch out for that rabbit. Elmer Fudd is going to need more than a sawed-off.  

Monday, May 14, 2018

Analog Chaos has launched!

Zits and zombies! I have been wanting to get this together for a long time now and I've finally finished my first Analog Chaos episode on Youtube! Check it out! Just go to the link I have below or go to the Cinema Slayer Youtube page to give it a watch! In the pilot episode I rattle around the cheesy action flick Fast Gun from 1993-Hotchka!

Monday, April 30, 2018


I haven't had much time lately to watch much of anything or take any notes for a review for you zits and zombies, and I needed to break out of that. I needed something fresh to springboard off of, and my wife was telling me yesterday before I slumped my ass to work about this film on Netflix called Dude starring Lucy Hale. It sounded ridiculous, absurd, stupid and out of context for something that she would normally star in, and boy was my wife ever correct. There are so many horribly written scenes and bizarre dialogue choices that made me laugh for minutes on end because these lines are absolutely stupid and I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk like how these people in this film do. I personally think that Lucy Hale agreed to this script because Netflix was going to pay her a decent amount for the picture and maybe she thought it would be a good idea so she wouldn't be forever type-cast as Aria from her break-out show Pretty Little Liars. With all of that bullshit out of the way, is Dude even worth watching? The answer is a resounding hell no. Just no. One of the huge flaws with this film is that the focus keeps trying to force the audience to care about the character of Thomas (who is only in the movie for the first couple of minutes) and it just ends up being a massive story vehicle that goes absolutely nowhere. Dude is bogged down with so much extra side shit between what we are supposed to care about and what is happening with these four girls that the viewer has nothing to really pay attention to except the odd happenings on the screen.

What an opening. Lucy Hale and her friends rollin' dubs and rhyming something nasty.

   Get a haircut you fag.

How is "would you rather loose all of the hair on your body or be prostitute for a week" a valid question?!

I've honestly never met four chicks that did weed this much.

 There is a bathroom in this high school that has a rainbow question mark on it. Jesus Christ.

Are females this dirty? For Real?!

Thomas didn't show us any of this shit because he was only in the movie for the first two minutes!

Holy shit Noah, that was a horrible attempt at asking Lily to the prom.

Why does anyone need to attach a garbage bag to a vaporizer??

Lucy Hale said Leroy Jenkins! HAhahhahhahahhahhaaaahhahha!!!!! 

Zits and zombies, I've basically already said what I'm going to say about Dude. The only really redeeming thing I can muster is just that Lucy Hale is hot like she always is. Her acting is straight up garbage in this picture, and most of her scenes are overdone which adds to the awkward feel and just downright strange tonal shifts that this movie decides to hop all over the place with. The scene that made me actually cover my face and laugh harder than I have in quite awhile is this-I'm not kidding you-there is a scene where Lily is giving head to Noah and she puts her hands in the air with his dick in his mouth and proclaims "look mom, no hands!" Seriously. That happens in this movie. Please, if you are a fan of Pretty Little Liars or Lucy Hale at all, don't watch Dude. It's atrocious in almost every way a film could be and it will tarnish your fandom towards anything good that she has done recently. Dear sweet Jesus Christ.      

Monday, April 16, 2018

Watchers Reborn

The very first time I had ever even heard of Dean Koontz was way back in my junior year of high school. I was setup to take a class for extra graduation credits where you literally just read books the entire period, and every once in a while the proctor of this course would give some kind of assignment or project to do as homework for whatever the hell you were reading. I've always been into reading in general (I'm kind of off and on with it nowadays) but the very first book I read by Koontz was Dragon Tears. I fucking loved it, and for my final project for that class I did an entire presentation on Koontz himself and a book report on Dragon Tears. I'm pretty sure that if i remember correctly I received a B or something like that and I was pretty happy about it. Unfortunately, one of his novels that I have never read is Watchers. I never even knew that there was a Watchers series of films until a week ago when I stumbled upon the VHS of Watchers Reborn at a Goodwill that my wife and I went to just to look around. After looking around online I found out that this is the 4th movie in the franchise, and I still wanted to watch it anyway because Mark Hamill. That's right-the man that played Luke Skywalker, the protagonist in Wing Commander III and the voice of The Joker in Batman The Animated Series plays a cop in this movie and damn does he phone this shit in. His acting is just so bland and flat that you could tell in his face that he's thinking "I'm getting paid, I'm getting paid" and that really just brings this film down even further. 

Sexy saxophone intro.

Einstein is one smart dog.

If you're watching to much Sports Center and not enough Discovery Channel, I think it's time to change that.

Hot blondes are always in control.

 Get "The Outsider" a beef jerky link-he's destroying the lab!

Mark Hamill is a damn legend.

Cops and Feds beating the shit out of each other. I love it.

There's plenty of room for the Silver Bullet.

The point of pushing all of the oranges off the truck is... 

There are many elements that made me really want to like Watchers Reborn, but I just couldn't. Mostly from Mark Hamill not giving a shit, it left me kind of sad and empty at the end just wanting to read the Watchers novel more than anything. There are really great special effects, "The Outsider" looked decent enough and the plot was kind of interesting even though I didn't really know what the hell was going on most of the time. That's probably due to the fact that this is the 4th entry and it just opens up as if you've seen the first three. Zits and zombies, if you have any interest in this at all, I would probably just say read the Koontz novel or watch the first three films first before you even decide if this is even for you. Mr. Hamill was just doing his job to get paid and I'm just writing this so you can have another franchise to work through. Hotchka.   

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Cherry Bomb

At the very raw and crudely humorous heart of Cherry Bomb is a very self-conscious, non confident personality in our main man Ben. He's thirty years of age and has never even kissed a female, let alone banged one. So now that the main focus is out of the way, all of the other things that populate the run-time of Cherry Bomb is simply a dick in a pizza, a blow up doll (that Ben violates profusely) a cute barista in a coffee shop, an assclown that I was glad was in a wheelchair and his parents and two closest friends locked in the crappiest apartment I've ever seen with a bomb that will detonate unless Ben has sex with a woman in 24 hours. The plot and idea behind this film is pretty stupid in all honesty, but it's all of the situations and people that Ben has to interact with during the 24 hours that actually makes this movie more comical than it should be. Without the over the top humor and modern self-ish asshole stance that his parents and two buddies have that move this piece along rather smoothly, this would have been a fucking painful nightmare to get through. I wasn't expecting much when I sat down to take notes on this zits and zombies, and I was thoroughly surprised at how many things that happened that actually made me laugh out loud to myself.  

Wow, this apartment is very...underwhelming.

Bringing down the property value? It doesn't look like it's worth much in the first place.

Carrot dick?! That's just hilarious!

This is a bottom, bottom, bottom of the barrel rip-off of Saw.

Why does this masked prick care if Ben is a virgin or not? Is it really necessary to blow up his family because of it??

Blown Part 2 was not what I was expecting.

   Hahahahhahhhahaaaaahhahhahahha!!!!! Ben has a Fred Durst tattoo!

 At least GoPro's are waterproof.

Ben, you don't need the pizza. This blonde is already hot. Just bone her.

Sexy chubby girls.

Damn, that fat dude can run!

 The humor and comedy contained in Cherry Bomb really is crude but great. The range is probably between any college humor flick you've ever seen towards the left and more Troma type of material towards the right of the scale and basically anywhere in between. Even though I did laugh quite frequently with how insane and ridiculous some of the situations played out that Ben puts himself through, this film is far from perfect and honestly once you've seen it once you'll probably never revisit it. The acting is so dry and wooden that It could easily be burned in my fireplace during winter. There are some funny underlying commentaries about feminism, sexism, our current government as well dwelling in some of the jokes so there is a little meat to chew on while viewing this. For the most part though, Cherry Bomb just has to be corraled into my horror/cult purgatory because I feel one watch is more than enough. I also found out that Tupperware parties aren't really Tupperware parties-they are swingers parties. Yeah. Apparently on Craig's List.