Monday, April 16, 2018

Watchers Reborn


The very first time I had ever even heard of Dean Koontz was way back in my junior year of high school. I was setup to take a class for extra graduation credits where you literally just read books the entire period, and every once in a while the proctor of this course would give some kind of assignment or project to do as homework for whatever the hell you were reading. I've always been into reading in general (I'm kind of off and on with it nowadays) but the very first book I read by Koontz was Dragon Tears. I fucking loved it, and for my final project for that class I did an entire presentation on Koontz himself and a book report on Dragon Tears. I'm pretty sure that if i remember correctly I received a B or something like that and I was pretty happy about it. Unfortunately, one of his novels that I have never read is Watchers. I never even knew that there was a Watchers series of films until a week ago when I stumbled upon the VHS of Watchers Reborn at a Goodwill that my wife and I went to just to look around. After looking around online I found out that this is the 4th movie in the franchise, and I still wanted to watch it anyway because Mark Hamill. That's right-the man that played Luke Skywalker, the protagonist in Wing Commander III and the voice of The Joker in Batman The Animated Series plays a cop in this movie and damn does he phone this shit in. His acting is just so bland and flat that you could tell in his face that he's thinking "I'm getting paid, I'm getting paid" and that really just brings this film down even further. 

Sexy saxophone intro.

Einstein is one smart dog.

If you're watching to much Sports Center and not enough Discovery Channel, I think it's time to change that.

Hot blondes are always in control.

 Get "The Outsider" a beef jerky link-he's destroying the lab!

Mark Hamill is a damn legend.

Cops and Feds beating the shit out of each other. I love it.

There's plenty of room for the Silver Bullet.

The point of pushing all of the oranges off the truck is... 

There are many elements that made me really want to like Watchers Reborn, but I just couldn't. Mostly from Mark Hamill not giving a shit, it left me kind if sad and empty at the end just wanting to read the Watchers novel more than anything. There are really great special effects, "The Outsider" looked decent enough and the plot was kind of interesting even though I didn't really know what the hell was going on most of the time. That's probably due to the fact that this is the 4th entry and it just opens up as if you've seen the first three. Zits and zombies, if you have any interest in this at all, I would probably just say read the Koontz novel or watch the first three films first before you even decide if this is even for you. Mr. Hamill was just doing his job to get paid and I'm just writing this so you can have another franchise to work through. Hotchka.   

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Cherry Bomb


At the very raw and crudely humorous heart of Cherry Bomb is a very self-conscious, non confident personality in our main man Ben. He's thirty years of age and has never even kissed a female, let alone banged one. So now that the main focus is out of the way, all of the other things that populate the run-time of Cherry Bomb is simply a dick in a pizza, a blow up doll (that Ben violates profusely) a cute barista in a coffee shop, an assclown that I was glad was in a wheelchair and his parents and two closest friends locked in the crappiest apartment I've ever seen with a bomb that will detonate unless Ben has sex with a woman in 24 hours. The plot and idea behind this film is pretty stupid in all honesty, but it's all of the situations and people that Ben has to interact with during the 24 hours that actually makes this movie more comical than it should be. Without the over the top humor and modern self-ish asshole stance that his parents and two buddies have that move this piece along rather smoothly, this would have been a fucking painful nightmare to get through. I wasn't expecting much when I sat down to take notes on this zits and zombies, and I was thoroughly surprised at how many things that happened that actually made me laugh out loud to myself.  

Wow, this apartment is very...underwhelming.

Bringing down the property value? It doesn't look like it's worth much in the first place.

Carrot dick?! That's just hilarious!

This is a bottom, bottom, bottom of the barrel rip-off of Saw.

Why does this masked prick care if Ben is a virgin or not? Is it really necessary to blow up his family because of it??

Blown Part 2 was not what I was expecting.

   Hahahahhahhhahaaaaahhahhahahha!!!!! Ben has a Fred Durst tattoo!

 At least GoPro's are waterproof.

Ben, you don't need the pizza. This blonde is already hot. Just bone her.

Sexy chubby girls.

Damn, that fat dude can run!

 The humor and comedy contained in Cherry Bomb really is crude but great. The range is probably between any college humor flick you've ever seen towards the left and more Troma type of material towards the right of the scale and basically anywhere in between. Even though I did laugh quite frequently with how insane and ridiculous some of the situations played out that Ben puts himself through, this film is far from perfect and honestly once you've seen it once you'll probably never revisit it. The acting is so dry and wooden that It could easily be burned in my fireplace during winter. There are some funny underlying commentaries about feminism, sexism, our current government as well dwelling in some of the jokes so there is a little meat to chew on while viewing this. For the most part though, Cherry Bomb just has to be corraled into my horror/cult purgatory because I feel one watch is more than enough. I also found out that Tupperware parties aren't really Tupperware parties-they are swingers parties. Yeah. Apparently on Craig's List.     

Monday, April 9, 2018

Eyes Front


Before I even start rambling on about how much I wanted to end my life after this film was over or where I found a copy of it on dvd, just look at the cover art for a minute. Go ahead. Absorb it. Ponder it. Try to contemplate it. I'll give you some time. There's no rush. (...57...58...59...60) Okay, now do you feel like you would want to watch this after gazing at this insanely boring and generic cover for Eyes Front? Actually, here's the truth-the dvd case is more engrossing than the film itself. I have been a huge fanatic for psychology and serial killer studies for a number of years now, and this film has to be one of the shittiest attempts at making a movie about just that subject. I couldn't make heads or tails about what the actual fuck was happening on the screen coupled with the fact that it was trying desperately to have two different killer stories run parallel at the same time. Gave me a migraine headache. Eyes Front was a dvd I found at the Gordyville flea market in Champaign a couple of years ago for a dollar and now that I finally sat through this sad excuse of a picture, I'm going to go drink a bottle of Simple Green. Not because I'm thirsty, but because getting my stomach pumped in the E.R. at 11:45pm has to be more fun.

Everyone will supposedly be judged. Put down the bible.

I hope this isn't some shitty Christian serial killer flick.

Ah. Back before stupid smartphones took over everything. It's cool to see a payphone.

Whether God is real or not, there are still heinous crimes punishable by law.

Ok, ok. Instead of the horrendous shaky cam while these guys get killed, how about we as an audience oh, I don't know-actually fucking see it??

I still don't understand the point of having freewill if it's a sin to act upon it.

Weight lifting. Talking on the phone. Hawaiian shirts. Slightly off ambient music. All such a waste.

Sickies always take pictures of their own work.

Alright dude-put the phone down. Please. Put the damn phone down.

 By the time the final act had begun in Eyes Front, I was already pulling what little hair I have growing forth from my head out in complete boredom and frustration by the simple fact that this title is a complete mess. I barely could comprehend anything that was happening plot-wise and all of the Jesus talk didn't help matters either. Besides that, the cinematography contains so many obtrusive angles and poor framing choices that I think a blind picture frame maker could have filmed this better without even being able to see what the hell they were doing. The icing on this cow-pie cake is the shaky cam. Dear sweet Moses, the shaky cam. About 75% of this film looks like it was shot while the camera crew rode the Tilt-A-Whirl at full speed in one of those traveling fair/carnival type things that graces everyones' little town once a year during the summer months. I really wanted to be a fan of Eyes Front because of my fascination with serial killers and psychology, but unfortunately it's absolutely impossible. This film is riddled with every movie flaw that pretty much exists and that just makes me very sad and willing to jump into Lake Michigan head first. Swimming was never a strong suit of mine. 

Sunday, March 25, 2018

Demon Wind


The deeper I go down this horror film hole, the more complete I feel. Even after somehow managing to not off myself beyond the likes of Blown, Curse On Blanchard Hill, Greetings and many, many other bullshit attempts at fright entertainment-there are still plenty of 80's and 90's gems that lay stained with the soot of the earth that need discovering. Demon Wind is for sure one of these diamonds or emeralds. After viewing this only for the first time about a week ago with a few beers and some sustenance, I had to choose something for my note taking works to be fulfilled. My Amazon Instant Video watch list is pretty full of weirdo cult movies and blood soaked morsels for me to cleanse my nerve filled optics with, but the cover art for Demon Wind captivated me-and I acted. Everything about this flick is a very solid 4/4 with no extra notes or busyness-I just wish that the overall tone of the picture was just a tad less straight and I think that this would be a near perfect horror piece that should occupy some shelf space. It really is that fantastic as the plot is pretty dark with all of the witch burnings, black magic and satanic imagery-special effects (all practical) are truly superb and I loved every bit of the demon makeup (although in 4k it all looked really cheesy) along with a pace that never pulls the viewer along or tries to push them ahead, culminating into an excellent classic terror flick bellowing from 1990.   

A picture of Jesus, some family photos and a voodoo doll. Makes sense.

Damn George, how much vanilla yogurt did you eat?

Sweet. A skull full of worms.

It's not essential to see Cory naked. No, really. It isn't.

Dell is a fag-shoot him.

She probably didn't know her former boyfriend was Count Vlad Tepes Dracula either.

Karate kick beer can!

Paul McCartney wears lip gloss.

A little movie smog never hurt anyone. Well, now Dell is dead. I'm not always right about these things you know.

There is one main way I can recommend this to you zits and zombies-just go on Amazon Instant Video and enjoy it. Demon Wind was recently released on blu-ray as well so hopefully besides the way I watched it that will be the other way blood fans will happen upon this film. There is a scene that is pretty funny where one of the jocks is karate kicking beer cans to try to impress everyone. That was pretty great and I feel like that is definitely a classic moment that must be shared by everyone. Kind of like the "pancakes" scene from the original Cabin Fever. If you just cut that part out and posted it somewhere out of context, everyone would gravitate towards it and wonder "what the hell movie is this from"? And there's the potential following. Either way that you consume this film is perfectly okay. Just don't get caught up in some strange mess of medieval magic. That's going to get your house burnt down.  

Monday, March 19, 2018

Night Of The Dribbler


The easiest and most painless way that I can describe the level that Night Of The Dribbler sits at in the cult/horror world is this-If you've ever opened a can or a bag of Cheetos and immediately started rummaging through said container on a quest for the biggest, sexiest, cheesiest piece you can find... that's where were at. Oh, and before I really get into this here zits and zombies-the killer in this flick actually looks like how he does on the box art. That mask is real. It's absolutely ridiculous and shitty, and it honestly surprised me on some occasions with how well it worked in this really wooden world of dumb jocks, teens, teachers, cheerleaders and radio host for the basketball games. Even though you could tell that this film was thrown together on a weekend with $100 and all of the random teenagers the crew could possibly find, Night Of The Dribbler was still charming in it's half-assed personality and cringe worthy prose. I never really fully figured out (nor did I really give two shits) if this film ended up like this on purpose as a parody or satire of some kind, or these nincompoops just wanted to paste together a terrible cult movie for the sake of pasting together a terrible cult movie. Either way in all normality, this should either be in my horror purgatory section or on the back burner for my top five worst of the year in November-but somehow I found this piece of dried turtle toilet waste to be entertaining in spite of the fact that every single joke, kill and line housed in this offering to be fucking lame and abysmal.

Yeah-stop fooling with those balls.

"Dick Air Head"-oh man. Where's my cyanide.

I love blondes in leopard print mini skirts.

The game announcer looks like a picnic table grew a mullet.

This is the most ridiculous sub-plot I've ever heard.

How convenient that she has a gambling problem.

Now I really know how planking got started.

All of these losers need haircuts.

Becky is hot. You know what to do.

Ref, listen-shoot me with that shotgun next time. Please.

That mini-organ is more valuable than anything else in this entire movie.

   I can't recommend this to any of you zits and zombies. It's not worth your time. If you're in the mood for a really, really low budget teen comedy mixed with some of the most bottom of the barrel acting, jokes, dialogue, characters and killer all wrapped up together in a ham and cheese wrap that has started to grow mold on the inside in your fridge-take a bite. I dare you. Night Of The Dribbler is for those of us that have plenty of experience with knowing what we are getting ourselves into and have had food poisoning in the past. We have been through these things. If you haven't, you're better off just watching American Pie or Porky's again for the trillionth time. At least with those classics they don't feature an overwhelmingly annoying sports announcer that looks like he cut his blazer from your grandma's picnic table in the backyard, rocks an amazing mullet and switches up his voice acting every couple of minutes. That actually sounds kind of fun. I'm quitting my day job. 

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Lemon


My third and final rental from the library was Lemon, and truthfully a lemon this is not. I'm probably the only person on the entire planet that is going to make this comparison, but the entire time I was slamming down some notes to put this post together, I felt like I was watching a very dark, adult version of Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah. Even if you disagree with me there are plenty of similarities-except there is no Summer Wheatly or Pedro to fill in any comedic voids or relationship awkwardness. Lemon is filled to the brim with the latter, and there are all sorts of weird selfish acts and heated mental breakdowns from our protagonist Isaac including him flinging a strawberry cake that Michael Cera's character brings to his house for a nice dinner and conversation. Right in his face. Alex gets very upset and leaves a voice message on his answering machine blurting out things about "calling the cops" and "you need help" as well as calling Isaac a motherfucker-which I actually found to be pretty funny. The actual act of having the cake thrown in his face was pretty great as well. I found this cult indie flick to be on the artsy side while somehow still dipping it's toes into some pretty heavy dark comedic waters as you get to witness Isaac slowly sour into a socially inept, well... lemon. 

Everything is vintage.

This is totally me after work. Except for the self urination.

Michael Cera is the new Gene Wilder. We need a new Gene Wilder.

Jesus, 15 burritos? Pregnant women can eat.

Isaac is trying to tell you that it's not about you-it's about the audience. Make them feel it.

Such a complicated relationship. I am intrigued.

I think Isaac is about to break.

Gotta get your break somehow. Might as well be a commercial for Dignity Diapers.

Jealousy really makes things darker, doesn't it.

Holy shit man-kill the woman's spirit why don't you.

All families are dysfunctional, but this is pretty dark and over the top.

Pretty much right around the scene where Isaac loses it and throws that cake at Alex is when he just starts unraveling. You can tell he is completely lost and doesn't know what he is doing anymore, and even though that type of character is supposed to have some sympathy connected to them, it's almost impossible with Isaac. He basically tells his girlfriend of ten years that she is worthless and he fell in love with her because he felt sorry for himself instead of her (which is absolutely brutal on all accounts) thinking he could never find anyone besides her. He also still feels like a failure because his sister is pregnant with another child and his brother also has kids and his own business while he pretty much has nothing. Lemon is a very interesting and personal spiral that from what I got out of it was this-be happy with what you have. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Besides, you don't want to be socially sour do you? No. You want to be awkwardly sweet.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Better Watch Out


On my endless perennial quest to find great Christmas horror flicks, Better Watch Out has been a curiosity on my list since the end of last year. I randomly saw the dvd and blu-ray of this at Walmart while my wife and I were shopping for gifts, and the cover art caught my eye. Honestly, there really isn't anything special besides how colorful it is, but it just looked like a great Christmas horror flick. It's all about marketing people. I kept this film in the back corner of my mind up until last week when I was at the library. I rented this out along with Hell Night and another dark cult film titled Lemon. All three of these pictures are fantastic for their own reasons, and Better Watch Out has a twist that makes it as unique as it is insightful-a great combo that I wasn't expecting. Another fact that I absorbed while watching the "making of" documentary was that this is an Australian horror flick. All of the actors are straight up Aussie, and their performances while dropping their accents are flawlessly superb. I couldn't have asked for a more solid cast for an indie of this caliber, and it just added to the overall quality of the final product. Luke is fucking insane. Why are you friends with this guy? 

What a happy snowman. I knew it wouldn't last.

Pot-socks? Yes!

Why not bone the babysitter and get stoned?

Luke is so freaking neurotic.

It's a spider. It doesn't have to do anything wrong. It's a spider. Kill it.

I never had this much game when I was twelve.

Seriously-people still have land-line phones these days?

What a spacious attic.

Umm... slapping Ashley down the stairs was highly unnescessary.

Well, Luke's character has taken a fucking dark turn.

Every twelve year old is evil, but this is a whole other level.

"Luke needs therapy" is an understatement.

  If any of you zits or zombies are into home invasion fright flicks, Better Watch Out will quench your thirst. Except the twist about thirty minutes in or so makes it a little bit more original and different than what you would expect. That's what makes this such an amazing watch and the acting is very real and intense-all of the younger, main actors in this film are going places. They all have bright futures and I truly got sucked into the atmosphere and dark situation that proceeds because of that. Superb indies come only a few times a year (well maybe more than that, but for continuity sake) and Better Watch Out is a must own for holiday horror freaks and home invasion fans alike. Just don't go near Ashley. Luke will probably blow your damn head off.