Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Gnaw


The name is short and to the point. The cover art is also short and to the point. The movie doesn't follow the same path however. Gnaw is loaded with some of the most generic, backwoods horror cliches' and audience predictions that could have ever been possibly shoved up it's 90 minute ass-but tries to redeem itself with gross-out scenes and a weird 2-3 person cannibal family where the mother cooks the victims and the son chases the main characters around kingdom come in some stupid looking wolf/bear suit thing that wasn't even menacing or terrifying at all. I mean, really-after taking your initial bite out of the food that was randomly set out on the kitchen table when they found the house in the middle of nowhere and there is hair and a finger nail in it, they didn't think twice? So damn frustrating. So boring. There was little to no tension build up or anything that made me even care about anything in this film, and what busts my balls even more is that this thing could have been solid. The gross-out cannibal idea could have worked if there was actual thought or effort put into this production, but unfortunately there wasn't. The ending just forces you to think that there is going to be a sequel (and there is) but this first offering just makes it reasonably unnecessary to even want to try and bother. If your going to bake a human pot pie, at least make it exciting and flavorful. Not some frozen drivel you can find in the refrigerated section of the dollar store. 

210,000 a year-that's a lot of missing persons.

Come on, Jethro! It's lunch time!

People will never learn that partying deep in the woods somewhere is never a good idea.

Flattest burgers ever.

I've only seen Jack for five seconds and I want him to get eaten already.

It's never to early for a bath.

Skully needs to get his eyes checked. His glasses are all scratched up.

Yeah. Bollocks.

Someone get this guy a respirator, or Darth Vader's helmet for fucks sake.

   Never wake up a sleepwalker.

They're probably really having Jimmy Dean for breakfast.

   So instead of saving your girlfriend from getting turned into a breakfast sausage, you run away. Wow.

Gnaw is a picture that I had a feeling I wasn't going to dig, and I was right. It just felt so lazy and vomited out that I'm still wondering more than a week later after watching it why the people involved even bothered. The plot offers nothing new, the characters offer nothing new and the gross-out stuff is really tame and off camera 99% of the time anyway so there isn't anything to garner from this except maybe just pissing 90 minutes down the drain because you feel like it. I didn't feel like it-I guess I'm just trying to find pieces of shit to add to my list for my worst of the year because so far I've had good luck in 2019. That's more surprising than anything that took place in Gnaw. I don't really know how to end this. So, I guess just don't watch Gnaw.    

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Disconnected


I sort of just picked this at random on Amazon Prime recently, but Disconnected left me feeling... well, disconnected. I didn't like it. Normally this sort of sludge from the bottom of the horror/obscurity barrel gets me pumped for what's coming next, but this particular 82 minute stretch of beaten highway really left me dragging my feet. There's a lot of weird close up shots of a Groucho Marx statue in Alicia's apartment, her white dial-tone phone rings non-stop to the point of me wanting to beat my sweaty brow with a ball-peen hammer and pretty much nothing in this little world set in Connecticut really makes any sense. Really nothing. At the beginning, she helps an old guy up the steps to his apartment. Then she works at a video rental store (which is really the only great thing in this endurance run) some jack-ass comes in asking about porn while she is talking to some socially awkward fruitcake named Franklin. She throws the porn guy out. I don't think I even really know what to say about Disconnected besides the fact that not a whole lot happens. Alicia's phone constantly rings, and when she answers it it makes a lot of fucked up noises, Franklin is a serial killer behind closed doors, Alicia ends up drinking a lot of gin and smoking lots of cigarettes and then the film just kind of ends. There's no explanation, no twists, no surprises... nothing. Just an hour and twenty two of a young woman yelling at her phone and her working at a video store.

You can eat your lunch and go see a dead body.

You're going to have to scream-talk... this music is to fucking loud.

    Does doing magic tricks at a bar really work to pick up chicks?

Okay. This band sucks. Tell them to get lost.

Damn I miss video rental stores.

I have a vcr. I wish I had a beta.

Every rental store probably had that one guy that always came in asking about porn.

Looks like a good old fashioned choking with a phone cord to me.

Franklin's got some fucking issues.

That sucks-Barbara Ann is going out with the porn guy.

Glass cleaner to clean up blood. Sure, why not.

Anything Hitchcock is great.

 Zits and zombies, Disconnected wasn't to great because it tries to hard. There's a couple of side plots that seem like they are all going to come together to help out the very empty, very soulless skeleton that makes this picture up, but just as quickly as they came, they were gone. It would have been a huge help if the serial killer thing with Franklin actually went somewhere, but it doesn't. It would have been a huge help if the whole thing with Barbara Ann banging all of Alicia's boyfriends behind her back actually went somewhere, but it doesn't. It would have been a huge help if there was some kind of a reveal for who or what kept calling Alicia's phone over and over and over again, but there wasn't. I can't recommend you undead to watch Disconnected because there's nothing to watch. Unless you have a weird hang-up with phones from the 80's constantly ringing or black and white photos of a young woman drinking gin and smoking cigarettes. If you do, you need this on blu-ray. As soon as you help that old guy up the stairs.      

Thursday, July 18, 2019

Hobbs End


I love it when I find random films at flea markets or during thrifting (especially ones that I've never seen or heard of) and Hobbs End was a curiosity I found last week at the Goryville flea market for under $1. My interest was piqued by the cover art because it showcases a random guy draped with flannel in the dead of winter clutching a chainsaw. The whole context of the photo lead me to believe it was going to be some sort of cheesy-assed Texas Chainsaw ripoff or something, but that's not the case at all. At All. This cover art is true marketing trickery (because it worked in getting me to buy it) and it's just another one of the many, many movies out there that lies to it's potential audience to sucker them in. Even though I was duped and now I have the paper sleeve release of Hobbs End as part of my collection-was it at least worth my initial watch? Surprisingly, yes. But the experience of sitting through this was much different than what I expected. The entire feeling I pulled from this picture was almost like I was reading a very well written thriller novel that I just couldn't put down. That's really the best way I can describe it. It flowed very well, the two main characters are very solid and are eventually fleshed out evenly and even though there was basically no kills (there's a couple, but they're off-screen and pretty basic) and no gore to speak of at all, I really enjoyed this thing for what it was. There's also a few twists that are sort of predictable and a red herring that I was actually wrong on, so there's that as well. Just wish that damn chainsaw made an appearance. It didn't.

I thought Hobbs Ends' population was 667? I guess I was wrong.

Holy shit-make this song stop. Please. No, don't turn it up. Goddammit.

    Winter is something I really don't miss.

Ah-back when old and new technology still crossed paths.

You might run out of gas soon. Just saying.

It's hard to decide if Ben looks like an 80 year old pizza delivery guy or an 80 year old lumberjack.

That's a hard nutshell. But Lacey cracked it.

Mr. forest camo is about to turn into Mr. red herring here in a minute.

That's not vodka-that's water.

Howard Hughes was a size 11 boot too, but no one cares about that.

 Yeah, you nomadic bastard.

Todd wants some of Lacey's cooking alright.

I think Todd is your husband, but we'll get to that later.

If you can find Hobbs End somewhere to watch it, I'd say check it out. From what little about this flick that I could find on the web and beyond, it seems like either really no one knows about this piece or if people have seen it, they didn't like it. That's a shame. Really. It's not that bad. This is a slower, dialogue heavy type of thriller that builds and builds on itself until the pressure can't be contained by the end and then it slams you in the face for sticking around. That's ultimately what I dig about Hobbs End-it yields a nice reward for being patient. Now that this review is done and I'm kind of buzzed, it's time to eat. Lasagna and garlic bread it is.  

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Hooker With A Hacksaw


As deep as I've gone with indie horror for a long time now, Donald Farmer is a director of these types of no budget gore films that I've just never bothered to look into. If Hooker With A Hacksaw is any indication of his other work that is still a mystery to me, then I might just stay away. My year so far has mostly consisted of mediocre purgatory horror flicks that I'll never revisit ever again, and this one fits right in with the rest of them. I won't sit here and lie to you zits and zombies-there is some pretty cool kills and sweet gore, but that's really it. The production value for this thing is probably worth the same amount as buying a new set of shoe laces for some cheap kicks at Payless, and there was little to no excitement or build up to anything great of any kind. There's plenty of product placement consisting of Bud Light and main girl Kasper Meltedhair wasting about five minutes of the run time trying on random halloween masks at Party City. Donald Farmer had no shame zooming out in the parking lot when she walked out of the store either, and it was clear as day that that's where she was at. Hell, even when she was inside I already knew where she was at before that event took place because who hasn't been to a Party City at some point. If you're in the weird mood for really scummy characters, seeing a girl gut a guy with a hacksaw and then jack-off his intestines as she pulls them out of his stomach then go ahead. Put a new blade on it first though.

I was going to say that a chainsaw would be easier but... whatever.

Fucking thrash!

Gas is $1.95?! Where the hell do these people live?

So pharm-techs are junkies... I knew it.

 That's obviously a plastic skeleton.

Shit man-got enough ketchup?

Flea markets are always a pleasure.

C'mon Raymond.... you're dressed up like Leonard DiCaprio lost his acting gigs and signed up as the new magician at Denny's.

 "What do ya' think, pig-boy? Do I give good head?!"

Donald Farmer must have paid Bud Light plenty of cash for how many times I've seen it in the background.

It's easy to party at Party City by yourself.

Hacksaw to the nuts!

Bettie Page spray painted on the side of a building is always fun.

What ultimately makes me sad about Hooker With A Hacksaw is that it has potential. With a little bit more of a spin-kick to the groin with production values and a smidgen added to the budget, I think this would have been a winner. It could have been an indie gem that everyone in the horror community needed to see, but it just isn't there for me and I can't recommend it unless you're drunk on the floor with nothing better to do or your spouse kicks you out of bed at 3a.m. for snoring to loudly and you end up watching something weird for the sake of watching something weird. With a piece of pizza and some milk and cookies. I clap my hands together loudly for Donald Farmer creating his art because that's what he wants to do, but I personally think he needs to save up a little more dough for next time so he doesn't fall short. By the way, Linnea Quigley is in here for .5 seconds on a t.v. in the background when Kirsten is on the phone with some ass-clown that's calling her for some business. Yeah. That's all the screen time she has. I need my septum pierced again. Twice.            

Monday, July 15, 2019

Mindkiller


Don't be fooled by the cover art of Mindkiller. It's way more bad-ass than this film could ever be. And even after putting those words down to start this review, I've actually sat through this thing four times before I decided to jot some shit down on paper. Roughly 80% of this picture are scenes of horrendously executed character development and the tripiest of tripe dialogue. I don't actually think tripiest is really a word, but the script for this thing stinks. It reeks of the trash that I just put out in front of my house yesterday to get picked up today, and I can still smell it after it's gone. But somehow, I still enjoyed Mindkiller for what it is. It's one of those weird ones where I could watch it four more times after this review and I won't get bored of it. The special effects in the final 20 minutes stack up to being something I wish this offering had more of because in all reality, the final act is the only exciting part of this to take a bite out of. Basically, Warren is a fucking introverted loser that works at a library. He's addicted to self-help videos that are focused on learning how to pick up women. Because he wants to be good-damn good. The guy that even hosts the tapes themselves looks like some kind of 80's high school science teacher that tried to dress up like Harold Ramis when he was pre-Ghostbusters, and has some of the lamest advice he could possibly ever give to a guy like Warren. He goes to a bar quite often with his friend Larry called "swingles", and is one of the most awkward bastards that I've ever seen trying to hit on various women. He's sick of it, sick of his roommate Brad getting all the action, and eventually stumbles on a manuscript in the basement of the library written by some guy that figured out how to expand your mind and put literal mind control to good use. That's where things start building up.

Both life and death-10 feet away.

Yeah, slide it under the door!

Rex Hunter is the Bob Ross of picking up women.

       I guess sometimes you have to slap on an ugly leisure suit from the 70's, fire up that disco ball and spill some popcorn all over a cute blonde at the bar.

Warren might be a Black Flag fan.

"I got the whole thing on video tape-get your library card ready if you want a copy."

If some random manuscript buried in the basement of a library could turn a woman into a slut like that, then I'm breaking into my local library later tonight.

 You've got it made if you can use your psychic powers to make all of the candy spill out of a vending machine.

"Care for a mint, Svengali?"

Hey Mr. Townsend... put your clothes back on.

Is that wine or Hawaiian Punch? Either way, Warren is turning into a douche-bag.

Roughly around the halfway point through Mindkiller, Warren turns from a likeable loser into a self-centered ass-hat who is hellbent on being with Sandy. Him and Larry even run into her at swingles with a bunch of female co-workers from the library, and he gets her alone and asks her about her personal policy about going out with peers from their workplace. She says it's different because they are women and then he just slowly slips into a personal madness that ultimately procures into the monster from the cover art bursting out of the top of his head and climaxes with Larry shooting lightning out of his fingertips and frying the monster like Raiden electrocuting Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat. Zits and zombies, there is a high level of endurance that you would need to make it to the end of Mindkiller, and unfortunately, I have it. I enjoy the library-but not for renting out "how-to-pick-up-women" tapes. Or strange mind control manuscripts. I need to renew my library card.    

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Island of Death


The title of this particular Greek cult/horror flick is kind of underwhelming, considering all of the insane amounts of outlandishly perverted sexual acts that render space during this saga. Island of Death was a video nasty in the 70's and 80's for a reason, and even though most of the films that I've sat through that were on that list back then really didn't deserve such hate-I think they got it right with this one. It was way ahead of it's time in terms of being free with showing a gay couple and a lesbian couple actually proceeding with things of natural forces, and that's really just the tip of what this film puts you through. Christopher and Celia are siblings and they get down as well as everyone else does in this picture. There's also sex with a lamb that is beheaded afterwards, Chris pisses on an older woman that is considered the island whore before they get going with their bedtime romp and then he just beats the shit out of her all through her house until she's unconscious. And then him and his sister carry her out of the house and he decapitates her with a fucking earth mover of all things. There are so many bat-shit scenes in this thing that I'm actually surprised I even made it to the end because normally I don't tolerate a lot of weird sexual material when I take notes on something for my blog, but it was a cult flick that I've really been wanting to see if it lived up to the hype, and yes, it did. I could go on forever plugging all of the insane shit in this picture-but I won't. You have to really see this stuff to believe it.

Sunburned is an understatement.

365 churches? That's to many. Call a black metal band to come and take care of that.

A house-nice, warm and cheap. This guy needs to find a nice, warm and cheap shower too.

Holy crap-a payphone.

Mario Mario is a dirty bastard. Look at his face.

Instead of everyone hates Chris, it's more like Chris hates everyone.

Well I guess Chris is going to have to kill his sister now. Even though he had sex with a lamb. Yeah.

You couldn't tell that guy was gay? Get real.

Murdering people does burn off a lot of calories.

Dark room artists.

Who invited Shaft?

"I hope he's got a waterproof watch!"

 Zits and zombies, I still don't actually know if I even liked Island of Death. The cinematography was very clean and interesting, the audio is great and you can hear everything the way you're supposed to. Colors pop and physically this film looks outstanding, especially since most of it takes place on the island of Mykonos. It's always amazing outside and everything just looks so good. But then there's a lot of rape, sexual deviancy, some guy getting nailed to the ground in the same way Jesus was nailed to the cross and was forced to drink white paint until he choked to death. A lesbian that has a heroine problem and just wants to have it with any female she comes in contact with. This was probably made just for shocks' sake, and even today I think it works. So I guess I can give credit where credit is due and just leave it at that. I don't think I'll be revisiting this anytime soon, and now that I know that I probably won't get the Arrow Video blu-ray either. For true sickies only.     

Monday, July 8, 2019

Evils Of The Night


This one has been sitting on my Amazon Prime list for quite some time because I've had lots of other films I wanted to soak in first, and to be fair Evils Of The Night wasn't completely horrendous or anything. I'm chalking it up to being a purgatory picture because it seriously had so much potential compared to what it actually contains that it made me kind of sad a little bit. The concept for it was pretty decent as it's just a group of aliens that want to kidnap young people between the ages of 16-25 (or something like that) so they can be drugged and drained of their blood in the "hospital". They are doing this to increase their life expectancy by 200 years and are paying normal assholes like the two idiots working at the auto shop nearby in gold coins every time they capture someone and bring them in. I really, really was hoping that this offering was going to have some solid blood and kills, but there's pretty much little to none of that here. I'd venture to say that roughly three quarters of Evils Of The Night has got to be teens either having sex or wanting to have sex and the main focus of the aliens hiring people to collect them to farm their blood is almost an afterthought. Zits and zombies, it's been awhile since I've been disappointed by a horror film instead of just outright hating it because like I said at the begining, this had potential and it just falls short. There are plenty of 80's hotties to see with their clothes off (and you do see everything on pretty much all of them) but when it comes to this business, more of a balance between blood and boobs is what's needed for me to raise my hands in spiritual ecstasy. Unless I'm just really in the mood for one or the other.

      A lot of 80's horror movies with aliens start with people having sex and the aliens spaceship in the middle of the woods.

Who has a picnic at midnight?

That cooler better have beer in it.

These alien chicks look like crappy extras from Barbarella or something. 

All I can think of while this dude got zapped by this green ring is the theme from Captain Planet.

Just keep bouncing. Please. Just keep bouncing.

 Blonde bimbos are great. But brunette's are better.

I don't think I've ever heard such a cheesy-ass soundtrack while people are having sex.

Wow-if these guys are the killers, they are dressed like the Maytag repair guy.

Can you store human blood in Snapple bottles? I guess you can.

  Everyone is an alien around this dump.

 Yeah. I really wanted to dig this one zits and zombies, but it just wasn't quite there. I will say this though-the final act when the two auto-mechanic jackasses steal Brian's car with Connie and Heather sleeping in the backseat does start to heat things up a bit with a dollop of tension and dread because as an audience member you know what's going to happen-you just don't know how. The two girls and Brian end up being tied up to the pillars in the back part of the shop and it's a pretty tense scene with Kurt trying to have his way with Connie and people get killed with power tools and other things. Evils Of The Night really is just an 80's curiosity at best, and hey... maybe you'll like it more than I did. The only way to find out is to watch it. I need some cough syrup. Laters.