Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Top five worst of the year + runners up (2017)

Man, this is totally gonzo. My third year of Cinema Slayer is over. I truly cannot believe that I have been watching and reviewing horror flicks for three years. It boggles the mind. What also boggles the mind is just how many fucking awful ones I ended up viewing this time around. And I don't think I'm out of the realm of reality when I say that my number one worst for this year undoubtedly is the equivalent to draining the barrel, letting it dry and scraping it raw with a wood plane so you can get even lower than the bottom of the barrel. That is no joke, zits and zombies. I will be appalled at whatever I find to be the number one worst for 2018 because the stench wafting off of my top pick for this year makes the rotted corpse in your basement that's been decaying for the last five years smell like a garden of lilacs and orchids. I promise.

May the gods of horror bless me this coming year.

So now it's time to welcome you back to the show that never ends and walk down these halls of depression and sorrow as we look back at the mind melting atrocities that I have informed you all to stay away from. Hopefully you listened. If you haven't or are still curious, please-I beg of you. Do not watch any of these horror films. They will really make you question whether if all of this time and energy is worth it. Quite frankly, I did the same thing when I was putting my list together. May the night sky and cold winds have mercy on all of our souls.

#5. Greetings

    
Even though Greetings sits at number five, I still have the same feelings of shame and wanting to cut out my own gallbladder while sucking out it's bile because that would wholly be more of an enjoyable experience than ever watching this ever again. Absolutely one of the most boring and uneventful "horror" flicks that I have ever sat through. Literally for the first 3/4 of this film is a bunch of British weirdos sitting in some woman's living room talking about God-knows-what, gallons and gallons of coffee and wine are drank, and then a table starts floating and a white light kills everyone. Worst fucking birthday party of all fucking time. Nurse, hand me my scalpel.

#4. Most Likely To Die


 I really don't know what sort of enjoyment I was expecting to cull from a modern slasher that features Perez Hilton as one of the main characters, but Most Likely To Die has what I think is one of the stupidest plots that I think I sat through all year. Instead of going to their actual high school reunion, these dumbass "friends" get together and have their own little high school reunion at their friends' house that ended up playing for the New York Rangers. The kills were extremely lame, the killer himself is just retarded and wears and graduation gown and cap with a mask made out of pages from their classes yearbook, and Perez Hilton's character does not get killed. Just as much of a waste of time as actually going to high school was. On to the next.


 #3. Spirit Camp

  
 I still firmly believe that Spirit Camp would have worked out better as a 20 minute short film instead of a full 90. There is a fine line between good transitional padding and just over filling a film with it to the point of everyone involved with the movie just not knowing what to do to make it a full length feature. It's not really necessary to have every single scene where Lindsay finds something in one of the girls' bunks to take a literal five minutes (per scene) to walk between cabins, yell for the gay guy that's bunking with her, drink and smoke all of the items she confiscated, and does it all over again probably four or five times. And Amber's 500lb boyfriend eats her out right before he gets stabbed. One time, at band camp... Jesus didn't apologize.

#2. Loony In The Woods

 
 Last year I had Dr. Hackenstein on this list stating that that movie was one of the worst from Troma, but I have to say-Loony In The Woods tops it in this regard on every fucking level. The characters all have the intelligence and personality of a smiley face drawn on a piece of cardboard with a Sharpie, a guy named Buttons has a robotic tracheotomy that allows him to just repeat the same damn words and phrases over and over and over again and the main killer is some anorexic fruit cake that looks like he's ready to rob a bank with a rubber chicken. I despise all 69 minutes of this piece of shit and there is no reason for anyone to ever watch this. Burn it-yes sir!

#1. Blown

   
Here it is zits and zombies-the moment you've all been waiting for. The top turd, the king crap, the runny chili-bean diarrhea from the horror genres asshole... Blown. That's right folks. The idea behind this film is that some losers blow up doll comes to life because she's jealous of the fact that he's trying to get a real girlfriend. I truly don't know what I could possibly say to illustrate to you how beneath the bottom of the barrel this movie sits at. There is no reason, no explanation for something like this to exist. When I ran across this on Youtube and downloaded it so I could watch it-I think a part of what's left of my heart died. I have nothing left because of this film. If you have watched all 55 minutes of this and are still alive to talk about it, I applaud you. For real. This is a special kind of special. I can't. I'm done. I wish you good luck if you attempt this. Make sure you drink a bottle of holy water before hand. You're going to need it.

Runners Up

#1. Kill Cruise

 
  Kill Cruise is just as confused about it's identity as I am as to if this is a coherent cult film. I stand by the scene towards the end where the dog shits on the edge of the boat as being a physical offering to the overall quality of said film, and I really feel sorry for Elizabeth Hurley stripping for random sailors, seaside strangers and old ladies. Everyone screaming "take it off!" at her was kind of jarring and strange even in the context of what was happening because the way it was put together was just awkward at best. I'm glad your career didn't tank because of this confusing mess, Liz. My condolences.

#2. The Windmill


I actually didn't even really hate The Windmill, I just thought it was kind of flat and generic in the end. There were just to many horror cliches' for my liking and I felt like they just drug the movie down in the dirt. I will say that the kills were pretty creative and gory, but beyond that I didn't really feel there was enough substance behind this one for it to really be anything more than just a purgatory movie at best. 

#3. Cooties


 Cooties isn't a complete piece of trash, but I think the main reason I just ended up not being on it's side to much was because I just felt like it was sort of a Dawn Of The Dead rip-off. An entire school full of kids get turned into zombies because a girl eats an extremely disgusting chicken nugget and ends up biting another kid and the infection spreads. That's it. That's the main basis. There is obviously more development towards the characters and what happens in the school, but it's so weak and paltry that by the time you get to the end you just can't care about it. School still sucked anyway. 


 #4. Clown


Most people don't like clowns, and the movie Clown doesn't really do them any favors. I was sorely disappointed with this one because Eli Roth was involved with it, but the main issue with this flick is that I never cared if the main guy ever was able to take the clown costume off. The entire movie, he couldn't. And I had no attachment to what was happening at all. I think really the only people that would enjoy Clown are either die hard Roth fans or are die hard fans of horror movies where the main focus is something to do with clowns. And I'm neither of those. So here it is. As a runner up. Never to laugh or cry ever again.   

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Three on a Meathook


The very first thing you will notice about Three on a Meathook is the amazing cover art. And yes, this is an early 70's grindhouse flick that I think has been kind of forgotten about to the waves of time. I have been wanting to check this film off of my review pile, and I recently found out it is on Amazon Instant at the moment, so I jumped on it. I was actually taken back by the fact that this was released before Tobe Hooper's essential classic Texas Chainsaw Massacre by 2 years, and there is plenty of gore, some rad deaths and even a decapitation scene. Even though about 75% of the rest of this schlock fest is just Billy and whatever women he interacts with talking, walking and being dramatic. His father is one helluva weirdo, and I kind of figured it out pretty quickly what his real character is all about, and that was a pretty big let down. I was really hoping for some sort of a solid twist involving Billy and his dad, but the atmosphere and tone during the murder scenes just make it to easy. Plus, there is actually a twist, but it's kind of flat and it just shows up to late for it to really have any impact on anything from earlier in the film. There was so much potential here to be a horror classic, but it just falls a little to short because of it's glaring flaws. And yes, there are three chicks on meat hooks.

Does the film have to open with some ogre looking bastard on top of a smoking hot blonde?

Man, I should have went to college.

I'm ok with driving the boat for five seconds and then going skinny dipping.

Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream-the lake is full of hot nude girls for everyone to see.

I love a girl who can eat.

You would think this old fart would be excited that four young free swingin' hotties are in his kitchen. Apparently not.

Wow-I don't know if I've ever seen someone go off the deep end so quickly.

Such solemn music for such grizzly discoveries of murder.

Billy didn't do it-you did motherfucker.

I don't know who this band is, but they suck. And they have way to much screen time. To much.  

That's another thing I need to mention about Three on a Meathook. The music. It's awful. Downright awful. There's a scene where Billy goes to a bar after "he murders all the girls in the house" to try to forget about it, and there's some band playing there. I swear they play about half a full set, and the camera switches between different angles of the band performing and Billy getting a drink from the waitress. It's monotonous, grating and unnecessary all at once and really ruined the pace of the first fifteen minutes or so of the film. I hated this long winded scene with a passion because I felt like I just watched a group of hot, young chicks getting brutally murdered in someone's house-piggy backed by one of the worst 70's bar bands I've ever heard. Zits and zombies, if you are a connoisseur of 70's grindhouse movies, you'll probably dig this just because the kills, gore and tone were ahead of it's time. Unfortunately, the rest of this offering is a damn mess for all the wrong reasons. Doesn't quite sit in horror purgatory, but isn't a classic either. Watch for the boobs. There's a good one right there.  

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Secret Santa


This is the time of year-like every year-where I try to track down some new and potential classic Christmas horror schlock. My top honors still reside with Christmas Evil, but one of my new entries into the ranks of ruining the holiday spirit comes by way of Secret Santa. I went in mostly blind (except for reading a few random reviews online) not knowing a damn thing about this film at all. Man, I love when this tactic works in my favor because I can just absorb the whole experience without being spoiled on anything. The greatest thing I can spill to you zits and zombies about Secret Santa is that it has a fantastic layer of 70's grindhouse that makes this a Christmas horror must-watch in my book. The pace, tone, gore, situations and characters are just exactly the way they should be for this type of offering, and I thoroughly enjoyed every moment in this flick. My favorite chick in here has to be Carissa just because she's a bad girl. I'm not explaining any further. But my favorite male character is Dwayne. He's so hyper and fidgety and can't sit still to save his life. He even has a chance to bang Carissa, and blows it because he can't get it up. Whiskey-dick loser. 

I am not ready for winter.

Every single holiday a drill in a box.

Cutie camgirl.

Alarm clocks are grating on the soul.

I was going to say don't fall for it, but it's to late.

Damn, Nicole sure is adventurous isn't she.

Santa's workshop is kind of dingy. I don't see any elves either.

No one gets paid enough to deliver pizzas.

Didn't Bryan just burn his hands on... oh nevermind.

Student-teacher relationships. Awkward.

Wrong time to fall down bro. Wrong time.

 I'm going to put myself out there and just state that Secret Santa is new essential Christmas horror viewing. A healthy layer of old school grindhouse mixed with some solid acting, slasher elements, good gore and an ending I really didn't expect at all paints itself up into holiday killings-killing it all the way. There are plenty of modern situations and humor as well to round out what this flick is trying to contain, and it pulls it off flawlessly. Sometimes indie horror just doesn't live up to what it's trying to hand out, but Secret Santa shouldn't stay a secret. It's a gem that needs to be watched, polished and loved by all fear fans. Make sure you wash those veggies after you get them from Nicole. She had them in her room with her. Yeah. That's a smoothie I don't know if I can drink.    

Monday, November 6, 2017

Body Melt


Ozploitation is a pool I've never really dipped my toes into, nor have I really had any interest in doing so. When it comes to films from other areas or countries, I mostly stick with Germany, Italy, Spain and other foreign places. Body Melt is completely a cult film straight from Australia, and as much as I've been hyping myself to watch this when I can (because all of the clips and trailers I've seen make it look so bad-ass) I think that I may have over done it this time. I was expecting a full-on body horror slime fest, and unfortunately that's not what this film provides. It provides a closer look into societies obsession with prescription drugs, vitamins and being perfectly healthy day in and day out. And while there is nothing wrong with the latter what-so-ever, there are natural ways of doing so. Basically, Body Melt is pretty much a physical embodiment of what constantly consuming those types of products can do to anyone's body at any given time, and reaching that plateau of perfection simply isn't possible. There are plenty of fantastic scenes of people spitting goo everywhere, vomiting, chugging dish soap and a pregnant woman that shoots her placenta at her husbands face. Yeah. That happens. While the special effects are amazing and the plot is actually somewhat original, the cultural barrier I think turned me off. Some of the dialogue is lost in the actors' accents and I just couldn't keep up with some of what was happening. Bummer.

These are the types of products I stay away from.

Aussie nudity and drug abuse.

Damn, I love vintage computers.

Perfect foreshadow of how this dude is going to melt.

"Let me tell you a great joke. Elton John."

   Dirty mouth? Clean it up by downing a bottle of dish soap!

Punks, porn freaks, weird old ladies. Now I remember why I won't go to the airport.

This place looks like shit? So do you.

The point of killing the kangaroo and eating it's adrenal gland was....

Incest????

That was one helluva c-section.

Gooey Louie is a great game.

After all of the personal build up that I had toward wanting to watch this film, it really was a let down. Body Melt really is a great cult body-horror flick and is extremely bizarre in all of the right spots, but I just can't like it. It's mostly because I'm not Australian so I can't really grasp some of either what the characters are saying or just really understanding some of their actions. The worst part of this is when the two main guys run into the cannibal family and the film just feels like it goes off the deep end very quickly. I was actually wondering if I was even going to be able to finish watching what was taking place before me. I almost couldn't handle it. The people in the family look like over exaggerated cartoon characters in live action form. It was very disturbing and distracting. Maybe you zits and zombies would enjoy Body Melt for it's message, but it just had to many strange flaws that I just wasn't able to overlook. Now where is that damn kangaroo, I need a snack.      

Thursday, November 2, 2017

The Babysitter (Netflix Original)


As blind and random as it gets, that's pretty much how I ended up watching and taking notes for the Netflix Original horror flick The Babysitter. The trailer looked cool and the blonde that plays the babysitter is insanely hot, so of course I really had no choice but jot some shit down for this piece. Knowing next to nothing and having no expectations for something like this is absolutely the best way to plow through a great indie horror film because you get surprised and blown away at every little detail that the director wanted the audience to react to. My highest grade and remark that I can make about the quality of The Babysitter is that this is seriously like the horror version of Home Alone. Our main kid Cole is basically left home alone with his babysitter Bee while his parents go on a trip for the weekend, and he ends up witnessing Bee and her "friends" partaking in some weird and brutal shit. That's all I'm going to say because I can't ruin any of this for you zits and zombies-when there is a window of opportunity, please watch this. Gold standard. Blood of a virgin.

  Fuck the flu shot. You don't need it.

Perfect example of the internet ruining education.

Wow. Douche-bag dad alert.

Damn-his babysitter is scorching hot and a total badass! Boooooonnnnnnnneeeeeeerrrrrr!!

Yeah. The wrong word he said there was retard.

Mad Men is great. Christina Hendricks is gorgeous.

Being normal is boring.

When truth or dare goes right.

That's one helluva big cookie.

What is this, Twilight? Put a fucking shirt on dude.

 The fat dragon is either going to be amazing or a bust.

Well, it was amazing. Sweet blaze of glory, Sonya.

There's no fibbing here-The Babysitter really is an indie fear film that needs to be seen by all. If you have Netflix, now is the time. The scene where Cole blows up Sonya with the Fat Dragon firework in the crawlspace is probably my favorite scene in the whole damn thing-besides Bee making out with that hot-ass cheerleader. I mean. Yeah. I am a man. Anyways, if a distributor picks this up to print it on DVD and Blu-Ray, a copy will be on my shelf. I know it's already after Halloween, but there are always new movies to be discovered and The Babysitter would have surely made it onto my top ten indie horror film list for this past Halloween had I seen it prior. Keep using your money wisely like this Netflix-the indie horror scene needs you.   

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Patchwork


Patchwork is on Netflix as of right now, and I expected nothing from it. At all. When the film opened up, I really thought it was going to be some kind of Re-Animator rip-off type of deal (what with one of the scientists using a syringe full of some green-glowing substance that is supposed to bring people back from the dead) but I couldn't have been more off center. I enjoyed Patchwork way more than what the first few scenes led me to believe was going to take place in this horror offering. This basically ended up being sort of a modern take on the Frankenstein story, with more of a inner-monologue/thriller twist making this much more unique of a watch than it should have been. This monster that the story revolves around is three different women sewn and patched up together physically to make one being, and I found that the scenes with the three personas talking and interacting with each other internally to be un-expected and very entertaining. They helped to move the film along perfectly with a pace that isn't bogged down with some dumb back story for each. There is also and ending that kind of took me by surprise as well, and that just compiled onto what I already was sucked into character wise. This is the basis of a revenge tale with a lot of tweaks and segues which just made me a happy horror fan seeing a crew take an older idea and spinning it into something different and somewhat original. 

There's a problem when you're having a convo with a severed head in a pan.

Neon green re-animation serum? I know where this is headed.

Take the ear piece out. Give the girl some love.

I don't think I could live alone. Sorry.

So... these three chicks are stapled together into one person?

I swear to God-morticians and scientists are always eating sandwiches and donuts. Always.

  This internal dialogue between the three girls is actually pretty cool.

Ellie, you're trying way to hard.

Get hit by a van all of a sudden.

I want to punch this ear piece wearing douche-bag.

Alright-well the Frankenchick did it for me.

Zits and zombies, give Patchwork a go. It's definitely one of the better indie horror flicks I've seen this year, and it really took me by surprise. The characters were evenly developed, it didn't go into rip-off territory like I thought it would when it started, the pace is fantastic and I really enjoyed the scenes with the three women talking among themselves to try and figure out what is going on and why they are stapled together. The comedy in here works to great effect as well, and everything in this film just has a good balance to it where the viewer is never distracted from what is actually happening and you can laser-focus on the story and really embed yourself in it. I-I-I believe you have my stabler. Stabler. Stapler.   

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Horror House on Highway 5


In my constant quest to review and collect as much horror as I can for the past 7-8 years or so, I have always ran across some oddities and obscurities that make me question if being a horror collector is worth it. Some films are classics and they just have to be on your shelf whether you're into this sort of thing or not, and others just make you feel like you need to take a step outside for some fresh air. That's pretty much my experience with Horror House on Highway 5. This film doesn't give you any breathing room once it starts, nor does it really want to. It wants the viewer to be suffocated with it's bland and empty characters, dull kills, lack of comprehensible plot (it's mostly some jackass in a Richard Nixon Halloween mask offing people) next to the main people farting around alongside two guys that I assumed were mentally unstable because of just how un-intelligent they are. I really wanted this to be a hidden gem for me, but once the final act just abruptly stopped after the poorest tension build up I think I've ever wasted an hours worth of winks on, raising my arms in disbelief saying "what the hell was that" to myself at 3 a.m. in my recliner just shows this horror veteran that this film wasn't for me. If there is some sort of plot, I didn't really pick up on it nor did I care because there are so many flaws with this picture that I don't even know where to begin-and they're not flaws that make this entertaining. These are crippling flaws that re-instate my questioning of being a part of this hobby.

Put them down. Tarot cards are not for you.

"I am not a crook!"

Ugh... this chick has a total man-face.

Was Nixon really that angry?

  That's one big ass piece of glass.

Dude, you're teaching-turn the lights on in your classroom bro! No one can see the chalkboard!

Who keeps chloroform and a burlap sack in their kitchen?! Nevermind...

These guys have been hanging out with Cosby lately haven't they.

 I don't think a black magic/satanic ritual is actually going to work with a clothing iron as the brand and these goofballs wearing black bed sheets as capes.

Man, this Louise chick has no emotional reaction to anything.

It's, it's-nothing! There's dramatic music but the screen is so fucking dark that I can't see what I'm supposed to be afraid of! Nothing!

  I will come to a close by stating this about Horror House on Highway 5-pretty much every scene contained herein feels like a steamroller on the verge of running out of fuel. They are so damn slow moving that I felt like I had to drink some coffee to speed up the experience of watching it. Sluggish is more like the perfect term for the way that these events take place as everything and anything that happens in this film just takes way to long to get to where it wants to go, and it drags the viewer through the tar along with it. The camera hangs in spots it shouldn't for long periods of time, and the people "acting" in this don't help as most of their execution of dialogue is extremely awkward as well as most of everything else that makes up this 90 minute sludge-hole that should just be avoided. Richard Nixon may have not been a crook-but he sure as hell stole 90 minutes of my time that I'll never get back.