Friday, August 17, 2018

Rest Stop

The early 2000's was riddled with plenty of torture porn flicks and modern horror jump-scare offerings. Really, the only pieces that resonated with me personally from those specific lines has been the Saw franchise and maybe the first two Hostel films. After all of these years following Raw Feed putting out the first Rest Stop movie, I thought it was just another generic installment in said sub-genre of terror cinema. It really isn't. I don't really know what this is. There are some scenes and plot holes in Rest Stop that I just don't think I understand. Either I missed something or there is a better cut of this film floating around out there somewhere, but there a few very big, main scenes that take place during the course of this picture that kind of take you out of the suspense and tension-back to reality. For no good reason. A huge chunk of time is spent with Deacon (the cop played by Joey Lawrence) and he basically ends up dying towards the end. But... the film plays it off as if he was a ghost? A memory? A flashback? I still have no damn clue. There a couple of characters that happens to earlier and it's played off as if Nicole is living through a memory or an apparition or something and it really doesn't make much sense because there is no pay-off and these scenes never add or explain anything to add to the actual plot or who this guy is in the yellow truck trying to kill Nicole. 

Honey, do something with that hair. It's a mess.

Maybe you're in a Target. You know-where both genders can go in both bathrooms.

Another horror flick where one of the main characters is a writer. I swear.

Road side love.  

This little adventure of yours doesn't seem like it's as fun as you thought it would be.

I don't think anything in your surrounding area is "normal".

Yeah. You know who that guy is.

I'm pretty sure that that guy on the radio isn't who he said he is or is going to do the right thing.

Shit was to predictable.

Oh boy. There are some serious Sawyer Family vibes in this R.V.

Shut up about the damn bible you Elvis Costello/Gene Hackman mix-up motherfucker.

  In the end zits and zombies, Rest Stop started out being something that seemed like it was going to be a solid new slice of fear for us to enjoy when it was first released (and there are sequels) but there are just to many flaws with this initial entry for me to want to go on to watch part two. There is no explanation as to why the characters she interacts with while the guy in the yellow truck is stalking her end up dying and then just vanish like they where ghosts or something and I actually kind of wish there was more of that really fucking weird family in the R.V. When Nicole is with them and she ends up discovering the little mongoloid child-person in the back messing around with a camera...that actually kind of took me off guard a little bit because I was expecting it to be the guy from the truck taking pictures of the people he was killing while he was killing them. Also, the school bus where he did those horrible things really wasn't in the film at all. Barely. So, so disappointing. There are much better movies to get into that are cut from a cleaner section of the same cloth. Remember the dryer sheets. Static is a bitch.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

The Last Horror Movie

Right out of the gate, my expectations and sights were automatically set extremely low when I sat down to watch The Last Horror Movie earlier this afternoon. That's due mainly to the fact that the DVD of this that I own has the words and logo of Fangoria-Gorezone Video scrawled across the top of the cover, which just makes my stomach sink to an in-explicable level of nausea and vomit. The other film that has that same inscription plastered at the top for everyone to see is the abhorrently horrendous Skinned Deep-which I have wanted to re-watch for a great while now to write a review on here for. I've avoided it on purpose. There's nothing in this world that can make me grasp why or how that piece of ass cake even made it past the "hey guys, I have an idea for a movie" stage. Earlier this year I watched and reviewed an eternal piece of shit by the name of Eyes Front-worst serial killer film I think to ever be committed to celluloid (or digital camera. Whatever). The Last Horror Movie, however, ended up being a more than solid effort at presenting itself as a really long, well edited  serial killer/snuff film. Basically. This dude Max is a photographer/videographer for hire. He does weddings. He even states himself at some point in the movie that it's not a bad life getting food and drink for free-and there's always plenty of women to try to get with. I think the way Max carries himself while he's around other people (not killing randomly because he's bonkers) as being a charismatic and charming bastard really takes this piece to a whole other level and absolutely makes him believable as the killer he really is. 

To many pretty lights.

Watching scary movies by yourself is always fun, though.

Is that a mask from Halloween III?

  So, this jackass makes snuff films? 

Gravity kills.

I'm pretty sure that beating a black guy with a hammer is racist. I'm not 100% though.

Hahaha, what a kooky, charismatic son of a bitch.

That's me. The kid standing on the wall by himself not wanting to interact with anyone.

Gameboy Advance? Hell yeah!

The best part of a wedding is always the reception.

You're not being profound. You're just killing people and filming it.

As humans, we are always attracted to the things we are not supposed to be.

Holy shit-I thought she was dead.

I've noticed zits and zombies that The Last Horror Movie seems to be pretty polarizing. There are plenty of people that think that this is a 10/10 film about a serial killer doing what he does and putting everything on film for his potential fans and victims to see. And there are those that subscribe to the camp of this offering being dead boring and not worth anyone's time. I thought this was a very solid and well put together affair that plunges the audience headlong into a character study about a man that loves capturing and killing random people for the sake of art, morality and his psychosis just falling apart before our very eyes. If you dig psychology, serial killer documentaries and/or studies, or just looking for something slightly different than what anyone else is probably watching at this moment, The Last Horror Movie will sit in your lap perfectly without asking for a bigger tip or for you to purchase another drink. I'm so fucking tired. Off to bed I go.     

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Hellraiser: Judgment

If you're die hard for Pinhead as well as the rest of his Cenobite cronies, you have more than likely been keeping up with the shenanigans that Dimension keeps pulling just to hold onto the namesake of Clive Barker's creation. The original Hellraiser is a masterpiece of 80's horror born of the flesh that came to life in the novel The Hellbound Heart, which too was also cocooned and let to fly from the dark and twisted imagination of Clive Barker. The two sequels after the first panned out more about Pinhead, his Cenobites and Kirsty Cotton to complete any and all dark desires that fans wanted to know about hell and the delights it could serve. After eight films with Doug Bradley as the icon of pain and pleasure, something happened. Hellraiser Revelations was released and it fucking blew ass. Doug didn't come back and the overall production was a damn mess, but fans unfortunately ate it up and some money was made to keep the rights to the franchise. Now we have Hellraiser Judgment and it couldn't be anymore far removed from the series if it wanted to be. I've never really been into gross-out horror, and this entry has it in droves. The cinematography is actually pretty decent to say the least, and all of the fucked up browns, yellows and vomited shades of, well... browns are captured perfectly for what they were trying to go for. Even thought I don't know what the hell that was supposed to be. The simplest way I can say what this new entry into the Hellraiser series is is this-take Saw, Se7en and Hostel, butter the bottom of your cookie sheet generously, set your oven for 450 degrees and let bake for twenty minutes. Also, bake yourself while your at it. It makes it easier to forget.

The puzzle box is obsolete? I disagree.

Sin will never dissipate.

 That must have been one hell of a resume' if the Auditor invited this guy just to "talk".

"Jesus Christ!" "Heavens no... same city-different zip code."

Well, these women would be hot if their faces weren't melted off.

Hey, you must be the butcher from the original Diablo game!

  One sided conversations are always compelling.

Detective Egerton has a great ass. Come at me, Pinhead.

    Didn't we already see this shot were Pinhead rests his head on the back of his chair? Damn these editors were lazy.

Heather Langenkamp? I think you're in the wrong sequel for the wrong franchise.

 If you were "cleansed" at the house of judgement, I guess there's no need for a shower.

  I have to give credit where credit is due zits and zombies, and Hellraiser Judgment was at least better than Hellraiser Revelations. This flick at least had some decent gore, some nice boobs to look at, Detective Egerton had a great ass and Paul T. Taylor was at least better than that loser before him as Pinhead. Beyond those small things though, this film features a fat sweaty guy (with his moobs hanging out) that eats the papers with the person's entire list of sins they've committed over the years that he pours the tears of children on-and then barfs them into a funnel that goes behind the wall where topless melted faced ladies stick their hands in the vomit and say whether they need to be "cleansed" or "killed". Man that was a lot to spit out. I truthfully never want to watch this sequel again, and if I want to watch a much better version of anything that happens in this film, I'll just watch Se7en of the first Saw movie. I'm parched. Gimme some water.   

Monday, July 30, 2018

Suffer Little Children

Finding this at my local library last week was very surprising. I'm seriously the only one that has probably rented it since they acquired it, and someone else might end up taking it out for a week out of sheer curiosity. If that said person has no experience with SOV horror at all or even knows what that is-may the Universe have mercy on their soul. I have plenty of these types of grimy, beat-up, low budget, 80's offerings in my personal collection and I even had trouble watching it. And Suffer Little Children really wasn't even that bad of an entry in the SOV sub-genre, it's just that the print that Intervision had to work with to press this on dvd was just barely passable in the production department. Especially the audio. Man the audio is so worn and muffled for most of the film that all it is is loud crackly music over people's moving mouths and occasionally some words would fall out. Thankfully, they included English subs and if you track this down to check it out you need to put them on so you can understand anything that is happening on screen. Suffer Little Children as an SOV film however is better than I expected it to be-if somewhat awkward. There is plenty of horrific gore and Jesus fighting against Elizabeth in a weird black strobe light induced showdown that kind of gave me a headache. I enjoyed this piece for what it is, and I don't really understand why this was on the "Video Nasties" list in the 80's, but I guess it was probably because it features violence against children and Satan basically posing as a young girl that wants to kill everyone in the orphanage while some of the deaths being played out as fairly grisly.

 Cute, European blonde? Sign me up!

What's up with this guy being a Stephen King knock off?

No one wears a shitty gray tie with a Cosby sweater. No one.

 So the girl that can speak telepathically slams the door in some other girls' face, she screams, falls on the floor and then it's Monday all of a sudden. That's one helluva transition.

I don't know who these two pop-star douche-bags are. I just hope they get killed.

Elizabeth is the SOV version of Angela from Sleepaway Camp.

Cloudbusters looks like a killer good time. Especially with all of the shitty strobe lights and the vomit inducing Casio keyboard music.

Jesus, for a famous pop-star, this guy fucking sucks at dancing.

Surely a gem that must be dug up by more of us, Suffer Little Children actually whet my palette for a little period of time as I haven't watched anything remotely close to the SOV underground in quite awhile. This dvd always pops up in my suggested purchases on Amazon, and I'm very glad that Intervision is picking up these odd-ball, forgotten horror pictures that seem to always have a few layers of dust and broken insect limbs gracing the lid of the film canisters. It's so perfect that I could cry if I had any tears left. Add this one to your shelf if you like these strange corpses being exhumed because remember zits and zombies...Jesus fought Satan with a lot of black strobe lights running. And with a huge beard while donning a loin cloth.         

Jigsaw (blu-ray)

Being a Saw fan can be tough. The original is legendary, the sequel is a pretty solid follow up and the third I've always felt fleshed out more about what we needed to know about John Kramer and what his big scheme about becoming Jigsaw was really all about. The rest of the entries in this franchise were really not to bad either, they just lost touch with what really made the first few really great horror/torture flicks. The story. After the fourth push into the not-so-happy world of traps, gore and people deciding if they still valued their lives or not-the franchise took a nose-dive straight into "all traps, no plot" territory which started to make it all feel so pointless and empty. The eighth entry into this masquerade so boringly titled Jigsaw sees itself really just being another add-on to an already tired series that makes me sad to say...but just needs to end already. This film doesn't really bring anything new to the limb table that hasn't already been severed, and packs none of the grit, tension or ugly feelings that form in the bottom of your stomach like they did while watching the earlier Saw films. The traps felt so uneventful and watered down and I truly didn't give any shit at all if any of the characters in this particular set of games even won or not. It just felt lazy. And the Billy Doll this time around actually made me laugh instead of invoking fear. Yeah. It looked fucking cartoony. He looked like he could have hung around Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck before going on set with his red tricycle. Even he was phoning it in this time.

Run Forest, run!

This is a dumb joke, but I think Buckethead set this trap up.

Jigsaw always wants to play a game.

   An off-screen kill in a Saw film? That's disappointing.

   Man-that Billy Doll has no grit or tension behind it at all.

"Who's doing this to us?" Where have you been, woman??

Careful and precise like the game of Operation.

The website for Jigsaw is on the dark web and Eleanor didn't use a Tor browser to visit it. Ugh, God.

I don't think you want to see Eleanor's studio.

What a surprise-it wasn't John Kramer's body in the casket.

Oooooh shit! What a reveal!

There are some parts of Jigsaw that are solid. The traps are pretty decent, especially at the beginning where the main people in the game are chained up with a metal "bucket" on their heads and get pulled towards the other side of the wall where saw blades are running. Wasn't scary or frightening at all, I just thought it was cool. There are some nice twists as well that I was kind of expecting, and they actually levitated this picture a little bit beyond what the final feeling of this film ends up at. In all seriousness, Jigsaw really didn't need to be made. Hell, even past the third picture in the Saw franchise didn't even need to be made. Zits and zombies, this truly is just a serviceable piece that really doesn't do to much to flesh this series out more. This is for keeps for die-hards only. Now I want to play a game. 

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Camp Killer

I truly can't tell if this is some kind of joke or not, but Camp Killer won three different awards and was nominated for another three at an indie film festival back in 2016. Other reviewers, critics and horror fanatics seem to lean towards liking this film, but when I sat through this last night on Amazon Prime the first thing I thought after the initial twenty minutes was "is this piece of shit over yet?" The opening sequence felt like the entire film was packed right in before the beginning credits were even presented-and that already shows that Camp Killer has horrible pacing issues. I know that this flick has plenty of random references and homages to other classic terror pictures sprinkled through out, but it just wasn't enough to keep me interested let alone to stay awake. Yes, I did fall asleep somewhere around the middle mark but I did go back and check what I missed and it really wasn't anything worth losing some much needed rest over. I will say this-the gore and the kills were pretty great and very well put together. The killer himself (David Lightfoot? Really??) seemed just bland and didn't do anything more than what every other horror icon has ever done before in the past. He had some creative one-liners and was aggressive, but again it didn't add to much to me really caring about what Camp Killer ultimately offered. 

Hey Norman, you're fat. Shut up.

The girls are the only ones roasting wieners over the fire.

Can you really get that baked from vaping?
There's nothing wrong with being a Fangoria addict.

   "Special kids?" You're fucking special because you have a Ghostbusters tattoo.

  Oh boy-A Texas Chainsaw Massacre reference.

 Norman's dead too-thank God.

I'm pretty sure that was more than six shots-but who's really counting?

 This is simply just one of those times where I don't understand why everyone seems to like a film and I don't. There are some good things going for Camp Killer-the plot is decent, the gore and kills were pretty cool and David Lightfoot was kind of a complex killer-I guess I just thought that everything in this movie was executed poorly. There are some pacing issues and the camera work in some scenes felt kind of sloppy. Personally zits and zombies, this is just a purgatory film. I didn't completely hate it, but I also just felt that one viewing was more than enough and I'll probably never revisit it. David Lightfoot, Gordon Lightfoot, Bumblefoot-hell I don't even like feet. Ugliest human appendage out there. Put some socks on.

Friday, July 20, 2018

Saturday The 14th

I might be in the minority when I say this, but I think that Saturday The 14th was slapped together a little prematurely. It was put out in 1981 which was not to long after the original Halloween had taken off as one of the biggest grossing indie flicks of all time, and had even less time before it after Jason Voorhees' mother was killing camp counselors in Camp Crystal Lake because her son had been tortured by similar authoritarian figures that made her snap in the first place. I know that this film and other parody/spoof films like it are supposed to take a genre or particular set of tropes and cliche's and set them on fire by making everything a complete joke-but this offering just really fell flat for me. Through and through. Saturday The 14th banks on the idea that it's a horror spoof. The jokes are fucking lame, Dracula is complete weak sauce and Van Helsing is one helluva massive let down. Even though this was released in 1981, it could have been released in 1991 or even 2001 and it still would have been a damn snooze-fest. I'll be honest zits and zombies, I really wasn't expecting a whole hell of a lot from this flick, and I really didn't get a lot out of it. Like I mentioned before, the jokes are lame and really stupid and I actually don't think I laughed at anything one single time. 

Man-I think some pre-school students animated this intro.

Drac is buying a fixer-upper. That's classic.

  What an inheritance... 3,000 over-due library books and the lawyer giving the whole family the "raspberries".

You don't want to go to boarding school.

Of all the places that Uncle Henry could have left a note before he passed away... he left one in the fridge.

Pick up the lamp you fool!

"Damn owls". Are you sure it was an owl? Your son hit a monster out the window with a book!

I would probably shit in the tub if a random scaly fish-guy just popped up in the tub with me.

Owls? What the hell-those are bats not owls!

I think your butcher is Jeffrey Dahmer.

Van Helsing is supposed to be a badass werewolf/vampire hunter. Not some pasty, nerdy English teacher looking weirdo.

    Besides what I've already griped about in the first paragraph of this review, one of the main things that really bothered the shit out of me was the special effects. Especially the bats and when Dracula turns into a bat to fly somewhere so he doesn't have to walk. Dear sweet God, the fucking bats. They really look like those shitty, cheap rubber bats you can get at the Dollar Tree around Halloween time and the strings they are on are clear as day. I know it was probably done like that on purpose for the comedic effect, but I really didn't care for it. There's also these random goblin things that show up in the house and just start eating everything and destroying everything and I just didn't get what was happening with that. Zits and zombies, if you really want a spoof of any kind, Saturday The 14th is something to just steer clear of. You'd probably be better off trying to track down a copy of Sunday The 15th to watch. Let me know if you do because I can't find it anywhere.