Thursday, March 23, 2017

Alienator


Even action/sci-fi has it's own layer of b, c and z films that some people had the joyful experience of renting or buying back in the rental store days of yore. You know that this isn't going to be a fully budgeted alien flick, and yet you want to get your un-washed hands on it to see what the hell that large woman-terminator thing on the cover has to do with anything anyway. Curiosity gets the best of us sometimes, and giving in is always a great choice. You never know what's going to be burned on that disc or tape. And what you get with Alienator is sort of a cat-and-mouse type of flick where a convict from another planet gets loose from prison, escapes in a ship and crash-lands here on beautiful blue earth. A group of the most cliched teens ever finds him in their cabin and they try to figure out who he is and where he came from. Of course there's a couple of bumbling brothers that are always hunting random animals all the time. Then the female recon unit shows up to bring the convict back (or kill him) and all hell breaks loose. It even says it on the cover of the VHS. The gunfights, lasers, explosions and everything else in that vein makes up for a decently paced setup because in a film like Alienator, that's really all were looking for. Shit to go 
"boom".

Of course, Fred Olen Ray had something to do with this.

Yeah, kick him in the nuts!

I was distracted too.... breasts....

It's death row. Those scumbags get what they deserve.

Lamest laser pistols ever.

Intergalactic slugs in the face!

Every alien escaping their problems comes to earth. Sound familiar?

No amount of make-up is going to fix your goblin of a girlfriend.

  A stiff drink is always the answer.

Well doc, now you need a doc. Better call that burn unit. Human toast needs butter or else it will dry out.

"So, Kol-do you know E.T.?"

Alienator is fun in that popcorn, t.v. party sort of way where whenever you watch it you just can't help yourself but have a blast. Everyone in the room understands that the movie is bad, but you watch it anyway to poke fun at it, and that's the beautiful angle that Alienator sits at. Weird costumes, flying green lasers, terrible dialogue, dumb characters, a female body builder that plays an alien that could pass as some WWE reject. This encompasses everything you could possibly desire in a film that goes great with pizza and beer. The easiest way to find this in physical form is to just buy the four pack from shout factory!. And there is a blu-ray coming out soon as well if you dig this that much, but that just means you need to spend more money on pizza and beer, and there's really no need for that.        

Monday, March 20, 2017

Octopus 2: River of Fear


The absolute best way I can describe this film (while staying positive) is to just be honest to you, zits and zombies. Octopus 2: River of Fear is a car battery made from hard cheddar that I suggest latching your jumper cables onto. When I picked this up at Goodwill last week for a measly $2, I had nothing but the lowest of expectations. I mean, look at the cover. Just look at it. It screams- "my budget was just under $1,000 and all I have to show for it is some meh looking blonde getting strangled underwater by a very cheaply rendered octopus from 1993." And that's actually what you get with Octopus 2: River of Fear. The practical effects that were used in this flick were downright killer as far as I'm concerned, but the CGI, well... yeah. 1993. This is also another indie put out by Lionsgate, and so far with all of the ones that I own from them and have consumed, they really haven't led me astray. This, however, is kind of middle-line. I still actually enjoyed it, but everything about it felt very rushed and very lame. I don't know what it is exactly, but I'm honestly not even 100% sure that I even want to track down the original because this film felt like it could just stand on it's own without the support of a first entry. Even with it being a one-time view show.

    You're drunk. You jump into a row boat. This movie is called Octopus 2. What did you think was going to happen? 

"Hey Nick, what's the best part about being on the scuba team? You can piss yourself and no one will ever know."

How do they have their air tanks on when they jumped in without them?

Psst. The murderer is an octopus. Just a tip.

Homeless people living in the sewers. There's always homeless people living in the sewers.

Working on a barge has to be boring as hell. Until it's attacked by a giant, CGI octopus.

Man. Rachael is a horrible chaperone.

I had a dream that the Statue of Liberty was being destroyed too. Except it wasn't by an octopus. It was by all of the asshole, crybaby Hillary supporters that didn't get their way when Trump won. What a goddamn tragedy. 

Normally I would apologize for splicing a little bit of my personal views on here pertaining to religion or politics or what have you, but I'm not going to this time. When that scene came on towards the end when the octopus (a horribly rendered one) came up out of the water and started tearing up the Statue of Liberty, what I wrote down was the first thing that popped into my head. If you don't like it, it's a free country. We all have our own opinions and beliefs. It's also my personal view that Octopus 2: River of Fear was no where near as terrible as I thought it was going to be. Yes, the acting and dialogue are over dramatized like a boiling pot of fondue that's bubbling over the threshold. Yes, the budget was clearly lower than what people that make minimum wage get per year. So what. Sometimes watching a pocket funded monster flick is all you need to feel good about the rest of your day. Just like instead of eating your veggies, you opt to eat cookies instead. It's bad for you, but it tastes good and you could careless by the time you've had enough. I hope you brought the cocktail sauce. Deep fried calamari is on it's way.    

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Dead on Appraisal


Going through the motions of buying a house for you and your family fucking sucks. There's real estate agents and figuring out how much you can pay every month, when your going to pay every month, property taxes, loans, FHA's... all types of bullshit. Add on top the fact that people died in your new home, and you're in for one helluva party at your place. I've never sold or tried to sell a house or property, but I'm sure it's not as much fun as some might think. Take for instance the house that John Dante has to try to sell in this thing. It's been overcome by Starship Trooper quality insects, a metal band by the name of "Freddie and the Goblins" (whom of which if they actually existed and recorded albums would occupy space on my IPod) whose lead vocalist loses his shit and basically destroys everything and a solider named Robbie that comes back from Iraq to live with his dad with something worse than PTSD just isn't what you would call an exemplary track record for a home to be sold to a budding new family. John just comes to the conclusion that the house is cursed and starts doubting his abilities. What a tragic motherfucker.

Yard work is a drag.

Sometimes I miss my party days.

Entomology. No thanks.

Kill it before it lays eggs!

Fuck breakfast. Give me some of that liquor.

This exact situation is why every home in America should have at least one gun.

At least John Belushi's annoying brother is dead now.

 Give that man a benadryl.

This movie would have been so much better if Henry Rollins was planning things out.

    Be careful, pretty lady. Wouldn't want that desert eagle to break your wrist.

Don't be a pussy. Go in the house.

Finest metal band of our time. Freddie and the Goblins.

This may or may not be the first time zits and zombies that I'm going to sit here and say that I don't really know how to feel about Dead On Appraisal. It's an anthology (a unique one at that) it's well written and directed. The acting is borderline mediocre and the stories that make it up are middle of the line at best. Really, the two best things are "Freddie and the Goblins" and the really detailed and involved practical effects that were used are some of the best I've seen in quite some time. But a good film that does not make. At the end of the day, John is a horrible real estate agent that should be able to sell anything to anyone, but he can't sell this house because of the things that happened in it before it landed in his lap. No commission off of this bad boy. Here's an idea-get "Freddie and the Goblins" to play a garage show, and hand out pitchers of beer. Someone will bite eventually. Hell, I'll come just to get Freddie's autograph. If he doesn't kill my ass first. This needs a second viewing. When I'm ready to move out of my house.    

Thursday, March 16, 2017

The Black Waters of Echoes Pond (blu-ray)


When popularity strikes, I never pay attention or care. It's just something that never peaks my interest, as with being an underground horror fan, I can't care about something being mainstream or loved by the masses. It's not in my nature. As is the case with Black Waters of Echoes Pond, this film was pretty much forgotten by everyone when it made it all the way to theaters. Including the drooges that occupy space in our beloved horror community. When Nicole and I were living in Champaign, there was a random afternoon when I was at work, sitting at my computer looking up movies in the theaters for us to go see that weekend. One of them was this. I had no idea what it was, but it sounded cool. I texted her and asked if she wanted to see it. She agreed. We went to the theater, and much to our joy and advantage, we were the only ones in the theater watching this. We had our feet up on the seats in front of us, talking regular volume and just having a fantastic time. We had such a great experience that we waited for it to be released on dvd and blu-ray. And waited. And waited. It seemed like it would never make it to store shelves when one day there were copies of it at Best Buy, and I bought the blu of it. Who knew an evil version of Jumanji would make for a nostalgic horror flick.

Of all the things to find mining in 1927, in Turkey, is a board game. A cursed board game.

This could easily be a scene from a Bioshock movie, if such a thing ever existed. Andrew Ryan.

I had a feeling that Heath Ledger had a younger gay brother.

    This "friend-pizza" has the thickest layer of salt that I've ever tasted.

Cool story, bro.

At least he didn't fall up the stairs.

Is that a world map of Tamriel?

You look a little hungry. Have a bite of this peanut butter and jealous sandwich.

B-movies are awesome. Shakespeare isn't.

  Yes, Satan?

Greed begets greed. And getting chunked with a chainsaw.

 When this charade finally puts itself to bed, I actually enjoy Black Waters of Echoes Pond for what it is at face value. It's literally if the board game of Jumanji worshiped Satan. And the situation of all of the main characters huddled together in this random cabin on an isolated island sort of reminds me of Evil Dead. Everyone ends up wanting to waste one another for some secret they have against their best-est of friends, and the game brings it out in everyone. There are some pretty brutal deaths contained herein, and even limbs and fingers get severed here and there to round the visceral violence out to boast this thing up to a respectable level of competence. Zits and zombies, if your mother wants to watch Jumanji, but you would rather be holding a seance' or praying to the Gods of death and violence-come to a happy medium and put on Black Waters of Echoes Pond. You'll both be satisfied. Remember that box of Cheez-its. It's all about those snacks.  

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

The Stuff


Quite possibly, the most intelligent thing about The Stuff is the fact that it holds nothing back when breaking down the very fabric of marketing here in America. Every subtlety and nuance that is stuffed into The Stuff makes you really start to wonder about these huge corporations that play us into thinking that "we have to have" the newest and the best of everything. My favorite example of this is the cell phone. Or smart phone. Or whatever. Every time a new IPhone comes out, everyone always has to fucking buy it. Why??? You just bought a new phone last year. Make the damn thing stick around for awhile. I've had a Samsung Galaxy S-III for roughly four years now and it still works perfectly fine. I see no reason to buy a new phone because mine still works. I understand to make money, you need to sell. But sweet Jesus. Whatever The Stuff is supposed to be, it ends up being the greatest dessert ever marketed to the general public, and it's played out almost as if it's some sort of drug epidemic or something. Everyone is clamoring for it, and it consumes their lives. This happens to everyone at some point with something that you just can't help but get attached to for certain reasons, and this delicious ice cream type treat is it. Killa' vanilla.

      Logic always dictates that tasting a random, creamy white substance bubbling out of the ground is a sensible idea.

Your ice cream is alive, pal.

Hypnotic, subliminal marketing.

Moe Rutherford bugged your ass!

Don't complain. Soggy cereal is fucking awesome.

Tasty ladies for tasty stuff.

Moe is the prefect asshole. I want to be just like him when I grow up.

Big Ben is ready for dinner. Some meat that's FDA approved.

  Chocolate Chip Charlie has a big, beautiful, black ass. I was not aware of that.

Falcon punch!!

As idiotic and cheesy as the commercials are for The Stuff, they aren't to far out of place for the 80's.

Zaxxon!! 

Absolutely, the best character in this is Moe Rutherford. That guy just doesn't give a shit. He does what he does because he wants to get paid and get laid. That's all he wants, and that's all he's going to get. He used to be a part of the FBI, but was kicked out for basically being a rogue douche-bag, and dammit when a job that he gets hired for needs to be done, he's going to do it. No matter what. Go ahead. Ask him why his friends call him Moe. "When people give me money, I always want Moe." That might be cornier than the bottom of a popcorn bag, but it works perfectly for this guy's personality and reputation, trying to catch these corporate assclown's so he can take them to the cleaners. The Stuff points out how weak society is when it comes to consumerism, and I stand in applause for it having the balls to do so. If this film had come out last year, it would have been heavily edited because it speaks that truth. But since it came out in the 80's, it's the well weathered father or older brother you need to listen to for advice. I just remembered I have a pint of Ben and Jerry's in the freezer. Laters. 

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Bloody Murder 2


I'm glad that I recently revisited Bloody Murder 2 because I completely forgot how much better it is than the original. Yes, it's still a Friday the 13th rip-off, but as long as it's done with some flair, love and pizzazz, it's going to be a highly enjoyable experience. And that's what this is. A highly enjoyable experience. Fully nude Tiffany Shepis aside, Bloody Murder 2 takes what happened in the original and gives it an all natural boost of sex and violence. There's a lot more swearing, limbs getting severed and hot ladies getting freaky in the shower. I should have taken a tally, but there were waaaayyyyy more shower scenes in here than what I remembered, and that's not at all a bad thing. I'm just glad that there is a lengthy, sizzling sex scene with Tiffany. Yowza! I couldn't ask for more from a sequel to a lame first time out. Actually, I could. Even though there is more gore and people getting chopped up on-screen, it still feels sort of unbalanced. Like the director was trying to make this whole thing just about out-doing the original without really expanding on the Trevor Moorehouse lore. And there is some expanding. In the last 5-10 minutes. Everything else is boobs and blood.  

She has to be frostbitten by now.

Sawn in half. No quarter.

Teenage stupidity and Tiffany Shepis are a complete package that promotes hormonal growth at summer camp.

 A game of "bloody murder" in this movie is just as stupid as the first one.

First you beg. Then you ruin it. Dumbass.

Young adult in-fighting. Yay.

Well, if he had diabetes, he has two less limbs to worry about.

Milk and cookies in the morning. Zing.

Dude-you should have known you were going to bite it when you saw a freshly dug grave.

What?! A black guy named Elvis? That's hilarious.

You participated in the game show "pants dance" and the grand prize is dying.

 The final bit of advice I'm going to leave you zits and zombies with is this-Bloody Murder 2 is here if you want it. It's a low grade slasher with a fully nude Tiffany Shepis banging some dude in a forest, more detailed kills, more shower scenes and less story. Sometimes you just can't give a shit about the plot-you have to appeal to your human wiles and indulge in some hot girls screaming their faces off while everyone gets slayed for the better part of 90 minutes. Even if it means wading through all the cheesy acting and dialogue to get there. Basically, Trevor Moorehouse is Jason Voorhees' 5th cousin he only ever sees at family reunions every 10 years or so. And even then they really don't say much to each other because they're ripping each other off. And then they shove each other into the in-ground pool face first to stir up some shit. What a family. What a movie. What a party.  

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Crawlspace (1972)


Let out into the wild in the same era as the wildly loved Bad Ronald, the 1972 made for t.v. horror-shocker Crawlspace has a very similar air of contention. It feels right at home among the rarity ranks of being so obscure that the highly sought after dvd print of it is in the $90-$200 price range-for even a used copy among us collectors that would snag a copy if the occasion ever arose. Which of course means that it is out of print. What a drag. Fear not. There are always digital sources to find Crawlspace dwelling in for your weird thirst, and I'm of course here to let all of you zits and zombies know that it is very much worth the long search. The frame that this film is built upon stands up by the means of a man named Richard that comes to repair some things in the Graves' home one night. They soon realize that after his job is done, he is sneaking into their basement/cellar/crawlspace (whatever you want to refer to it as) at night while they snore because he has nowhere to go. He carves the word "God" in huge letters on the door to the cellar. The Graves' take him in because they never had any children of their own when they were younger and they wanted to do their part and help out someone in need. But Richard can't adjust. He finds himself obsessed with the dark corners of the crawlspace and never, ever wants to leave. Ever. Once you reach this point in the film, the Christmas scene is where you think that Rich is starting to open up a little. It's warm, loving, inviting and makes you wish you were spending that time with your own family. But things take a bad turn after that. Bad, bad turn.

Oh my God-no more plumbing nightmares.

What a weird, shifty motherfucker.

Hey, fruity Jim Carey-stop asking nosy questions and get the hell out of my house.

      What a spectacular crawlspace... there's a dead rabbit, a rat skull, cobwebs and a cigar box with which contains an iron cross. WWII era.

No one ever said being vengeful or paranoid were bad. They're just not good.

"Over the hills and through the woods to break into your cellar door."

Yeah, Richard. Get a job.

Never disappoint mama at Christmas dinner.

     Geico caveman love shrimp!

At least Richard is happy. He has a sense of purpose at your house, Mr. Graves.

Crawlspace is about friendship, loneliness and isolation. Everyone needs someone whether they think they do or not, and the relationship between Richard and the couple that takes him in to live in their crawlspace perfectly embodies the struggle of helping someone in need. Anything can happen in that sort of situation, and this flick makes everything feel real. After Richard loses it and tears up the local grocery store, that's when the real terror of what he is all about finally comes to light. There's absolutely no way that I'm going to spoil the ending or really anything from this film for you, but just know this-the ending is about as tragic as they come. It's pretty sad. It's not a tearjerker or anything like that, but you've been through this bizarre house of mirrors with these characters for almost 70 minutes, and once the story comes to a head at the end... it just knocks you down. I can't say enough about how powerful Crawlspace was for me, and I hope to own a hard copy someday for my collection. Now, since my basement is leaking, I must dam it up. Watch those stragglers.