Monday, May 1, 2017

Farmhouse


Sometimes I love surprises. They keep you on your feet so you don't get lazy or complacent. And that's the exact way that I would describe the structure of this hidden indie gem to any zit or zombie that was interested. Farmhouse has twists and turns that you don't expect because it leaves the audience in the dark on purpose. It wants you to work for the story. It wants you to feel and experience the pain that the characters go through so you can figure out just what the hell is going on here. Farmhouse wants the viewer to believe that what is happening is actually happening, but you need to dig deeper to come to your senses and realize that there is a toll to be paid. Everything begets everything, and you just have to pay attention. You have no choice. There is an investment to be made and a judgement to be cast. Honestly, the first time I watched Farmhouse after I bought the dvd I thought this was just some shitty Saw knock-off. No, no, no. There's much more to be had here than just that. Even the Saw franchise has it's layers and corridors to wade through, but this... this film has much more to it's overall meaning than just some guy capturing people and having them choose to live or die to learn a lesson about their own personal lives. This is redemption. This is payback. This is what you experience after passing on.

    A cross won't help you. A gun and a bullet will do the trick.

Go away you old pedo guy-man person.

Moving is tough. I've done it a lot in my lifetime.

A 20 hour drive? Stop and get some rest sir.

At this point, flip phones aren't relevant anymore.

Steven Webber is class A, brother!

 Nothing beats a little simplicity sometimes.

 "May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future."

Owning and maintaining your own wine vineyard would be badass.

Voyeurism. You perverted bastard.

This is where the sick fun starts.

I've already hinted at this earlier, but nothing in this film makes any sense until you start trying to piece everything together yourself. That's why Farmhouse works beautifully as a masterpiece of indie horror cinema. It keeps you guessing all the way until the car accident towards the beginning flips itself into something else that you just didn't see coming. A quick nit-pick about the dvd itself is that if you watch it on a blu-ray player to try to upscale it, the resolution of the transfer in some spots is sort of grainy and pixelated around objects and darker lines. Other than that there is a cool behind the scenes featurette and a few other little things on the disc to round it out. If I sat here and made a top 10 favorite indie horror flicks, Farmhouse would have to be somewhere between 3 and 1. Seriously. Check it out. Everyone has to pay up sometime.   

Friday, April 28, 2017

House


I've always aspired to be some sort of a writer. That's where putting this blog together comes in. Even though I never would have thought that my main focus would be horror films, collecting them or even "reviewing" them (I still don't consider these things reviews) working on this Cinema Slayer blog has really been a positive outlet for me, even though none of you deadbeats probably give two shits anyway. The reason I'm mentioning this in any capacity at all is because our main guy in House, Roger Cobb moves into a house that his aunt believed was haunted while she was alive. He needs his solitude to work on his new book pertaining to his experiences being involved in the Vietnam war, and of course while he's living there, monsters and weirdos start trying to grab at him from out of his closet and other insane happenings. The practical effects in this film are second to none, and when Big Ben comes back towards the end to exact his revenge on Roger for letting him die in the war, he's the coolest most detailed looking zombie I've ever seen. Seriously. I think that might be where Slayer got their dead solider design from for some of their t-shirts. Compare the two. You'll see what I mean.

    Victorian houses are the shit.

Grocery delivery boys don't get paid very well.

Sick art is the best art.

Rabid book fans... every community has bottom feeders.

What an inheritance.

This real estate agent has got some nerve shooting a harpoon at a potential buyer.

Living in a house that huge by myself would creep me the fuck out.

"You wanna go where everybody knows your name..."

War is hell, and then you blast charlie in a rice patty!

Literally a monster in the closet-now that's great stuff!

Harold really wants to put that sausage in his mouth.

Shit Roger... you've really done it this time.

If you've never seen House, at first viewing you're going to think that this is some type of shitty paranormal flick with no substance and no character. You would be sorely mistaken. House has everything going for it, and now that there is a complete blu-ray set with all of them, now is the time to experience them. I don't even have a copy of it, but it's on my list. If I had to choose between watching all four of these films or watching the show House with Hugh Laurie, I'm picking this. Mainly because it's horror and the t.v. show is dumb. Yeah, I said it. House the t.v. show is dumb. Stop crying, we all have our own opinions.      

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Hellraiser: Hellseeker (blu-ray)


As a franchise, Hellraiser in general is just legendary. As a horror icon, Pinhead kicks so much evil ass that Satan probably won't even touch him. This series has some similar potholes such as going into space and young'ins getting roped into a community of gamers that play a really shitty online pc game named Hellworld. But those are just side films that are fun to watch if your really in the mood for them, but Hellraiser: Hellseeker really blew me away. Last night was the first time I had a chance to watch this (I've had the blu-ray for quite awhile, and I've just never popped it in) and the first half of the film is just absolutely confusing. I was about ready to chalk this up as being the worst sequel in the franchise until Pinhead finally shows up and starts straightening things out in the story. Up until this point, everything was pointing towards a disjointed mess of memories and events that Trevor (or the audience) really can't make heads or tails out of. This is the part where you see what Kirsty did with Pinhead to twist the story before anything in the film even happens, and this reveal made me a fan of this part of the series immediately. 

Learn to drive, assclown.

F this noise, I'm terrified of drowning.

Talk about Brain Salad Surgery.

That music is never loud enough.

   Mind your own business you scummy bastard.

 Fucked up vending machines, flickering lights, sexually aggressive women-what the hell kind of an office is this?

Don't try swallowing an eel whole next time. You're not talented enough for that.

Huh. So sex and violence do go together.

Pinhead is definitely the grand master of acupuncture.

Sexiest cup of sugar that any neighbor has ever asked for.

Trevor, you don't want that box.

Pain or pleasure, sir? How about potato chips.

 Out of all of the Hellraiser sequels (that I've watched anyway) Hellraiser: Hellseeker really raised the bar for me in terms of a franchise being stretched to thin before no one cares anymore. Sometimes it only takes maybe the third film before things turn sour, but this is the sixth film in this series and I felt like this should have been number four. Forget when Pinhead goes into space or sets people up in Saw-like traps. This is the sequel that the diehards need to see. It reveals more about the main girl Kirsty, and what she does to get back at her husband for being a selfish prick. Like I stated earlier zits and zombies-when the twist comes, you never even see it because the film makes you think this is what's happening when the real plot is just around the corner. Just make sure you have a flashlight and be prepared to choose between pain or pleasure. Or get a bag of chips from the vending machine. Either way, you have to atone for what you've done.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

The Windmill


I can't believe that I almost forgot that I had a set of notes for The Windmill just waiting to be processed into a post for you guys here. Technically, this film is supposed be be a part of the ever growing ocean of horror flicks that has the word "massacre" accompanying it, but I'm glad it was dropped for the sake of simplicity and avoiding being pigeon-holed. Now at first glance of the cover art, this conjures up feelings of not wanting to bother. It just looks so generic and flat. And The Windmill starts off pretty promising with building itself up into something that seems like it's going to be a unique indie film with it's own taste... until it starts riddling itself with horror cliches' when the tour bus all of a sudden won't start after Jennifer thinks she sees some guy in the middle of the path they are driving on and makes a ruckus so as the driver won't hit him. Man, that was a mouthful. The only positive thing I can really say about The Windmill is that the kills are really cool and surprisingly gory compared to what I expected, but this just ended up being another sluggish modern slasher that I really just tossed into the okay category when the credits started rolling.  

Light that shit up!

I had a babysitter named Julie when I was growing up.

No worries dude. I'm not a good artist either.

That red light district, though.

Schizo?

Everyone looks so thrilled to be on this tour of Holland.

I can't wait to see what other horror cliches' are stuffed into this mess of a stromboli.

   Oh, no! A ghostly windmill! Whatever will we do??

Head-stomp right in the middle of the forest. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed.

You ain't goin' no wheas....

Time to see your grandma, kid. With an off-screen kill.

What a wuss. You puked.

 This has been getting a lot of praise, and to it's credit I respect that. But, it wasn't for me. The Windmill just didn't get me riled up enough to care about any of the characters or what was going to happen to them later on. The plot felt all over the place, and the climax had sort of a "let's get this finished" feel to it that turned me off towards the end. I know, zits and zombies-the tour of Holland was a ploy to get random people to end up at the windmill so it can kill everyone. The bus driver wasn't even really all that creepy. He was just some fat, smelly bastard that hadn't shaved in five days and needed to buy a new bottle of Axe shower gel. Hell, they might not even have that over there. Besides some fantastic cinematography with the open landscape, some really cool windmills and some gory kills, there really isn't anything new or groundbreaking to witness here. Horror purgatory it is. 

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The Girl on the Train


My wife and I are always suggesting movies and t.v. shows to one another that we are discovering while the other one is off at work or something. She recently told me about The Girl on the Train a couple of weeks ago, and I finally got around to watching it on Kodi so I could take some notes. It didn't sound like horror-it sounded more like some kind of drama-thriller type thing, which isn't normally what I go looking for or what I would normally want to jot some shit down about for you zits and zombies here on Cinema Slayer, but it's good to change things up once in a while. I also found out that it's based on a novel as well, which always intrigues me because the film version of a book is usually pretty different. The Girl on the Train is basically this insane web that's woven between three women-Rachel, Megan and Anna. They are all connected to each other, mainly because one douche-bag can't keep it in his pants for lack of a better phrase. I really can't expunge to many details because it will just ruin the frailty of experiencing this film-all I can say is that I was pretty blown away by the story, characters, and just how everything plays out. Great stuff if you're in the mood to put your nose in someone's business that it shouldn't be. 

She became important to you because of the wretches of daily routine.

Dude looks like Heath Ledger.

Stop living in that bottle.

I would love to just live off the grid.

  These chicks are just falling apart more and more everyday.

Laura Prepon? Hell yeah!

Damn, that's a gorgeous house.

Alcohol always brings people to the darkest places.

It's not adding up, Rachel.

Gettin' some wood in the woods. Classy.

I dated a nympho once. It's not as fucking fun as you think it is.

Cops always need evidence. Just evidence.

Wow... that's a tragically powerful way to lose a baby.

The Girl on the Train ultimately ends up being one of those very well written and produced thriller flicks that suck you in right at the beginning, and won't spit you out until the curtains close at the credits. You get addicted to wanting to know what's going to happen next or where the story is going to take these people, and you want to be in that side car along with them-experiencing every tear, every drunken stupor and every lie that gets told. A rarity lies in this (at least for me) where you actually want there to be a sequel. But you know what? This was so well sewn up that if there is a sequel, I probably won't watch it. There's nowhere else for these three women to go. So do yourself a favor and buy a ticket for the next ride on this train... it's a tragic yet satisfying experience.   

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Friday The 13th Part III: 3-D


There's an overabundance of 80's horror films and franchises, but one of my personal favorite series' is most assuredly the Friday The 13th franchise. The original four at the beginning are slasher cornerstones, and five through eight bring Jason right back for some highly entertaining (if stupid) killing time that hardcore fans of the series always just salivate over. Back when I first started this journey here on Cinema Slayer, I wrote a post about my personal favorite in the series, which still stands as Friday The 13th Part VII: The New Blood. Mainly because in that film, main girl Tina finds out when she's young that she possesses some telekinetic powers that enable her to manipulate the environment around her just by thinking about what she wants to do or move or what have you, and it ends up being one shitty bad time for Jason. He gets burned, nails stabbed in his face and all kinds of other craziness due to Tina just wanting his ass dead. My second favorite in the franchise has always been part III. Really, I don't have any real explanation why. It sort of just segues the viewer into part IV because all you want to happen is just to have these people die. Especially Shelly. He's fat, annoying, and has a horrible self-esteem problem. Hell, so do I, but it's nowhere near as bad as this guy. Maybe I really enjoy Friday The 13th Part III: 3-D because this is when Jason finally levels up into icon status. This is the film where he finally gets the hockey mask. Forget that crappy burlap sack with one eye hole. It's time to kill-kill-kill, die-die-die.

Jason always listens to mother.

He should be dead...right?

Aww, shut up. And take out those hair rollers. You look like a pissed off ferret.

Who are you, Jason? The Shape?! Do your own thing, man!

Eating yourself out of business. Now that's hysterical.

Dumping and drinking. I think you forgot to wipe, bro.

The van's not on fire, you just have Cheech and Chong in the back.

   I want a van with blue shag carpet on the inside of all of the doors.

What a sick joke. You fat fuck.

Men who juggle don't get laid. Sorry boss.

 I've sat down with an ice cold beer and watched Friday The 13th Part III: 3-D many times, but you know what-I've never bothered to try it in actual 3-D. Missed opportunity. Next time I give it a spin, I'll put those red and blue glasses on and see what it's all about. I don't really know how much better watching a three-piece biker gang and a bunch of dumb teens getting killed by Jason in 3-D really is going to be, but it's not if it's good or not... it's if you have a good time. That's what those novelty ideas are all about. Adding to the experience of having a good time. And I think now that's what Friday The 13th Part III: 3-D is actually about-just sitting down, watching people getting slaughtered and having a good time. Make that into a drinking game. Every time I've written "having a good time" in this post (including just now) take a shot. And go watch Shelly get destroyed by Jason as he transforms into a horror icon. What a sacrifice that he made. Thank you Shelly for giving Jason his iconic hockey mask. He is forever in your debt. You fat, juggling loser.  

Monday, April 10, 2017

Greetings


The very first thing I want to do when I look at my notes for Greetings is to just cry. Just, you know... ball my eyes out for twenty minutes. Get all of my self-hate, self-loathing, and all of my insecurities out. Just get everything out in the open. Because I need to make all the extra space in the whole wide world between my lungs and what's left of my heart to fill it with the greenest, darkest, most putridly vile anger that I can possibly concoct to stain the "reputation" that this film has (if it even has one) to the point of making Brain Damage Films go out of business. That's right. This is one of those flicks where I wondered how it even made it past the writing process. Hell, even the idea process. Here it is, zits and zombies-nothing in this film works. It's broken. It's so goddamn lame that I'd rather start going back to church again than ever having to think about this Euro-trash for the rest of my pathetic life. Literally 95% of this film is a bunch of British nit-wits sitting in someone's living room blabbing on and on and on and on about whatever the fuck they want to. They drink ass-loads of wine and coffee, see a floating upside down table... and then I proceeded to drown myself in a glass vat of hydrochloric acid. 

A little bubbly for the birthday.

What a cheesy ass speech. Get out of here.

Brits do love the smell of fresh paint, yeah? I mean, they watch it dry on t.v. for Satan's sake.

This is seriously the most boring birthday party I've ever seen. Falling down the stairs and spraining my ankle is more exciting than this shit.

Damn bro, wanna get hammered?

Oujia isn't supposed to work with a fucking wine glass. Wow.

Somebody just said they thought a window was open! Jesus Christ.

What broke into the house?! A chicken??

Yeah-spraying Febreeze is going to help out so much.

In all seriousness, the first 50-60 minutes of this "movie" (it's 71 in total by the way) is all of the main characters sitting around in some blonde bitch's living room talking about nothing and getting shit-faced off wine. That is it. Nothing fucking happens. On and off, the guys that are there play this really crappy version of Oujia with a wine glass and some flat piece of rusted metal, and then a table in the living room is all of a sudden floating upside down. Then more talking for the rest of eternity until some magical white light starts killing people. And that's all there is to it. I'm going to leave you zits and zombies with this-putting my hairy ball-sack into my wife's Nightmare Before Christmas themed nutcracker and pushing the tab on the back as hard as I possibly can down on my nuts and going to the ER would be more fun than fucking watching Greetings ever again. If you want to watch a good birthday horror flick, go find Bloody Birthday or Happy Birthday To Me. At least then you could have your cake and eat it too.