Blood Pageant

 

There's two things that caught my eye when I first stumbled across Blood Pageant-Beverley Mitchell's name is emblazoned into the left corner of the poster art and Snoop doing his thang front and center. Now, there have been plenty of horror flicks starring the Doggfather in the past (and honestly I've never seen any of them) but he's just such a chill, lax guy that he had to bring something cool and smooth to the proceedings, right? Well, in his own way he did here and it did up the entertainment value greatly because even though he really isn't in it all that much, his signature laid back prose took some of the wrinkles and bumps out of what otherwise could have been one helluva boring two hours. Yeah, Blood Pageant clocks in at damn near 120 minutes and it's one of those long-stretched pieces where I was pleasantly surprised at how well it flowed and how quickly that time actually flew by. Normally I wince at a film that's any longer than the 80-90 mark because you really have to keep the audience sucked in in order to make things happen and for it to be worth the experience. Was Blood Pageant worth the experience? I would say that it was for many reasons, even though at the same time I would argue that this is also a purgatory flick. My favorite girl here was Amy (because she's just a total hottie and she looks very similar to Lucy Hale, which I have a massive crush on) because she is the main focal point with the witchcraft and seeking guidance from Liz who is a descendant of some cult that has survived from the Salem Witch trial days. I absolutely hate reality t.v. and this film proved to me why even more that it's a plague on entertainment and needs to be eradicated with the utmost aggression. Snooty, snotty and uppity bitches are front and center as usual in this kind of environment, and Amy wants to be a part of it for whatever reason, so she joins the next season of the American Dream reality show. Which isn't real at all. The black magic is, however. Chants, incantations and hexagrams all make an appearance here to round things out. They wanted it to be real-here it is.

Amy finds Liz online and goes to her for guidance and to have a tarot card reading, only to have her do some voodoo-witchcraft business on her and to give her a pendant that basically possesses her gradually. Liz also shows her how to construct a "spirit board" of sorts where during the filming of the show, Amy takes photos of everyone with a Fujifilm Instax (I know, the photography nerd in me notices these things) and plasters their photos on there so she can write messages around them and cast spells on them to eventually end up being the new winner on American Dream. When she writes "choke on your words" around the photo of Chloe that she took, she chokes on a strawberry and dies. I don't know how they could have literally conveyed that she choked on actual words, so a strawberry is good enough I suppose. The other one that stood out to me was that she drew a heart around the photo of one of the guys' photos that she took, and when she wakes up the next morning after having some sexy time with him, his heart is actually laying on the pillow next to her in bed with his body nowhere to be found. As cheap and as shitty as that scene is, I found it funny and a little to on the nose simultaneously, which for me, added to the enjoyment value. The other thing that added value to this otherwise mediocrely produced grind-fest is the fact that you get to see Amy in a bikini. Now that's what I'm talking about. And I know Snoop would agree.

The universe does answer-you just have to pay attention.

Amy looks very similar to Lucy Hale. I'm into it.

I didn't know life coaches practiced witchcraft.

Snoop!

God, this American Dream show is just as shitty as the real talent shows that we have on t.v.

Being filmed behind the scenes is an invasion of privacy? Yeah... you don't know the half of it.

Barry is going to do some "editing".

There's no "reality" in "reality t.v." I figured that out a long time ago.

"Gluten free? How can I cook food for people that can't eat food?"

Sounded like Deicide came out of your radio!

Damn, when was the last time I saw Beverley Mitchell in anything?

Of course your show is going to shit-it's a reality show.

Fabiano is a little to fruity.

This specific fight is exactly why I'm not into religion.

I completely forgot to even mention the fact that Stephen Baldwin is in here as a priest zits and zombies. The very second he stepped into frame, I actually started laughing because it was unexpected and there's no way that any of the Baldwin brothers could be construed as a man of the cloth. But he did a damn good job taking the role seriously (or as serious as he could in this kind of a setting) talking down Crystal as she needed help from The Lord to combat what is going on behind the scenes of American Dream and what was going on with Amy personally. I really wasn't expecting there to be a heavy handed layer to do with religion in this flick as it trudged on, but by the end, I was actually okay with it. It added a depth to Blood Pageant that it needed for it to work as a whole, because without it it would have been the worst two hours of my life. If I ever bother sitting through this ever again, it will be because I get to see Amy in a bikini and to hang out with the Doggfather for a while. Blood Pageant? More like a run-of-the-mill reality show. A crappy, thinly-budgeted satanic one. Thanks, Liz.