Friday, June 30, 2017

Tales From The Quadead Zone

I've been putting off the two Chester Novell Turner films for to long now, and now is as good a time as any to watch them and write about them. His initial effort, Black Devil Doll From Hell really is an S.O.V. flick from hell-scenes that go on for to long, mountains and mountains of padding, horribly strange Casio synth keyboard music and a religious woman that would rather bang a puppet that resembles Rick James than an actual man. But enough about that, I'm here to get on with Tales From The Quadead Zone. The production values are the lowest of the low, and you can still tell that Chester put his heart into this, especially since I think this is much more entertaining than his first flick. It's a homemade anthology horror film with three stories to keep it going. It only clocks in at about 62 minutes, but that's all the time you need with Quadead Zone. It starts off with the mother talking to the ghost of her son "Bobby" and he hands her a mug (well, it sort of floats up to the counter in the kitchen, but it's implied that his ghost is handing it to her) and you see the imprint in one of the chairs in the living room, giving the illusion that he has some physical weight to him. That's impressive considering what little Chester was working with. This wrap-around is accompanied by two really out-there stories that the mother reads to "Bobby", and the whole thing has a really off atmosphere that I can't really explain. You just have to experience it for yourself.

    These title cards are horrendous. 

I'm impressed. A ghost giving his mom a mug, blowing on her hair, sitting in a chair. It's all so real.

There's eight of you, and there's only food for four. Someone is going to die, aren't they.

  No one is upset that fatty just blew away three of their family members. Wow.

You're damn right that was a strange tale.

Looks like your brother is dead. Time to leave him alone.

Who wrote the score, a potato?

A champagne glass in the shape of a boob. Classy.

Yeah, Oscar. Let's get the fuck on up out of here.

Of course he's naked, he's dead. And why would you dress your dead brother up as a clown?!

He's already dead, you can't kill him!

When the credits for Tales From The Quadead Zone start rolling, it blatantly states that there will be a sequel. Or there was supposed to be, but unfortunately Chester never got around to it. I would have loved to have seen a sequel, but this weird triple-story anthology is all we have, and I am really grateful for it. The final act is actually more touching than you could ever expect, considering what takes place in the last 15-20 minutes and the whole film just makes a full circle. That's one of the things that makes me happy about Quadead Zone is that it wraps itself up quite nicely and actually leaves you wanting to watch more. But 62 minutes is all we have. Chester, let's meet up sometime. I want to get some coffee.    

Thursday, June 29, 2017

All Through The House

After all of this time, you zits and zombies should know that I really dig my Christmas horror flicks. My personal favorite that still hasn't been dethroned is the almighty Christmas Evil. I would rather watch that than Christmas Story or Christmas Vacation if I had the ultimate choice. But there's a new contender that I finally got around to watching last night called All Through The House-and this version of Santa is just fucking brutal. He doesn't care about anything except killing all of the hot chicks and douche-bag boyfriends he can possibly find. And these kills are gory as hell, especially the two scenes where random guys' dicks get lobbed off by Santa's hedge trimmers, or when the blonde at the beginning gets the blades shoved into both of her eyes at the same time. Merciless killing at it's finest. That leads me to one of this movie's flaws however-character development. There really isn't any. Most of the people that get sliced in here are just there and Santa has a jolly old time cutting them up. Which is fine, but I at least want some kind of small reason as to why these people are there. In any case, I really enjoyed All Through The House for what it is-a straight up visceral thrill ride of a Christmas slasher that pours on loads of gore and plenty of boobs.

Santa doesn't like naughty little boys.

Pretty Christmas lights.

I'm not racist, but why does her boyfriend have to be black? Are we all supposed to assume these days that all bigger girls date black men?

Wow, Santa is a brutal motherfucker!

Pour me a shot of that holiday whisky.

Ok-that wasn't a fucked up dream.

Well.... hoe, hoe hoe. I mean, ahem. This is a Christmas movie. Pull yourself together, man.

That's two, make it two severed penis' by way of Santa's hedge clippers. And the cat is eating it. Wow.

There's always deep rooted psychological issues when you have Christmas dinner with a female mannequin, a Santa statue and a teddy bear.

Damn, Kris Kringle is festive this year.

If you're looking for something different (and really bloody) this Christmas, try out All Through The House. Another positive thing I can say about this film is that the cinematography, lighting, use of color and production values are way higher than I expected them to be, and there are artifacts of the Christmas spirit in pretty much every scene. It gets you in the mood for some hot chocolate and some egg nog really quickly, and I kind of wanted to go thrifting to find some new decorations so that I could use them in November and December later this year. Thanks, evil Santa. Just don't lob off my penis. I need that for later.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Alice Sweet Alice (VHS)

There isn't a religious bone in my body. But even I can be disturbed by a film that focus' itself on being totally anti-religious. On top of that structure, though, are just a collection of outlandishly bizarre characters that populate this world that Alice lives in. Her Aunt Annie is a complete Catholic Nazi and she gets what she deserves when the time comes later in the film. The landlord Mr. Alphonso has to be the creepiest, fattest cat-guy pedo I've ever had to endure, and he really tries to do things to Alice that no grown man should be doing to a 12 year old girl. He also gets what he deserves. Hoo-rah. The overall tone of Alice Sweet Alice is just pure evil, and has everything to do with going against straight Catholic beliefs, and that's completely ok with me. As the film progresses and people get murdered in and around the church, you can just feel the dread and the atmosphere surrounding you, making you wanting to get the hell out of there and hide under your binky in your bedroom. It oozes out of your t.v. screen and your VCR (or dvd player or whatever print you happen to watch) leaving you wondering if the Lord really does exist, why would he allow people to get stabbed in his house, in front of his congregation? He does love us so, right? Get out of here with that non-sense. 

 You know why a priest would want to see a little girl. Oh wait-that's for little boys. Nevermind.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

That looks like the mask from Sledgehammer. It's creepier here though.

   Holy shit, bro. Lose some weight. And start with not eating the cat food anymore.

 Where's Alice? She's doing the right thing by not attending your brainwashing sessions 2-3 times a week.

'Burning Catholic Corpses'. That would be a great death metal song or band name.

Who gives a shit if mass starts at 9, your niece was just murdered. Religious people, man.

I can't wait for Alice to stab Annie. I really can't wait for it.

This 400lb pedo-cat guy is way more disturbing than Alice could ever be.

Alice Sweet Alice is another great example to me of why religion just needs to be abolished all together. It twists people into shells of who they're supposed to be, and it's all about manipulation. The relationship between Alice and her Aunt Annie in this film is all to real for some people, and it's a plague on humanity that just needs to end already. This film has a very good whodunit framework built into it as even after you have made it to the end, you still don't fully know if Alice really is the killer or not. The writing and the plot sucks you into this really horrible life and world that Alice and her sister Karen have to be a part of, whether they like it or not, and the viewer really gets to feel the depression and the hurt that the sisters have to absorb that made them who they are. Zits and zombies, partake in this communion only if you are in the mood for a serious slasher flick that will leave you wanting to come back for multiple viewings. Corpus Christi.   

Monday, June 19, 2017

Prison of the Dead (VHS)

About a year or two ago, a thrift store by my house went under by the name of Unique. My wife and I had only went in there while it was still open a couple of times, and one of those times we dragged our feet in there, she randomly found Phantasm IV: Oblivion on VHS and walked up to me and asked "do you know what this is, babe?" She handed me the tape. I asked in shock "where the hell did you find this?!" and I followed her around the corner where the rest of the VHS tapes were hiding. Besides said Phantasm tape, I also purchased Prison of the Dead, Dean Koontz's Black River, It's Alive III: Island of the Alive and Campfire Tales all on VHS for a quarter a piece that day. I have since watched all of them but one. Until I popped Prison of the Dead in my VCR earlier today. I kept asking myself "why doesn't Full Moon just stick with their flagship properties like Puppet Master or Killjoy?" as the tape kept on rolling with trailers for other films from them including Side Show and Witchouse II: Blood Coven. Those two flicks actually look really cool. I need to check them out when I can. Once Prison of the Dead started, I would have rather went to prison than watch this probably ever again. It was just trying way to hard to be a paranormal film with these jackass teens messing with a Ouija board in a medieval prison after hosting a fake funeral as a fucking joke. The three executioners that were buried there come to life and start snuffing out these nimrods while they simultaneously get possessed by some really bad booger-CGI ghost entity thingy. Dumb and dumb.

Blah, blah, blah.... just get to the funeral already.

I'm going to guess that your cell phone is one of those 90's pocket bricks.

You don't have to tell me twice that jocks are fucking losers.

Sounds like someone's a little jelly.

"I can't remember. I blame the nutra-sweet."

Don't you think you would have figured out something was off about this guy's funeral because you were the only ones there and it was being held in a medieval prison instead of a fucking funeral home?!

A Ouija board. Nope.

Zombies have never been equipped with axes, maces and chainmail.

Scene recycling? Alright. It's Full Moon. All is forgiven.

 "All we need are some flashlights and cameras. I have a zippo."

 "You can sit here and yank on your Ouija while we split."

I really ended up being let down by my heroes on this one as Full Moon can do so much better than what's offered here in Prison of the Dead. The characters are way to predictable and stereotypical, all of the kills are off screen, there's barely any blood, no boobs and an ending that just made me kind of both smile and cringe in one weird facial expression that I think I invented once this was finally over. This is certainly one of their more uninspired and weaker works when sitting next to the likes of Trancers or Dollman, as they are extremely fun and engaging in spite of just how horrible they really are. Prison of the Dead falls flat on it's face, and once it started yelling "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" in that signature Steve Urkel tambre, I simply walked away as if I never heard such a thing. As a cult horror freak, take my advice zits and zombies. When the moon is full, watch Blade and Pinhead instead of some idiotic teens playing with a Ouija board only to get killed by un-dead executioners in a medieval prison. Ah yessss-saaaaa. 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Silent Night Deadly Night IV: Initiation

In my last post about SNDN III, I touched on my enthusiasm about what I expected from the fourth film because of the cast and crew. Brian Yuzna's directing skills are definitely present here in the fourth installment, but still this film has absolutely nothing to do with any of the past lore or a fucking killer Santa Clause. This one just walks even further away from being anything to do with a Christmas horror flick, and has everything to do with witches, nasty ass bugs, hints of lesbianism and feminism and even a rape scene towards the end that has Clint Howard with his shirt off wearing a mask similar to Chris Fehn from Slipknot. And if that wasn't just outright bizarre on it's own merits, there are plenty of body horror scenes (that's mostly the type of horror Yuzna directs) involving some of the biggest and most grotesque insects I've probably ever wanted to see in any film of any kind. I almost vomited a couple of times because bugs just freak me the fuck out. Goddamned disgusting. In reality, the Silent Night Deadly Night name was probably just tacked on at the end as a marketing ploy to get people to buy this or watch it, but after the crappy trappings of the last two sequels, why would anyone even bother? Probably for the same reason I have so far-to see if the series ever returns to it's roots of having a serial killer/rapist Santa ruining people's lives. So far, I'm still extremely grossed out and disappointed. 

A burger with bugs and a burning bitch. This intro will wake you up!

Watching porn and banging your girl? My kind of lunch break!

Reggie, where have you been bro? Give me some mint chocolate chip in a waffle cone while you're at it.

I know you're a butcher, but at least wash your hands before you eat something. Please.

So far, I'm wondering what the hell any of this has to do with Billy, Ricky or a killer Santa Clause.

To many bugs. Just to damn many.

Prove it. Prove that that shit is real.

Holy shit! A radroach?!

I'm sure there's something wrong with that tea.

Ooooooooookkaayyyy.... I don't want to live anymore.

Out of the whole series, I don't know which to choose as being the worst sequel so far. This film should have just been titled Initiation or Bug Puke or something like that because the main focus of this film isn't what it's supposed to be. It's about a female cult that thrives on ridding society of men altogether by conducting this insane ritual where they lure random women in, put some black ash shit on their forehead, chant some Book of the Dead business and have some slug looking thing crawl into their belly button. Yeah. Tell me about it. I will probably never watch this ever again as long as I live. The only positive things I can say about Silent Night Deadly Night 4: Initiation is that Brian Yuzna's body horror directing style is all still here, with some of the scenes even feeling and looking like it could have been part of a film of his that I enjoy waaaaaaayyy more than this by the name of Society. Also, Screaming Mad George's practical special effects are top notch per usual as all the insects herein are exceptionally nauseating to the eye, which I'm sure is what they were both going for. As a stand alone body horror flick, this is a solid piece. But as part of a series that's supposed to embody a killer Santa slaying (hah) people, it's trash. Only for the hardcore fans. Ho ho ho.    

Monday, June 12, 2017

SIlent Night Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out!

The title for this entry in the Silent Night Deadly Night franchise is both highly appropriate and disappointing at the same time. The original film is a Christmas slasher classic revered by pretty much all horror freaks alike, while the sequel is completely abysmal-being comprised of 85% clips and scenes from the first just to tell a different angle of the same story, and the other 15% mainly focusing on a killing rampage including an infamous scene that everyone has ran across on Youtube randomly in the past 10 years or so. You know, garbage day?? I was personally hoping that this third entry would bring the series back to it's original form, but unfortunately it didn't. It kind of makes me not want to even bother with parts IV and V, but since the cast and crew for part IV ups the ante way higher than it should with Clint Howard and Reggie Bannister being main characters, Brian Yuzna being the director and Screaming Mad George having his hand dipped into the special effects; I'm fully expecting the sequel after this to be phenomenally entertaining. Part III kills my spirit for Christmas horror mainly because it's just a damn snoozer. I actually couldn't make it to the end without falling asleep. Bill Moseley "acting" in this didn't really do much, especially since he just stumbled around this whole film in a hospital gown and a red jello mold shaped like a brain on top of his head the whole fucking time. Ugh. Fucking waste of the man's talents. 

Run Laura, run!

I don't think asking Santa for help in this situation is a very good idea.

Rapist Santa. At it again.

What the-is that Gene Simmons with a baby?!

     80's metal guy... right in the nick of time.

This assclown is the original bad Santa. Fuck Billy Bob Thornton.

 Knew it... someone was going to get stabbed with the letter opener.

Damn Laura is mean spirited. I like it.

My name is Greg. I always make the chicks' panties wet.

 It's imperative that I get a sick-ass tape deck like that. Goodwill, here I come!

Granny be dead.

I feel like Silent Night Deadly Night Part III: Better Watch Out! is just an atrocious sequel. It does absolutely nothing for the lore of the original (the second one really didn't either) and the whole thing with Laura being telepathically connected to Ricky was utterly lame and I felt like it was just a total rip-off of the same idea from my favorite Jason flick; Friday The 13th part VII: The New Blood. Really, for now I'm going to suggest to you zits and zombies to watch the original or the re-boot until I watch part IV. The standards are high for that one. I guess Bill Moseley needed some cash at the time. We all whore ourselves out to get paid at one point or another in our lives. Hell, I worked at McDonald's for four years. That was enough.  

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Splatter University

Categorically, Splatter University is supposed to be lumped into the slasher realm. But what this film really is is an un-intentional horror comedy. The production values are pretty much on the same level as The Last Slumber Party where acting, dialogue and clean editing don't mean a damn thing. That's actually what makes this type of atrocity fun is knowing that it's a heap of garbage, and yet everyone can still have fun with it. Some caramel popcorn, weed, beer and pizza are a must when viewing Splatter University, and it would be perfect to play on a huge outdoor projection screen at your high school reunion just to remind everyone why they hated you in the first place twenty years ago. The kills are quick and out of place, all of the characters are loathsome degenerates (except Denise-what a killer 80's red-head) the plot is paper thin, and the twist ending really didn't even come close to being shocking or satisfying. But that's not why you zits and zombies watch films like Splatter University. You watch them to see dumb people get killed and hot chicks take their tops off. I really dug this because it doesn't take itself seriously at all, and sometimes we all need to laugh at ourselves to survive. 

The second floor is one hell of a place.

How tall is that cop? 9 feet??

Sweet Jesus, stabbed in the dick!

"The next semester.... yesterday." What does that even mean?

Weakest boner gesture ever.

Shut up with the howling already. You're annoying, Wolf.

That's one hoppin' fe-mullet. I want to get lost in it.

What a surprise. A close minded priest.

"There's a fingernail in my pie."

Silly white guy dance. That's me tearing it up.

How many times are we going to hear this beach/surf song?

You're less than a foot away from your girlfriend and you can't even tell that her throat was slit?! Get some glasses, man!

 Really now, Splatter University is a fun time because of how 80's and trashy it is. It has a gritty, grind-housey layer to it that adds to the charm of just how lame and enjoyable this film truly is. If you can make it to the end of films like Things, Sledgehammer, The Last Slumber Party, Killer Workout or just about anything towards the bottom of the horror well, then you can make it to the end of this. And you will laugh in it's face because these movies amuse you. Well, me anyway. I would recommend this to any zit or zombie that needs a pick-me-up from a hard day at work because there's always worse things out there. I should've finished college. Missed my chance.      

Pool Party Massacre (blu-ray)

There was no choice left for me but to jump on the indie horror bandwagon when it came to the eventual release of Pool Party Massacre. I ran across the trailer for it one night on Youtube (where else does anyone find this type of shit anymore?) and I immediately had to find out where to watch it or buy a copy. With my Google wizardry and b-movie huffing nose, I finally ran across the store front for the film, which is hosted by Floating Eye Films. They have all kinds of insane merch centered around this film including action figures, beer koozies and t-shirts. But what I ended up purchasing was an autographed blu-ray, signed by all the girls and the director. Very fucking cool. What's also cool is the 8-bit introduction to Pool Party Massacre automatically let's you know that it's a throw-back slasher that's going to scratch every 80's horror itch any fanatic could've possibly ever had. Yes, it does have massacre in the title. Yes, I've watched a lot of downright shitty films so far this year with that word in the title card. That doesn't mean this is a dud though. Pool Party Massacre delivers on all accounts. Plenty of gore, plenty of kills, plenty of boobs and plenty of alcohol. It does drag a little here and there, but for the most part the pace is pretty quick and the comedy is just on top leaving any zit or zombie laughing on the floor while someone is getting an axe to the head. 80's horror rules.        

The money you must need to build an in-ground grotto type pool.

Helllllllllloooooooo sexy brunette skeleton.

He's not about to get filthy. You're about to get sliced.

Blair's parents are hilariously overacted.

  That romper is as hideous as you are.

If I was into anorexic red-headed bitches, I would totally have a stiffy right now. But I'm not. What a waste.

"Get those lips around that rich dick, and hold on tight!"

Hammer claw through the chin!

"Necrophilia is a dying art." 

Damn, those are...some.....nice........booooooooooobbssss........... (drools on floor)

Is Clay wearing Where's Waldo underwear?! That's classic!

 Of course this film wouldn't be complete without some vigorous fapping.

Honestly zits and zombies, I can't say enough about how great Pool Party Massacre is. My favorite angle of it all is the cinematography is extremely clean and crisp, and it has a final act that you just don't see coming. Really. I wasn't expecting it. Let's put it this way-you come for the boobs and blood, but you leave knowing you just watched a solid horror flick that should have been put out in 1986 when it actually came out just a month ago. Nutso. If you're at all interested, check out the trailer on Youtube and buy the dvd or blu-ray. I would say you could get it on VHS as well, but the online store is sold out at the moment so I would just go blu. The picture is clean enough with no damage what-so-ever (why would there be, this was filmed with digital cameras) and you can really see all the ladies in flawless detail as well as all of the kills up close, drenched in blood. A pizza guy also gets gutted for our enjoyment as well. Before I attend the next pool party, I need to do some belly flops to get back into shape. I'm starting to look like Free Willy here.  

The Neon Demon

One of my favorite non-horror films of recent years is Drive starring Ryan Gosling. I had heard positive things about it on Youtube from Cecil of GoodBadFlicks, and then turned in a blind buy at Best Buy about a year or so ago on blu-ray. Haven't regretted it since. It starring redhead goddess Christina Hendricks doesn't hurt anything either. She also has a cameo role in The Neon Demon as Roberta Hoffman. When I found out that this film was written by Nicolas Winding Refn (who also was involved in Drive as the director) I had to bend over backwards to try to make extra time to take some notes. The Neon Demon is very similar in tone and pace against Starry Eyes, which is absolutely a good thing. They are both extremely different however, as instead of being focused on Hollywood and the film business, this one primarily sets itself inside the catty, bitchy world of the fashion industry and the skeletor models that inhabit it. You have to have a certain weight, look, and empty attitude. Being ridiculously stuck-up and self-centered always helps getting in on that line of work as The Neon Demon promotes the fact that women that can't act like that just won't survive. There are a lot of other theme's below the surface here as well, and most of them are actually presented metaphorically in actual physical form in the film making for some strange scenes and acting/dialogue choices, but it all works to portray the fact that modeling is just as cruel a profession as anything else can be if the work culture ends up melding itself that way. 

Dead already huh...

Wouldn't taking a shower be easier?

  It's always party time.

There's to many bony bitches. Where's Christina Hendricks?

    Stop it. This red light is giving me a fucking headache.

Pavlov rang my bell.

 City skylines are always personal and romantic.

A lioness breaking into your hotel room. That's new.

This jackass is a pro at making Jesse feel way to uncomfortable.

All that glitters is gold.

Room full of skeletons.

Oh well you ugly bitch. Time to get a real job.

I'm not sure about the make-up either, but you look like Pennywise's coked out sister.

  To be fair, I really don't have anything to complain about when it comes to The Neon Demon. I liked it more than I expected. I thought I would like it just based on the fact that Nicolas Winding Refn was involved, but it's style, colors, camera work and overall structure far surpassed such a superficial fan-boy mind set. There is a lot to take in with this film, and you even have Keanu Reeves playing Jesse's dickard of a landlord at the motel she's living in in the film, which also adds a small layer of enjoyment and confusion at the same time. If you watched Starry Eyes and became a fan of that, give The Neon Demon a spin. It's basically the same idea just executed much differently, and it's fashion instead of film. I'm late to pose for these Calvin Klein tightie-whitie ads. Ciao.