Tuesday, January 31, 2017

High Tension


The last couple of times that I hung out with fellow trash-basher Steve Carpenter, I ended up borrowing an entire box full of NES games and High Tension on dvd. I have heard many great things about this French gore gem online in various places, and when I noticed that Steve had this hiding in plain sight on his horror shelf-I had to act. I was genuinely excited and asked him immediately if I could snag it. Of course he obliged, and I threw it in the huge box of NES carts in complete anticipation of what I was going to be a part of when I had the time to watch it. Let me tell you, zits and zombies-High Tension is no joke. Everything about this film is top notch-high rung. There are no bad spots, no flinching, twitching or shaking of any kind and it's extremely rare that any film achieves such a grand mark from any reviewer-regardless of level, experience and prestige. It just never happens. If I put together the best of the year instead of the worst, High Tension would be up there. How it's paced, the character interaction, intensity, score, wrap-around and twist culminate together to make the greatest goddamn crock-pot dinner you've never had the pleasure of consuming. And that, zits and zombies, is how a film should be made. 

I've never liked feet.

Does anyone ever have normal dreams?  

The French still haven't figured out what deodorant is yet, have they.

Having sex with a woman's severed head is on a whole new level of wrong.

Gak. Wall paper is the worst.

I have a feeling that you won't be glad that you met Alex's family in the near future.

Not Beethoven-Hendrix.

Single person parties are always a blast.

The whole family is dead now. So how about killing this asshole already?

C'mon you sick fuck. Don't kill the kid. Just don't.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but being chained up means he loves me.

 Overall, what blows my mind about High Tension is the twist towards the end. Everything else builds itself into what is to come once you get there, but this is seriously one hell of a ride. There are a lot of things that happen in this film that I just wasn't expecting, and much to my surprise, there was a scene that actually made me jump. Yeah, you read that right... I actually jumped at something. The mother in the family towards the beginning had already been chopped up by the killer, and Marie had witnessed that whole thing through the slits in the closet of the parents bedroom. She was hiding. What caught me off guard was when the camera just hangs there over the mother's stiff, dead face, and all of a sudden she starts moving and twitching-and that shit made me squirm in my chair. For real. That is just a sign of quality directing and cinematography because had this been any other picture, I wouldn't have reacted like that. No way. I highly suggest you watch this when the moment is right because if you don't, you're really missing out. Haute Tension. Haute Violence.  

Monday, January 30, 2017

Exterminator 2


Watching the main character in a cheesy-ass action flick from the 80's, torching people with a flamethrower gives me a warm, spicy feeling of happiness. Most of the time in Exterminator 2, we get to watch Mario Van Peebles and his cult of gang-riddled jackasses tie a cop to a subway track and get flattened, some degenerate on roller skates kidnaps random women to force them against their will to shoot up some heroine, listen to terrible synth scored riffage while John and his pal parooze the city in his modified garbage truck and snuff some gutter trash along the way. I really wish that action flicks were still being made like this-where any sort of over the top aggression is acceptable, no matter how violent and extreme it may be. Watching bottom feeding scum getting char-coaled into human toast is just something that I needed in my life recently, and I feel like a more complete person for partaking in it. I want to extend my hand in thanks to you Cannon Group for taking the time to distribute the sequel to the original Exterminator, because that means more flamethrowers, more dickheads on roller skates and more junkie turd-fucks getting crushed by the compactor in the back of a garbage truck. I love the world I live in. 

Burnin' up the city-with a flamethrower.

I wish I had the balls to have a flamethrower just lying around the living room.

Hunka, hunka burnin' love!

You know you're ready for the apocalypse when one of your guys is on roller skates.

Get down with shitty, 80's dance music and some free beer from the local watering hole.

You are the messiah of.... what? The Toe Cutter? Lord Humongous? Thunderdome??

Flare guns can't be that accurate.

The sacrifice of a pig.

Hooker: "Looking for a date, honey?" Exterminator: "I'm not that hungry."

This assclown needs to knock it off with those roller skates.

Drinking and driving. That's the ticket to 80's romance.

    Sometimes I wish that all you needed to get in a chicks pants was booze and a car. Wait... sometimes that is all you need. The universal key to un-doing a woman's pants is liquor. I'm seriously getting off track here. If what you need at this very moment is watching John donning a welding helmet, a backpack full of jelly-gas and a military grade ignition source cooking some Terran toast, then by all means... Exterminator 2 is for you my friend. Mario Van Peebles as X was an excellent choice, and he played the main villain with a precision that I haven't seen in any kind of film in quite some time. He was just a nasty bastard, and it fit the context of the film perfectly. You just wanted him to get whacked when the time was right. And boy, at the end, the time really was right. Now I'm just feeling hot under the collar. I'm going to stop writing now.    

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Scarecrow Slayer


After watching the first Scarecrow film recently, I had some decently high hopes that the sequel would be just as fun purely from a principle standpoint. Unfortunately, that isn't how my vision ended up. Even with the good graces and legendary acting skills of Tony Todd (The Candyman) couldn't even pull this one out of the mud pit. Scarecrow Slayer just outright swallows hairy rhino balls, and it really only made me laugh when the special effects were so horrid on-screen, that I really had no choice but to just sit in my chair and chuckle to myself. It's one of those horror films where I wish I drank an entire case of beer while I watched it because it would have been the only sane way to make it through. An endurance film. Like I said, this was such a let down that I fell asleep around the 50 minute mark two nights in a row, and I had to go back and try to re-watch the ending twice. Let me tell you, it wasn't worth it. I just hope that if I ever get around to consuming the third film in this franchise (Scarecrow Gone Wild) that it's at least somewhat better than this. Even if Tony Todd and Tiffany Shepis come back-they better not fuck it up.

That death... I... I don't know what to say.

It breaks my black, shriveled heart that Tiffany Shepis didn't come back for this.

  "The candy man can because he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good."

My wife would love that alien coffee mug.

Damn, these computer effects are cornier than the dump I took this morning.

Sometimes I wish I was agoraphobic.

"Mary, he has, like, 100 black belts! He can take care of himself!"

So, does the scarecrow still have Lester's spirit, or does it have David's now? I'm confused.

If Mushroomhead needs a new guitar player, the scarecrow is always a solid choice.

A main requirement to pass med school is to be a cheating bastard.

"She's fine, she's with doctors." Terrible, terrible logic.

  Terrible logic also consists of sitting down, getting some delicious food ready, cracking open a beer, and putting Scarecrow Slayer in your dvd player. There isn't anything redeeming about this film unless you are a diehard Tony Todd fan and you absolutely can't go on living unless you see every film he's ever been in. And even then you would be stretching it at that point because the original Scarecrow flick is entertaining in it's faulty state-the sequel isn't. Sorry Candyman fans, steer clear of this one. You should go get your sugar fix else where.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Spirit Camp


Spirit Camp is proof that prayer doesn't work because Jesus allowed this to be a modern slasher instead of an 80's one. And I was on my hands and knees begging for a lost retro gem. In place of that, I received a low-rent viewing of a slasher that contains shitty dialogue, despicable characters, kills of the pre-pubescent kind, and a horror film that should've been 20 minutes in length instead of 90. This was another one of those special moments in my horror viewing journey where I came extremely close to tapping out of this hobby all together because with teenage-sewer shit like this, it's almost not worth it to be a part of this community. A film that made me decide between lacing my doughnut holes with liquid drano before consuming them or trudging through this bullshit until the end made me question something-it's not my fault that the crew that made this movie cranked out a turd! So why should I give two rats asses? All that's going to happen is that it's going to end up on my top five worst in November. And that's all the credit I can give it.

Hot marshmallows.

In order to get laid, you can't hit on the fags in your cheer squad. Sorry.

I couldn't tell if that axe was green screen or CGI. Either way, it sucked.

Teenage, female thongs. Boing.

Oooh. A chubby cheerleader.

  Mrs. Haddonfield. Halloween homage.

I'm with Amber. I'm dozing off.

Yes. I would like you to stop so your bitchy daughter can walk the rest of the way.

Please, all of you girls just get killed already. Let me bang Amber and that chubby cheerleader first, and then proceed with the dying. Thank you for your cooperation.

 Even fat sheriffs love random panties.

If you haven't already figured it out, Spirit Camp just fucking sucked. There is a time and a place for long shots and padding in any film-but when every goddamn scene is five minutes longer than it should be... someone is going to get hurt. Mentally hurt. And they're not going to have the strength or the will to participate in anyone's stupid little games anymore. The best example I can think of after watching this horrific car wreck of a film is every single time Lindsay found weed or alcohol or anything like that that the girls in the squad wasn't supposed to have on them, she would bitch at them about it, confiscate it, walk from their cabin all the way to her cabin, start using the shit, sit down, yell for that fruity gay guy that was with her, get up, wash her hands, look for him, sit back down... it went on, and on, and on, and fucking on. And I swear this happened at least three or four different times. In between with Amber and her 500lb boyfriend getting nasty, Nikki getting lost in the woods and plenty of other pointless events that didn't really amount to anything, I just wanted this flat chested bore-fest to be over. And finally it was. And I still didn't get an apology from Jesus.       

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Evil Ed


I finally had the chance and the good graces to watch Evil Ed by way of streaming it from Amazon Instant Video. And it's on Prime which makes it all the more sweeter. There are many various VHS and dvd covers that go along with this film, but the one that caught my eye many years ago searching for this schlock online led me to the one where Ed's head is being split in half by a hatchet. That's the one that did it and solidified my stance on wanting to watch this. Obsessively. The power of cover art and marketing, my friends. It's a strong thing. And you know what-it worked. It stuck with me to the bitter end until I finally watched it last night... and I wasn't let down. You see, Ed has been having a lot of issues lately cutting the Loose Limbs series of movies for his boss, and he starts losing his shit. A dead guy with Bill Moseley's voice ends up in Ed's kitchen (even though it's in his head) a weird goblin/monster thing is living in the refrigerator, and lot's of innocent people become stabbed and maimed on the account that Ed can't handle all of the violence and bewbs he's been exposed to while editing these films. I personally think that would be the greatest job in the world, but it's not everyone's slice of cake. And maybe that frosting has to much sugar. That happens sometimes.

    I guess you could say that "Ed is all wrapped up in his work".

That door must be serious if you need an acetylene torch.

Where does a film editor have to go to acquire a hand grenade?

Look at those German beauties.

Can I work in the splatter and gore department? Pretty please?!

Plus one for a topless German version of Katy Perry in a fur coat. Minus one for Ed editing out the scene where she gets sliced up.

I wish the Loose Limbs series was real.

That voice very much sounds like Bill Moseley.

  It's all in your head, Ed.

Be careful with those film reels, you doofus! The Loose Limbs series must live on!

A Gremlin and a Hobgoblin had a child. I knew this would happen eventually.

Holy shit-I never thought I would see a Satan in a film on the same level as Tim Curry's from Legend

 By the time you reach the end of Evil Ed, you realize that this is a horror film made by the fans, for the fans of this genre. Specifically fans of The Evil Dead, Dead Alive and Peter Jackson. There were plenty of scenes, gore effects, camera angles and characters that reminded me of all three of those things; and the homages were paid. Yes indeed. The only one major thing about Evil Ed I didn't care to much for was how it ended up being paced. A lot of scenes felt very natural and quick, but then there were plenty of other spots that felt like twenty minutes instead of twenty seconds, and that became a problem very quickly because I was sitting there wondering if anything was going to happen. And of course, something eventually did happen, it just took longer than it should have. Overall zits and zombies, don't let Ed give you a splitting headache because he's a sap-embrace the mental exhaustion it takes to do this stuff. He's only going to be on Prime for so long.    

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Scarecrow


Before I purchased the double feature of Scarecrow and Scarecrow Slayer, I knew what I was getting myself into. I pre-emptively grew a culture in the back of my brain a long while ago when I first saw this dvd set that whispered words like "man in rubber suit" and "budget of $1,000", "piss poor acting" and anything else akin to the vocabulary that my b-movie seeking cerebellum could procure into something substantial. I have a problem with this. I never listen. Sometimes that ends up being good, and sometimes not so good. Either way, I some how end up being entertained. And you know what-the first Scarecrow film in this trilogy, in my honest opinion, was pretty worthy. The acting was dull, the dialogue was forced and lame, the kills were surprisingly gory and the scarecrow himself was the most agile horror movie villain I've probably ever seen. He was doing flips, cartwheels, spin-kicks, and all kinds of other acrobatics I wasn't expecting-all in the good name of decapitating people who trespassed in his corn field. He's a very territorial type of guy. I could tell that the people involved in making the films in this trilogy wanted this to be another iconic type of series much in the vein of Friday the 13th or Halloween or any of the other classic ones, but there's just no chance in hell that something like this would ever reach that plateau of celebrity. The production value just isn't there to back it up, and part of me wants to half way believe that that was on purpose.  

Now I'm just hoping that Tiffany Shepis shows her chest.

 Tip of the scythe.

Lame-ass kill.

Wow. I've had mentally abusive teachers before, but this one is a straight up bitch.

Tiffany Shepis with really short hair-ummm, fucking hot!

  Fire. Engine. Red.

I actually think that "scarecrow" is a pretty cool nickname.

Grand slam!

Drunken asshole! I hate close minded morons that can't appreciate great art.

Did the Disney Channel hire this band for this party? They suck!

 I never knew that Stephen King had a low-budget brother.

 Even scarecrow's fall on a hack job once in a while.

 There are an abundance of scarecrow horror movies out there, but zits and zombies, I'm telling you... Scarecrow was more entertaining than I expected it to be. All of the things that should be negatives against the movie that I mentioned above actually make it more charming than it should be. Even as dull and flaky as most of the characters act in this film, they help the film pull itself together into a nice, firmly packaged "what the hell did I just watch" kind of deal where you want to watch the sequel whether you like it or not. I haven't gotten around to watching Scarecrow Slayer yet, but when I do-I expect to see Tiffany Shepis' breasts hanging out at some point, and watching that rubber suit scarecrow flipping around all gymnast-like while chopping people's domes off and stabbing them in the ears with corn. Yeah, that actually happens. And so did this trilogy.     

Friday, January 20, 2017

Stone Cold (VHS)


Sometimes in life we all need things to be shot or blown up. Stone Cold provides plenty of testosterone filled explosions, people getting blown away by shotguns, Harley's and biker chicks in leather. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that Brian "The Boz" Bosworth  was one of the greatest action hero's of the 90's next to Arnold, Stallone, Van Damme, Norris and whoever else you can muster up to fill the ranks of ass-kicking, smart talkin' protagonist good guys saving lives and blowin' shiiiiiiiiittttt uuuuuupppppp. One other great, main appearance in Stone Cold is provided by none other than Lance Henriksen, who has been in other memorable roles in The Terminator, Aliens, Pumpkinhead and the voice of Admiral Steven Hackett in the Mass Effect video game series. Having two actors like Bosworth and Henriksen in the same picture is bound a be a great time, and if you can get your hands on a copy of this on any format, I suggest you do so. When I found my VHS copy at Goodwill randomly, I had no clue what it was. I never even heard of Brian Bosworth at that time, and now I'm seeking other Boz flicks. What do you know. Who knew that an ex-quarterback for the NFL could be so great at acting as a kick ass action star.

 C'mon, what did the Ritz and the Cheetohs ever do to you?

The fucking "Boz"! 

That dickhead really likes his Coca-Cola.

 William Tell with cans of Dixie beer and guns. Great biker game.

I've seen some pretty insane power shakes before, but I think the "Boz" has got it all wrong. 

No, no! Put some damn pants on!  

Never mind. I know why he wasn't wearing pants now. Lucky bastard.

Damn! He tossed that guy like he was still in the NFL!

He calls himself stone cold for a reason, motherfucker.

Scumbag #1.

"Let's just say that I saved the guy a fortune in q-tips."

Death, death, death, death....

My final say about Stone Cold is this- if you're in the mood for an action flick from the early 90's, but are bored with everything you've already seen a million times before and have never heard of it, track it down. It's the most fun I've had with cars, buildings, bikes and everything else going ka-blooey right in my face, and I will gladly watch this again when the season strikes. The only other action flick I've had this much fun with recently was Fast Gun, and I wrote a review for that quite some time ago. He may have been a lackluster quarterback when he played football, but damn it-this dude kills it in the shoot'em up films and that makes me smile ear to ear like Bozo just jizzed rainbow colored love juice all over Harley Quinn's twisted face. That was disgusting. I apologize. Now get out there and find the "Boz". He's our last hope.  

Thursday, January 19, 2017

The Peanut Butter Solution


We all experienced it-things that freaked us the fuck out when we were kids. Things we didn't really grasp or understand. Things that just didn't look right in our eyes as a child or just extremely disturbing happenings whether it be in a film or video game or t.v. show or what have you... and The Peanut Butter Solution seems to be the grand champion of childhood trauma. I have been scouring the internet for the better part of 3 or 4 years now trying to find a damn full, un-cut posting of this somewhere so I could experience it for myself, and pinpoint where all of these bizarre and twisted childhood memories were coming from. Not from yours truly, but from everyone else because I never had the horrific pleasure of watching this when I was 10 years old. Nope. I was to busy being emotionally damaged by the likes of the hell scene in All Dogs go to Heaven or the really fucked up clown scene in The Brave Little Toaster. That was (and still kind of is) my childhood damage I need to repair. But a lot of other adults in my generation have been really just hurt and bent by The Peanut Butter Solution. It was a quest that I had to embark upon because a kids movie that messed up that many people has to be seen.

And now that my search is over, all I have to say is "what the hell did I just watch"?! Ok, so... Michael and his friend Connie are screwing around on their way to school, they find the house that burned down the night before, Michael climbs in, gets frightened by something and loses all of his hair. Sounds stupid, right? Well, it gets much, MUCH more fucked up as it progresses. The only other details I'm going to displace here (in case you haven't seen it) is that after that happens, the rest of the movie entails kids getting kidnapped by a weirdo art teacher that calls himself The Signor, and he forces the children to wear orange prison-jumpsuit type outfits and make paint brushes for him to sell. Connie also puts a bunch of the peanut butter solution on his nuts and has pubes that grow so damn long and thick that the hair flows out of the bottom of his pants. Michael's hair gets so fucking long that it becomes a distraction in school and is kicked out because of it. There is much more out of context, awkward happenings to absorb in this film that would just take to long to talk about, but all I can say is even as an adult, this movie was just wrong and disturbing. I can't believe that this was made for children. I just can't. 

Your sister looks like a wretch, kid.

"Pizza face!"

The Asian kid eats the grapes.

Who cares about the ants, just step on them!

"Don't use your imagination!" You're an art teacher, teaching art to kids, and they're not supposed to use their imagination?! You sir are fired!

A mountain of trash makes children act brash.

I hate cats too.

   Michael is as bald as Sinead O'Connor!

How does a kid lose all of his hair from getting the shit scared out of him anyhow?

Bananas, eggs, soil, peanut butter... sounds like a disgusting concoction that could rival any application of Hair Club For Men's formulas.

      Ah, the sensational smell of crackers, eggs and purely voracious disappointment.

 I'm not going to say anything else about what happens in the film, but I do want to touch on the music briefly. The score for The Peanut Butter Solution is filled with candied, jellied, warbled keyboard synth riffs to ease anyone's twinge for weird, fever-dream music. After all of this time trying to dig up this kiddie-damage corpse, someone on Youtube finally posted the entire movie un-cut. And this is another one of those treasures that never made it past the VHS era. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, but in some really messed up way I'm glad it's there to ease everyone's pain as to whether or not they were dreaming what happened in the movie or not. Even being all grown up, the idea of smearing peanut butter on your bald head to grow your hair back is absurd, but so is having pubes so long they billow out of the bottom cuffs of your jeans. Jesus Christ. I'm not eating pb & j's for a while. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Standing in the Bloodlight: Caroline Williams


For the month of January, I would like to have standing in the bloodlight-Ms. Caroline Williams.

My first encounter with the striking southern belle, Caroline Williams, was my initial viewing of Tobe Hooper's cult sequel to his pinnacle horror masterpiece-The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2. I fell in love with her character "Stretch" as she promptly played the role of a radio disc jockey somewhere in Texas, playing muzak for normal working class droodges to absorb on their way to and from their places of employment. But of course, this has to take place in the general area in whence Leatherface (and the rest of the Sawyers) have committed such heinous acts of murder. Always on wit and full of spice, Caroline Williams is a female fright actress that always appeals and entertains no matter what the film is about and nails her characters every time. Her resume is pretty extensive-also including non-horror appearances such as Grey's Anatomy, Nip/Tuck, The Division, NYPD Blue, and Days of Thunder just to name a small portion. 

    
 Full horror appearances:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 (1986)

Stepfather 2 (1989)

Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)

Sins of the Mother (1991 T.V. Film)

Leprechaun 3 (1995)

Halloween II (2009)

The Unleashed (2011)

Monsterpiece Theater Vol 1. (2011)

Abolition (2011)

The Profane Exhibit (2013)

Hatchet III (2013)

Contracted (2013)

Tales of Poe (2014)

Seed 2 (2014)

Tales of Halloween (2015)

Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016 T.V. Film)

Blood Feast (2016)

Fantasma (2017)

*All films and dates have been sourced from IMDB.com*  

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Gregory's Gory Giveaway!


Zits and zombies! I have some really cool movies to share with you!

As of late, I have been upgrading small parts of my collection here and there, and as a result, I have a small stack of movies that I need to spread out to you guys as a contest-full token of my appreciation for you dead-beats being fans of Cinema Slayer!

 The only requirement to enter the contest is that you must be a member of the Cinema Slayer group on Facebook! If you leave comments on the actual blog with the numbers you choose to win what I have in store, I will not accept it. Mainly because, whoever wins, it makes it easier for me to send a message to the winner so I can get your address to have these fleshy body parts shipped out to you!

All you have to do is join the group on Facebook and post a comment under the link with three numbers between 1-100, and whoever gets closest to the three numbers that I have wins everything! It's that simple! 

Here's the winnings:

 All 7 Saw films (dvd)

Leprechaun 1-4 pack (dvd)

Astronomy 101 which contains Spaceballs/The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai/Killer Klowns From Outer Space (dvd)

  20th Anniversary two disc set of David Cronenberg's The Fly (dvd)

Phantasm (dvd)

Evil Dead 2 (dvd)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 Gruesome Edition (blu-ray) 

And as an added bonus, inside the case of the Texas 2 blu-ray, I'm also including an unused download code for a surprise film!

So what are you waiting for! Get your limbs back together and enter this thing!

(The deadline to enter is February 1rst. Any numbers posted in the group after that will not be looked at. Thank you!) 

Monday, January 16, 2017

The Mutilator (a.k.a Fall Break)


I've had my keen, bloodshot eye on The Mutilator ever since the Arrow Video blu-ray release was announced quite sometime ago. I did find a physical copy of it one time in an F.Y.E in the Fox Valley Mall here in Aurora, but I wasn't going to pay $32.99 for it. Any blu-ray, I don't care what it is, doesn't need that kind of a price tag. I know that F.Y.E has a bad habit of over-pricing their stock, but c'mon man-a slasher film that came out back in January of 1985 that has been remastered, packed full of extras and shoved onto a blu-ray disc shouldn't cost that much. $20 at the most. Not $32.99. Sheesh. The idea behind The Mutilator is an accidental act of psychological turmoil-and might actually happen-where a father's son wants to do something nice for his birthday so he decides to start cleaning papa's guns. And what happens? You guessed it... one of them is loaded, and the little tyke blows his mom away while she's in the middle of making daddy's birthday cake! (I hope those pussy-whipped anti-gun liberals never have a chance to see this film.) His dad comes home and sees his wife has a huge hole in her stomach and mentally falls apart. 20 years later, he stalks and kills most of his sons friends in his beach-side condo. Happy birthday, dad.

   Make sure that birthday cake is perfect now.

Every young boy should learn how to clean his father's rifles.

He fucking blew his mom away!

Back when phone booths still existed.

I'm sorry bro, but you're not even close to being a redhead.

 Jiving to a black guy about being discriminated. Now that's funny.

I feel like I'm watching the intro to an 80's sitcom.

There sure are a lot of "accidents" in this family, aren't there.

Always in the mood for some peaches and cream.

Chlorine may prevent you from getting herpes? That's rich.

I'm not to fond of cops either, but this guy is going just a bit to far.

As a slasher, The Mutilator is kind of generic in the sense that it's a main killer stalking people and killing them. That's fair enough. But what isn't fair to automatically place upon this artistic offering is how these people are killed. People get split with an axe, a chick gets a whaling hook stabbed into her genitalia and ripped through the top of her jeans, people's heads get lobbed off, a dude gets shredded by motor boat propellers.... all in the name of this guy's wife, who was blown away on accident 20 or so years prior. I get it-you're angry because your son accidentally shot your wife. But do all of his friends have to die too? Yeah, I guess. Or else there wouldn't be a movie. My final thought is that this film is silly, excruciatingly brutal and has just enough teenage energy to set itself apart. Now that I watched it on Amazon Instant Video, do I want the blu-ray? Yes, by all means yes-I'm just not going to pay $32.99 for it. Make sure the safety is on on that thing. No one else needs to die here.   

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Phantasm Remastered (blu-ray)


There really isn't anything I can possibly say about the original Phantasm that hasn't already been said in any other reviews of it because, well, it's a horror fanatic classick. It flows and sways like blood spraying out of an arterial wound, and it's hard to get it to stop doing so. A lot of fans have said that this film (or even the whole series for that matter) really doesn't make to much sense. But, I honestly think it's simple. The Tall Man is from another dimension and he needs slaves to do his bidding there because he's evil and he loves crushing people's corpse's into dwarf sized minions. If you take away all of the other non-sense like the fact that Reggie drives an ice cream truck for a living or that Jody wears a really stupid looking bowling hat while he plays an electric Fender guitar out on the front porch, then the plot all falls into place and you can go from there. The remastered blu-ray of the original Phantasm looks fucking gorgeous as a lot of the scenes have been color corrected and the 1080p transfer is just outstanding. A film this old should not look or sound this good, but boy, does it ever. Well Go Entertainment, you nailed it. I'd love to shake your hand, but it's not physically possible. I just don't associate with quadrupeds.

Graveyard sex. Oh yeah, baby.

Now that's a mansion. Or a mausoleum?

Someone took the blue acid.

    A little aggressive, aren't we Tall Man?

No way he picked up that casket by himself.

It's hard not to fear when his hand is caught inside some random black box!

Yo Reggie-give me two scoops of that mint chocolate chip in a waffle cone. And play me some of them blues.

Tune forks make me giggle.

Why do you people insist on banging in a cemetery?

I don't think I can go to bed for a while now.

Apparently, The Tall Man loves Reggie's dry ice.

This may be the first film I can think of where when someone gets killed, they actually pee themselves. Bravo on the realism.

If you have been on the fence (or just haven't had a chance) about upgrading an older format of Phantasm to this remastered blu-ray, by all means, get on it. Well Go did an amazing job like I stated earlier, and this really is the best looking and sounding this is probably ever going to get. I'm just hoping that in the near future they get around to putting the entire series on blu-ray, or even putting them all into a box set. That would be a wish that I could make on one of the Leprechaun's gold coins. And hey-even a twisted horror freak like me has hopes and dreams.     

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Clown


On any given day consisting of a conversation centered around the name Eli Roth, normally would make me smile. Ear to ear. Just like a clown. A clown. I do not like clowns. Just like most films, Clown has it's ups and downs, but I just found it to be oppressed and kind of flat. I felt that gore/terror master Eli Roth held back for whatever reason, and this offering suffered. A very well-to-do father that is a well established real estate agent is having a birthday party for his son. The clown they hired for the party doesn't show up, so he snoops around one of his properties and finds a clown suit in pristine condition, locked away in a chest. He dons it, nails it at his sons party, and everyone has a memorable time. The next day, he tries to get the suit off, but to no avail. The damn thing just won't come off. I know this is where the film is supposed to start conveying the feeling of weirdness and dread-but I felt nothing. Clown fell flat to me the entire run time because I just never felt like I was in danger or had any real sense of urgency. I personally just didn't give a shit that this guy was stuck in a clown costume. And that's my main problem with this film-it didn't give me any reason to care.

Clowns are scary.

 I hate clowns too.

I'm sure your dad wouldn't give a shit if he misses the clown.

The house is a fucking mess. It looks like IT was stabbed in there.
 
 Using a power saw to get the clown suit off is a very bad idea.

 Just shave your head. It would be a lot easier.

Sweet loogie.

 Wow, I mean, I always knew clowns were messed up, but that's evil.

First Bozo, now Dummo.

 So, in this story, clowns are sort of like Krampus.

Stay away, kid, stay very far away.

 If you took the story of Krampus, and replaced him with a clown, that's basically what you have here. An evil, demon clown that lures children in to be eaten at his mountain cave-lair because he's hungry. Whoever wears the suit slowly gets changed into this thing, and I will admit that it is pretty damn wrong looking, but I still just think this whole thing could've been avoided if this kid's dad would've have just accepted the fact that the clown wasn't going to show up to his son's birthday party. Boo friggity hoo. I'm going to get back to reading a real clown story called IT by Stephen King. Eli Roth, I'm disappointed in you. You were my number one film student-what happened? 

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Bride of Chucky (blu-ray)


I very briefly mentioned in my Box Set-itis post about the Chucky Collection set that really the only movie from the franchise I have any sort of history with is Bride of Chucky. My friend Wokas and I rented this on VHS back when we were in seventh grade along with Joe's Apartment, and we had a fantastic sleepover watching both films in a row until about three or so in the morning. Pretty much, the only thing I remember from watching this so long ago was Jennifer Tilly bouncing her breasts all over the screen and making Wokas and I drool all over our sleeping bags. It's a glorious memory. I just wished I had a bigger appreciation for this film back then because I would have more nostalgia to add, but alas, I do not. I will admit, however, that Bride of Chucky really is a great horror flick, and I say that any of you zits and zombies should digest it whenever you can whether you're into this series or not. The budget was higher, it features an insanely well known cast, and, well... again, Jennifer Tilly burns up the screen with those gigantic, blonde, love melons. I'm glad I'm writing this at 10pm instead of 10am because morning wood is a bitch. 

Lockport Police Department, what?!

Oooohh, Jennifer Titty, I mean Jennifer Tilly!

Rob Zombie!!!!

  Stitching and stapling evil back together.

Goddamn I miss John Ritter.

 Damian is a candy-ass.

Needle nose makes'em blow.

I don't think The Ritter is bluffing.

 "Sweet dreams, asshole."

I do enjoy a bubble bath once in awhile.

What a crock.

"I wouldn't marry you if you had the body of G.I. Joe."

Needle nose strikes again.

Chucky and his bride dance with Mary Jane.

Bride of Chucky is like taking a Good Guys doll on a joy ride to go rob a bank. On the way there, you don't really think a whole lot is going to happen, and then all of a sudden you're in the middle of a car chase on the highway, dodging the cops at 90mph with a huge bag of money, some loaded 9mm's and a jelly doughnut that you accidentally smeared all over your face while you're trying to concentrate on driving. It starts off kind of dumb and slow, but it keeps building on itself until the end pops out like a sweet, high school grade pimple that leads right into the next film in the series. Here's one last thing I'll add-if you liked Team America World Police, you'll dig this because it's basically like the evil, horror film version of that. If you've seen this, you know what I mean. If not, go ahead-find out for yourself. Oh, and stay out of Chucky's way... he's about to get lucky.      

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

The Corpse Grinders


A trashy layer of grit, dirt and greed exhumes this picture into a drive-in classic status that I presume could only be achieved by the disgusting guise of The Corpse Grinders. I really wish and want to give full disclosed credit to the late, great Herschell Gordon Lewis for this one, but I can't. He had nothing to do with this film, and that actually makes me quite ecstatic because that means that there are other filmmakers out there that have just as much of a damaged imagination as The Godfather of Gore. Beautiful. Magnifique. Superb. I went into this thinking that it was just going to be a boring 70's "gore" let-down, but I was wrong. It is one from that era of terror where it grabs hold of you right when it starts, and it won't let up it's grasp. The cat biting that woman at the beginning is painful and awkward, but somehow it sucks you in to watch the rest. At least that's what it did to me. When the Lotus cat food company starts running out of ingredients, they stumble upon the fact that cats love human flesh. Of course, you know the rest. It's obvious. Even just from the poster itself, I'm sure you've already figured everything else out. 

Cute girls always smoke.

Homeliest couple ever to wet my eyes.

Dead, shocked corpses. And a loud duck out of nowhere.

I'm not even going to ask why there is a doll at the table that has to be fed soup.

Someone call the fire department, this one's out of control!

Nurses are my thang.

I knew there was a reason why I hate cats.

 Caleb must be pretty desensitized to be eating some jerky while digging up the dead.

Vomiting sounds like a sane thing to do at the moment.

Felines love human flesh.

 Charlie didn't kill Sharon! It was a black cat!

Whatever you have to do to make some cash, even if that means killing random patrons and shoving them into the meat grinder. The Corpse Grinders really is just another expose' telling the story of these two jackasses that let the almighty dollar sign get in the way of their morality, and people get ground up into the Lotus cat food for high profit. That's the only way I can explain this ghastly 70's film, and that's the only way I'm going to explain it. Even though it seems like I've been putting this down the whole time, really, I haven't. I dug into this with my cat claws and found a solid weirdo movie that I want to have a copy of on dvd whenever I can find one. Now, If you'll excuse me, I have some cat nip to smoke.      

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Rock N' Roll Nightmare (a.k.a The Edge of Hell)


Watching a heavy metal horror film that stars Jon-Mikl Thor as himself, sporting leather granny panties with steel studs is one thing. But once really half-assed puppets are introduced that have absolutely nothing to do with the plot or happenings therein, it turns from a weird, homoerotic rock-a-thon into a version of Sesame Street that begs the question if Jim Henson was really on acid or LSD. And, as far as I know, no, Jim Henson never did such things, but you never know. People do things they never tell anyone about. Out of all of the heavy metal cult movies I've watched over the last five or six years, this one sits on top as being one of the most in your face, what the fuck just happened type of experiences because there really is no way to explain a movie like Rock N' Roll Nightmare. I'm not even entirely sure that I even liked or enjoyed any of it because once the ending came and Thor started fighting the main monster-villain-thing, I wanted to vomit. The whole experience made me want to hurl into a bowl of veggie noodle soup and force feed it to Thor himself for actually going through with this and wrapping this puppy up. On the other hand, there were scenes that made me smile, laugh and wonder if life was real or not. So, which ever side you sit on on this particular piece of art, Rock N' Roll Nightmare will make you question your existence. 

Bacon pancakes, makin' bacon pancakes.

Ahh! The crypt keeper lives in my oven!

I didn't know there was an alternate title for this-The Edge of Hell. Cool title card.

 Metal!!!!   

It's difficult for me to respect a guy that's blasting some of the most despicable 80's synth music ever written while driving an oversized white van with handcuffs hanging from the rear view. Can't do it. 

Why is the band manager wearing an "official member of the Archie fan club" jacket?

"No sweat, sweet knees."

My my, what nice breasts you have.

Casey Jones takes a bite.

 Aussie's always have sex with sunglasses on.

"I'm sure Phil's not dead or anything, or else he would have called."

At the very least, Rock N' Roll Nightmare is a solid, but bizarre way to kill 90 minutes if your just in the mood for something that makes no sense what-so-ever. The puppets are terrible, the special effects are abysmal, and you get to witness Thor taking a shower with his girlfriend for about 15-20 minutes straight. Just making out and fondling each other in the shower. Blech. But for every wrong reason there is to watch this, there's a right reason that goes along with it because it takes you to an alternate reality that these types of films rarely take their viewers to. A chunk of otherworldly strangeness where dead, burnt men pop out of the oven, slimy, cycloptic puppets drink coffee and Thor (barely) fights a demon/Satan looking thing in his recording studio donning leather granny panties with steel studs. There isn't anything else to say, zits and zombies. Put on some Slayer and crank that shit up!   

Monday, January 9, 2017

555


Don't be fooled by the fruity looking pink box on 555-that's there to get your attention. It breeds a certain level of hypnotic violence as behind the rosy pink layer, a man is clearly getting decapitated. Why? Well, he was doing it with a woman of course! We all should know by now that anytime two people are about to engage in some kind of sexy time, someone has to get killed. That's just the law of horror films. And the number 555 makes you wonder as well... what does it all mean? It's such an enigmatic cover for such a gruesome release. Wally Koz directed and produced the entertainment within, and sadly, this is the only film he's ever done. The only thing I can tell you is that if you're into S.O.V. horror or just really low budgeted fright flicks, than this is for you. It was made for you. In blood vivid video. Every five years, on the fifth month for five consecutive days, people gettin' nekkid will get whacked by a hippie that resembles Charles Manson. Yeah. You get what you get. 

Interracial in the 80's.

That blood looks warm.

Just more sexy time.

Damn, this hippie is a brutal bastard. It's not Charles Manson, is it?

Well, that's the cheapest looking cop car ever employed in a horror flick.

Jew-fro officer. N.Y.P.D.

Nice place ya' got here, grandpa. What with all of those swords and knives and all.

Susan, I didn't know you could look so... delectable.

A stogie, a mullet, and a grease stained sleeveless. The 80's were a great time for fashion.

Whet and wild.

Weed, boobs, and a thirst for blood.

The 555 killer looks like a hippie/neanderthal version of Tom Savini.

After my initial viewing of 555 was over and done with, I really was blown away by how twisted and brutal this turned out to be. Pretty much all S.O.V. horror fare has it's share of gore and violence, but the way that some of these people are killed in here makes you physically feel it. You can imagine how it would feel to get stabbed or cut the way that some of the people do during this, and that goes to show the effectiveness of it's prose. I believe that it was ahead of it's time (not by much) and I'm hoping since Massacre Video decided to put this back into print again (on dvd and vhs) more collector's and viscera fiends have a chance to see this masterpiece of violence for what it is. A healthy, angry slab of 80's angst where horror fanatics used this as a vent to get their aggression's out with. Makes me smile. I just have to make sure I don't get caught fooling around. Hotchka!  

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Cooties


I always forget the fact that Elijah Wood is really into horror. Who knew that Frodo wanted to be in a modern zombie flick similar in structure to Dawn of the Dead, where a small group of adults get pinned inside an elementary school filled with brain crazed children. His character is some loser that still resides at his mothers home, and has the grandiose dream of becoming the next New York Time's Best Selling author. In the mean time, he lands a job as a teacher at the grade school by his mother's house, and then a girl eats the most disgusting chicken nugget I've ever seen in the history of processed meat products. Brings me back to my McDonald's days. Once that happens, all hell breaks loose and we have a zombie flick involving tons of kids that need to be shot, burned and maimed, and a bunch of pussy-whipped teachers that really don't know how to defend themselves. Except, of course, the gym teacher. Even the woman teacher that keeps talking about protecting the second amendment really is pushed in a corner at first until everyone starts gaining momentum and confidence to fight back. Oh yeah, there's a kid in this film named Patriot. Yup, that's his real first name. He's an asshole.

That's an easy way to get dinner.

Now I know why processed meat is damn disgusting.

Maybe you shouldn't be a writer.

Fatty's kind of lost, not being on the show Lost. Eww. That was kind of bad. I thought it was funny.

 Damn right. Illinois needs to get their hands out of each others pants and pass some solid concealed carry law.

Analog tv's. Love it!

Hating on Illinois. I'm right behind you, lady.

I want to strangle this Patriot kid.

Well, that escalated quickly.

All of this because of some bad chicken nuggets.

Please. Destroy all of the cell phones.

Severed head tether ball. I'd play it.

Finally, someone killed one of the kids.

 It's fringing on the edge of wrong when kids start getting killed, but when they are brain hungry zombies, I don't think that line exists anymore. I mean, everyone has wanted to stab or shoot a kid at some point, haven't they? Because they are annoying, expensive, selfish, bratty pieces of flesh, but maybe in this film as zombies they are personified as real. Maybe when they act out, this is how they really are. And as parents or surrogates, we need to smack them in the face with a 2x4 once in a while to calm them down and keep them in line. Go ahead, call the cops... if any of you reading this have kids, my words are justified. I'm not afraid. Oh, Cooties isn't that bad of a flick. I rather enjoyed it, but it's not something I'm going to run out and buy a copy of though. School sucks anyway.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Blown


This is something special. And when you're dealing with something special, you have to take the reigns... grab it by the horns. Let it know who's boss. Blown isn't anywhere near being my boss. It makes me feel queasy. This "film" makes me question humanity and everything that makes it what it is. I start asking questions like "why the hell does a horror flick that centers it's focus on a killer blow-up doll exist?" and "who thought this was a good idea?" I think the only thing I can muster after wondrously burning calories on my ass in my computer chair is simply this: Sitting through all 55 minutes of Blown's full run-time has to be the Guinness Book's world record for the longest suicide attempt ever recorded. And there you have it. No more, no less. I'm not going into anymore detail because I've already decided that no matter what else I watch for the rest of the year, this is it. This is the number one worst film of my year. And I don't think anything will get me to budge.

I'm already anticipating this to be a nice slab of "mastercrap theater".

"This is ass!" Does this guy think he's James Rolfe or something?

 Sloppiest voodoo priestess I've ever witnessed.

Huh. Shrunken heads drink beer. You learn something new everyday.

Cinematography consisting of zooming in on some dude's nose while he's laughing is just amateur craziness.

    I don't think I want to follow a guy in his 70's through a porn store after he just zipped up his fly.

As a man, I like porn just as much as any other guy, but sweet Jesus. It's not that important.

Who the hell directed this, David Prior?

 Sorry. Fake tits. Moving on.

The initial kill by the blow-up doll is sooooooooo fucking disappointing. That's what I get.

After organizing these notes, I've realized something- I have two things to apologize for. The first thing is that I shouldn't have asked if Blown was directed by David Prior because he gave us a couple of cult classics by the names of Sledgehammer and Killer Workout (aka Aerobicide). The reason I scribbled that into my notes ever so viciously was because there is a lot of slow-mo padded scenes contained herein, and even though I didn't like it, it reminded me of the slow-mo in Sledgehammer. So, David Prior, I firmly and wholeheartedly apologize. The second apology goes to you zits and zombies for even making you aware of this movie at all. My condolences. I hope you're happy, Abnormal Entertainment. You've thoroughly destroyed the last tiny grouping of brain cells that I had left. And I was saving those so I could learn how to do my own laundry tomorrow. You sons of bitches.