Spirit Camp

Spirit Camp is proof that prayer doesn't work because Jesus allowed this to be a modern slasher instead of an 80's one. And I was on my hands and knees begging for a lost retro gem. In place of that, I received a low-rent viewing of a slasher that contains shitty dialogue, despicable characters, kills of the pre-pubescent kind, and a horror film that should've been 20 minutes in length instead of 90. This was another one of those special moments in my horror viewing journey where I came extremely close to tapping out of this hobby all together because with teenage-sewer shit like this, it's almost not worth it to be a part of this community. A film that made me decide between lacing my doughnut holes with liquid drano before consuming them or trudging through this bullshit until the end made me question something-it's not my fault that the crew that made this movie cranked out a turd! So why should I give two rats asses? All that's going to happen is that it's going to end up on my top five worst in November. And that's all the credit I can give it.

Hot marshmallows.

In order to get laid, you can't hit on the fags in your cheer squad. Sorry.

I couldn't tell if that axe was green screen or CGI. Either way, it sucked.

Teenage, female thongs. Boing.

Oooh. A chubby cheerleader.

  Mrs. Haddonfield. Halloween homage.

I'm with Amber. I'm dozing off.

Yes. I would like you to stop so your bitchy daughter can walk the rest of the way.

Please, all of you girls just get killed already. Let me bang Amber and that chubby cheerleader first, and then proceed with the dying. Thank you for your cooperation.

 Even fat sheriffs love random panties.

If you haven't already figured it out, Spirit Camp just fucking sucked. There is a time and a place for long shots and padding in any film-but when every goddamn scene is five minutes longer than it should be... someone is going to get hurt. Mentally hurt. And they're not going to have the strength or the will to participate in anyone's stupid little games anymore. The best example I can think of after watching this horrific car wreck of a film is every single time Lindsay found weed or alcohol or anything like that that the girls in the squad wasn't supposed to have on them, she would bitch at them about it, confiscate it, walk from their cabin all the way to her cabin, start using the shit, sit down, yell for that fruity gay guy that was with her, get up, wash her hands, look for him, sit back down... it went on, and on, and on, and fucking on. And I swear this happened at least three or four different times. In between with Amber and her 500lb boyfriend getting nasty, Nikki getting lost in the woods and plenty of other pointless events that didn't really amount to anything, I just wanted this flat chested bore-fest to be over. And finally it was. And I still didn't get an apology from Jesus.