Thursday, June 29, 2017

All Through The House

After all of this time, you zits and zombies should know that I really dig my Christmas horror flicks. My personal favorite that still hasn't been dethroned is the almighty Christmas Evil. I would rather watch that than Christmas Story or Christmas Vacation if I had the ultimate choice. But there's a new contender that I finally got around to watching last night called All Through The House-and this version of Santa is just fucking brutal. He doesn't care about anything except killing all of the hot chicks and douche-bag boyfriends he can possibly find. And these kills are gory as hell, especially the two scenes where random guys' dicks get lobbed off by Santa's hedge trimmers, or when the blonde at the beginning gets the blades shoved into both of her eyes at the same time. Merciless killing at it's finest. That leads me to one of this movie's flaws however-character development. There really isn't any. Most of the people that get sliced in here are just there and Santa has a jolly old time cutting them up. Which is fine, but I at least want some kind of small reason as to why these people are there. In any case, I really enjoyed All Through The House for what it is-a straight up visceral thrill ride of a Christmas slasher that pours on loads of gore and plenty of boobs.

Santa doesn't like naughty little boys.

Pretty Christmas lights.

I'm not racist, but why does her boyfriend have to be black? Are we all supposed to assume these days that all bigger girls date black men?

Wow, Santa is a brutal motherfucker!

Pour me a shot of that holiday whisky.

Ok-that wasn't a fucked up dream.

Well.... hoe, hoe hoe. I mean, ahem. This is a Christmas movie. Pull yourself together, man.

That's two, make it two severed penis' by way of Santa's hedge clippers. And the cat is eating it. Wow.

There's always deep rooted psychological issues when you have Christmas dinner with a female mannequin, a Santa statue and a teddy bear.

Damn, Kris Kringle is festive this year.

If you're looking for something different (and really bloody) this Christmas, try out All Through The House. Another positive thing I can say about this film is that the cinematography, lighting, use of color and production values are way higher than I expected them to be, and there are artifacts of the Christmas spirit in pretty much every scene. It gets you in the mood for some hot chocolate and some egg nog really quickly, and I kind of wanted to go thrifting to find some new decorations so that I could use them in November and December later this year. Thanks, evil Santa. Just don't lob off my penis. I need that for later.

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