Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

During my long and kind of pointless tenure at my previous employer (before I was so stupidly fired) I found out about this cult Canadian film through a co-worker. He told me that when he was growing up, his parents used to own a movie rental store and Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter was one of the random ones he went home with one night to just watch for the hell of it on VHS. I'm sure that was something. He also told me that he watched all of the Faces of Death volumes and other grotesqueness that lined the shelves at his parents rental shop. But Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter sounded interesting. And hilarious. And me being me, I had to hunt down a copy for my moldy-ass collection. If I recall correctly, that very weekend when I drove over to Disc Replay, they had three or four copies of it in the horror section. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! I slapped my green down, brought it home, and later that night (or early morning rather) I took the disc out of the case, stood there with my thumb and index fingers holding it up with the ceiling light glaring off of it exclaiming "you better be right, Powerhouse" as I shoved it into my dvd player. Boy, was he ever. To bad I'll never see him again.  

Sloppiest Rabbi ever to practice.

A priest with a huge mohawk. This is going to be fun.

This music is like something out of Shadowgate mixed with The Terminator.

     Lesbian vampires. Cool. And sexy.

Ride a moped.

See, now, if Jesus was an actual person I could talk to or hang out with, I'd be more inclined to be religious. 

Ha! Jesus got kicked in the nuts!

Now that the Son of God got a haircut and a shave, he looks like Randy Blythe from Lamb of God. Coincidence?

If this huge group of idiots are Atheists, instead of physically fighting Jesus, wouldn't they be questioning if this guy really is Jesus?

Mary Magnum has a fat ass.

This guy is perfect as a mad doctor.

 Looks like Jesus got his ass beat.

If God started talking to me through a bowl of ice cream, I would jump head first into the Grand Canyon.

There are so many things wrong with Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter that just turn out to be right. I can't explain it, but I think that even if you're extremely religious and you give this flick a shot, you'd still get a kick out of it. The idea of Jesus going out into the world and physically fighting vampires (Lesbian ones. We need to remember that.) alone is enough to make anyone want to watch this one out of pure curiosity-and what you get is a musically-inclined lesbo-vampire flick where Jesus looks like the frontman for a popular metal band and a really fat lucha libre' named Santos gets hitched with a butch looking bi-chick that none of us would ever touch. Zits and zombies, this film is ridiculous and and it will make you laugh out loud because of how absurd it truly is. If you find a church where the priest has a long, red mohawk, listens to punk and preaches the good word about Jesus-let me know. I'll get my ass out of bed for that sermon.