The Curse On Blanchard Hill

I should've just watched Blue Sunshine. Everytime I'm on Hulu Plus checking out their horror stock, I see it in the "all" list and the cover art grabs me. I want to watch it. But because I'm some weird, stubborn anti-self protein construct, I always end up indulging in some other shit fest that I know I'm going to enjoy just as equally. But not this time. This time was a terrible mistake. I shouldn't have bothered. My fellow cohort of crap cinema and co-worker Steve (not Steven from my Escape from Tomorrow walk-through, this is a different Steve) lent me this low budget film set entitled "Freakshow Cinema." And boy what a freakshow it truly is. Just judging from The Curse on Blanchard Hill on it's own two legs (or however many it does or doesn't have) I don't think that Mill Creek could've picked a better theme for this film collection. The Curse on Blanchard Hill has to be the worst, most taxing endurance film that I've probably ever watched or ever wanted my time back from. The Canuxploitation film "Things" has more entertainment value than this fucking atrocity to mankind. (face-palm) I really don't know where to go from here beyond this lead-in paragraph that I normally start off with, so let's just dive head first into this heap of dinosaur dung without a swim suit.
  
Wading in your friends above ground pool with dead bugs and leaves floating around in the water is healthier than watching this "film".

  
I think I'd rather be working.

  
The movie opens ever so boringly with a bunch of nature footage such as waterfalls, leaves, plants, trees, a water bug for no reason and black and white footage of plastic bottles covered in dirt. Whatever. It's spring 1985. A buick/oldsmobile looking car parks on the side of the road. A Tunnel Snake from Fallout 3 gets out of the car. He starts filming shit because he feels like it. He walks a path up the side of a hill. He films more shit. He looks at the forest for 10 years and then we see chickens and a squirrel. Hmph. All of a sudden he's getting brutally murdered by NO ONE and we see edited flashes of spiders and snakes. WORST FUCKING OPENING EVER.

  
 22 years later. Sweet Jesus. The ugliest set of campers on these here 9 rocks of our solar system are walking up to the camp site set to some chick with a warmly mediocre singing voice singing "She'll be coming 'round the mountain." I need some Tylenol. Better yet, get me some needles to punch holes in my eardrums. Did this chick just say "don't hold your wiener that close" and then bites the hotdog she's roasting? Then the guy pretends to suck on it. Gay-ness already and were only 8 minutes in. I can't wait. Who's that with the sunglasses? Crispin Glover's z-grade brother?

  
 More wiener roasting and dumb dick jokes. Shoot me already. A Layne Staley wannabe and his actually decent looking plus size girlfriend show up in his whip. That's what the kids refer to cars as these days. Really stupid air-compressor sounding music plays, Layne Staley and sexy plus size are going at it and some guy with a machete shows up. He then stabs them both through the stomach at the same time. More air-compressor music. Then we see them bleed for literally about 2 minutes. Then we get the pleasure of listening to z-grade Crispin telling a really pointless urban legend about Blanchard Hill. I personally don't care. 

  
We cut to see the sports authority version of Jason Vorhees (or someone like that) complete with machete, adidas running break-away pants and flannel. He slits Frodo's cousin's neck, he bleeds for 30 seconds, flannel Jason rips his tongue out and flings it back on his face. He's a gentleman you know. Z-grade Crispin is doing a nature walk all by his lonesome while drinking a massive bottle of rubbing alcohol. It's no worse than everclear. That waterfall is freaking loud. He then takes a big swig and screams very loudly for no logical reason at all. He's mentally stable. Park ranger Gomer sees the couple that got stabbed earlier, makes idiotic faces, screams and does the technocolor yawn.

  
 THESE PEOPLE ARE SO DAMNED BORING. One of the ugly girls sees some crushed raspberries in the grass. She runs. Z-Grade Crispin touches it for whatever reason and then we see some guy that hasn't bathed in awhile eating potato chips. Some of them fall out of his mouth. Flannel Jason stabs dirty chip guy in the back and he bleeds for about 10 seconds. Now we get to see the two shittiest "cops" ever hired by any kind of law enforcement agency. Fake-stache Wahlburg is making breakfast and he has trouble cutting a block of Spam. Once Overweight Jack White gets done snorting a line, they grab their badges, get fucked up some more and head out to Blanchard Hill. When is this going to end?

  
 Park ranger Gomer runs into Fake-stache Wahlburg and Overweight Jack White and he shows them that dead couple. "At least they got to screw before they died, at least." Then Overweight Jack White throws Layne's condom on Gomer's cowboy hat. I laughed. "Isn't there a furry convention going on this weekend? I hope a hunter doesn't mistake a forest animal for one of those furries." Those weirdos need to be shot. A fat hunter gets killed by Flannel Jason. This is really the only death scene in this movie worth seeing and even that's a stretch. The girl with a bandana is walking through the forest and then Flannel Jason comes in behind her and smashes her face into a tree about 3 or 4 times. Very gorily I might add.

More stupid dialogue between Fake-stache Wahlburg and Overweight Jack White. Drinking. Smoking. The movie being self aware of how fucking stupid the plot is. Then a flashback of two fat, tattooed and pierced lesbians and some ass-hat that wants to film them doing sexual things with each other. Flannel Jason promptly slays all of them. THIS SCENE OF THE GIRLS BOOBS AND THEM BLEEDING OUT GOES ON WAAAAAAAYYYYYY TO LONG. It has to be somewhere between 5-10 minutes. I'm not joking. Cuts of an owl sleeping and dumb people at the campfire. Flannel Jason then squishes some jackasses eyes out with his thumbs. I'm really starting to like this guy. 

Fake-stache Wahlburg and Overweight Jack White wake up with a bunch of empty alcohol bottles around them. Fake-stache Wahlburg takes a piss. His mustache falls off. He starts blabbing on about nature possessing him. Then he shoots himself. I've been waiting for that to happen. Now scenes in a sepia filter we just saw 20 minutes ago. Hooray. Z-Grade Crispin tells his girl he's going to go get some help. A Greg Brady stand in shows up and starts filming crap. Z-Grade Crispin steals his car. The Greg Brady stand in and Z-Grade Crispin are bitching at each other in the middle of a forest path when Flannel Jason shows up and stabs Greg Brady. Z-Grade Crispin then shoots Flannel Jason a bunch of times and he spontaneously combusts.
    

Z-Grade Crispin hears the air-compressor music. THIS SHIT IS BORIIIIINNNNGGGG. He then strangles his girlfriend. Then Cripsin chops her up and eats her strawberry cheesecake innards. Yummy. Next up is a group of stoners that include a chick playing a ukulele pretty terribly and some hookah. Then Crispin and Overweight Jack White meet up. They say some stupid shit about littering and mexicans and then Crispin gets shot. Then it starts snowing or raining or whatever that weather condition is supposed to be.
  
I want to shoot myself just like Fake-stache Wahlburg did.

Please, I beg of you. Stay as far away from this "film" as you possibly can. I'm not even going to post the trailer. It's not worth it. Even as much of a fan of underground trash as I am, I never want to watch this movie ever again. I would rather be the girl in the middle of The Human Centipede at the end of that movie than have to sit through this shit stain on my boxers ever again as long as I live. Give me some of grandpa's cough medicine. I'm going to bed.