Teeth

Way, way back in my late teen-early twenty's years I had worked at a newspaper warehouse with a lot of really weird and idiotic people as co-workers. 2007 was one of the last years I kept this piece of shit as my place of employment before I ended up quitting to move out of state to New Mexico of all places-and one of my last memories before leaving was a conversation I had with a couple of guys that worked there that were around my age about a horror flick they had watched the weekend prior called Teeth. Yes, it really is more than likely what you think it is as it is a terror flick that revolves around a young girl by the name of Dawn that, you guessed it... has teeth in her vagina. As stupid and ridiculous as that may sound, that's what it is. And that's it. It took me more than eleven years to finally give this thing a go, and it didn't sit with me as well as I had been hoping it would have. The idea and premise behind Teeth is actually kind of original as I don't think I've ever heard of any kind of film before this one that actually took a chance at making somewhat of a strange and obvious notion a real thing in any kind of a motion picture. I think my main issue with this while I was taking my notes was that every single male that Dawn runs across is an absolute asshole-ish scumbag that wants nothing more with her than to just bang her brains out because of her very strong wills and convictions towards abstinence. They want to make her swipe her v-card, give up the ghost and pop that cherry if you can ride the wave that I'm casting, but the point is that I really had a hard time getting past the pacing and just the awkward performances that every character portrays during the course of this horror outing. I still don't really get the whole contrast between her and her step brother as she is supposed to be and angel and he's a devil or something.... I don't really know because even in the context of this mess of a film the scenes that contain Brad and his girlfriend smokin' dubs, listening to metal and fucking doggy style pretty much have nothing to do with what is going on with Dawn. It just felt unnecessary and was pretty much there as sort of comedic relief or whatever, but it never worked and drug the film down.

    Looks like the power plant that Homer works at.

Kids will be kids... I guess.

Were promise rings really that big of a thing?

Who's this asshole? Wayne Static with a shaved head?

   Damn these teens are fucking squares.

Sex and spelunking.

Radscorpion!

Masturbating is normal. I hope you know that.

Okay-that's enough man-ass in the locker room. Five seconds is long enough.

Those stalactites are cool. Look, I have a boner!

"I haven't jerked off since Easter!"

This promise/purity thing is a cult.

Lose the mullet. Then you can get a date.

After the first few guys (and a G.Y.N.O. that gets his fingers "bit" off by her vag) that she basically tears their dicks off because, well, they were dicks-Dawn starts to realize that she can actually control what her lady parts do down there during sexy time and takes some sweet revenge on her step brother for being an assclown. She seduces him (which is a really fucking weird and off-putting scene by the way) rips his wiener off, and then his dog perfectly named "mother" actually walks over to his severed helmet-in-the-bush and promptly eats it as if it were jerky or a treat or something. That shit made me laugh. HARD. Teeth by any stretch is not a good film to watch. Even by horror movie standards. There's always a cult following for pretty much anything that cultivates after long periods of time, and there is a cult grouping for this film-but they can keep it. I didn't get into it as much as I really had hoped after all of these years of putting it off because it just sounded fucking dumb. And I was kind of right in thinking that. Zits and zombies, I would recommend watching this maybe once to satiate some kind of curiosity towards a terror flick that involves a young woman that naturally has thorns in her rose, but I can assure you that this isn't a bouquet your going to have arranged for a special occasion anytime soon. Now I have to go forget about that damn Poison song for the umpteenth time.