Satanic Panic

It has been a long while since I've watched anything with Rebecca Romijn starring in it, and that goes for Jerry O'Connell as well. They are both great at what they do, and you can tell in the recent Satanic Panic that they also love what they do which lends themselves to creating some really great and real feeling characters that never hold back about their rich and evil life styles. There is a similar message in this flick compared to the insane 80's body horror classic Society where the rich stay richer by engaging and being involved in a lot of questionable acts of selfishness and perversion behind closed doors. And when $102 worth of pizza is ordered and delivered to the Ross residence by Sam, that's when this chaotic situation opens up and you're in for a funny and gory ride containing Satan worship, black magic, Rebecca Romijn in a really hot red dress for 95% of the film and Jerry O'Connell sitting on an incredibly expensive multi-sectional sofa while vaping and watching football. Sure, it doesn't sound like anything to exciting on the surface, but Satanic Panic is very well directed and written. I pretty much have nothing to complain about with this film which is also the first time in a long time, except that maybe some of the jokes here and there don't land very well, but that's extremely minor compared to everything else that this picture gets right. The gore and the special effects were incredible as well as the pace and the way everything flowed. There was little to no down time and I just wanted to keep going with it until the very end.  

Why do grown men insist on wearing skinny jeans these days.

There's always a price to pay for sex in the morning.

I didn't know that Michael Clark Duncan owned a pizzeria.

What does a sweater that smells like racism smell like? I probably don't want to know.

Shit-Rebecca Romijn looks killer in red!

 Vaping and football. I'm glad I'm not a bro.

Shooting yourself by accident is why you need to practice gun safety. Fucking idiot.

Umm.... okay. She took his heart. Literally.

I know it's not funny, but it is. Seeing a 10 year old boy get fucking punched in the face by Sam slayed me.

A drill-do! That's amazing!

"Get your big tits in gear, they know were here."

Basin Mills reminds me of Naperville. Just saying.

No-that wasn't a rip-off of the box art from Gabriel Knight:The Beast Within.

I'm convinced that this satanic ritual is real. It feels real.

 After all of the devil worship horror flicks and horror comedies that I've consumed over the last decade, for me, Satanic Panic really came out as one of the better offerings for either side of this particular coin. It really is crafted that well and the cult that Sam gets pulled into after they figure out that she's a virgin feels like a group that probably exists in real life that hasn't been found or exposed yet. All I have to say is that any cult that feels that Rebecca should wear a red dress around the whole time the way she does is a religion I'll sign up for. Produce the papers for me to sell my soul because here I come. I'm safe-I'm not a virgin or a woman so, yeah. Where's Basin Mills, again?

It Waits

When I found It Waits on dvd from Anchor Bay earlier this year for a couple bucks I was enticed. The box cover is straight black with a really cool looking demon/gargoyle looking thing showing it's teeth while the title itself is spray painted red right next to it as if it's blood dripping in a sinister way to draw you in to get you excited. This is another flick where the idea and the marketing are better than the actual product. Snake oil-a placebo if you will. You'll take this to feel better, and feel better you will... but it's not real because this film just straight sucks. I'll say two positive things about It Waits-Cerina Vincent is sexy as hell as forest ranger Danielle St. Claire, and some of the production values for this are decent. Other than that, I really just need all of you undead to stay away from this fright offering from Anchor Bay. Shame on you. I hope you guys see this so you can pick yourselves back up and get into releasing great horror again like you used to because this is unacceptable. Three quarters of this piece is wasted on exposition that builds up what's going on with Danielle and her ranger partner Justin and some plot point about her drinking on duty because of what happened the night before or the week before or whatever. It really doesn't matter. Once you get past her characters' personal bullshit and she confides in Justin that she was the one who was drinking and driving instead of her friend Julie, then the tone completely changes from you feeling depressed and sorry for Danielle to you needing to have a boner for them having sex in the guard tower. Just like that. No transition, no screen wipe-nothing. Just "hey, I killed my best friend from drinking and driving" to Justin getting on her and in her. Wow man. Wow.

I think hiking with a gps is cheating, isn't it?

You just took the same picture of the same bones twice. Jeez.

"If you wanna score with the jewel master, you've got to have game!"

Getting hammered, alone, is always the answer.

You have a gun, what is there to be afraid of?

Alright Justin-I think you do want to know.

   Dead possum sandwiches and some fine northern elk piss-sounds yummy.

What a surprise-Danielle was driving instead of Julie.

Okay, so Danielle admits to Justin that she was the one driving the jeep instead of Julie, she dies in the accident, talks about it and now they are having sex with some shitty Sheryl Crow type music playing over it. Wow.

 Maybe it was bigfoot-you don't know.

Slick move-you left your wife alone in the forest by herself. Justin should have shot your ass.

I wish this movie was that short and sweet.

You're going to have to will it to be a good day pretty hard after all that's happened so far.

  After letting It Waits brew in my mind for 24 hours, I think the main issue with it is that it tries to hard. The pace of it isn't that great and the ending and everything leading up to it is just tired and so unexciting. I'm not even going to flinch at spoiling what the creature looks like or how Danielle defeats it in the last few moments because I don't want you to watch this. You have better things to do with your life. When the monster is finally revealed, it basically looks likes a solid mix of Pumpkinhead, a xenomorph from Alien and a little bit of the demon from Jeepers Creepers. Yeah, and the way Danielle kills it is so fucking lazy because she shoots it with her rifle numerous times and it really does nothing, but right at the end she kills it with two sticks of dynamite. This is supposedly some God-like creature that's over 1,000 years old that can stand up to anything and she kills it with two sticks of dynamite. Jesus Christ. I'm done. More alcohol can't save me now. Maybe it can. Let's find out.    

Stalking Laura

I was in the mood for something more on the psychological side last night, so on Amazon Video my final choice ended up being a film I've never heard of called Stalking Laura. Or I Can Make You Love Me. Which ever title you want to refer to this picture as, this made for t.v. film from 1993 is a damn masterpiece concerning the pathos of a man broken on the inside trying to make a woman that wants nothing to do with him notice him and remember him-at all costs. That's the key here-at all costs in Stalking Laura basically means that Richard Farley literally snaps and goes on a killing spree because Laura Black won't go on a date with him or acknowledge the fact that they are a couple... according to Richard. With each passing scene and every passing interaction that these two characters have with each other, you can just feel the tension and suspense building while the pace of the film leaves you trying to hang on as this thing keeps rolling. Right as the third act comes around is when you can finally get a full grip around the handle of this absolutely insane situation, and it lets you hold on for dear life as everything you learned about Laura and Richard comes to a head and should be popped by a professional. I find it very off-putting zits and zombies that pretty much everything that happens in this flick actually took place in real life, which ultimately led to the state of California passing the very first anti-stalker law back in 1990. It's very horrific and sad that seven people had to lose their lives because of a fucking lunatic like Richard Farley. But all Laura had to do was go on date with him. That's all.

Okay dad, time to let go. Give me a piece of that cherry pie too.

I Can Make You Love Me? I thought this was called Stalking Laura.

 Man this theme music is so 90's.

Every job says that they "are like family" until you see how much everyone hates everyone else.

I love creatives and artsy people.

 Wow, Rich-a little forward, much?

I'm biased, but I'd rather have the photographer's team win the baseball game.

Rich wants to force it because he's a fucking lunatic.

Is that a Pentax or an Olympus? Aw, I can't tell.

Big brother doesn't need to know everything.

     Damn-Christmas is almost here.

Don't give Richard an option... just fire his ass.

Yeah, Rich-we'll see you later. On the 10 o'clock news.

Stalking Laura is probably one of the best made for t.v. movies I've ever seen and it is an amazing character study that doesn't pull any punches in terms of quality and content. A movie like this would never be made today, which is a shame because I'm sure that this type of harassment still happens on a daily basis as it brings to light a psychological issue that I'm pretty sure isn't going to go away just by ignoring it. Do most people who stalk someone take it to the level that Richard did by the third act? Absolutely not, and something like this film can be a nice reminder to watch for certain people that just don't know how to take no for an answer. They need to be dealt with before things go to far and that's why California did what they did after this incident took place back in 1988. Stalking Laura is fantastic and can't be missed by zits and zombies that need their psychology major itch scratched if they are yearning to learn something new about a stalking case. Jesus I need to go to bed.   

The Velocipastor

After being away from you zits and zombies for so long, I decided to finally push my ass back into trying to develop a schedule for myself to try and keep up with my goals in life-and one of them is still to keep Cinema Slayer alive by finding, watching and reviewing the weirdest and oddest horror flicks I can possibly scrounge up. And look here-I found one on Amazon Prime Video called The Velocipastor. Not only is the title absolutely ridiculous and a hilarious play on words, but it also turned out to be fun as hell and I'm pretty sure that if the pastor at the church I used to attend started turning into a full-fledged dinosaur to do good by killing rapists, pedophiles, drug dealers and pimps...then I would be a man of the claw too. But I'm not. And he isn't either. I was worried when The Velocipastor first started within the first ten minutes or so because I just couldn't figure out if this monstrosity was being serious or not, but then it hit me-I'm watching a low budget horror flick about a religious priest named Doug that has the power to transform into a fucking dinosaur to kill people and rid the world of evil once and for all. How could it take itself seriously-it's just not possible. Especially since there is also the inclusion of ninjas for pretty much no reason other than Doug going to "China" for a vacation, only to see a random Asian woman running through the same forest he's hiking through, gets hit by an arrow, gives him a dino-tooth looking stone and tells him that he's "the dragon warrior" or some shit like that, and proceeds from there to become the man of God that can also morph into the cheesiest, grade-school looking dinosaur I've ever seen in my entire life. The animatronics and rubber suits in the t.v. show The Dinosaurs honestly look better than Doug does here in all of his jurassic glory, but really, this film isn't about how good the effects and all of that shit is-it's all reliant on the entertainment value. And it's loaded with it.

     If it's "rated x", then that's all I need to watch it.

VFX: car on fire-so is this a joke or is this edit unfinished?

Back packing across "China"-or someone's backyard in the middle of Virginia. Either way.

Dragon warrior? That's and NES classic!

Damn that was a short trip.

Just kick pimp daddy-o Richard Karn here in the sack and run away. Jesus Christ.

   What are you, gay?! Look at those peaches, brutha!

"There's surprisingly little demand for hooker-doctor-lawyers."

This velocipastor T-wrecks!! Hahahahhaahhhhaaaaahhahhah!!!!!

Over embellished, forced laughing is fun.

"God does not want people dead." Yeah, alright. I'm not even going to get started on that one.

Hell never changes? I thought it was war-war never changes.

  I've never really been a man of the cloth, but after sitting through The Velocipastor, I can for sure be a man of the claw. Honestly the biggest plus about this that I, a cult horror film reviewer can say about this piece is that it being played as straight as a freshly paved highway always makes me feel great speeding down it at 90mph. Windows down, metal up and maybe a beer in the cup holder without a cop finding out, this film delivers the goods on horrible acting, choreography, directing, gore and everything else that would be required for something of this caliber to put a smile on your gingivitis laced gums-The Velocipastor is a fucking win. Church will never be the same anymore because now I'm just expecting to see everyone in the clergy to either be a T-Rex or a raptor delivering a sermon. My saved game on Dragon Warrior from 1986 is still on the cart somehow. Guess it's time to finally save the king's princess.