The Velocipastor

After being away from you zits and zombies for so long, I decided to finally push my ass back into trying to develop a schedule for myself to try and keep up with my goals in life-and one of them is still to keep Cinema Slayer alive by finding, watching and reviewing the weirdest and oddest horror flicks I can possibly scrounge up. And look here-I found one on Amazon Prime Video called The Velocipastor. Not only is the title absolutely ridiculous and a hilarious play on words, but it also turned out to be fun as hell and I'm pretty sure that if the pastor at the church I used to attend started turning into a full-fledged dinosaur to do good by killing rapists, pedophiles, drug dealers and pimps...then I would be a man of the claw too. But I'm not. And he isn't either. I was worried when The Velocipastor first started within the first ten minutes or so because I just couldn't figure out if this monstrosity was being serious or not, but then it hit me-I'm watching a low budget horror flick about a religious priest named Doug that has the power to transform into a fucking dinosaur to kill people and rid the world of evil once and for all. How could it take itself seriously-it's just not possible. Especially since there is also the inclusion of ninjas for pretty much no reason other than Doug going to "China" for a vacation, only to see a random Asian woman running through the same forest he's hiking through, gets hit by an arrow, gives him a dino-tooth looking stone and tells him that he's "the dragon warrior" or some shit like that, and proceeds from there to become the man of God that can also morph into the cheesiest, grade-school looking dinosaur I've ever seen in my entire life. The animatronics and rubber suits in the t.v. show The Dinosaurs honestly look better than Doug does here in all of his jurassic glory, but really, this film isn't about how good the effects and all of that shit is-it's all reliant on the entertainment value. And it's loaded with it.

     If it's "rated x", then that's all I need to watch it.

VFX: car on fire-so is this a joke or is this edit unfinished?

Back packing across "China"-or someone's backyard in the middle of Virginia. Either way.

Dragon warrior? That's and NES classic!

Damn that was a short trip.

Just kick pimp daddy-o Richard Karn here in the sack and run away. Jesus Christ.

   What are you, gay?! Look at those peaches, brutha!

"There's surprisingly little demand for hooker-doctor-lawyers."

This velocipastor T-wrecks!! Hahahahhaahhhhaaaaahhahhah!!!!!

Over embellished, forced laughing is fun.

"God does not want people dead." Yeah, alright. I'm not even going to get started on that one.

Hell never changes? I thought it was war-war never changes.

  I've never really been a man of the cloth, but after sitting through The Velocipastor, I can for sure be a man of the claw. Honestly the biggest plus about this that I, a cult horror film reviewer can say about this piece is that it being played as straight as a freshly paved highway always makes me feel great speeding down it at 90mph. Windows down, metal up and maybe a beer in the cup holder without a cop finding out, this film delivers the goods on horrible acting, choreography, directing, gore and everything else that would be required for something of this caliber to put a smile on your gingivitis laced gums-The Velocipastor is a fucking win. Church will never be the same anymore because now I'm just expecting to see everyone in the clergy to either be a T-Rex or a raptor delivering a sermon. My saved game on Dragon Warrior from 1986 is still on the cart somehow. Guess it's time to finally save the king's princess.