Two Idiots From Illinois: My Interview on Instagram with Brennan Dortch

 

Two Idiots From Illinois: My Interview on Instagram with Brennan Dortch

Brennan Dortch is a raconteur man-about-town that collects comic books, horror novels and bootlegs of some of the greatest movies you've never heard of. He was also the wholesome spirit that pointed me in the direction of watching and reviewing the 1991 brain damage fueled inoculation known only as Bad Karma that dissolved my gray matter into a puddle of useless jelly and forced me to wear an adult diaper for the rest of the night until the next morning. What a harrowing experience. Join me now as I ask him some important questions about horror films, his personal hygiene and his first movie review book titled The Merits of Sin. Because we're two idiots that only live once. Just south of Shitcago. 

(Singular standing ovation complete with really loud whistling)

Cinema Slayer: Thank you for being here, Brennan. Please, have a seat-wait, you probably are seated in front of some internet connected device with a beer or a coffee. Nevermind. Okay, the first question I have to ask so we can get to it is how often do you brush your teeth and take a shower? Once a week? Once a month? Never?

Brennan Dortch: Oh, you're not gonna get me on the cleanliness factor, sir. I shower morning and night. I'd shower more if I could. That's the old construction worker in me. Shower to wake myself up and then shower when I get home to wash the stank off. Brush my teeth too, gotta brush'em. Brush'em all you can. Even when you're to drunk to remember to brush'em, you brush them damn teeth. I'm also married and really like my wife. I wouldn't do that to her.

CS: That's a good time-I would never do that to my wife either! So how did you get knee deep in the cinema sewer? Did you have some old friends help you out or did you stumble into it yourself?

BD: Growing up I was all about Godzilla and the Universal Monsters but I'd read the hell out of review books. And I kinda became obsessed with taking in as much as I could. Starting out, I'd look for the contemporary classics that were well reviewed or just spoke about fondly by the horror community. As I consumed more and more, I'd bring friends along on my movie marathons and we'd start going for shit that had cool covers. So Demons, The Burning, Oasis of the Zombies, Grim Reaper... just kind of jumping in because of the box art. Realizing that I found more joy in Oasis of the Zombies than I did in say something like A Nightmare on Elm Street, kind of put me on an unwinding spiral of looked over trash cinema. And once you get your hands on something like Things or Weasels Ripped my Flesh and fall hard for it, you chase that high for the rest of your life. Added to that, you start digging into worldwide weirdness and the floodgates open. Mexico, India, Indonesia, Hong Kong... I happily drown in their output. That sounds gross. 

CS: I will agree with you that that does sound slightly disgusting, but not any more disgusting than not showering I suppose. That is very true though, once you experience a film like Things, Sledgehammer, or even the recent one I watched that was just balls-out insanity titled Bad Karma...dear Lord! And yes, the addiction to this level of celluloid snot is real...very real.

BD: I'm so glad you got to see Bad Karma.

CS: I am too. We only have one life to live, and the best way to spend it is watching coke fueled non-sense like Bad Karma. You have mentioned to me before that you have (or had) video rental store connections. Did you work at one in the past or had friends that did? Family?

BD: I worked at Value Video, formerly Palmer Video. Huge VHS selection. It was somewhere in between a Mom and Pop shop and a video store chain. I've always said it was to big to be considered the former but there was only one location so it sure as hell wasn't the latter. Worked there out of high school because they had an adult video section and I couldn't work there before I graduated...owner's orders. Apparently you need a GED to put Ass Blasters 7 back in the correct location. Wasn't 18 yet so I have no idea.    

CS: I didn't know that porn stars were that educated-but then again, look at the level we're talking about here. Maybe you do need to graduate from high school to be able to distinguish between Ass Blasters 7 and Ass Slammers 6. I'm no expert so who knows. You also told me that Robert Z'Dar used to frequent a bar next to where you used to host film showings in the past. Did you ever actually meet him? If so, was he always plastered? That chin of his probably helped him out with the ladies, right?

BD: I could not tell you if he was plastered or not because I was already three sheets to the wind myself, but when Z'Dar walks into the establishment that you're getting drunk in, you take notice. Even if you have no idea who the fuck he is, that massive noggin' stands out. It's surprisingly a lot larger in person. The man just wanted to have some drinks, so we would just leave him alone. I was honestly like "Soultaker is awesome!" and then went about my merry way. Any other time he was in there, you just let the man drink with his buddies. He's not there to hear your take on why Maniac Cop 3 is better than 2. Nobody wants to hear that take, not even your mom. 

CS: Man, that's good-I've actually only ever seen the first Maniac Cop, so I wish I could indulge in which sequel is better, but I can't. I'll bet that head of his was massive to see in person. His parents must have been proud.

BD: I'm sure it was a point of honor in the household. Part 2 is better.

CS: What kind of schlock did you host at that place? The same kind of stuff you reviewed in your book, The Merits of Sin? Or was it something else entirely?

BD: I'd usually host one film that was considered essential cinema (Exorcist, Return of the Living Dead, etc.) and then hit them with something I wanted to share with the world as a closer (Lady Terminator, Demons 2, etc.). Get'em nice and sauced before laying out my kind of wonderful. 

CS: Makes sense-get the potential audience while they're schnockered and hit them when they least expect it. And I'm sure your viewings were wonderful. So what exactly brought you to put The Merits of Sin together? Just the build up over the years of needing to tell people about how crazy movies can actually get?

BD: I had always wanted to write a book strictly of reviews-my parents bought me a book called Terror on Tape when I was a lil' weirdo and I fell in love with the idea of just a collection of reviews on things I was interested in. As the years went on and I got into odder crap, I felt it would just be fun to collect them all in one piece, especially since I was coming across titles I had never read about. Then my buddy Reel Rat invited me to write reviews for his site (Basement on a Hill then, now it's Spook du Jour) and that just lit a fire under my ass. When he closed the site (which he has since resurrected) I figured now was as good a time as any to start working on an actual book. I mean, my reviews may not be for everyone but I knew I'd at least receive praise from my mother...so that's a win.    

CS: Getting praise from your mother is always a win-and I have to say, there were other things that lit a fire under my ass to publish my first book on Amazon, but you were it to be honest. I found out about your book from SloppySecondSales on Instagram as they posted about your book coming out, and I looked it up on Amazon right away because I'm into that sort of thing as well. Come to find out, you live here in Illinois as well and you self-published it! I literally said to myself "if this clown can do it, why can't I?" And I got to plowing through Personal Shrapnel, and now my Cinema Slayer book. So, thank you for pushing me without even realizing it my friend! So, is there another book in the works right now and if there is, when can we see it on Amazon?

BD: I'm here to make sure every other clown out there with a dream finds it in themselves to go forth and live that dream because if my dumbass can do it, anyone can do it. I'm about one hundred reviews away from having book two finished, then the editing process begins. I'm hoping it will be out by summer. And by the way, Personal Shrapnel was a wonderful experience and has me eagerly anticipating your book of reviews... I mean, that and the website but you know what I mean.

CS: Well thank you, I very much appreciate that. I feel like my writing has gotten much better even in these last six months or so since I published that so I'm hoping my review book will be a lot better than those three shorts that I wrote for Personal Shrapnel. Okay, so who has the better line-up...DC or Marvel? And Batman, Superman or Iron Man?

BD: Fuuuuuuuuuuuck! Can't I just love them both? I grew up with Marvel but I'm more into DC nowadays, but then I think on Hickman's Fantastic Four and Avengers and I'm like...this shit is awesome. I'm gonna go with DC because of The Flash, Wonder Woman and Green Lantern. There, that's my crew. And give me Batman. Better rogue's gallery.  

CS: Hell yeah, Batman all day for me. Been a huge bat-fan since as far back as I can remember! You don't rub grilled cheese into your underarms, do you? I've heard of people doing that sometimes.

BD: Oh jeez. Not since college but you know, that's the time to experiment.

CS: It's good to use different cheeses and breads to see which scents you prefer. Munster and marble rye is a good one. Name a bunch of your favorite authors and-go.

BD: Michael McDowell, Adam Nevill, Scott Snyder, Geoff Johns, Jonathan Hickman, Amanda Conner, Greg Rucka...I'm sure there's a shit-ton more but I'm pretty wretched when it comes to names and remembering things without hours to research them and I don't want to waste your time making you sit there, twiddling your thumbs as I cross reference titles and authors and comic book runs.   

CS: It's all good man-that's a bunch and they're all ones I've never heard of so I can always look them up when I have the time or after I get through all the books I just bought recently. And there's a lot of them. Twiddling my thumbs sometimes is fun though.

BD: To each their own.

CS: I just have to know though-do you have a massive warehouse connected to the side of your house where you keep all of your crap, or do you just throw everything in the corner like a normal collector does?

BD: I actually have what I have shelved. Been selling off my physical media because I just don't need it anymore. I watch the movies and move on. Don't need slipcases or 4k versions of something I've seen a dozen times. Get on with getting on. Now books are another thing. I've tried doing digital reading, but that was giving me headaches so you'll no longer find my corpse under a stack of movies. It will be under a stack of books. 

CS: I've done something similar in recent years-I used to be diehard about collecting music in the past, and my wife and I had the unfortunate incident of our basement flooding which destroyed basically all of the music I had on vinyl and cd and everything. Then I sold off what didn't get destroyed and just stuck with movies and dropped video games for the most part as well. My main collections nowadays is just movies and books. I still game, but it's on PC through Steam and that's really it unless it's something I'm really looking forward to on the Switch. What is the nuttiest film you've ever sat through?

BD: I think that honor would probably go to Bhoot Ke Pechhe Bhoot. Indian horror film from 2003 and it's fuckin' nuts. Helps that there's no subs, so it's like falling down into a pit made from the collected fever dreams of Victorian Era orphans while on LSD and getting a back massage from your favorite Justice Leaguer. There's nothing quite like it and it's even more fascinating because I saw this for the first time last year. It's going in the second book. That gives me so much hope that there's always going to be diamonds hiding out in those seemingly endless fields of feces.

CS: Man, it really sounds like I should start digging into some curry laced cinema myself-never got into it prior, but being on LSD while getting a back massage from your favorite Justice Leaguer would be one hell of an experience.

BD: Nothing like it.

CS: In The Merits of Sin you gave Nightmare Alley your lowest possible rating. Is that the shittiest film you've ever wasted your time on or is there something even worse than that out there just waiting to be discovered by normal human beings?

BD: I'd say I had more fun with that turd than anything released by Lucifer Valentine or A Baroque House. I'd throw those on my lowest ebb of the cinematic sea. More power to you if you are anything but bored by them but those vomit crusted rape fantasies just ain't my thing. But you'll be seeing a lot more low reviews in the next book. I dip my toes into some extreme horror and Tubi sure has put out some supreme sandwiches of shit lately. 

CS: I wholeheartedly agree-I think Lucifer Valentine is a hack and holds onto some serious mental issues that need to be resolved, but hey, there's something for everyone out there if you look hard enough.

BD: Well said!

CS: One of my favorite SOV flicks is The Soultangler-I've actually talked to Pat Bishow a couple of times. He's a pretty cool guy-what's your favorite SOV entry?

BD: Vampire Time Travelers will forever be my favorite. Soultangler is a magical time, though. It's pure enthusiasm without inhibition and that's what makes up the best backyard cinema.

CS: Ah, yes-Vampire Time Travelers. I have yet to witness the magic of that one.

BD: I'll be buried with that one.

CS: I think I'll probably be buried with my all time favorite which is the first Video Violence. Watched it so many times and I just can never get enough of it.

BD: It's been so long. May have to put that one on soon.

CS: Final question good sir-and this is because of where we live-Cubs, Sox, Bulls, Bears or Blackhawks? I don't give a shit because I'm not into sports but I just wanted to see what you would say.

BD: I'm not either so CM Punk. Thanks for having me and letting me waste your time!

CS: It was a good time and I'm glad I was able to do it! Talk to you again soon, son. Keep that curry spicy.

BD: Will do brother. Until next time.