Hellmaster

 

Just because your shitty horror flick (somehow) has the legendary John Saxon starring in it, doesn't mean that it's going to be worthwhile. Hellmaster does in fact have him shoved inside of itself for the money (it had to be) because there is little to nothing here to redeem. The cover art for the film would lead it's potential audience to believe that this Freddy Krueger, pin-less Pinhead looking motherfucker is the main villain, but how dubious have we become. Well, by 1992 standards anyway. The person or demon (or whatever) that is so graciously emblazoned front and center to suck you in is in this thing only for a few minutes and ends up being one of Saxon's minions of sorts to continue his stupid experiments to try and turn a bunch a college idiots into these bizarre Jones Cult follower thingies. Yeah, Jones Cult. What does that sound like to you? Hellmaster comes in luke warm and barely even retains that energy by the time John Saxon bites it and revels in it's lethargy until the credits rolled which made me feel bitter and empty on the inside. It wasn't quite that bad, but this piece is pretty fucking awful to say the least, and it has basically nothing going for it. I never bothered to look, but if this made it on blu-ray, I just have to ask why. Who is going to get into this unless you're a die hard John Saxon fanatic that must have all of his films or someone that loves to torture themselves to the point of wanting to swallow an entire bottle of bleach and aspirin at the same time. Better get your will and obituary written out now because it's starting to look kind of dark in here.

The whole idea for this petrified turd is that Saxon's character is some kind of scientist or cult leader that has been continuing the Nietzche Experiment for the last twenty plus or so years underground at a college campus, and now that he finally feels like it's doing what it's supposed to, he has his mutant "children" attack and kidnap the students there to inject them with this disgusting looking vanilla pudding looking shit that turns them into goblin-Jones Cult freaks as well. The Jones Cult logo is branded into their foreheads and it very much resembles the Blue Oyster Cult logo as well. Coincidence? I think not. At least BOC is a kick ass metal band-Hellmaster is just a fucking sloppy, slow, sluggish pile of vomit from a rhino's asshole, steaming with an infection that would take years to remedy if not for modern medical science. Who am I kidding-that shit is a scam as well. Fuck it, if you sit through Hellmaster, consider yourself sick forever. You'll never recover from it.

Them? I thought this was called Hellmaster.

    Being a writer is lonely work, and that's why I love it.

What do I see? I see John Saxon wearing some terrible movie make-up.

  If this college program is government funded, it's time to walk out.

Joel has as much charisma as a dried up starfish.

Smile, Christ is watching from the cross!

And King Diamond said that nuns have no fun. Looks like murder is part of their jubilation.

What the fuck does this douche-bag not wearing any underwear have anything to do with anything?

Damn, everyone in this movie is so lame.

John Saxon Jones. Has a golden ring to it.

"A lot of teenagers are dying for a drink."

Hanging this pig out to dry-care for some bacon?

I knew there were other reasons to be into photography besides art.

Zombie cop or Hellcop-either one would be a great movie title.

Hey man, if you're looking to join the Tunnel Snakes, you're going the wrong way.

Zits and zombies, I fucking hated everything about Hellmaster. Every single thing. I couldn't stand the characters, the music, the cinematography-none of it. It was all shit. This fun sized Baby Ruth I am eating as I write this looks like a little piece of dried toilet waste that my daughter would leave in her diaper after she eats, but at least Baby Ruth's taste amazing. Hellmaster leaves a gigantic elephant pile wherever it pleases and expects you to enjoy cleaning it up. Fuck you, Hellmaster. I suspect you were potty trained at some point so how's about you go in the damn toilet where you're supposed to instead of by my front door. You fucking Jones Cult degenerate. And take John Saxon with you-he needs to find better work for himself. I hope he was paid well enough for this because if I was him, I would leave this shit off of my resume' and refuse to autograph memorabilia for it at conventions. Hellmaster doesn't exist as far as I'm concerned. Now it's time to watch a real horror flick with the word hell in the title. Doug Bradley, here I come.