Stuffings

 

I had a bad feeling about Stuffings right when it started. I don't know what it is with me and Australian films, but I just can't get behind them for some reason. First, Body Melt is one that I've watched more than once to try to get into it and still can't stand it, and now this heap. I really wanted to dig this one mainly because it had been recommended to me on Instagram a long while ago and was festering on my list for the website, just waiting for this time of year to indulge in some new Christmas horror to possibly enjoy and maybe even track down a copy of for the good old collection. I had no expectations or pre-conceived notions about what this could possibly contain, and I was right in doing so on this one because Stuffings can stuff it's sorries in a sack, mister. This was another entry I had to unfortunately throw on my worst of the year list when I put that one together sometime next year and it's also a victim of not having any energy at all. The tank was already dry when this thing opened, and just coasted on it's own fumes for the entire run time. I think the heaviest issue with Stuffings though is the lack of what the fuck was actually going on in this picture. I still just don't get what the point of this was at all and the scarecrow Santa's (or whatever they were supposed to be) were just so lame and stupid and I felt absolutely nothing the whole time I was taking notes or even trying to invest in what was happening. The two main characters of Bec and Andy were just annoying as all hell and I really couldn't believe that they had a Youtube channel that even had two subscribers, let alone eventually getting two million before they decided to go on some random camping trip on Christmas Eve. There are so many loose ends here that I don't even think Corey Taylor would even be able to have the talent to gather them up to tie them up into a slipknot-or any kind of knot for that matter.

From what I can actually put together beyond this over baked pan of holiday stuffing is that some fat radio host lady wants this group of people to kidnap and kill four other people by the time Christmas Day comes around so this evil Santa creature thing doesn't kill any of the other kids in the town they live in? I guess?? Honestly, I don't know. Stuffings does commit the ultimate sin that a film can commit in being a piece of shit-it's fucking boring. The majority of the run time here is just Bec and Andy bitching at each other and Andy being obsessed with his phone and recording every single second and every little thing they do for their Youtube videos while Bec wants to take a break from it because it's overwhelming her. That's just scratching the surface of this coiled up, soft served mound of anal evacuation. In between them two engaging that nonsense, all the towns people put up these terribly sloppy Santa scarecrows to keep the demented St. Nick away and my Lord my two year old daughter could honestly do a better job with these things. Most of them are just slung over their fences or thrown onto the side of a tree and look nothing like scarecrows at all. The hay-boy in Weird: The Al Yankovich Story looked better than these damn things do, and it was just laying in his bed for five seconds to confuse his parents when he snuck out to go to a polka party. Man, I can't believe I'm already referencing that movie and I just reviewed it. There's no quality here folks-no quality at all.     

Silence can be uncomfortable. But it can also be heaven.

Take a shot, mate.

These are the worst decorative Santa's I've ever seen.

           "It's not Santa Clause, it looks like crap."

Proposing to Bec may have been a bad idea.

That trail would be great for photography.

Hahahahahaha, this girl is running like the T-1000 from Terminator 2!

Scarecrow Santa is real!

After awhile, any career feels like you're stuck in a machine.

Do people really brush their teeth with no paste and no water?

Holy shit, I thought this old lady was Mrs. Doubtfire for a second.

Wow, what an uneventful kill.

Oh no, Andy is in trouble and this blonde girl is dead.

You're saving children by killing one-okay, this is fucking stupid.

Zits and zombies, I'm always up for a Christmas horror flick I've never seen before. It's my favorite sub-genre in this category besides slashers, and I've sat through a lot of good ones on both ends. Stuffings however, can go stuff itself. There is no amount of anything solid to cull from this one for Christmas time and to be honest (maybe because I don't live in Australia) but this really didn't even feel like a Christmas horror film, let alone any kind of Christmas entry at all. It was to clean and warm looking the entire time and there were no winter coats, snow or ice anywhere in sight. It felt like Santa was being evil during Christmas in July instead of the actual Christmas season, and that's probably another thing to add to my list for this movie getting a lump of coal this year in lieu of what it's really always wanted. To be a real holiday horror movie. This one just needs to stay on the island of misfit toys-forever.