Kill Cruise

I can sum up my feelings for Kill Cruise with one scene that takes place within the last twenty minutes or so of this film. Randomly, in the middle of Su having a mental breakdown of some kind, the dog that has been on the boat with them for however long by this point takes a shit by the edge of the boat, some out of place romantic-overly dramatic music starts playing and the skipper gets a bucket and starts washing the dogs crap into the ocean and says "next time, you shit overboard, ya' hear?" That scene alone puts everything into perspective with how Kill Cruise plays out. I didn't completely hate this early film starring Elizabeth Hurley, but I just know if I was her I would be fucking embarrassed. It ended up being one of those gutter trash films that has a severe identity crisis where it doesn't know if it's trying to be a mystery, a documentary, a commentary, a character study or a psychological thriller. And to be fair, I still don't know which one of those this is supposed to be either. I would stretch really far to say that this could be The Thing on a boat with two women and a man, but again-I think that's just going to far. I just didn't like anything about this film-the cinematography is hideous, the three main characters are just clumsy and don't fit together very well and the plot just felt flimsy and amateurish. 

That's not a real ship. That's one of those hobbyist ships that people build inside of wine bottles.

I'm terrified of deep water, but this flood scene is hilarious.

These mustache-ride captains act like they've never seen a woman before. Play some more checkers you filthy animals.

Dear sweet Moses the voice dubbing in this film is amazing.

It's going to rain?! It just fucking rained!!

(Holding my head in shame) Elizabeth Hurley...what the hell...

  So even old fat women want to see Liz Hurley do a strip tease?! What the fuck is happening in this movie?

I'm sorry. The most intelligent person on the boat-no, the whole damn movie-is the dog. That's right. The dog.

Not only does the majority of Kill Cruise just bore and confuse the audience, it's also loaded with way more 'what the fuck' moments than I was ready for. Towards the beginning when you first see Su and Lou, Lou slaps Su in the face for some reason that I still don't care about, and then they go into a seaside bar and sing some song about love or something, and everyone starts chanting "take it off" including sailors, the bartender, old fat ladies and whatever other degenerates were there at the time. Su takes a seat while Lou tries to be sexy and pleases everyone, complete with a quick cut of some sailor biting his lip in excitement and the bartender throwing his hands up in the air in fulfilled joy status. That was a lot to get out. Zits and zombies, I paid two dollars for this on dvd last week when my wife and I went down to Champaign for a couple of days, and I was expecting a horribly good time. What I paid for was a film that wants to jump off the plank into the deepest parts of the Atlantic while still trying to entertain you. It half-assed it's goal. Now I just need some insulin.