Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Ninja III: The Domination (VHS)

The whole first fifteen minutes of Ninja III: The Domination has to be one of the most insane, over the top action openings in a ninja film ever produced. It just never seems to end, and when it finally does (even after getting blasted by about fifty cops all with 12 gauges) the black ninja still manages to use smoke to disappear and stay alive. It's this ridiculously long and drawn out, broad daylight brawl that takes place on a golf course with tons of cops, security guards and a few random golfers here and there-they all try to do something to kill the damn black ninja, but not a single one of them can accomplish this singular goal. Christie, who is an electrical worker and an aerobics instructor, is working on a telephone pole as this shit is taking place, and of course the black ninja finds her and gives her the magical samurai sword before he finally eats some dirt. She takes it back to her place, plays a few rounds on some arcade cab called "Bouncer" and heads off to her aerobics class that she is going to instruct. She is a busy woman. It's after this point that Christie starts becoming possessed by this fairy dust-sprinkled sword, and all sorts of hilarious shenanigans ensue. Including Christie seducing her cop boyfriend by pouring a can of V8 down her neck "seductively". Yeah. When I think fiery arousal with a blazing hot woman, I think tomato juice.

The last thing anyone should wear while spelunking is a white business suit.

Why are there ancient Japanese samurai weapons inside of a boulder, inside of a cave that has a spot light gleaming out of it?!

Outlaw Golf on the original Xbox had to be inspired by something.

  How the fuck does a metal golf club bend around a guys arm with no injury? How??

 Cutest female electrical worker ever.

Damn I love 80's chicks.

 Now I have another movie to watch that has a ton of random scenes with chicks doing aerobics in spandex and leg warmers.

C'mon bro-you couldn't even open the car door. (smack my head) My God.

Yeah. Pour some V8 down your neck. That's fucking sexy.

 After receiving a full body scan from her arcade cabinet and the samurai sword, Christie will go on a killing spree. Watch.

I forgot to mention that there is a drinking game that can be played with Ninja III: The Domination. When Christie is with her boyfriend through out the film, his cop buddies are usually around and when she sees one of them, she has a flashback of that particular cop blasting the hell out of the black ninja at the beginning during the golf course brawl. Every single time this happens, you see that same exact re-used shots of the black ninja falling on the ground after being shot. Every time. If you can dupe your friends into watching this with you, you'll all be blitzed by the time this movie is over. It happens way to many times, and I believe that it was used for padding of some kind. I really do. Zits and zombies, Ninja III: The Domination is outrageous, silly, ridiculous and outlandishly absurd. There is no good reason for this to have even made it to blu-ray a while back, but I'm glad it did. Highly entertaining stuff. Oh, yeah-the soundtrack features some of the absolute worst 80's music I've ever heard. Downright ear bleeding quality that I don't even think fans of 80's music would even want to move to. The Revenge of Shinobi is still in my genesis. Time for some unlimited shurikens.   

No comments:

Post a Comment