Patchwork

Patchwork is on Netflix as of right now, and I expected nothing from it. At all. When the film opened up, I really thought it was going to be some kind of Re-Animator rip-off type of deal (what with one of the scientists using a syringe full of some green-glowing substance that is supposed to bring people back from the dead) but I couldn't have been more off center. I enjoyed Patchwork way more than what the first few scenes led me to believe was going to take place in this horror offering. This basically ended up being sort of a modern take on the Frankenstein story, with more of a inner-monologue/thriller twist making this much more unique of a watch than it should have been. This monster that the story revolves around is three different women sewn and patched up together physically to make one being, and I found that the scenes with the three personas talking and interacting with each other internally to be un-expected and very entertaining. They helped to move the film along perfectly with a pace that isn't bogged down with some dumb back story for each. There is also and ending that kind of took me by surprise as well, and that just compiled onto what I already was sucked into character wise. This is the basis of a revenge tale with a lot of tweaks and segues which just made me a happy horror fan seeing a crew take an older idea and spinning it into something different and somewhat original. 

There's a problem when you're having a convo with a severed head in a pan.

Neon green re-animation serum? I know where this is headed.

Take the ear piece out. Give the girl some love.

I don't think I could live alone. Sorry.

So... these three chicks are stapled together into one person?

I swear to God-morticians and scientists are always eating sandwiches and donuts. Always.

  This internal dialogue between the three girls is actually pretty cool.

Ellie, you're trying way to hard.

Get hit by a van all of a sudden.

I want to punch this ear piece wearing douche-bag.

Alright-well the Frankenchick did it for me.

Zits and zombies, give Patchwork a go. It's definitely one of the better indie horror flicks I've seen this year, and it really took me by surprise. The characters were evenly developed, it didn't go into rip-off territory like I thought it would when it started, the pace is fantastic and I really enjoyed the scenes with the three women talking among themselves to try and figure out what is going on and why they are stapled together. The comedy in here works to great effect as well, and everything in this film just has a good balance to it where the viewer is never distracted from what is actually happening and you can laser-focus on the story and really embed yourself in it. I-I-I believe you have my stabler. Stabler. Stapler.   

Horror House on Highway 5

In my constant quest to review and collect as much horror as I can for the past 7-8 years or so, I have always ran across some oddities and obscurities that make me question if being a horror collector is worth it. Some films are classics and they just have to be on your shelf whether you're into this sort of thing or not, and others just make you feel like you need to take a step outside for some fresh air. That's pretty much my experience with Horror House on Highway 5. This film doesn't give you any breathing room once it starts, nor does it really want to. It wants the viewer to be suffocated with it's bland and empty characters, dull kills, lack of comprehensible plot (it's mostly some jackass in a Richard Nixon Halloween mask offing people) next to the main people farting around alongside two guys that I assumed were mentally unstable because of just how un-intelligent they are. I really wanted this to be a hidden gem for me, but once the final act just abruptly stopped after the poorest tension build up I think I've ever wasted an hours worth of winks on, raising my arms in disbelief saying "what the hell was that" to myself at 3 a.m. in my recliner just shows this horror veteran that this film wasn't for me. If there is some sort of plot, I didn't really pick up on it nor did I care because there are so many flaws with this picture that I don't even know where to begin-and they're not flaws that make this entertaining. These are crippling flaws that re-instate my questioning of being a part of this hobby.

Put them down. Tarot cards are not for you.

"I am not a crook!"

Ugh... this chick has a total man-face.

Was Nixon really that angry?

  That's one big ass piece of glass.

Dude, you're teaching-turn the lights on in your classroom bro! No one can see the chalkboard!

Who keeps chloroform and a burlap sack in their kitchen?! Nevermind...

These guys have been hanging out with Cosby lately haven't they.

 I don't think a black magic/satanic ritual is actually going to work with a clothing iron as the brand and these goofballs wearing black bed sheets as capes.

Man, this Louise chick has no emotional reaction to anything.

It's, it's-nothing! There's dramatic music but the screen is so fucking dark that I can't see what I'm supposed to be afraid of! Nothing!

  I will come to a close by stating this about Horror House on Highway 5-pretty much every scene contained herein feels like a steamroller on the verge of running out of fuel. They are so damn slow moving that I felt like I had to drink some coffee to speed up the experience of watching it. Sluggish is more like the perfect term for the way that these events take place as everything and anything that happens in this film just takes way to long to get to where it wants to go, and it drags the viewer through the tar along with it. The camera hangs in spots it shouldn't for long periods of time, and the people "acting" in this don't help as most of their execution of dialogue is extremely awkward as well as most of everything else that makes up this 90 minute sludge-hole that should just be avoided. Richard Nixon may have not been a crook-but he sure as hell stole 90 minutes of my time that I'll never get back.       

We All Scream For Ice Cream

Finding and spending money at video rental stores these days pretty much never happens. The only main chain that I know of that is still standing is Family Video, and they are everywhere. That makes me smile. I personally think that there should be more brick and mortar video stores because there is a specific feeling when you walk in with a mission to rent something for a couple of nights. A certain magic. In Champaign, the one by our apartment was amazing-I rented plenty of horror flicks that helped me solidify me as a horror collector and fanatic: House of Bones, Silent Night Deadly Night, I Spit On Your Grave (1978) and the film for this review-We All Scream For Ice Cream. I haven't seen any of the other films or episodes in the Masters Of Horror series, but this one is just good. Every time I watch it, I have to have some kind of ice cream while I sit through it, just enhancing the experience. Maybe it's a little bit of nostalgia, but this is a welcome addition to my collection recently as I'm transported to that back room in our apartment we had. Buster the clown sells ice cream out of his ice cream truck because that's all he can really do. He is slower, you know. Of course, bad things happen to him while the main characters are kids and he comes back for revenge. 

I would love it if I could bite into a frozen ice cream sandwich and someone I hated just melted into a soupy puddle of melted ice cream.

How did you get the guy into a casket? He was a puddle of ice cream!

It is perfect outside sir.

  Every kid that has a quarter wants some ice cream.

I'm so glad my days of playing "run and puke" are over.

     Oh boy.... Layne has a glasses fetish.

 All Buster wanted was to make the kids happy.

The point of killing Buster was... because Virgil is an asshole?!

 "Should've kept your pee-pee in your pants there, daddy-o".

I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh, what a fucking world!

 The most memorable scene in We All Scream For Ice Cream has to be when Layne goes to see Virgil at his place to ask what the hell is going on with Buster-and he melts into a big puddle of ice cream in his ghetto hot-tub bath-tub thing in is living room. Shit is priceless. Honestly, as I mentioned before, there are so many scenes that involve ice cream in some sort of way that whenever I watch this, I have to eat some while I watch it. It's essential. This isn't essential horror viewing, but you zits and zombies should seek out and consume this at least once. Buster only wants to make you happy. 

Halloween Watcher's List (Top 10 Indie Flicks)

Halloween, The festival of Samhain, Dance of Satan... our favorite time of the year only comes around but once. Celebrating it with costumes, candy, pranks, parties and anything else that protrudes us into wanting be someone else for a night. But all hallows eve also requires the utmost in quality horror entertainment, and my list I present to you for this year I feel contains probably the ten best indie horror films that I own copies of on my shelf. As a collector and purveyor of this business, I am glad that if worldwide streaming were to go down in flames for some reason, I can still revel in the blood of virgins and watch the undead tear people apart in anticipation of their dinner.

I'm getting hungry.

I present to you my top ten Indie Horror Flicks that I think you all should track down for Halloween (in no particular order). Most of these I have already written reviews about here on Cinema Slayer, so you can search them in my search bar and see what I said about them. But whether you care about my review or not, these are indie flicks that you never really see or hear anyone talk about. These are Halloween perfection as I see it, and they need more attention. Here we go. 

10. Pumpkin Karver

If you haven't read my early piece about Pumpkin Karver, go search it. This is absolutely one of my favorite Indie horror flicks, and it embodies pretty much every entertaining fear trope that needs to be there. Cute girls, dumbass guys, stupid costumes, a pretty evil villain and an atmosphere that really is unique to this offering. If you want to start an indie horror collection, please buy a copy of this. Please. Oh, and Amy Weber is scorching hot in this as well. Just saying.

9. Monster Man

 The side studio for Lionsgate that produces indie horror has some real gems, and Monster Man is absolutely glorious. The two main bumbling characters play off each other very well and I could honestly say that this is one that could stand on it's own with multiple views. Perfect for having popcorn and a bag full of those nasty black and orange caramel-taffy things that no one likes or knows the name of, this won't leave a bad taste in your mouth as those things will.

8. Splinter

Splinter is strange because you never find out exactly what the monster is in this film. Mystery adds a layer of intrigue here, and it's frightening because you never know where it's going to come from next. This is a modern monster flick that pretty much takes place in a gas station for the duration of it's run time, but it never feels cheap, boring or dull. The pace is spot on and it drags the viewer from scene to scene in anticipation to see what will happen next. Truly an indie great.

7. Farmhouse

 I've already done enough praise for Farmhouse in my actual review-so just watch this damn movie already. Steven Weber and Kelly Hu are just downright bad, bad people here and shows how much range they have even in something as small as this. They love what they do and it makes this film shine, as it should make your shelf shine with a hard copy sitting there next to Evil Dead and Dead Alive. It's that good. It also sports one of the greatest twist endings in any indie horror film. Seriously.

 6. Hi-8 (Horror Independent 8)

A lot of horror anthologies are hit or miss for me, but Hi-8 has an air of grandiosity that can't be missed. Being the huge SOV fan and collector that I am, this had to be on this list because I feel more horror fans need to experience this as an essential part of their fear diet this Halloween. Candy and tooth rot aside, there are some shorts in here that are genius (particularly the one aptly named "The Tape") and the only way to see them is compiled in this anthology. A great way to start off an indie/underground viewing spree.

5. Trailer Park of Terror

  

The perfect example of blind buying something cheap and quick, Trailer Park of Terror just hits all of the right spots that any blood fanatic needs satiated. Great characters, awesome setting, better than average cinematography and a rockabilly zombie that can tear it up on his guitar mixes itself up to being an amazing horror indie diamond in the rough that pretty much everyone passed up on. Were going to be some sexy sinners tonight.

4. Cemetery Gates

    

It's been quite some time since I've watched Cemetery Gates, but I just recall being blown away at it's entertainment value. Especially since I got it for free in a buy one get one free deal at my usual collectors spot-and it features Reggie Bannister from the Phantasm franchise. If you want to watch an indie horror film to see his ridiculous skullet ponytail and witness the main monster take a shit randomly, this is the perfect Halloween outing for you. Listen to some Pantera while you're at it. 

3. Skinless (Ballad of Skinless Pete)

People in the science and medical fields have been looking for a cure for cancer for a very long time now. Pete found it. Except it's not quite what he thought. He was cured until his skin started peeling off. This is almost akin to a Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde ripoff, but the difference here is that Pete doesn't switch back and forth. He just falls apart (literally) and the journey is gory to the extreme. Gorehounds will love this one, and I suggest some fruit punch while you view. The redder the better.

2. House of the Devil

 If you want an indie that is all atmosphere, suspense and feelings of unease-House of the Devil is the ticket you need to purchase. It builds itself into what I feel is probably one of the greatest unknown "walls are closing in" type of film that just keeps you guessing until the reveal of what is actually going on with the family and the house that they live in. Sorely missed and underrated for those outside of the horror community. Live in this house if you dare.

1. Pool Party Massacre

  

 Fun, fun, fun. Pool Party Massacre has become an indie gem for me personally, and it just gets all of the bindings of 80's horror right. The girls are all attractive (albeit on the thin side) there's plenty of gory deaths, creative kills, astoundingly clean cinematography and characters that you just want them to die because they deserve it for one reason or another. Oh, and the twist ending actually confused me and made me laugh at the same time. Don't miss this on Halloween. It will make you wish it was summer again.   

Bad Girls From Mars (VHS)

I find a lot of random reviews and channels on Youtube all the time, but a new recent favorite of mine is 80's Horror Central. This guy has a pretty amazing collection from what I've been able to see so far, and his reviews are all spot on. Highly entertaining stuff. One of the random ones that I've watched more than once so far is his take on Bad Girls From Mars. Damn it if this isn't one of the cheesiest movies for men from the 80's. Of course this was worked on by Fred Olen Ray who has made plenty of these schlock infested shelf grabbers, and they all have fantastic looking women who are well endowed. Which of course is the draw. In this one it's kind of a movie inside a movie-and the plot is paper thin being held together by pretty much every scene being lovingly padded by some beautiful woman's bare chest, which of course really is the reason to watch a film like this. A man made movie for men. I found this on VHS randomly at the same space that I find almost everything for a measly $1.99, and it's signed by one of the girls from the film. Whoever owned this before they traded it in probably met her at a convention or something and had her sign it. Pretty cool if you ask me. I wonder if he was able to motorboat her for free. That would be a story for his kids.

 I'm not closing my eyes for anything-I want to see boobies!

That's not Tony... that's a Ken doll in a plastic case.

You cigar chomping bastard-Tila wants the D!

Tila gets hung in her dressing room and all you care about is her tits. I'm with it.

  Who eats an alka-seltzer dry?!

Jesus that's a lot of lotion.

Emanuelle loves changing clothes and showing off in the back of a moving convertible. I'd get in an accident too. I have insurance.

 Anything to be Emanuelle's "little dick".

There's always time for office sex. Always.

  The Slipknot killer strikes again!

From cop to actor. It's his business to know.

If you're a man who loves seeing topless women in weird space costumes filming a movie in a movie, then track down Bad Girls From Mars. There is absolutely no redeeming entertainment value contained in this what-so-ever, but there doesn't have to be. The acting is abysmal, the script was written by a sixteen year old boy that has had acne for the last couple of years and the production value is as if I built the set for this in my garage for $100. But that's the appeal for a Fred Olen Ray flick, and I wouldn't have it any other way. By the by, one of the girls is hung from the ceiling by a literal film strip and there's a scene where Emanuelle is walking up some steps in someones living room (with her boobs a' bouncin') and there's a "boing-a-boing" sound effect that accompanies it. Brilliant. Sheer brilliance.