Eyes Front

Before I even start rambling on about how much I wanted to end my life after this film was over or where I found a copy of it on dvd, just look at the cover art for a minute. Go ahead. Absorb it. Ponder it. Try to contemplate it. I'll give you some time. There's no rush. (...57...58...59...60) Okay, now do you feel like you would want to watch this after gazing at this insanely boring and generic cover for Eyes Front? Actually, here's the truth-the dvd case is more engrossing than the film itself. I have been a huge fanatic for psychology and serial killer studies for a number of years now, and this film has to be one of the shittiest attempts at making a movie about just that subject. I couldn't make heads or tails about what the actual fuck was happening on the screen coupled with the fact that it was trying desperately to have two different killer stories run parallel at the same time. Gave me a migraine headache. Eyes Front was a dvd I found at the Gordyville flea market in Champaign a couple of years ago for a dollar and now that I finally sat through this sad excuse of a picture, I'm going to go drink a bottle of Simple Green. Not because I'm thirsty, but because getting my stomach pumped in the E.R. at 11:45pm has to be more fun.

Everyone will supposedly be judged. Put down the bible.

I hope this isn't some shitty Christian serial killer flick.

Ah. Back before stupid smartphones took over everything. It's cool to see a payphone.

Whether God is real or not, there are still heinous crimes punishable by law.

Ok, ok. Instead of the horrendous shaky cam while these guys get killed, how about we as an audience oh, I don't know-actually fucking see it??

I still don't understand the point of having freewill if it's a sin to act upon it.

Weight lifting. Talking on the phone. Hawaiian shirts. Slightly off ambient music. All such a waste.

Sickies always take pictures of their own work.

Alright dude-put the phone down. Please. Put the damn phone down.

 By the time the final act had begun in Eyes Front, I was already pulling what little hair I have growing forth from my head out in complete boredom and frustration by the simple fact that this title is a complete mess. I barely could comprehend anything that was happening plot-wise and all of the Jesus talk didn't help matters either. Besides that, the cinematography contains so many obtrusive angles and poor framing choices that I think a blind picture frame maker could have filmed this better without even being able to see what the hell they were doing. The icing on this cow-pie cake is the shaky cam. Dear sweet Moses, the shaky cam. About 75% of this film looks like it was shot while the camera crew rode the Tilt-A-Whirl at full speed in one of those traveling fair/carnival type things that graces everyones' little town once a year during the summer months. I really wanted to be a fan of Eyes Front because of my fascination with serial killers and psychology, but unfortunately it's absolutely impossible. This film is riddled with every movie flaw that pretty much exists and that just makes me very sad and willing to jump into Lake Michigan head first. Swimming was never a strong suit of mine.