Dead on Appraisal

Going through the motions of buying a house for you and your family fucking sucks. There's real estate agents and figuring out how much you can pay every month, when your going to pay every month, property taxes, loans, FHA's... all types of bullshit. Add on top the fact that people died in your new home, and you're in for one helluva party at your place. I've never sold or tried to sell a house or property, but I'm sure it's not as much fun as some might think. Take for instance the house that John Dante has to try to sell in this thing. It's been overcome by Starship Trooper quality insects, a metal band by the name of "Freddie and the Goblins" (whom of which if they actually existed and recorded albums would occupy space on my IPod) whose lead vocalist loses his shit and basically destroys everything and a solider named Robbie that comes back from Iraq to live with his dad with something worse than PTSD just isn't what you would call an exemplary track record for a home to be sold to a budding new family. John just comes to the conclusion that the house is cursed and starts doubting his abilities. What a tragic motherfucker.

Yard work is a drag.

Sometimes I miss my party days.

Entomology. No thanks.

Kill it before it lays eggs!

Fuck breakfast. Give me some of that liquor.

This exact situation is why every home in America should have at least one gun.

At least John Belushi's annoying brother is dead now.

 Give that man a benadryl.

This movie would have been so much better if Henry Rollins was planning things out.

    Be careful, pretty lady. Wouldn't want that desert eagle to break your wrist.

Don't be a pussy. Go in the house.

Finest metal band of our time. Freddie and the Goblins.

This may or may not be the first time zits and zombies that I'm going to sit here and say that I don't really know how to feel about Dead On Appraisal. It's an anthology (a unique one at that) it's well written and directed. The acting is borderline mediocre and the stories that make it up are middle of the line at best. Really, the two best things are "Freddie and the Goblins" and the really detailed and involved practical effects that were used are some of the best I've seen in quite some time. But a good film that does not make. At the end of the day, John is a horrible real estate agent that should be able to sell anything to anyone, but he can't sell this house because of the things that happened in it before it landed in his lap. No commission off of this bad boy. Here's an idea-get "Freddie and the Goblins" to play a garage show, and hand out pitchers of beer. Someone will bite eventually. Hell, I'll come just to get Freddie's autograph. If he doesn't kill my ass first. This needs a second viewing. When I'm ready to move out of my house.